Disclaimer: I don't own Hellsing. I'm sure that was a shock, but you'll just have to get over it.

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The Monster in the Morgue

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Dr. Fitzgerald paced back and forth nervously, giving the clock on the wall an occasional anxious glance. Behind him, his assistant was trying to calm a weeping nurse whose ghostly-white complexion bespoke her terror. Over the soft sobbing of the nurse, a hideous growling noise could be heard from the adjacent room.

Finally, the nurse choked, "I... I don't know how much longer I can take this..."

"Damn it all!" Dr. Fitzgerald erupted, kicking the wall. "I called the police nearly an hour ago! What in heaven's name could be taking them so long?"

John, his assistant, was about to reply when a sharp knock came at the door.

"Th-that's probably them right now! You see, Doctor? You got yourself all worked up over nothing," John said, breathing a sigh of relief as he got up to answer the door.

Upon opening it, he was faced by a young blonde in a dark green suit. She was about average height, pretty, and wore steel-rimmed glasses, but what struck John most were her eyes. Blue as the polar seas, they had an indefinable coldness to them that matched that clime well.

"You are the morgue staff for St. James' Hospital, correct?" she asked. After a quick nod from Dr. Fitzgerald, she said, "I thought so. I'm Integra Wallace of the London Police Department. I believe you called about about an incident involving one of your corpses?"

"Yes, yes! I'm so glad you're here!" the relieved doctor replied, shaking her hand warmly. "It's been nearly unbearable! All of that ghastly noise... it's been like a bad horror movie."

Noticing the impatient expression on Integra's face, he blushed and stammered, "Ah, y-yes. I suppose I should start at the beginning. Well, there's not much to say. The body was found on a park bench earlier tonight and brought here. Cause of death is currently unknown, but from her body temperature I would say that she had been dead for several hours. She wasn't carrying any ID, so the police asked us to 'put her on ice' until she could be identified. We bagged and shelved her without any problems, but less than an hour later this horrible, horrible noise, like a growling dog, began coming from her freezer. Janet, our nurse, opened the door slightly, and she swears that the body bag was moving around."

"And you're sure that the person was dead when she was brought in?" Integra queried.

"Positive," the doctor answered. "She was dead as a doornail. Besides, if (by some awful coincidence) I was wrong, the temperature inside the freezer would have killed her within 15 minutes. I can't imagine what we're dealing with here..."

"I can," Integra muttered coldly. "Does the door to your freezer room have a strong lock?"

"Yes, very strong. Why?" John asked.

"Lock it after me," Integra commanded. "Don't open it again until I give the word. Do you understand?"

Dr. Fitzgerald nodded solemnly. With that, Integra opened the door and stepped inside. She waited until she heard the door lock, then turned to face the wall of lockers. She involuntarily shuddered, partly from the cold, but also from the sound that had struck such fear in the morgue staff.

SHHHHHHRRRRARRRR... SHHHHRRRRRRAAAARRR...

"What an awful racket..." she thought. "Doubtless it's some poor ghoul rolling around inside there. I suppose I'd better put her out of her misery."

Integra Wingates Hellsing normally left such work for her cronies, but a major vampire incident in Wales had required nearly all of her men, leaving her with little more than Walter, Seras, and a skeleton staff of troops. When the London P.D. had received the unnerving phone call from the morgue, they had followed protocol and forwarded the message to the Hellsing Organization. With Seras and the troops out on patrol and with Walter under the weather, Integra had no choice but to see to the matter personally. Not that she minded; a little "grunt work" was a welcome relief from the mountain of boring paperwork she had been dealing with.

Ms. Hellsing cautiously crept closer to the lockers, listening to determine which one the growling sound was coming from. After walking a few paces, she stopped in front of locker B-4.

"Gotcha..." Integra whispered with a smirk.

Deciding to catch the ghoul (or vampire, whichever might be the case) off-guard, Integra yanked the door open, slid the tray out, and trained her gun on the head of the corpse in one quick movement. To her surprise, the cadaver didn't even wiggle; it just kept making that awful noise. Integra's brow furrowed as she listened to the sound coming from the body bag. Once out of the locker, it didn't sound quite so much like a "growl". In fact, it was more like...

Integra grabbed the zipper and pulled it down in a lightning-fast movement... revealing the peaceful face of Seras Victoria! Despite the icy temperature within the room, Integra couldn't help but sweatdrop as she stared at her senior officer, fast asleep and snoring loudly.

"In the name of..." Integra groaned as she dropped her gun and slapped her hand to her eyes.

Scowling, she grabbed Seras by the shoulders and shook her roughly. "Seras! Wake up, Seras! Officer Victoria, I order you to wake up this instant! Wake up, dammit!"

Seras's eyes flew open; wide-eyed and bewildered, she looked very much like a deer caught in the headlights.

"Who? What? When? Where?" she gasped. Catching sight of her boss, she said, "O-oh, Sir Integra! Hello! Is something the ma..."

Suddenly she noticed her surroundings. "Wh-where am I? And what the hell am I doing in a body bag?"

"You fell asleep on a park bench... didn't you, Officer Victoria?" Integra asked through clenched teeth.

"I... I only meant to rest for a minute," she answered apologetically. Her eyes widening with realization, she gasped, "Wait a minute! Do you mean somebody found me and thought I was--"

"Yes, yes, they thought you were deceased," Integra muttered. "Which, in fact, you are, but that's beside the point. The big question now is how we're going to explain--"

Integra was suddenly interrupted by the sound of an opening door. Her heart momentarily stopped beating as Dr. Fitzgerald and John rushed into the room.

John shouted, "Ms. Wallace? Are you all right? We thought we heard someone yelling, and..."

His words died off as he stared in disbelief at the pretty blonde corpse smiling nervously at him. For a moment, both sides simply stared at each other, and nobody spoke. Finally, Integra broke the silence.

"PRAISE GOD! IT'S A MIRACLE!" she screamed, raising her arms to the heavens. "She's alive! Great is the Lord and most worthy of praise! Get on your knees and thank him for this miracle! Hallelujah!"

Hastily extracting Seras from her body bag, Integra took her by the hand and led her past the flabbergasted hospital staff.

"Er... Have a nice night!" Seras sheepishly murmured, waving as she walked past.

Dr. Fitzgerald, John, and Janet could only nod as they watched Integra and Seras make their hurried exit.

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Once they left the hospital and reached the safety of Integra's limo, the Ice Queen melted. Letting out a breath she had been holding for nearly five minutes, Integra leaned wearily against the side of her car for support.

"H-haha... You know, in retrospect, that was a p-pretty funny situation back there... R-right, Sir?" Seras nervously giggled.

The death glare Integra gave her quickly silenced the petite vampiress. Straightening herself and pointing her index finger in Seras's face, Integra snarled, "Listen very carefully, Seras. If you EVER pull a stunt like that again, I will place you in a body bag myself, and you will not be coming out. Do I make myself perfectly clear?"

"Yes, Sir!" Seras squeaked, her skin becoming even paler than usual.

After glowering at her subordinate a few seconds more for good measure, Integra opened the limousine door and stepped inside, followed shortly thereafter by Seras. Falling back in her seat, the Hellsing chief signaled the chauffeur to drive. As the car pulled out of the parking lot, Integra picked up a glass of lemonade she had bought earlier that night and took a drink.

"For Pete's sake! The ice is all melted!" Integra grumbled. After taking a quick glance at her nigh-frozen companion, a mischievious smile played across her lips. "Ah, well. When life gives you lemons..."

Seras normally would have asked Integra to remove the cup from the side of her face, but she decided that (under the circumstances) it would be more prudent to remain quiet.

THE END

Greetinks, readers! Man, it's been a long time since I've updated this story... Ah, well. Like Seras, it wasn't REALLY dead; just stuck in a freezer somewhere. Hahaha! (Hopefully, my next update won't take half a year.)

Anyway, I hope you enjoyed the story, but please leave a review regardless. Scathing criticism and shameless flattery are both welcome. Later, homefries!