Disclaimer: I don't own Hellsing. I'm trying to talk Hirano out of it, though.

Author Note: By and large, the whole "Alucard pesters Integra in her office" scenario is the most overused, overdone, over-cliched scene in the entire Hellsing fandom, but if you can make it ridiculous enough, sometimes it will still get a chuckle. That's how I hit upon this idea...

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Building a Better Mousetrap

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BLAM! BLAM!

"Out of my office, you miscreant!" Integra roared, lowering her smoking Beretta.

Alucard merely smiled as his face pulled itself back together. "My, my, master. It seems you're a little cranky this evening. Might I ask why?"

"You popped out of my desk drawer through one of those abominable portals of yours, scaring me half to death and nearly causing me to fall to my death out the east window. What on earth do I have to be mad about?" she hissed through clenched teeth. "Now, make your exit and leave me in peace!"

"As you wish. I'll make my exit, but I can't guarantee that second part," he remarked as he turned to go. "After all, infuriating you is far too much fun to give up entirely."

As he shut the door, the scowl on Integra's face melted into an annoyed frown. Walking back to her desk, she couldn't help but notice the numerous bullet holes dotting the north wall of her office. After counting for a few moments, she finally came up with the figure "43".

"At this rate, I'll die at a young age because of one too many nervous shocks," she muttered. "I'd simply kill him if he were a regular troop, but I'm afraid he's too useful to murder. Still, if only there were a way to put an end to his nonsense..."

Suddenly, a mischevious gleam appeared in her eye. "Perhaps a taste of his own medicine is in order... heh heh heh."

Punching a button on her intercom system, she said, "Walter! Ferguson! I need you two up here on the double. (thinks for a second) And bring a toolbox!"

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As the sun was setting, Integra, Walter, and Ferguson finally opened the door and stepped outside her office.

"Urrrhh... Ma'am, work like that is tough on an old man like me," Ferguson said playfully as he popped his back. "Get more young people like yourself and Walter to do it next time."

Walter couldn't help but laugh. "Hahaha... Actually, Mr. Ferguson, I think we old fogies did a pretty admirable job. What say you, Integra?"

"Yes, yes; top-notch work," she assured them. "I think we finally have the room 'Alucard-proof' now."

"A good thing, too, considering what's on your computer," Walter remarked.

A look of panic crossed Integra's face, and she quickly clapped a hand to Walter's mouth. She nervously whispered, "Are you bloody insane? What if he hears you?"

Unbeknowenst to her (but beknowenst to us), a pair of red eyes in a dark corner nearby narrowed as a result of a gargantuan smile.

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As the vampire cautiously phased through the door to his master's office, he glanced left and right in an attempt to locate whatever booby trap they had installed. He was just about to step inside when he noticed that one tile right next to the door was a slightly different color than the others.

"Oho! Is that the best you can do, Master? Hahaha..." he chuckled, stepping over it. Still advancing slowly, he made his way toward her desk but didn't find any more traps. Either his master had been terribly careless, or she had seriously underestimated him.

Finally, he reached her computer. While Alucard was hardly an expert with this newfangled technology, a little help from Seras and Walter (along with some practice on his own) had enabled him to glean a basic knowledge of how computers work.

His eyes greedily scanned her desktop, hoping to find whatever dark secret she had been hiding from him. "What could it be? Letters from a boyfriend? Top-secret mission plans? Some really bizarre fetish? I wouldn't care if it were pictures of the Queen in her knickers; if I can tease Integra with it, then it is information I must possess! MWAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Finally, he saw something that caught his eye. "Hello? 'Classified information on Director Hellsing'... Just what I wanted to see."

Trying to supress that trademark maniacal laughter of his, he double-clicked on the icon. To his surprise, it brought up a music file. As the piece started up, Alucard instantly recognized it as "In the Hall of the Mountain King" by Grieg.

"Eh? What's going on? Where are all the juicy secrets?" Alucard demanded, smacking the uncooperative machine.

At that moment, his sensitive vampire ears picked up a sound coming from near the entrance. Peering over toward the door he had entered through, he saw what had to be the strangest contraption ever invented. Composed of everyday household items like brooms, balls, shoes, and kitchen appliances, it must have been engineered by either a genius or a madman. Alucard gasped involuntarily as he finally realized that the machine extended all around the room!

"What the--! Hmm... I guess I was paying too much attention to the floor earlier. Hahahaha..." the vampire muttered, sweatdropping. "Hey, wait a minute! What was that sound I heard?"

By taking a closer look at the device, he got his answer. Somehow or another, Integra must have wired the computer to "start the ball rolling" (both literally and figuratively) on the weird wall-contraption when that particular music file was selected. Near the beginning of the machine, a tiny iron ball rolled down an incline and knocked a shoe over. The shoe fell to the ground, hitting a lever that opened a trash can lid. As the lid flew open, it shot a chocolate chip cookie across the room, hitting a fan and turning it on.

"Now, where have I seen something like this before?" Alucard wondered aloud. "It almost seems like it was on TV. Oh, that's it! It was... Tom and Jerry? Uh, oh..."

His sweatdrop soon became a full-blown cold sweat as he watched the fan blow a boxing glove with balloons tied to it across the room, hitting a squeeze toy. The noise caused by the squeaking toy startled a sleeping cat, which jumped up and disturbed a box of marbles. All the while, "Hall of the Mountain King" kept playing and building toward its climax.

By this point, Alucard was starting to panic. "Curse you, Master... where does this accursed machine lead?"

His eyes darted all around the room trying to find where it ended, but the machine was far too complex to follow. Even worse, the machine's mechanisms were now going so lighting-fast that they matched the climaxing music. Alucard's eyes almost bugged out of his head as he looked around frantically, hoping to avoid whatever horrible end his master had intended for him. Finally, just as the music hit its emotional peak, he remembered what happened in all the cartoons.

"It's right above me!" he screamed in a high-pitched voice, quickly jumping backward. It was a move made just in time, as a bowling ball fell right where Alucard had been standing.

Panting heavily, he wheezed, "Check... my master. Nice try, but no cigar."

WHAM!

"AAAAAAAAAAGGGGHHH!" Alucard wailed. "What in the name of--"

The vampire contorted his body in able to look upward and was mortified to see that he had been crushed under a large millstone. He was also just in time to see a large, gaping hole in the ceiling above him close. The nearly-halved vampire began struggling to escape, but a woman's cold voice stopped him in his tracks.

"Well, well, well. It seems you're getting a tad too predictable, servant."

As the green suit-clad blonde walked within his range of vision, he growled, "Master... you had this planned from the start, didn't you?"

"Pretty much," she admitted. "I told Walter to 'leak' the information about my computer, knowing that you would be able to resist neither the secret nor the challenge posed by obtaining it. After that, I depended on your short attention span, first to overlook the wall device because of the tile, then to overlook the millstone because of the wall device."

"I'm sure you're very proud of all of this," Alucard grumbled as he pulled his torso free, severing it from the rest of his body.

"Oh, you have no idea," she replied, a smug smile on her face. "Checkmate, vampire. I'll have that cigar you mentioned while I'm at it."

As she lit one of her prized Cuban cigars, she said, "Now, let this be a lesson to you, Alucard. You have to learn to respect people's personal space. You can't just--"

BOOM!

Integra wasn't quite sure what had just happened, but as she picked herself off the ground and glanced in a nearby mirror, it became painfully clear. Staring back at her was a ridiculous-looking woman with hair blown straight backward, face covered in soot, and an exploded cigar in her mouth. Of course, her pet vampire was rolling on the floor in convulsions of laughter.

"HAHAHAHAHAHA! Let that be a lesson to you, Integra!" he guffawed. "Don't let arrogance blind--"

BLAM!

"Ow. That hurt, Master."

THE END

Extra disclaimer: I don't own "Tom and Jerry". It sure would be cool to own one of those weird traps, though...

Anyway, I hope you all got as much a kick out of reading this as I did by writing it. Regardless, please leave this cliche-skewering fellow a review, please! Au revoir for now!