Chapter Seven

A Purely Evil Plan

"Okay, now this is what I'm talking about. A purely evil plan. Evil with a capital MWAHAHA!" Fred cackled, rubbing his hands together gleefully.

"Hermione's going to beat you to death, you realize that, right?" Lee said desperately. Over the years, Lee had become almost as close to the twins as they were to each other, but he was always the last of the three of them to come up with a crazy scheme and the first person to say "Guys, this is a bad idea. This is one of those times when we actually shouldn't do it." In other words, unlike the twins, Lee had some small shred of sanity.

"It'll be a small price to pay for the look on her face," George said, grinning. "It really will."

Fred stopped and gave him a dirty look. "George, that wasn't entirely too supportive."

"Oh, right." George's grin disappeared instantly and he glared at Lee. "She's not going to beat him to death. She'll be too shocked. And even if she isn't, Fred can run faster. …I think."

"Thanks, George," Fred said, rolling his eyes.

The three of them approached the portrait hole and gave the Fat Lady the password. They'd given Hermione plenty of time to get back from the library… and sure enough, there she was, sitting with Harry, Ron, and Ginny in the corner. Fred gave her a cold smile and raised his eyebrows, giving her enough time to realize something big was coming. Then he pasted an angry, hurt look on his face, resisting the urge to do a happy dance when he saw Parvati and Lavender turn to look in his direction.

"I can't believe you!" Fred roared, so loudly half the common room jumped. "Just when I thought we were past this! Just when I thought we could be together again!"

A look of fury and indignation flashed across her face as she understood what he was doing, but the expression was gone in an instant and her face became impassive. Ginny glowered at Fred, George, and Lee, while Harry and Ron simply looked bewildered. So Ginny knows what's really going on… interesting, Fred thought, filing that information away for later.

"How could you, Hermione?" Fred went on. "How could you?"

"What's he talking about, 'Mione?" Harry asked suspiciously.

"I'll tell you what I'm talking about!" Fred shouted. "She kissed my brother!" It took all his willpower not to grin at the reactions of everyone in the room. Gasps, whispers, laughs, shocked stares… oh, the look on Harry's face, it was priceless…

Hermione stood up. She looked shaky and on the verge of tears; Fred wondered briefly if he'd really upset her before it dawned on him that she, too, was acting. "I'm sorry, Fred," she said in a voice barely above a whisper, which still reached every ear in the silent common room. "He… you look so much alike!"

"That's no excuse!" Fred bellowed. "We've been together for ages! We've known each other for years! You should know me by now!"

"The Fred I know wouldn't have gone around telling everyone what we'd both agreed not to tell," Hermione spat, her voice rising. "The Fred I know wouldn't have thought it was funny! The Fred I know wouldn't have gotten me detention and embarrassed me in public! The Fred I know would know that my kissing George wasn't entirely my fault!" She was fairly screaming now. "George could have told me I was making a mistake at any time! He knew I thought he was you before I kissed him, and he could have said something! Did he? No! He could've pushed me away at any time! Did he? No! He just pulled me onto his lap and kept on kissing me! He decided having fun was more important than the feelings of his twin or his friend!" She turned to glare at George.

George swallowed, blushed and looked away, not enjoying this unexpected turn. Dozens of people turned to look at him curiously as he decided the ceiling was incredibly interesting.

It took Fred a second to come up with a reply. "Don't make this George's fault! You're the one who came onto him!" George nodded emphatically and looked back at Hermione with a "yeah!" sort of look.

"Well maybe if you weren't acting like a different person lately I'd have an easier time of telling you apart," Hermione retorted.

"Don't give me that!" Fred said, racking his brains for ways to make sure he won this particular battle; he was running low on comebacks.

"You know what, Fred? We're broken up at the moment, in case you haven't noticed," Hermione told him, folding her arms over her chest. "I can kiss anyone I want. I don't see how it's any of your business that I kissed George."

"Excuse me?" Fred said shrilly. Okay, now this was getting ridiculous.

"You heard me. So I meant to kiss you and got your twin instead. Oops, my bad!" Her lip curled into a sneer. "News flash: you don't own me."

"Like hell I don't!" Fred snapped. Lee gave him an incredulous look and Fred, realizing he was getting a bit too into character, toned it down a few notches. "You're my girlfriend!"

"I was your girlfriend!" Hermione yelled. "But I'm not now and I won't be again until you pull your head out of your ass!"

"I'll pull my head out of my ass when you do! And stay the hell away from my brother!" Fred shouted back.

"I can't help it if George is a good kisser!"

With that, Hermione grabbed her stuff and ran up the stairs to her room. Ginny gave her brothers a knowing smirk before chasing after Hermione with a faked look of I'm-the-best-friend concern.

"That could have gone better," George moaned as whispers broke out all over the room.

"I'll say," Lee muttered.

"Come on, guys," Fred said with a sigh. "Let's go regroup."

Harry watched as Fred, George and Lee headed back to their room, and then glanced up the staircase to the girls' dormitory. "Stay here," he told Ron firmly, and headed up to Hermione's room without a backwards glance.

Laughter met his ears as he neared the top of the spiral staircase. "Did you see his face?" he heard Ginny say.

"Forget him; did you see George's face?" Hermione replied through her laughter. "They're going to wish they'd never come to Hogwarts by the time I'm through."

Harry threw open the door, not bothering to knock. Ginny and Hermione, who were sitting on her bed, whipped around to face him with identical deer-in-the-headlights expressions. "Harry!" Hermione exclaimed. "You're… you're not allowed in here…"

"Talk, Hermione," Harry said angrily. "Now."

"Um… about what?"

"Stop it, Hermione. We're your friends, and you're lying to us. Not to mention how upset Ron is over this whole thing. What's going on?"

Hermione sighed and explained. Harry listened, his expression impassive. "I'm sorry, Harry. I didn't know what to do. I just…"

"Hermione," Harry interrupted, "you should have told us. I can't vouch for Ron, but I'm pretty sure he'll be much more okay with this if he knows it's a sham."

"You think Ron will be happy that I plan to screw with his brother's head by kissing him?" Hermione said skeptically.

"No, but I think he'll feel a lot better knowing there was nothing and is nothing going on between you and Fred behind his back," Harry said bluntly. Then he added, "Our backs."

"Okay, I'll tell—" Hermione said, but Harry was already shouting for Ron to come upstairs.

Ron arrived in a few moments, looking bewildered and uncomfortable. "What?"

"Hermione has something to tell you," Harry said, giving Hermione a cool glance.

Hermione swallowed. "Ron, there was nothing going on between Fred and I, and there isn't anything going on now. I've been trying to get him back for lying and kissing me, and he's been fighting back."

Ron stared at her blankly for a good long while. "I'll kill him," he said finally, turning back towards the door.

"Ron!" Ginny exclaimed, grabbing Ron's arm. "Come on, sit down."

"He's started some big drawn out thing to smear my best friend's reputation," Ron snarled. "I'll kill him."

"Ron, stop it. We're going to play the game Fred's way," Harry said practically.

"Any ideas?" Hermione asked him hopefully.

Harry blushed, which made Hermione lean back, startled. "I may have a few," he admitted.