Disclaimer: I don't own it anymore than I did in the last chapter...
A tiny ray of sunlight leaked into the stuffy little hotel room, permeating the musty air. The rest of the window was shabbily guarded by the tattered remains of the old, stained brown curtains, blocking out the light. The hotel room itself seemed to be in a permanent state of disarray, having a grimy interior and cluttered pieces of shabby furniture where needed.
The single bed sat hunched at an uneven angle in the corner, its thrashed headboard backed up against the nearest wall. In the bed, two exhausted figures were clumsily intertwined, their bodies unintentionally wrapped around one another. Though they were unaccustomed to such a position, it did not seem awkward as the two figures continued to sleep on, each snoring ever so lightly. The larger of the two figures, a man in his mid thirties shifted his position around the woman, moving his legs to become more comfortably twisted within his own, untangling the sheets that constricted them.
Feeling suddenly aware of how he lay, Jack Shepard's eyes shot open, taking in his surroundings. He spent mere fractions of a moment to let his eyes adjust and take in the room itself, for his attention was almost immediately diverted to the stifled murmurs of the woman that slept soundly beside him, wrapped in his firm embrace. It was then that he realized just how awkward and even wrong this was, and in that moment he flinched in indecision, trying to decide if it would be best to pull away and risk waking her or stay as he was and allow her some much needed rest.
Glancing down at her still, peaceful form, Jack acknowledged suddenly how this was the first time he had ever seen Kate look this way. She always had a way of seeming so tense and occupied, as if there was never an ounce of peace in her being. And, he mused, it was likely that she was indeed void of any sort of peace. He doubted that the life on the run as a fugitive held any sort of priority to relaxation, or for that matter any sort of mercy to the most basic human needs. No, watching her sleep so soundly and so peacefully, Jack could not bear to tear himself away from her. He could not stand the idea of disturbing the woman who suddenly seemed so small and so vulnerable to him.
As he finally settled this matter with himself, Jack slid back down to lay flat against his single pillow, shifting Kate so that her head lay nestled in the crook of his arm, her breath dancing ever so lightly against his chest. Feeling her rest against him, Jack felt his heart flutter in a way that it had not in well over a year. He hadn't felt that particular emotion since his days spent on that monster infested island. And even then, it hadn't been an emotion that he fully understood. Yes, it was obvious by his every reaction to her very presence that Jack had some sort of feelings for Kate. They were feelings that he couldn't recall having ever felt before, and that was what puzzled him. He was a grown man, a well schooled doctor at that. Something so simple and trivial as some sort of crush ought to be simple to him. He should understand it. After all, he mused, that was all it was. He was simply attracted to Kate. It couldn't be anything more than that, he was sure of it.
But then, there had been his behavior on the island to consider. How he had acted then had been more than simple attraction. He had once secretly tricked her out of a pack full of aged dynamite sticks to carry them in his own pack just for her. Could simple attraction cause him to do something so rash, so possessive? But no, that couldn't be right either. He was a doctor. It was a part of his job to go to great lengths to want to save everyone, to be the hero. His father had told him as much on many occasions, hadn't he? No, the dynamite incident couldn't mean that his feelings ran deeper for Kate. She was just another one of the survivors that he sought to save, another to make him a hero.
Still though, Jack didn't feel as though the issue was resolved. There had been something on the island, something very different than simple attraction. He had admitted it to himself at the time, hadn't he? Particularly on the day of their rescue, when he had shared those last moments with Kate before the marshals escorted her away. He had called it love then, so why was he in such denial now? A year had passed since then. A lot of things can happen in a year. A lot of things did happen in that year apart. Somehow, against his will, he had allowed himself to move on and accept that despite what they had had on the island, there was no chance that he and Kate could share anything like love back in the real world. But still, somewhere in the back of his mind, deep in his heart, he had hoped. Perhaps that was what drove him now; what allowed him to feel those long forgotten feelings once more.
Jack's inner struggle was interrupted as the woman who lay comfortably sprawled out in his arms shifted. Her lips parted in a brief yawn as her greenish gray orbs fluttered open, taking only a moment to adjust to her surroundings. She reacted to her findings much as Jack had. She saw as much as she felt her intimate position in Jack's arms and immediately she panicked, jerked her body roughly away. This sudden movement roughly jerked him from his thoughts.
"What-," Kate fought for words, her eyes wide at the realization of their close proximity, "We-what do you think you're doing!"
Immediately seeing her discomfort, and was that even fright he saw in her eyes, Jack's mind quickly sprang into action, fighting to somehow rectify the situation. What had he been doing? He had been holding her securely in his arms, their legs intimately intertwined as she rested her face against his chest. He had known how inappropriate their position was, but he had done nothing to stop it and now she knew. "I'm sorry…" he sputtered out quickly, eyes searching the room, falling on the single tattered upholstered armchair that sat beside the bed, at the old oak wood desk, at the battered door, anywhere but at Kate. He knew she would be angry. It would have been better if he had simply moved to begin with. "You were asleep and I-"
She didn't let him finish, letting her cautious mind jump to its own conclusions, "You thought you could take advantage of that?" she breathed, eyes staring him down in accusation, "I never thought you of all people, Jack-"
"Hey, now wait a minute!" Jack said, voice tight at her accusatory tone, "When I woke up, you were just like that! You don't think I would…" He didn't finish the sentence, voice almost pleading. Whether he felt something for her or not, he didn't want her to think he would do anything so forceful to her. He hadn't intended that at all. "Kate, you know me…"
It was beyond Jack why Kate would react this way to something like this. Sure, she had every right to be annoyed with him, he realized that, but annoyance seemed to be the last thing on her mind at the moment. She seemed almost fearful of him, almost as if she hadn't known him for the years that she actually had. It was almost as if all of their time spent together on the island had been suddenly erased from her mind. With a pang of worry for Kate, Jack's mind drifted to the mystery that was her past. Though he had known her for several years and been very close to her, he still knew very little about her. Now that he thought about it, anything could have happened to her way back before he knew her. God only knew what sort of terrible things she had been through. It stung to think about what might have happened to her to make her react like this. In the back of his mind, Jack had a few assumptions of what that might be, but he quickly pushed them away. He didn't want to think about someone ever violating Kate that way. It was sick, it was monstrous, but things like that happened everyday. He shivered at the thought.
She simply stared at him, eyes never moving from where they sat locked with his own. Her heart was pounding wildly within her chest. In truth, she knew she had overreacted to the whole thing. It was just Jack, after all. She knew he would never harm her. He wasn't like those other men she had encountered before. She didn't need to be afraid of him. But time had taught her caution, and most of the time that caution shifted easily to irrational fear, which replaced any normal sense of trust she might have in anyone. "No…" she all but squeaked, her voice tight and quiet with sudden emotion. The fear that had so suddenly flooded her left her just as quickly as it had come, leaving her with nothing but sheer embarrassment. What he must be thinking…, "No, I…I'm sorry, Jack…" she voiced lightly, obviously calming down. As a show of peace, she scooted along the bed, moving close to him once more. She reached out and placed a hand on his shoulder, briefly gripping there, "I overreacted. Reflexes, I guess…"
Kate offered him a small apologetic smile, reassuring him that she was okay and that she hadn't meant to accuse him. He let out a breath he hadn't realized he had been holding, turning his head to face her before nodding. "It's alright…no harm done," he reassured her awkwardly, hardly daring to look at her anymore. God, what had he been thinking, knowingly embracing her like that while she slept. He knew it wasn't right, yet he still couldn't say he regretted doing it. He only regretted, if anything, how she had reacted to it.
After a moment, Kate drew her arm away, letting go of her light grip on Jack's shoulder. Despite all his wishes to push away any thoughts along these lines, Jack felt a sudden twinge of regret that she was no longer so close to him. He was almost in a dream like state as he gently placed a soothing arm around her shoulders. He wasn't entirely sure what the gesture was for, and if it was even for her, but in that moment, it felt right to Jack. He felt her momentarily flinch at his unexpected touch, but this time she did not draw away, nor did she show any signs of being afraid of him.
Jack didn't know if it was just being around her again or getting the chance to interact with Kate again now that she was awake and was, in a sense, more real to him, but whatever it was, Jack felt his will to deny any feelings for her begin to waver. Before he knew it, thoughts and desires to melt away the barriers that constantly surrounded her suddenly filled his mind. These were the same desires that had plagued him during their time on the island. Jack couldn't even begin to count the amount of arguments that had come from these feelings after he had pushed her just a little too far with his questioning and his need for answers. Despite his strong sense of curiosity and even his need to know about her past, Jack felt that this time, he would do things differently. Some things took time, and he felt that if he played his cards right, in the end, he might finally get the chance to know Kate. To actually know about her, to know her past and to hopefully be a part of her future.
Her future? Where did that come from? Since when did he have such a desire to be such a strong presence in her life? Jack could have sworn that moments ago, when Kate had still been sleeping soundly in his arms, he had made some sort of agreement with himself that he was nothing more than attracted to Kate. People who were simply attracted to someone didn't care so much if they were in that person's future. All of the inner alarms were going off in Jack's mind telling him that he was allowing himself to go in too deep once more, like he had on the island. Deep down, Jack knew that the chances of anything ever being able to work between himself and Kate were slim to none. And since when did he want a chance? When did it become more than simple attraction? Jack, you're losing it, he mused to himself, slightly amused at his own lack of abilities to keep his emotions under control.
Jack guessed there was no use in denying it to himself any longer. He did feel something for Kate. A very strong something. Something he didn't even begin to comprehend. It was so much more than what he had felt when he married Sarah. The difference between the two was like night and day, but still, there was that connection. Wait, Sarah? Marriage? How the hell did he even let his mind drift to that? He was thinking about Kate here. Just Kate. Just his feelings for her. The feelings he didn't begin to understand. They had nothing to do with marriage. Marriage meant love, it meant total commitment. It meant certainty. He was anything but sure about how he felt right now, particularly about Kate. All of these thoughts were incredibly confusing and he didn't know what to make of them.
How was Jack supposed to consider any of this and figure out anything when all that he could think of at the moment was how close Kate was sitting to him and how easy it would be to simply turn his head and draw her to him, fiercely kissing her lips…No, no he shouldn't be thinking that. He should resolve his thoughts first. He should understand his feelings.
As if in defiance to his conflicting thoughts, Jack let his hand trail lightly along her shoulders. He felt her shiver in response, her head faced out across the room and fixed on the wall directly in front of them. Beneath his fingertips, Jack could feel that her shoulder blades and upper back were literally in knots, most likely due to stress and tension.
Not daring to voice his intentions, Jack ever so gently brought his other hand up to rest on her other shoulder, his body sliding into a sitting position behind her. He felt her tense as she realized what he was about to do, but before she could voice any protests, his hands began working ever so gently in circular motions around her upper back. As his hands rotated around her back, his figures began firmly gripping the more tense parts, gently kneading the muscle there.
"Jack…" Kate all but squeaked, voice in a tight whisper. She sounded almost hesitant, as if protesting was the very last thing she truly wanted to do.
"Shhh," Jack soothed in response, not at all slowing in his work on the muscles of her back. He knew that she wanted this closeness with him, if only she would stop denying it to herself, "Just relax…"
"But, Jack-" Kate pressed on, only to be immediately cut off by Jack.
"Relax," he insisted firmly, continuing to work the muscles of her upper back. She did not protest again.
Jack didn't know what had possessed him to start doing any of this. It had just felt right at the moment. As awkward as it was, it still felt right. Maybe he really did want this after all. Maybe he could really stop coming up with excuses about his feelings for Kate. Falling in love wasn't such an uncommon thing, right? He guessed he had just always thought that when it hit him, there would be no mistaking it. He had always imagined that it would fall on him like a ton of bricks. Still though, maybe he did love Kate. Or he could potentially love her. He knew in this moment that he wanted to explore his feelings for her. He wanted to know if he was indeed falling in love with her. He wanted to know more than anything what she was thinking throughout all this. With dread though, he didn't want to think of how it all could possibly end.
As if in a trance, Jack lowered his head to the back of Kate's neck, brushing away those unfamiliar red strands of hair, to delicately kiss her there. His lips brushed the bare skin of her neck, eliciting a feeling in him that he could scarcely identify or even hope to understand. It was as if there was a spark igniting within him that was slowly glowing brighter, turning into an ember and then finally into a blazing flame. It was what he had felt all of those times on the island when he had kissed Kate. Like they had a connection as they used such an intimate, tender action.
Almost as he had expected, Jack felt Kate flinch ever so lightly, almost unnoticeably at the brush of his lips. It was as if she was relearning to walk or being reintroduced to something she had once loved. He could almost feel the strange sensations stirring within her. He didn't know how he knew what she felt, but somehow, he did.
Unable to contain these new discoveries and this sudden lapse in his own defenses, Jack found himself trailing feather light kisses along her neck and what skin was visible of her shoulders. As his hands that continued to soothingly massage her upper back and shoulders slowly snaked around her frame, Jack found himself pulling her back into his embrace, hardly daring to believe what he was doing. They had had this sort of affection on the island. The feelings they had had for each other had been passionate then, but caring at the same time. What was happening now seemed like what they had on the island tenfold.
Kate shivered as she felt him begin to pull her into his warm, and as much as she hated to admit it, inviting embrace. Somehow, she had always known that if she and Jack were ever to cross paths again, something like this would happen. They would allow their feelings to take control once more, and maybe for a while, it would be like they were back on the island without a care in the world about how it could affect their lives in the real world. She wanted this, she knew, but at the same time, she knew that it was wrong for her to have it. She didn't deserve it and Jack didn't deserve to be held down by a fugitive. Kate knew that she should stop all of this right now while it was still a possibility to walk away without her heart shattering completely. She could block him out as she had done during their year apart. She could force herself to never think of him again, but to simply concentrate on staying alive as she lived her life on the run. She had earned that. But she didn't want it. Deep down, she wanted nothing but Jack. Deep down, she couldn't think of a better place to be than in this shabby, run down hotel room with this man.
As Kate continued to battle with herself, much as Jack had been doing himself, Kate began to shift in his newfound embrace, turning her body to face his. She felt shivers run up her spine as his hands shifted on her body, wrapping around her neck and shoulders and pulling her close. Her heart fluttered and her emotions reeled as she leaned into him then, knowing that this was what she wanted but what she knew she didn't deserve. It was a terrible feeling, she knew, to want something so bad, but to know also that you shouldn't be allowed to have it.
Before Jack could register what was happening, so relieved he was when he felt her respond positively to him by shifting in his embrace, that Jack found himself suddenly reaching for new goals. He dipped his head forward, bending down until their foreheads brushed lightly together. Without uttering a single word, for none were needed, Jack eased his lips tenderly over Kate's, locking their lips in a gentle kiss.
Kate knew that she had done wrong as she responded to his kiss, kissing him back with a passion to match his own. She knew that by doing this, she was crossing the line that she had set for herself the moment she had spotted Jack in that convenience store in the middle of nowhere. She had stepped passed the point that would allow her to walk away from all of this when they reached Seattle seemingly unharmed. Now, there was no denying that her heart would break when it was time for her and Jack to part ways. She knew she couldn't stay with him. She would ruin his life, just as she had ruined Tom's. She couldn't let herself do that to Jack no matter how much she wanted to be with him and no matter how much he said that he wanted her to stay.
Just as Jack began to entangle one of his hands in her tangle of red hair, running his fingers through it, Kate finally pulled away in protest. As she had just been pressed up against his chest, Jack had felt how fast and rapid her heart had been pounding within her chest. He knew how all of this had affected her. By the way she had responded to him, he knew that she felt it too.
"Jack, no…" Kate protested lightly, breathing hard to regain her breath. It was obvious that her heart wasn't in what she said, "We can't do this…."
"Why, Kate?" Jack pressed, not wanting to just give up. He knew that she was afraid of being close to him for reasons he didn't understand, but he intended to try his best to find those reasons. He couldn't let her walk out of his life again. It was a miracle that she was back in it now as it was. "Why can't we?" His voice held a touch of hurt.
At his insistence, Kate felt herself falter. It was hard enough to pull away from all of this, but to also have to resist him trying to convince her as well? This wasn't going to be easy. She could kick herself for letting things get as far as they did. She could kick herself for not just sleeping on that old armchair beside the bed.
"There are a million reasons, Jack," Kate said sharply, hoping to attract his temper. Maybe if she could just get him angry with her, it would be less of a temptation for her to give in to him, "You know that."
"No, Kate, I don't know that," Jack's voice was tense and shaky. Kate could tell by his tone that she had touched a nerve. She was slowly reaching her goal of spurring his temper.
"Jack, I'm a fugitive. I'm on the run from the law. Everywhere I go, I'm in danger of being caught and hauled off to prison," Kate stated firmly, as if this was an obvious reason. In the back of her mind, she knew that the Jack she knew would never accept such a reason. That had been only part of what had attracted her to him during their time on the island.
"So?" Jack countered, voice almost mocking. Yes, Kate knew that she had done a pretty decent job in eliciting his anger. She could almost feel it begin to radiate off of him. That desperate look of longing was no longer etched onto his face, nor did it illuminate his deep brown eyes. It had been replaced with a steaming rush of anger that she wouldn't give in to him and face her feelings.
"So?" Kate repeated incredulously, hardly believing that he would give such a simple and completely ridiculous answer. Even he had to see what was wrong with that, "So? Jack, you're a doctor! You have a life! You can't afford to get mixed up with someone like me."
"Oh, so now I'm getting 'mixed up' with you? God, Kate, I thought our feelings were more than that," he was fuming, Kate could see. His tone stated that she was stepping on dangerous grounds.
"Well what do you want to call it Jack?" Kate pressed on, feeling anger begin to course through her own veins. Good. This was how she wanted to feel. She didn't want to love him. She didn't want to like him. She didn't even want to be attracted to him, "Fooling around? Doing something we know can't work? Playing with fire?"
"You think all I was doing was fooling around?" Jack asked, his tone suddenly changing. Though the anger and temper were still clearly there, so was something else. Hurt. Kate could feel her heart beginning to break at the seam when she saw that. She wished things didn't have to be this complicated. She wished she could just be with him.
"Weren't you?" Kate pressed, though she could hardly pretend that she meant it. She knew deep down that what he had been doing meant more than that. It wasn't just a game to him anymore than it was to her. He really had feelings on the line just as she did. "You've never said any different, Jack. Not on the island and not now."
"What do you want from me, Kate?" Jack asked, the anger fuming in his voice once more. Still though, it was obvious that she had successfully struck a chord. She had hurt him.
"Honesty," she felt as hypocritical as she knew she must look to Jack as she said that single word. She knew that if he hadn't been angry before, there would be no denying it now. "Admit that all you wanted was a good time." She winced even as she said those words, knowing they weren't true. She knew that she and Jack had something much more than that. The problem was, they couldn't afford to keep it.
"I can't believe this…" he fumed, voice shaking from the anger and hurt he felt. Kate watching him struggle with himself, trying to keep in check. She knew that he was failing miserably. "What do I have to say to make you see that it's more than that for me?"
"Its not, Jack," Kate pushed, feeling her self control begin to slide. She could hardly hold her firm tone with him any longer. It was just like those first few weeks on the island when she had been in denial that she and Jack might have something. She had fought with herself then just as she fought with herself now. Only this time, she could not allow herself to lose that inner struggle. She couldn't let herself love him. "You don't love me and this doesn't mean anything to you. You only think it does."
"Maybe I do," the response was simple and extremely sincere, but completely unexpected on Kate's part. She had expected him to go off on a rage, any remaining hold on his temper shattered by her half-hearted accusations.
"What?" she all but squeaked, completely taken by surprise at his response.
"I said, maybe I do love you, Kate," Jack repeated, now looking her directly in the face. Their eyes met, and for a moment, Kate lost herself in his gaze. She let all of those feelings that she had been trying to stomp down return to her unbidden. But in an instant, that moment was gone and she once again made herself return to reason. She couldn't let this happen for his sake as much as her own.
"What if I said it didn't matter to me, Jack?" Kate pressed coldly, voice as stern as she could possibly make it. Her voice shook violently as she spoke, her eyes unwillingly filling with tears, "What if I said I knew I didn't love you?"
"Then I'd say that you need to stop denying it to yourself, Kate," Once again he had completely surprised her with his response. She had expected a haughty, anger filled remark, but instead, he had replied softly and with care. She didn't know how she was going to be able to continue with this charade, only that she had to. "I care about you, Kate…"
Again, Kate felt herself falter. She couldn't do this. She wasn't strong enough. She had been hurt too many times in life, but this hurt so much more than the rest of it. To be pressing so hard to give up something she wanted more than anything…
Regaining her composure, Kate forced herself away from him. She rose quickly from where she sat so closely to him on the bed, choosing instead to stand beside the nightstand and at a safe distance from him. "It doesn't matter, Jack," Kate stated in what she had intended to be a firm voice, but what came out as nothing more than a pure tone of regret, "Remember, only to Seattle."
A/N: Well, did you like it? I hope so...lol. I'd love to get some feedback from you guys because it really does help. Constructive criticism is welcome! I'd love to know what you think so that I can play that into my next chapter, so don't forget to review!