Disclaimer: Anything you recognize isn't mine. Pretty much everything here belongs to the creators of Lost, except for the song lyrics. Those are from the song Savin' Me by Nickelback.
Kate Austin's mind was in a petrified blur as she approached the tall, metal reinforced door. Walls of thick concrete surrounded her. Walls with no windows and only a single door, the one that loomed menacingly before her, drawing nearer with every forced step that she took. In these last tragic moments before Kate reached the end of the hall, thoughts of all that that door represented for her flashed wildly through her mind. It represented an end to freedom. All of her running had come to an end. It represented that the life of Kate Austin was over. Beyond that door, lay confinement. Past that door lay the rest if Kate's life.
"I let the fear in, let it take over, let it do its thing, but only for five seconds, that's all I was going to give it…"
It suddenly became hard to breathe as Kate's throat began to tighten. Kate snapped her eyes closed, slowly inhaling and exhaling to regain breath. 1.… Kate began counting in her mind, 2...3, she let her fear consume her, slowly melting over her being, 4...5. And then it was gone. In that last second, Kate jerked her head up, forcing her eyes open, washing her fear away.
"So I started to count, 1-2-3-4-5.….Then it was gone. I went back to work, sewed her up and she was fine….."
But Kate was not fine. Though all outward signs of her fear had vanished, the turmoil continued to plague her within. The prison guard that walked at Kate's right walked swiftly forward as they finally reached the door. He stepped forward, quickly typing in a code on the keypad beside the door before moving to open the door itself. A loud buzzer went off as the door opened and it only quieted when the door was once again closed. The two guards led the inwardly cowering Kate into the prison block, the door slamming audibly behind her.
As Kate stepped out into the block, a guard at each side, a faint hum of conversation could be heard from all sides. Murmurs and whispers floated into the air from within each of the prison cells that lined the hall. Kate once again found herself paralyzed by fear as she watched the hundreds of other prisoners leaning against their cell doors, their hands tightly gripping the bars so that they could catch a glimpse of her.
The guards continued to lead Kate down the block and she began to shiver against her will. Her fear felt like an unbearable chill washing over her, leaking straight through the thin, coarse orange jumpsuit she wore. Her dark, wavy tendrils of hair were left untied, cascading down her shoulders. To all appearances, she was an exact copy of every other prisoner already behind bars. She was not unique. She was not her own person, nor was she an individual. She was prisoner 19A465D. That was all.
After what felt like a lifetime in itself to Kate, they began to reach the end of the block. In the short distance between Kate and the concrete wall before her stood an empty cell to her right. Kate gazed upon the cell with discomfort, knowing that that tiny space, hardly larger than a walk-in closet, was to be the home for the remainder of her days.
Snapping her gaze back to what lay before her, Kate searched in front of her for the concrete wall she had been so fixated on before. Instead, her eyes landed on a familiar figure that stood before her at the end of the block. Kate's breath caught in her throat, not daring to believe her eyes. Jack! Jack was here, he was in the prison! But how? She hadn't seen him since he had appeared at her trial.
"Jack!" Kate called out, voice frantic with what? Fear? Joy? She didn't know. Maybe it was all of these emotions at once. Her mind reeled at his sudden and unexpected appearance, not bothering to consider how it wasn't possible for him to be here. She didn't care. All she knew was that he was here and that that was all that mattered just now.
Kate struggled blindly against the guards, desperate to reach Jack. "Let me go!" she began yelling, kicking and throwing punches to free herself from the hold the guards had on her. "Jack!" she called out his name again, even more franticly than before.
Jack stood as still as a statue, all the while watching Kate and her wild display to free herself from the guards. He stood little more than fifty feet away, wearing black dress pants and a crisp white shirt with a matching black tie. His suit jacket lay draped over a desk chair that sat to his right side and his arms were crossed over his chest, as though he had been waiting for something or someone. His lips were twisted into a visible frown, quivering ever so slightly. His hazel brown eyes that she loved so much, always twinkling as he spoke to her, held no shine or happiness. He looked drawn and tired, his face pale.
"Jack!" Kate called out again, not understanding why he just stood there, why he wasn't coming to help her. Didn't he care? Wasn't he here looking for her? "Jack, please!"
WHAM. With a desperate cry of despair, Kate fell to the cold stone floor of the prison block, knocked clean in the back of the head by one of the guards. In the several seconds that it took Kate to come back to her senses, the guards had already scrambled down to her sprawled form on the floor, roughly grabbing her up by the arms and forcing her back to her feet.
Once again, Kate met Jack's eyes and felt desperate to reach him, desperate to feel him. "Let go!" she screamed furiously, once again fighting with all that she had to break away from the guards. Swinging around briefly, Kate swiftly kicked at the guard to her right, her foot mercilessly catching his shin. With a cry of pain, the man fell into a heap on the floor. The guard on her left rushed, to pull his partner up from the floor, unintentionally relinquishing his hold on Kate. She was free.
Kate didn't waste any time in sprinting away from the guards, rushing toward Jack, still in his statue-like state. "J-Jack!" she called out in desperation, running to meet him, "Jack!" She could not say his name enough, could not stand to steal her eyes away from his figure even for a second. It had been too long since she had seen anyone she could call a friend. But he was here and he would save her like he had done so many times before on the island. He was Jack.
"Kate…" the words formed on his lips, echoing into the halls around her. His brow furrowed together in a sad frown, shaking his head forlornly to the left and right. He began to turn away from her, moving for the first time since she had set eyes on him in the prison block.
"Jack, no! Wait!" she called out desperately, just about to reach him.
Jack simply shook his head, the same sad, forlorn look written clearly in his features. He looked upon her now almost in pity, "No, Kate…" he said softly, voice tinged with what sounded like regret, "I don't know what you're capable of…"
With those piercing words, Jack turned away from Kate and began to walk away. Undeterred by his words, wanting only to reach him, Kate ran with all of her strength after him. "Jack, please!" she yelled after him, voice desperate and lost. Though she ran as fast as she possibly could and he moved forward only at a walk, it was impossible for her to reach him. It was as if time itself was holding her back, pushing her further from him in the prison block. "Please, Jack! Stop!" she called out, hot tears of pain and longing now rolling steadily down her cheeks. "Jack, you don't understand! Please, just listen to me!" she continued to call out, but to no avail. Jack didn't stop, nor did he even turn back once. He continued to walk on, farther and farther away from her, the gap between them growing larger with every second.
Just as Jack's form became little more than a tiny dot in the distance, Kate heard frantic voices and shouts behind her. She threw herself down onto the cement floor in defeat, knowing that she had no hope of ever reaching Jack now. She simply lay in a heap on the cold, hard floor, reduced to a fit of sobs. She had never felt so weak or so hopeless and alone in her entire life.
Within seconds, the voices and rush of foot steps grew louder and the guards were once again upon her. "There she is!" she heard one yell in triumph as the two guards, now accompanied by nearly five other men rushed forward to once again take her captive. The ignored her sobs and roughly lifted her from the floor, pushing her to her feet. The walk back to her cell was empty of meaning to Kate. She didn't care about anything now.
Upon reaching her cell, the guards none too kindly threw her inside, roughly slamming the barred door behind her. Kate sank to the concrete floor in despair, feeling more lost and alone than ever before. The very walls that surrounded her felt as if they were closing in, about to crush her any moment. She was terrified of this hellish confinement, horrified at never having hope at finding comfort again. Laying in a sobbing heap on the floor, reduced to nothing, Kate gingerly gripped the iron bars that kept her in this cell, her mind lost in a whirl of emotion, fear being the most prominent. She felt as if she was falling into a pit of despair, no chance of ever coming back, "Jack…" she whispered to herself between sobs, "Jack…"
"Jack!" Kate woke up with a start, her body covered in a cold sweat, screaming. She sat up with a jerk, her entire body swinging forward from the impact, gasping for breath. Her greenish gray eyes were wide with fear, blinking in shock as if to test that what she saw around her was real. Kate could hear the rhythm of her heart pounding within her chest in her ears, her breaths coming fast.
Relief fell over her like a warm blanket, flooding over every inch of her as she heard the sound of the ocean's waves crashing against the sandy shoreline not far from where she lay. Looking around her, as if for the first time, Kate could see that she had been sleeping out on the beach. Her small canvas backpack lay beside her, holding all of the possessions she owned. A brown zip up cotton sweatshirt lay rolled into a ball on the lumpy mounds of sand beneath her, serving as a pillow. Her legs, still covered by her dirty pair of jeans, were twisted up in the confines of her thin airline blanket.
It had all been a dream then. A terrible, entirely realistic dream. No, it had been a nightmare. One that had been much too real for her liking. Everything had felt so solid, so there. Kate's heart still thudded wildly within her chest, her pulse still racing. Hardly noticing it aside from the wetness on her face, Kate felt tears begin to roll steadily down her face. How long had it been since something had affected her like this? How long had it been since a dream had enough power to bring her to tears? Kate couldn't even remember the last time. But here she still sat, softly crying in the sand and not knowing why exactly.
Kate sat in silence, inwardly trying to calm herself and stop her tears as the other castaways slept soundly around her. She could hear the soft snoring of a man not far from where she had set up her little camp. She breathed in deeply, closing her eyes gently against her tears, listening to the rhythmic sound of the waves. The sound was so soothing to Kate. She hardly noticed that the tears continued to fall down her cheeks.Prison gates won't open up for me
On these hands and knees I'm crawlin'
Oh, I reach for you
Well I'm terrified of these four walls
These iron bars can't hold my soul in
All I need is you
Come please I'm callin'
And oh I scream for you
Hurry I'm fallin'
"Dr. Shepard!" the voice of a young nurse called out over the frantic tension of the ER."What've we got?" came Jack's quick reply as he hastily rushed through the swinging white doors and into the chaotic ER. He had just been out for a few minutes, trying to regain his wits over a coffee break. No sooner had he set foot into the hospital's cafeteria before he had been paged by a nurse from the ER. A critical patient had been brought in. Jack had dropped his coffee and rushed hurriedly back to his station in the ER.
"Female, twelve years old, critical condition," the nurse responded, rushing to keep up with Jack as he approached the gurney where the girl lay. She was surrounded by nurses and interns alike, all waiting for the chief of surgery to tell them what to do.
"What happened?" Jack asked as he began to look over the patient, his pulse racing madly. It wasn't often that he was faced with operating on a child. It never failed to make his blood run cold, looking at something so innocent fading so fast.
"She was hit by an oncoming vehicle while crossing the street on her way home from school," the nurse replied as she read the information from the girl's chart, "Both of her legs are completely shattered. There is severe damage to her lower spine in three places and her lung collapsed in the emergency vehicle on the way to the ER."
"I screwed myself up pretty bad, huh?"
As Jack listened to the nurse recite the information off of the girl's chart, he felt as if he had been hit by a ton of bricks. This girl was very critically hurt. He knew that there was a tiny, nearly hopeless at best chance of her recovering. But for the sake of this young, innocent life, he had to try. Jack could not give up on her, because giving up meant failing and failure was not an option for Jack Shepard.
"You are not going to die. I'm going to fix this, okay? I am going to save you…"
Moving quickly, Jack shifted his gaze to check the girl's BP monitor, all the while manually checking to be sure her heart was still beating. Her breaths were few and far between, coming in completely uneven. "What's her blood pressure?" Jack hurriedly questioned a nearby intern, not bothering to look up from what he was doing.
"I can't get a clear reading," the intern replied, voice panicked.
"And her pulse?" Jack questioned, his demeanor void of emotion as he concentrated on the job before him.
"Her pulse isn't steady, but its still there."
"Boone. Boone, Locke said you fell from a cliff…"
"No, no. There was - it fell. The plane. It's because of the hatch. We found a hatch…"
"Alright, we need to clean her up and get her to the OR immediately," Jack said, letting the interns take over as he rushed to prepare for surgery.
Several hours later, Jack was still caught up in the intense surgery on the little girl. He was fighting what everyone around him knew to be a losing battle. The pale, faded blue scrubs that Jack was wearing were splattered with the child's blood, as was the plain white cloth over the operating table. Jack could feel tiny beads of sweat building up on his brow as he stood hunched over the patient, working with everything that he had to spare her life.
"Dr. Shepard, her stats are dropping," the intern beside Jack warned, hardly daring to speak to him. It was well known by everyone working in the OR that when Dr. Shepard set out to save a patient, it consumed him entirely. He would work without relent until the final verdict came in.
"Why are you doing this? He's bleeding inside. You're not helping him. You can't save him, Jack. You just can't!"
"Stabilize her," Jack replied tersely, fighting not to admit to himself that the battle was over and he had lost.
"Don't tell me what I can't do!"
Within seconds, Jack heard a blaring alarm set off, sounding like a constant, dead ringing in his ears. That sound was all too familiar to Jack and it was an eerie reminder of all the times that Jack had failed in this very OR room. That sound, that piercing ring, signified that the heart of the patient on his operating table had stopped beating. The heart had stopped pumping blood to the brain and other vital parts of the body. It meant that the patient could no longer breathe or function. But most off all, it meant that the patient was dead. Gone. The life of this tiny slip of a girl, gone in just a moment's time.
"I'm not going to let you give up…"
"Are you going to call it, Dr. Shepard?" a nearby intern asked solemnly, the death of their unusually young patient affecting her as well. She placed a gentle hand on Jack's shoulder.
Shrugging the intern's hand off of his shoulder, Jack took a moment to let the harsh reality of what had just happened sink into his conscience. This realization left a bitter, tormenting taste in his mouth. Voice dejected and shoulders slumped in obvious defeat, Jack pronounced the young girl dead at 8:15 PM on Thursday, April 23, 2003.
"Time of death, 8:15..." Jack muttered in defeat, ripping off his surgical gloves in defeat.
"I know you made a promise. I'm letting you off the hook. Let me go, Jack…"
Jack made his way out of the unnatural, bleached white walls of the OR and into the hall. Spotting a chair just outside the door, Jack slid down into the seat, exhausted both mentally and physically. Jack reached up weary hands to remove his surgical glasses and pull down the thin white mask that had covered his face during the procedure. Still wearing his faded, blood spattered blue scrubs, Jack hunched forward in the chair, leaning his elbows down on his knees and burying his face in his arms.
Breathing in deeply, Jack sighed. He had known before even starting the surgery that it was very unlikely that his patient would survive. She was so young and so fragile. She just didn't have what it took to survive such a terrible accident followed by such a risky operation meant to save her life. It wasn't fair, but since when was life ever fair?
Lifting his head slowly from his hands, Jack heard a squeaking, whistle-like noise as the interns and nurses wheeled the gurney with the dead girl's still form out of the OR, her tiny body covered with a thin white sheet. Jack watched the gurney as it was pushed past him, trying his best to fight back the burning sensation that boiled within his eyes. He wouldn't cry. He wouldn't give in to the weakness that he felt.
Running his hands over the weary lines of his face, Jack turned his head to look on down the hall, his eyes meeting the double white swinging doors that led back into the ER. Just as his gaze began to waver, the two doors swung gently open and the form of a young woman in her mid twenties appeared. She was dressed in ill-fitting jeans with a ragged orange shirt, a small hole protruding in the cloth on her shoulder. Her jeans were held up by a thick brown leather belt with a large silver buckle and on her back was a small blue backpack, obviously meant for carrying supplies while hiking. Her long, dark hair was hastily pulled back in a loose ponytail, hanging limply down on her shoulders.
The woman, Jack noted in these brief seconds that she came through the doors, was obviously not a part of the medical staff. The locker rooms for changing into scrubs and medical coats were off in the opposite wing of the hospital, past the swinging doors. No intern or nurse would come this far without having changed into their medical uniforms as it was strictly against hospital regulations and they could easily lose their jobs.
It was in these next few seconds after the woman had stepped completely through the white double doors that Jack immediately recognized her. Kate. But how? Upon returning to the states after being rescued from the island, she had been flown back to New Mexico to be tried for the murder of the young Dr. Tom Brennon and had then been transported to a women's correction facility in Utah after being proven guilty. It wasn't possible that she could be here in this very hospital in LA, several hundred miles from where she was supposed to be.
His mind snapping back to reality, excitement and perhaps a smidge of fear coursed through Jack's veins at the realization that Kate was here in the hospital where he worked. It had been well over a year since he had last seen her, having not been allowed to visit her during the course of her trial and now with his job being too demanding to take any time off. "Kate!" he shouted, a sort of relief washing over him at seeing her here, but still needing to know why.
At Jack's call, Kate slowly shifted her body to face him, almost in a dreamlike state. Her greenish gray eyes met his in this moment, washed over with a sort of sadness and maybe even regret. It was almost as if she were looking past him, perhaps not even seeing him at all. "Kate!" Jack repeated, this time raising his voice just a little more, not bothering to consider that he was sitting in the halls just outside the OR and could easily be disturbing any one of the many serious operations taking place in each of the nearby rooms.
But once again, Kate didn't respond to Jack's call. She simply continued to stare on, as if looking past him at something. It didn't make any sense. How could she not see him? And if she did see him, why didn't she answer him? What would she be doing here if not to see him? These questions and many more raced furiously through Jack's mind as he rose quickly from his seat to turn his body to face hers completely. He also wondered if she was safe. Had she managed to escape from prison? What if she had legally been set free? There was so much that Jack needed to hear just now, so much that he wanted desperately to know.
Jack began to approach Kate in a hurried walk, in a rush to reach her. There was so much that needed to be said between them. He had missed her company more than he would ever care to admit these past months in her absence. "Kate, it's me…" Jack's voice cracked in disbelief, hoping that all of this was some kind of joke. He was in no mood for a joke just now though. A young patient of his had just died. He hoped that maybe they could talk about that. She always seemed to have a way of making him feel better about his own failures. She had always told him that he couldn't always be the one to take the blame every time something didn't work out. It wasn't always his fault.
Just as Jack was nearly close enough to touch her, she shook her head sadly, lips twisting into a pitying smile. Once again, her eyes were washed over with sadness. Jack watched in confusion and disbelief as she slowly began to turn away from him, reaching once again for the bleached white swinging double doors. "Kate, wait…"Jack voiced, shocked at seeing her turn away from him. He came to a stop, almost panting, standing in front of her, "Where are you going?"
Just as Jack came to a stop little more than an arm's length in front of her, Kate turned her head back to face him, eyes brimmed with tears, "I don't want to be Eve…" She held her gaze steadily on his for several agonizing moments more, Jack too stunned to speak, before she once again turned away. This time, she didn't look back.
"Wait, what?" Jack asked, hardly able to understand why she would say that to him here, now. But Kate had already turned away from him once more, making her way in an almost dream-like state through the bleached white double doors.
"Kate, no one is asking you….Kate!" Jack called, pushing his was furiously through the swinging double doors as they flew back in his face. Jack found himself in the long hallway that led from the OR rooms to the series of elevators at the end of the hall.
As they continued to run down the hall, Jack's heart fell when Kate's form disappeared around the corner, past the cluster of elevators towards the end of the hall. She was taking the stairs. It seemed that no matter how hard he ran after her, she only moved farther away, thought she only moved at an almost leisurely walk.
Without hesitating for a moment, Jack raced up the stairs after Kate. Even as he reached the base of the stairwell, she was already too far out of sight up the stairs for him to see her. From the bustling noise of the hospital, he couldn't even hear her footsteps as she rattled up the stairs. In his heart, Jack knew that no matter how fast he ran after her now or how loudly he called her name, she was gone.
After what felt like an eternity to Jack, he reached the top floor. He came up to a tall metal door, knowing that it led to the 18th floor, the roof. Stopping for several moments, Jack panted heavily, stooping over and gripping his knees, trying to catch his breath. Regaining his composure as best as he could, Jack threw open the metal door that led to the roof and stepped out onto the concrete covered floor.
As Jack stepped out into the crisp city air, a sudden burst of sound filled his ears. Cars honking, pigeons cooing, the bustling sounds of life in the city. Jack's heart pounded without relent in his chest as he looked around the concrete rooftop, knowing that Kate wasn't there.
Fists clenched in frustration and defeat, Jack approached the ledge of the roof, overlooking the entire city. The hospital building was fairly small at its eighteen story height compared to all the towering skyscrapers around him, limiting his vision to only a small portion of the city. Looking down to the ground below him, Jack watched as cars raced by, while others on the opposite side of the street were caught in one of LA's infamous traffic jams.
Many people would call this view beautiful, inviting, but not Jack Shepard. No, this city didn't welcome Jack. Perhaps it once had, but lately Jack was beginning to believe that even in that past life, it had been nothing but a lie he had convinced himself of. It seemed that of the late, all he could dream of when he fell asleep were sandy beaches and crashing waves. Campfires scattered like fireflies along the beach and thin, towering palm trees bordering the shoreline in a choppy pattern. Here as a spinal surgeon in LA, something was missing. In his heart, Jack knew what the something was. Kate, the woman that had become such a solid part of his everyday life on the island. Jack thought it was damned ironic that once he had finally found something to make him whole and fill the void that was his life here in LA, it was something he couldn't have unless he was lost on an uncharted tropical island, fighting for survival and hoping for a rescue that nobody thought would ever come.
As these unwanted thoughts plagued his mind, the frustrations of this day and everyday since he had been rescued from the island and the life he knew now that he wanted more than anything else, Jack broke down. He slid to his knees, falling to the ground in pent up frustration and despair. Head in his hands, Jack let the tears flow freely from his eyes, running down his cheeks and onto the faded blue scrubs he wore. He soon found himself leaning his frame against the concrete ledge of the building. Jack pulled his knees up to rest against his chest, wrapped in his arms. "Kate…" he forced the name out as he continued to sob, mourning for the lost chance he had had on the island. "Kate!" he cried out, nearly as loudly as he could, banging his fist against the concrete ledge before being reduced to sobs once more.
"Kate!" Jack suddenly awoke, finding his surroundings to be entirely black with the tiniest ray of moonlight straying onto the dirt and gravel path that led into the depths of his cave. Gasping, Jack continued to breathe hard, heart thudding wildly within his chest as a result of his dream. It had been so real. Too real. He had woken up screaming her name. Since when did she mean that much to him? Since you met her, a part of him said matter-of-factly. And Jack knew that that was true. Since the moment that he had first seen Kate stumble into his small sandy clearing on the beach from the dense jungle foliage nearby, something had stirred within him. It was as if part of him knew some special secret that the rest of him was dying to know.
Sitting up, Jack brought his hand to his forehead, lightly rubbing it to soothe the migraine that had come on. He had felt so different these past few days. At first Jack had thought it was due to the chaos of the past few days and all of the stress from the hatch, but somehow, he knew that it was more than that.
Realizing that it was unlikely sleep would return to him even if he tried, Jack got up from his makeshift bed of airline issued blankets and seat cushions, Jack fumbled at his bedside for his flashlight. Finding it, he quickly flicked on the light, searching his cave for where he had thrown his clothes the previous night. Not wanting to further waste the battery, Jack switched it off as soon as he got a visual of where his suitcase was. Struggling across the caves in the darkness, Jack reached blindly for his jeans, battling to put them on. His shirt was much easier, sliding over his chest and shoulders with ease.
Not really knowing what he wanted or what he was searching for, Jack left his cave and headed down the all too familiar path to the beach. All he knew was that he felt empty, as if he needed something. He longed for the calming fixture of waves and the soft sand beneath his feet. Besides, he thought to himself, it was such a rare delicacy for him to see the sun rise.
Heaven's gates won't open up for me
With these broken wings I'm fallin'
And all I see is you
These city walls ain't got no love for me
I'm on the ledge of the eighteenth story
And oh I scream for you
Come please I'm callin'
And all I need from you
Hurry I'm fallin'
A/N: Ok, so this was originally meant to be a one-shot, but its gotten ridiculously long winded, so I decided to break it up into two separate chapters. I can't say when I'll be posting part 2, but hopefully soon. I hope you guys liked it because as of right now, I'm really not that sure about it. Getting feedback from you guys would be awesome, so please review!