His touch was a gentle as it has always been; he just touched my shoulder at first, I had felt a touch at all in almost a year. I could not stand to be touched after I lost him. "Are you ok?" was all he asked, but it was all I needed I lost my cool compositor. I was not ok I was alone Oh god so alone!
I had given myself to my husband 'until death do us part' and although he had gone first I meant to keep that vow. But the hand on my shoulder was going to push me to breaking that vow and yet the owner had no clue what he was doing to me; I wanted to feel again, I don't know if Wash would understand but I needed this.
His hand was strong, yet caring I pulled it closer to me and the man it belonged to. I had known him for so long yet I did not know him like this, I was not sure our friendship would have survived this. I did not care I needed it, I needed him. I pulled him close to me and wept for the loss I had not wept for in so long. I was always the strong one on the crew the one everyone turned to, and yet I could not share with them my pain it was too privet.
I pulled him to in front of where I was sitting and I laid my head against his waist. I cried for what seemed like hours and yet all he did was stroke my head, and comfort me. "it will be alright we will get through this" his words were kind and soft. I wept so hard my body shook and I fell from the chair.
He picked me up from the floor of the cockpit; I had not been aware he was this strong, and yet the proof, like his arms, were all around me. He carried me to my bed and laid me down. "Don't worry you will be ok I will sit with you till the morning" he was again talking softly.
I was still crying when I felt him remove my boots and guns. I let him I had no will to argue any longer, and he was the safest person in the verse for me to be here with in this state. I would have died for him, and I had many times killed for him, it was not a love but it was, we had built so much trust it went beyond love it was loyalty.
Me and Mal had been through a hell that many in the verse had never imagined, and we come out the other side alive and mostly sane. He was my husband's best man and my cap'an. I would have done anything to ease his pains and he would have done the same for me. It was an unspoken loyalty, but I needed more from him now.
I needed him to help me feel again, I needed his touch to burn for me; to remind me I was a woman and not just a dead man walking. For a year I had wondered around in a haze doing my daily routine but I could not feel anything, no happiness, no sorrow and no love.
As he laid the covers over me in the bed I kissed him, I was not sure how he would respond, but I had to I needed this; I just hoped he could understand.
There was fear in his eyes at first but he returned my kiss, and I knew what the fear was.
He did not want to do this, but would do whatever I needed, all he said was "you sure 'bout this?" he was looking out for me, and Wash. I know he was afraid of getting in to the bed I had shared with my husband. He did not want disrespect what Wash and me had. "yes" was all I said I gave him a look that told him this was something I had to do.
We had never had sex before but I needed so much to be loved at this moment. I feared what being alone would do to my mind, and so I pulled him closer to me in the bed and he gave in to my needs, for that I was thankful.
We spent the night doing things that would have rocked the starts, and as the morning came and he dressed and left my bunk he kissed me on the forehead.
I will not regret the time I shared with him and I can still feel his gentle touch late at night when I am alone in my bunk, it was Malcolm Reynolds who showed me what it meant to be loved, when I was not able to love myself.
We never talk about that night and no one knows but us. I was an unspoken loyalty that allowed us to share a touch that burned.
FIN
OK well that is the end I hope you like Please Review let me know what you think. Again it is not betaed, but I don't have one as of yet so I am sorry if there are issues feel free to let me know.