Chapter 7: Heightened Awareness

A/N: This chapter occurs between chapters 37 and 38 of For Tomorrow We May Die.

Monday, 16 September

Remus rolled over and slapped irately at the insistently buzzing alarm, sighing miserably. Reporting to the Ministry every morning promptly at eight was beginning to take its toll on his patience, and a late night hadn't done much to help.

Opening one eye, he peered at the clock. Five. He knew he needed to get out of bed and go take a shower now if he wanted to have hot water—Arthur would be up in half an hour, and then Bill, then Charlie, then the twins, then Molly… By seven, hot water would be a priceless commodity. As would a tea cup. To some extent, it irritated him that he had to be the one to accommodate their schedule, but every time that thought crept unbidden into his mind, he reminded himself that someone was going to have to make a change, and in the same breath that he asked why him, he could ask why not him.

And perhaps the latter was the more valid of the two questions. After all, the Weasleys, at least, were making a living. He wasn't doing anything but taking up space and living off the generosity of others.

The last few days, that fact had really embedded itself firmly into his mind. He went to the Ministry of Magic every morning and sat in front of Lara Berkeley and drank his dose of Wolfsbane Potion, then turned around and walked back out of the Werewolf Support Services Office and tried not to meet the eyes of those less fortunate than he.

Those less fortunate than he. Meaning those who did not have wealthy friends who died and left mansions for them to live in and those who did not have Potions masters who brewed Wolfsbane as friends and those who did not have families of six living under their roofs. Families with mums like Molly Weasley who was simply appalled at the idea of beans and toast for dinner and firmly believed that one more person didn't make the least bit of difference in the cooking of meals.

He was getting tired of living off the generosity and good grace of others.

By the time he arrived at the Werewolf Support Services Office, fifteen minutes before eight and therefore fifteen minutes before anyone was there to open the doors, he'd worked himself into a regular pity pool over his circumstances. Nothing could have been more adept at emasculating a man than the humiliating and humbling experience of being a werewolf under this Ministry.

Fighting the urges to yawn and sink onto the floor to wait for the doors to open, Remus leaned against the wall and folded his arms, closing his eyes and waiting for eight o'clock. As soon as he'd had his potion, he had every intention of going back home and crawling back into bed for another six hours of sleep.

He heard the sound of footsteps approaching, but didn't open his eyes; he didn't really care who it was, at least until he heard a weary and familiar voice.

"Stop that. Sit there on the floor, and put your hands in your pockets."

Remus opened his eyes enough to confirm the identity of the speaker—the mother of the young boy, Edward. It was Edward who was sitting on the floor now, his hands in his pockets, looking solemn. Forcing himself away from the wall, Remus straightened and watched for a moment as she shifted the sleeping child in her arms so that she could dig in her purse. She seemed to be having a time of it, trying to juggle child and purse at the same time, and Remus took a step towards her.

"Can I help you with that?" he asked, lifting her purse without waiting for her response. He held it on his upturned palms, and she paused for a moment, not quite meeting his eyes, then retrieved a rumpled envelope from one of the side pockets.

"Thank you," she said softly.

"Not at all."

He glanced down at Edward, who was inching away from his mother very slowly. She followed Remus' gaze and hissed, "Edward! Get back over here now."

"But Mu-um," Edward whined, "I don't want to see Miss Lara."

"I don't either, but sometimes we have to do things we don't want to do," his mother replied, then turned back to Remus. "Do you have children?" she asked.

"No," he replied, shaking his head, a little bewildered. She still had the dark circles under her eyes, and she still looked painfully thin, but she didn't look as listless as he remembered her. She looked a bit irritated, in fact.

"Consider yourself fortunate," she muttered. "Edward! Get up. Come stand over here, in front of me. Now."

Remus glanced at Edward just in time to see him reaching into his mother's purse and jerk his hand away quickly, as though he'd been bitten. He was sulking as he did as he was told. Remus felt a faint smile creep onto his face.

"We've spoken," he said, turning his attention back to the woman, "but I don't think we've been properly introduced. Remus Lupin." He extended a hand, then stupidly realized that she had her hands more than full of the child in her arms.

"Diana Murphy," she replied, smiling slightly, an expression that momentarily transformed her tired face. Her smile faded suddenly though. "Edward!"

Remus looked around just in time to see Edward slinking off towards the lift, and he made four long strides to catch up with the escaping child and clamped a hand onto his shoulder, steering him back to his mother. He was about to release the boy, but thought twice of it, and left his hand on his shoulder.

"Thank you," Diana said, then glared at Edward. "What did I tell you before we left home this morning?"

Edward was looking down and didn't answer.

"Did we talk about what was going to happen if you didn't behave today?"

"I don't want to see Miss Lara," Edward protested again. "I want to go home. I don't like it here."

Remus squeezed his shoulder gently, sympathizing. He didn't like it here either.

"I'm sorry," Diana said, giving Edward a stern look. "We're a little cranky."

Something in Remus bristled at that. A little cranky. Her child was going into one of the Ministry holding cells for three days, and she said he was being cranky. Remus thought he'd be more than cranky if he were the one being forced back into that confinement. He tightened his grip on the boy's shoulder, but Edward was already squirming away from him.

"You're a werewolf too, aren't you?" he asked, craning his head back to look up at Remus.

Remus crouched, balancing on the balls of his feet, his arms propped on his knees. "Yes," he replied, "I am."

"I'm Edward. What's your name?"

"Remus."

"Does Miss Lara make you undress and get on the scales too?"

"Edward!"

Remus glanced up at Diana and shook his head slightly. "It's all right," he assured her, then nodded at Edward. "She does."

"Why does she do that?"

The immediate answer in Remus' head was 'because she's a bitch', but that hardly seemed an appropriate response to give a seven year old child. "She's just doing her job," he replied at last.

"Did you have to stay here last month?" A shadow crossed Edward's face, and the corners of his mouth plunged into a deeper frown.

"Yes," Remus replied quietly. Diana was leaning against the wall now, watching them.

"I was scared," Edward confessed softly, scuffing the toe of his shoe against the floor. "I was trying to be brave, but…"

"It's hard to be brave when you're all alone, isn't it?" Remus asked quietly, and Edward nodded, then looked up at him with big brown eyes.

"Were you scared too?" he asked, sounding hopeful. Remus wished he knew what the boy wanted to hear—that yes, he, a grown man, was frightened as well, or that no, there was nothing to fear. He settled for honesty.

"Yes," he replied. "I was scared too. I think we all were."

Edward's eyes grew even rounder. "Did you cry?" he asked.

Remus glanced up at Diana; she was clinging to the child in her arms, tears streaming down her face, and he forgave her for calling Edward cranky. This couldn't be easy for her either.

"Yes," he said softly. "I did."

"Me too," Edward confessed. He was blinking rapidly now, his eyes shimmering behind a sheen of unshed tears. "I don't want to go back."

And what do you say to something like that? Tell him it will be all right, when you both know it won't? He might be seven years old, but he's human, and he knows when he's frightened and when he's hurting, and he was frightened and hurting just then. It would be an outright lie to tell him that everything would be all right, yet Remus wanted to offer him some sort of reassurance, to give him some kind of comfort.

"I know," he said at last, taking a deep breath in the hopes that it would steady his voice. "But you just keep telling yourself that it won't last long, and think about how when you come out, your mum will be waiting there for you. I know it isn't easy, but you have to just keep being brave. Will you do that for me, Edward?"

Edward nodded, and a silence settled between them. Before it had the chance to become uncomfortable though, the door opened and Lara stepped into the corridor, smiling broadly, though looking concerned as her eyes drifted from Edward to Diana, then to Remus. Remus stood slowly, and was vaguely aware that Edward had taken a step back, behind him.

"Is everything all right?" Lara asked brightly, and Remus shook his head slowly. Was she ever going to learn that nothing was all right?

"Come on, Edward," Diana said, stepping forward and reaching for her older son. "Let's go."

Lara stood aside, watching as the four of them filed into the office, then followed them inside. She gestured into the waiting room, looking at Remus. "Do you mind having a seat?" she asked. "I just want to get Edward settling."

"You don't have to go too?" Edward asked, suddenly looking quite betrayed. Remus sat in one of the chairs, leaning forward, his eyes level with Edward's.

"No," he said. "Not this month."

"Why not?"

"Edward, that's enough," Diana said sharply, but Edward wouldn't be swayed.

"Is it because you were good?" Edward asked.

"No," Remus said firmly. "It has nothing to do with being bad or good. You aren't here because you've done anything wrong, do you understand that?"

Edward nodded but looked doubtful. "Then why don't you have to stay?"

Remus looked at Diana, and for a long moment, she held his gaze, then looked away. He had no idea if that meant he should answer the question or not. Finally, he sighed. "I'm taking a potion," he said. "It means I don't have to stay."

"Does it mean you don't turn into a werewolf?" Edward asked.

"No," Remus replied. "I still transform. It just lets me remember who I am, so I can remember not to be a danger."

"Oh."

"Let's go," Diana said, reaching for Edward again, but he danced out of the way once more, still looking into Remus' eyes.

"Can I take the potion too?" he asked, and Remus' mouth opened, but no words came out. He glanced at Diana.

"No," she said firmly. "Now let's go."

"Why not?" Edward asked, turning to face her.

"Because I can't afford it, Edward. Now go."

Remus leaned back in the chair, closing his eyes and feeling worse than ever. If it weren't for the generosity of a few friends, he wouldn't be in nearly as favorable a position. His heart was breaking for the boy, a seven-year-old who didn't understand half of what happened to him every month.

"Can Remus come with me?" Edward asked, and Remus felt another stab of pain. When he opened his eyes, Diana was looking at him.

"Yes," Remus said softly. "I'll come with you."

He stood and followed the little procession down the all-too familiar corridor that led deep into the department. As the light dimmed to nothing more than candlelight, Remus swallowed the sense of cold dread that was threatening to surface again. After his little performance last week, he was wary of entering this part of the building, and he kept reminding himself that he needed to set a good example for Edward. The last thing the boy needed was to see a grown man reduced to a whimpering heap at simply entering this place again.

They finally stopped, and Lara handed a folder over to the guard. "Murphy, Edward. Case number 43978705."

The guard made a notation in his ledger then handed Lara a key. "Number seventeen," he said, and Lara reached for Edward. He stepped away from her, though, and reached for Remus' hand instead. Without thinking, Remus took his hand and squeezed gently, then nudged him forward.

When they reached the cell, Lara unlocked it, and Remus braced himself for the horror to sweep over him. It rose in his throat like bile as the door swung open and Lara stepped inside, Edward following her. Remus found himself pulled in after, and Diana was the last to enter the cell, her younger child still plastered against her shoulder and breast like a starfish clinging to a rock.

"Go away, Mum!" Edward said suddenly, giving her a half-pleading, half-commanding look.

"Edward," Lara said, smiling brightly as always. "Don't you want your mother in here with you?"

"No," he said bluntly.

Diana looked as though nothing short of sheer will power was keeping her from collapsing on the floor and sobbing. Her eyes were bright, her lower lip trembling, and as she spoke, her voice was thick. "I'll just be waiting outside," she said.

She stepped back into the corridor, and Remus folded his arms as Lara steered Edward to the corner of the cell. "All right, Edward," she said, pointing at a small door. "In you go. Wait just a minute—take this with you." She handed him something, and then shut the door, leaning against the wall.

"Are you doing all right, Remus?" she asked conversationally, and Remus glanced around the cell. And to think, just a few hours ago he'd been grumping about getting out of bed and taking a shower at five o'clock.

"Yes," he said absently, his eyes settling on the pile of straw in the corner, a pair of blankets folded on top of it.

"You look tired," she observed. "Are you getting enough rest? You know you should be resting and…"

"I'm fine," he interrupted.

Before she could respond, the door opened again and Edward stepped out, wrapped in a blanket. Lara reached for him, and Edward stepped away, an expression of dread on his face.

"Come on now, Edward. You know I'm not going to hurt you."

"No," Edward replied, setting his jaw.

Lara took a step towards him, and Edward danced out of her reach. "It will only take a minute," she said soothingly as she reached for him again. He ducked away.

"No," he repeated.

Remus hugged himself as he watched the scene playing out. On the one hand, he understood Edward's reaction perfectly—he was never thrilled about this part of the process himself. On the other hand, he knew that Edward was only making it worse.

"Come on, Edward," Lara said, her voice starting to carry a slight edge of impatience. "This will be much easier if you'll just cooperate."

"But you're a girl," Edward protested, and Remus had to bite his tongue suddenly, in spite of himself. It was such an obvious proclamation, but spoken with such vehemence and so concisely.

"That doesn't matter," Lara said firmly. "Now, just stand still. I'm just going to—OW!"

Edward delivered a sharp kick to Lara's knee, then bolted towards the door. Remus snaked out an arm and caught him around the waist, pulling him back into the cell.

"What's going on in there?" Diana's voice called from the other side of the door.

"Maybe you'd better come in here," Remus called back, to which Edward let out a loud, shrill protest.

"NOOOOOOOO!"

Lara limped over to Edward, who was caught in Remus' arms like a fly in a spider's web, and as the door opened and Diana walked in, Lara snatched the blanket away from Edward's shoulders.

"NO GET AWAY FROM ME I WON'T LET YOU DO IT I WON'T I WON'T I WONT I WON'T…"

"Hush!" Diana stepped forward and grabbed Edward's arm, hauling him roughly to the side. The child in her arms had woken, and apparently taken exception to the noise his brother was causing, because after a moment of confused blinking, he started crying. Big, fat tears rolled down his rapidly reddening face while he tugged on Diana's robe.

"Mummy-mummy-mummy-mummy-MUMMY!" His cries grew louder and more shrill as he took offense at the fact that he was not the center of attention. Remus winced at a particularly ear-splitting wail and told himself firmly to remember this scene as an excellent reason to never forget a contraceptive if he ever had sex again.

"Robbie, please," Diana said, attempting to shift the clinging, wailing child to her other arm without letting go of Edward. Remus cleared his throat softly.

"Is there something I can…" he began.

"Here," she said, dumping the screaming child unceremoniously into his arms. The child screamed all the louder and made a valiant attempt to dive onto the floor, arms outstretched towards his mother.

"NO I WON'T LET YOU DO IT YOU CAN'T MAKE ME I WON'T I WONT I WONT!"

"MUMMYMUMMYMUMMYMUMMYMUMMYMUMMYMUMMYMUMMY!"

"EDWARD, STOP WRIGGLING AND LET MISS LARA…"

"MUMMYMUMMYMUMMYMUMMY!"

"NO NO NO NO NO!"

"MUMMYMUMMYMUMMYMUMMY!"

"ENOUGH!"

Both children stopped screaming, and Remus was momentarily impressed by the command she apparently had with a single word. At least, until he saw the wand in her hand and realized that both children were still protesting, though soundlessly now.

"Accio juice!" she snapped, and a cup flew into her hand, which she shoved towards Remus. He offered it to the child in his arms, and the toddler clutched at the cup with both hands, still sniffling soundlessly.

Remus shifted his newfound burden, and finally the child settled petulantly against his chest, clutching the cup and watching his mother. Diana, meanwhile, had Edward's chin between her fingers and was telling him in no uncertain terms that if he didn't adjust his attitude, she was going to adjust it for him.

Lara looked roughly like Remus felt—simultaneously amused, embarrassed and grateful that the kids weren't her problem.

"Finite," Diana said, straightening, and Edward stood staring solemnly at his shoes as Lara cleared her throat and approached him again.

Diana watched for a minute, then apparently confident that Edward was going to behave, she turned to Remus and extended her arms to take the child back. He want willingly, still looking wide-eyed and wary, clinging to his cup.

"Thank you," Diana said, picking up her bag again.

Remus glanced beyond her at Edward, who was standing statue-still, though his face was red and tear-streaked. His heart ached for the boy, and he felt a searing sympathy for Diana, trying to juggle all of this alone. "Not at all," he assured her.

Once Edward had settled down, it only took a few minutes for Lara to finish her examination. Remus made an effort not to watch, which meant that he found himself watching the younger child—Robbie—instead. He was still clinging to his juice cup, though now he'd begun to sip at it a little. Like his brother, he had very big brown eyes.

"All right then, you're all done," Lara announced finally, draping the blanket around Edward's shoulders again.

"Can I have a few more minutes with him?" Diana asked, and Lara smiled.

"Of course," she said. "Remus and I will just go find his dose of Wolfsbane, and I'll be back for you in about fifteen minutes. How's that?"

Diana nodded, and Remus smiled encouragingly at her, then glanced at Edward. "See you around, Edward," he called. Edward just sniffed and continued to stare at the floor. Remus sighed softly and followed Lara back into the corridor.

They walked silently through the dark tunnel and emerged in the hallway leading to her office. "Go ahead and have a seat while I go get your potion," she said, gesturing him inside.

He sat and glanced around. Every time he was in her office, it seemed a little less organized, though each time the disorganization spoke less of a new occupant settling into the office and more of a woman with better things to do than file.

After a few minutes, she returned with a goblet emitting a silvery vapor and placed it on the desk. After nearly a week, he knew that she expected him to just pick it up and drink it, and though it made his teeth curl to even think about it, he did reach for it without prompting. He'd learned on Thursday that taking the initiative before she told him to saved a shard of his pride and made her less likely to nag. He took a small drink and his eyes watered.

"Do you have a place to spend the full moon?" Lara asked as he took his second small drink.

"Yes," he replied hoarsely, silently praying that she wouldn't ask for the address.

"Very good," she said, massaging her leg through her robe.

"Are you all right?" he asked, nodding at her knee.

She laughed softly. "I'm fine," she replied, and for a moment, her eyes twinkled. "I have to admit that there are times when I wish I had children of my own, but that generally only lasts until I have to spend five minutes with someone else's."

Remus snorted softly and took another drink. "I can't say that a similar thought didn't cross my mind," he commented dryly.

"I don't suppose it will ever be a problem for you, will it?"

He bristled slightly at the implication. "Of course not," he agreed blandly. "No woman would put herself in such a position with a werewolf, would she?" He drank half of what was left in the goblet and shuddered.

"I didn't say that," Lara protested. "I wasn't even thinking it, actually."

"Then what?" A flicker of doubt crossed her face, and he paused with the goblet halfway to his lips, raising an eyebrow.

"I just assumed that you were… well…" She cleared her throat, a faint blush touching her cheeks.

"That I was what?" he asked, putting the goblet down.

She cleared her throat. "It really isn't important," she replied, waving her hand at him. "Finish your potion."

He scowled slightly at the order, but obeyed, shuddering again as the last of the bitter liquid curled his tongue and offended his taste buds. "What did you think?" he asked as she took the goblet.

She wouldn't meet his eyes. "After last week when Professor Snape was here…" she began and trailed off.

After a minute, comprehending dawned in his eyes as he remembered their banter from last week. A mischievous smile played at his lips, though with her back turned, it was doubtful she could see it.

"Oh, Severus," he replied. "You know, he's very understanding about such things. Of course, we haven't really discussed it—how either of us feels about children. It just never comes up. I suppose we could—ah—make some arrangements though."

Lara's head whipped around, her eyes wide, her face flushed, and for a moment, he was struck by how attractive she was with the heightened color blossoming on her cheeks. For a moment, it was rather like the first time he'd met her, and he could easily believe that he might like her.

He stood, shaking the thoughts from his head. "Am I done?" he asked.

She shook her head and then nodded. "Yes, of course," she replied, sounding vaguely flustered.

As he walked past her, she cleared her throat, and he paused, turning to look at her again.

"Are…" she began, then swallowed. "Are you and… Professor Snape…"

For a second, he considered how best to answer that question, attempting to formulate a response that considered all the possible angles, particularly the offer Severus had made regarding the lie about his address. "He really isn't my type, you know," he said finally, and then walked quickly out the door before she could ask him what he meant.

A/N: See? I didn't abandon this one either!

It is, however, going on hiatus for a while now. Because this story runs parallel to Tomorrow We May Die, there's a sepcial problem in writing both of themthey're so wrapped up in one another that about the time I get on a roll with one, I have to stop and catch the other one up, since they really have had to build off each other up to this point. I found myself contemplating a hurried ending to one or the other so I could get back to writing, and I finally stepped outside my self-imposed box and realized that I could salvage them both by separating them in time a bit. There's room in both fics for large time jumps, so I'm finally going to take advantage of them.

I fully intend to pick up this story again after I get a few more chapters of Tomorrow upat the moment, I'm looking at maybe a month-long hiatus in updates of this story, provided I can keep my muse interested in Tomorrow. In the mean time, rest assured that no great progress is being made with the Ministry of Magic, but there are no substantial offenses either. Things have reached a temporary plateau for Lupinabout damn time, yes?

Cecelle and Silverthreads: I left myself two mile-wide openings here for a love interest, and I really intend to use one of them when I pick back up again.

Cecelle: thanks regarding Lara. She's a very complex character in my mind, and I'm trying hard not to let her become too likable or unlikable.

Cecelle and duj: yes, Sevvie has come a long way, hasn't he:smirks:

Shavaineth: thank you! It's a very fine line between drama and angst-whoring and I'm glad to know I'm walking it well ;)

HPROX: LOL! I thought four feet worth of bathroom was pretty good! I think that's bigger than my bathroom, actually. :ponders: Thanks for your comments, anyway! I'm glad you enjoy coming along on the emotional roller coaster rides!

Neotoma: Thanks for your comments! I think you are absolutely right about Snape and Lupin and the offer for the lie. I envision Snape as having better things to worry about than what people think of him.

hopgoblen: thanks for your comments. I'm glad you're enjoying and I appreciate the encouragement.

Thanks as always to everyone for reading, and especially thanks to the lovely LariLee for her marvelous beta skills. If there's anything left wrong, I take full responsibility.

Oh, and since I haven't mentioned it lately... I still don't own HP.