A/N: Written for a LJ challenge a while ago so thought I will post it here as well. My second SK fic but the first one posted here. (The first is a lemon so you readers will have to go to my LJ to read that...) Hope you guys understand what I am trying to say in the fic, I set in the context of a Hororen AU fic that I am planning to write. Meant as a side-chapter or just something random. Please review!
Rating: PG (Just very subtle hints, not even shounen-ai. Woah, it has been a long time since I have written something so mild. )
Disclaimer: Ren and Horohoro belong to Hiroyuki Takei. Sure hope they are mine though.
Summary: Ren ponders. And Horohoro joins in. (hinted Hororen)
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The sky never seemed so blue before.
Sitting on the edge of a grassy slope, I look up into the early morning sky. The place is quiet, even the breeze is soft and gentle. Except for the sounds of birds going out to hunt, it is a lazy morning.
I couldn't sleep, at least not in your definition of what is sleep, so I decided to take a walk and clear my mind off things, or rather, try to reorganize the mess stuck in my head. I have been here for a while, more than two months, I think, and life has never been so aimless for me. I don't know what I have been doing except waiting for my injuries to fully heal and quarrelling with you on a daily basis. The pace in the village is slow and so... different. Different from how I have been taught to live since young. It has always been about pride and victory and not destroying the family name; I am still trying to get used to such life.
The wind gradually picks up speed and blows the smell of fresh spring into my face. It's a refreshing change, one that I never knew existed. I close my eyes, enjoying the scent of grass and soil before I look back up. More birds circle the sky, going off in different directions, minding their own business.
I yearn to be like them. Spreading my wings, gliding, flying. Free. I long to be able to soar in my own sky, as blue as the one above me. But it just isn't there. Even if it does exist, try as I might, I haven't been able to find it.
Suddenly feeling heavy-laden, I rest my head on my bent knees, two fingers fiddling with the grass below my feet. I have an urge to pluck them out one by one, but I know you will disapprove. It's too pointless a task for me anyway.
Somewhere in the distance, less than a hundred metres away, something small, brown and moving caught my attention. It's a bird, a baby bird. It stands unsteadily on its tiny, thin feet, flapping its wings furiously. Its legs seem too fragile for its body, its wings too oversized for it. The bird flaps its wings, runs forward, jumps up slightly, then falls back down onto the soil after a few inches. It shakes its furry body and starts running again.
Up and down, up and down, it keeps falling down.
I'm not much of a ornithologist, that's more like you, but I have heard of how some birds learn to fly. They will jump off somewhere high, a cliff, a tree branch or a roof, and flap their wings with all their might. And praying for those wings to not betray them.
I wonder how many died trying.
Oh well. I continue staring at the little bird, mind in a blank.
I hear footsteps behind me and I immediately know it is you. You are never a quiet person.
"Hoi," you say cheerfully and sit down beside me. A little too close for my liking, but I am used to it. "You weren't in the room this morning, so I decided to just come and look for you. Tough night?"
"Hn." Actually, the nights had gotten better. Images of my past are not haunting me as frequently as they used to be.
"What have you been doing the whole morning?"
Why are you already so chatty so early in the day? But I decide to entertain you anyway. I point my finger in front and you squint your eyes, looking carefully.
"Oh, a baby bird? I never know you like birds."
I don't. The chick just caught my attention.
"It's impressive huh, now it's jumping around like mad, but then one day, you will see it in the sky with the rest of them." You continue saying, and lie back onto the grass, looking up into the same blue sky.
I just wonder when it will get eaten up.
It's almost a one-way conversation, you babbling on about birds and their lifestyles, while I remain silent and continue staring at the determined bird. It's too early for me to shout at you to shut up.
Suddenly, I feel a tug on my sleeve and turn to look at you smiling. "Have you ever wished you were a bird?"
"What?"
"You know, just flying through the borderless sky, not bounded by anything. Enjoying the feel of the wind brushing across your face, having the world below you as you just glide through the air..." You explain, stretching out your arms straight just like a bird. Then you add, "Of course, it's not too tempting to have to eat worms though."
I manage a smirk at your weak attempt of a joke. "...Birds eat other stuff too."
Your blue eyes flare up in anger. "Of course I know that! What do you think I am? Stupid?"
"Kinda."
"Hmph!" You snort and ignore me.
Flying like a bird... Of course I wish for that. It's probably the one thing that has driven me to fight all these years. The one thing I have wished for. Just so that I can leave that hell of a place, which my heart cringes with the mere thought of it.
But it never worked. No matter how hard I try, how furious I flap my wings, I could never lift myself up from the ground. Sometimes when I felt that I am nearing the top, almost touching the sky, I would be hit back down again. Over and over again. It's hard not to lose hope like that.
I lie back as well, pushing the awful memories away.
"Sometimes, I envy them." It's your voice again. Are you still talking about the birds? "They seem to have not as much worries as humans. Not as much desires also. Just flying carefree through the air... It's all so basic for them. The whole sky is theirs. You don't see them fighting over it right? Yet humans kill other humans just for a plot of land. It makes me sad just thinking of it."
I wince inwardly, your words piercing right into my heart. I can't blame you for those words; you are just a pacifist who embraces the earth. I know you don't know what happened to me. I never told you anything. Or maybe I have, when I allow you to comfort me at night after those nightmares. But I am sure I never said much. I was not planning to say much either...
"I..." I must be crazy, telling you this. "I long to be like them too."
"Really?" Your eyes widen and you prop your head up on your left hand, looking curiously at me.
"Yah... But it's not about the fighting. I want to be able to just fly and not care about anything else. I don't want to feel burdened or tied down or being obliged to do something that I don't even want to. I am sick of being forced to do things that I feel horrible for. I want to... just escape." I whisper. I just want to be free.
"... Then why don't you?"
I open my eyes wide, not even realizing I have closed them. I sit up, slightly angered at your casual tone, and stare into those blue orbs. "Why don't I? Do you think that I haven't tried? Do you think everything is as easy as planting those damn bushes of yours? You sure make it sound that way."
You sit up and place a hand on my shoulder, which I immediately push off, looking away angrily. You grab my shoulders, turning me around and forcing me to look straight at you.
"But you are here now, isn't it?"
Your serious expression shocks me. As well as your words.
"I believe that if you truly want something, and you try hard enough for it, you will get it sooner or later. No matter how strong or how weak you are. You just have to keep trying and trying. Like that little bird just now. It may seem hopeless now, but if it just keep trying with the same determination, I'm sure it will soon soar to the skies. You want to escape, from what I am not sure, but the point is, you are here now. It may only be temporary, but the fact that you are here means that you are already one step nearer that real escape. Isn't that good enough?"
You look at me earnestly with those blue eyes of yours. Your eyes aren't big, but the blue is obvious, the lightness shining bright. It's a blue of the same shade as your hair. A blue as clear as the blue sky above us.
"You are here now and not back there. That should be what matters to you."
Suddenly, it becomes a bit clearer to me.
It seems like the cage door is opened all along; I just haven't realized it. I often say I want to escape, but have I actually tried to? I'm always flapping my wings, fighting for my freedom, but I have ignored the small door at the side, patiently waiting for me. I have chosen to bang against the four walls of the cage, never once thinking of the door. But now that I have finally taken a small step out of it, is it too late?
Why am I here only now? Why am I not here earlier?
Angry at myself, I lean onto your chest, trying to contain my emotions. No, I am not a weak person but I just don't want to look into your eyes right now. You gingerly placed your arms around me, comforting me like you always does after I was awakened by my nightmares.
You're right, what matters is I am here now. It's the now, and not the before.
And maybe now... I will get to see more of such blue skies.
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September 2005