Note: I almost put 'Author's Note' but I can't quite put 'author' when referring to myself. Oh, well… Thanks for all the reviews! I don't think I could write at all if you guys didn't give my ego a boost from time to time. What makes it so special is that I know you would be just as quick to tell me I stink if you thought so. I love honest people! This chapter seems to ramble a little to me, but I can't make myself cut any of it out. When you get to the next chapter you'll see why. Besides, when you love someone that you think you've lost, you tend to ramble, a lot! Hope you enjoy…
Disclaimer: I don't write for profit (which is probably a good thing, since I like to eat and sleep under a roof), I write for fun and because I don't own the characters, I couldn't write for profit even if I were talented enough. This all belongs to someone else (to my chagrin) and I'm just glad I can borrow them for a short time.
Sarah saw Gawain walk into the tavern and look around until he saw her. He had an unreadable look about him and she wondered what he had on his mind. She smiled when he looked at her and she saw him give a small half-smile in return before he headed in her direction. Looking around, she tried to find something to make her appear extremely busy, but since the tavern was virtually deserted and she had worked so hard trying to keep from thinking about him that everything was done and ready for the first crowd, she just stood there and waited for him to get to her.
Gawain saw Sarah and hesitated when she smiled. Lancelot had to be wrong, she wouldn't smile if she had been hurt by his actions. Surely after all the things that had been said before, she would have ignored him or in the very least, appeared angry with him. He finally headed toward her, deciding to just see what happened before he said anything about what Lancelot had said.
"I see you've been busy. I'm glad that you have a few minutes so we can just talk before the others start to arrive." He watched her closely as he spoke and not seeing any sign of anger he felt relief. "I wanted to make up for all the extra work Vanora has been doing while I've been away from the tavern," she explained. Then she walked over to a small table and pulled a chair out to sit down. "Are you still feeling better?" She asked, mostly because she couldn't think of anything else to say.
"Yes, there is very little pain as long as I don't strain my shoulder. Dag has some very good salves in his bag of healing stuff." Gawain gave a little chuckle, "But with us, he has to." He wanted to talk about anything but what he was saying, but afraid he'd say something wrong, he just chatted with her like acquaintances discussing the weather.
The silence that followed was getting uncomfortable. Sarah tried to think of something to say, some way to let him know that she wasn't going to let what happened that morning cause trouble for him, but no matter what came to her mind, she couldn't bring herself to say anything out loud. She heard Gawain clear his throat and looked up from the table, "Sarah, about this morning, I hope you understood what I was trying to say…" he let the words trail off as he saw the way her eyes flinched as he spoke. But she changed her expression so quickly, he thought maybe he imagined it.
"Gawain, don't. I understood and there is no need for us to discuss anything now. You're right, we should just wait and see what happens when I get to my village." She made her voice as light as possible trying hard not to sound forced. "Besides, if what you all have told me, this may have no bearing on anything." She saw the relief in his face as she finished. He must have thought she would throw a tantrum or something and was trying to stop it before it got started. His actions let her know he had no time for a commitment with her or anyone else. He just wanted to be friends, not lovers. He had plenty of them after all, lovers with a lot more to offer than she did. She was glad he was relieved at her words. Now maybe he would go back to the way he was before he got involved in her affairs and she could go back to the way she was. Even if she now found that thought totally depressing.
The saddened expression in her eyes made the green that sparkled when she was happy, seem dull and lifeless. He wanted to take the sadness away and assumed she was thinking of her family, probably lost to the Saxons. "You know, we could be wrong. You may get back and find everything getting back to the way it was when you left. We'll just have to think about the possibility that there is a positive side and forget all the negative things." He reached across and put his hand over hers on the table. "Remember, we've seen a lot of destruction over the last fifteen years and we sometimes fail to see the good in things." He watched as she looked down at their hands on the table. When she looked up he saw the sadness slowly lift from her expression. He smiled and started to say something else when he heard men talking loudly as they entered the place. It seemed their quiet talk wouldn't get to continue after all. But at least he had made her feel better and he felt better about the way things were going. Lancelot had been wrong this time. She was not angry, and she didn't appear to be hurt, so he started to rise, "Well, it seems you'll be busy for a little while, so I'll go back to my room and try to rest. Will you join me later, or shall I find you?"
"I can join you, but I don't know how late I'll be. I promised Vanora that I would stay and help out tonight. She's going to be short handed and I owe her for letting me have my job back." She had her other hand hidden under the table and crossed her fingers to ward off the evil that lying would bring. She hoped he didn't get a chance to ask Vanora about what she'd said and saw no reason for him to. He knew how busy things could get and since Vanora was a friend, wouldn't want to cause her any trouble. She had enough of that with eleven children to tend to. She looked him in the eyes, trying to reassure him that everything was fine. She saw him search, then apparently satisfied, he nodded and stood up.
"If you don't come before it gets late, I'll come and escort you." He took a step toward her and put his arms around her shoulders in a tight hug, lightly kissing the top of her head. She hugged him back and tried to hide the unhappiness that had settled over her at his readiness to accept her excuses. She knew she was being emotional about the whole thing. She wanted him to believe her so he wouldn't think she was hiding anything from him, but on the flip side, she wanted him to seem disappointed that she might not come to him later. She wanted to be more than just a friend and the disappointment scared her. But being his friend would have to suffice. At least until he was healed enough to travel so she could go home and live the rest of her life with the emptiness she now felt in her heart. The heart he now possessed whether he wanted to or not. The heart he could crush if he so wished. The heart he had crushed with one word. Friend.
Gawain reluctantly released his hold on Sarah and looked down into her face. She smiled and slowly stepped back from his embrace. He thought she did so reluctantly as he himself had done. Before either could say anything, Lancelot came strolling up and clapped Gawain on his good shoulder, "Hey, you ready to eat? I'm starving myself!"
Sarah took the opportunity to get away from Gawain's gaze. She quickly stepped back and said, "I'll go get you some food. I don't know what Vanora cooked this day, but it smells good to me." She turned and hurried toward the kitchen, glad that no one could see her face. She knew if she had to lock gazes with anyone, she would lose her brave front and break down in front of everyone there. Her heart felt like it was being torn in half and she didn't know if she would be strong enough to keep the pain hidden if anyone looked too closely.
When she stepped around the edge of the kitchen wall, she leaned against the wall and let her breath out slowly. 'I don't know if I can keep this up.' She thought to herself. This was going to be the hardest thing she had ever done. Even harder than running from her village when the attack came. Harder than facing what might be there when she returned. If they were all gone, as the knights seemed to think, what would she do? She couldn't come back here and have to see him, knowing it would never be more than friendship. She would rather be far away and wonder if he ever thought about her than be here and see him with the other women as she had seen before. She shook her head to dispel the images that played before her eyes.
She suddenly felt ashamed for her thoughts. If everyone was truly gone, she should be thinking about her family. The family she would never see again. The family that had meant everything to her before coming here. Thinking of coming here brought her back to the man that tormented her thoughts. Why had she fallen in love now when she had gotten so close to going home with her feelings still intact. She would never have realized the love she had thought she had with Derek was only a shell of the true love she had felt with the blonde man on the other side of the wall. Ignorance would have let her be satisfied with that shell. Now she wanted more. She wanted what she could not have.
The two men watched her walk swiftly toward the kitchen. When she went out of sight, Lancelot grabbed Gawain's arm and steered him toward their usual table. He waited until they were seated, "Well? What did she say?" he asked impatiently. Gawain smiled, "One, you need to brush up on your knowledge of women. Two, she understood what I had told her. She said so out right. Three, don't ever scare me like that again! I practically ran over here, thinking I'd done something that would put me back where I started with her." He told Lancelot with a slight air about him.
Lancelot gave him a skeptical look, then he sighed, "If you say so. She did let you hug her before she walked away." Then almost to himself, "I could have sworn she had been about to cry when she looked at me." Gawain reached over and cuffed his arm, "You're getting lame and out of practice with the ladies. I guess I'll have to accept my share of the blame. It seems I've let the rivalry go slack, old friend" He laughed and looked up just as Sarah let one of the bowls slip from her hand and go crashing to the floor. Hot soup splashed on her legs and on both men. They both jumped up and Lancelot took the other bowl from her hand. "Are you alright, sweet Sarah?" asked Gawain as he took her hands in his. His endearment toward her took away the sting of tears she had felt just a moment before. How dare he call her 'sweet' when just a minute before he had been telling Lancelot he'd missed the fun with the other wenches! "Yes, I'm fine." she exclaimed, trying to hide the anger that had surfaced. "I'm sorry, the bowl got too hot and I let it go." She explained.
Sarah knew she would have to get away from him before she said or did something to show how angry she felt. "I'll go get another bowl. Excuse me." She saw him nod, then she turned and headed back toward solitude. She gave a bitter laugh as she got out of sight of the two men. 'Galahad should see him now. It seems he doesn't know his friend as well as he thinks!' She quickly got another bowl of soup and wrapped it with a cloth to make it seem she was protecting her hands from the hot bowl. This was going to be a terribly long day and she was no longer in the mood to put on a face of calm serenity or feigned merriment that would be required to hide her true feelings. If he didn't hurry and leave soon, she thought she would have to find an excuse to leave and go to her room for a while so she could compose herself.
When she returned to the table, she placed the bowl in front of Gawain. She flashed him a smile that she hoped he took as genuine, then turned to clean up the mess she had made earlier. The two men seemed to accept her excuse as to why she had dropped the bowl. She heard them begin to speak about things only they could know about. Day to day goings on for men who lived as they did. The duties of knights. As quickly as possible, she had the mess cleaned up and left them to their talk. She would make it through this mess. She had to. She couldn't let anyone know how alone she felt. She had boasted too often about how everyone would be waiting for her to get home and now, even though she doubted it was so, she had to continue letting people believe she just wanted to go back there. Back to what? The life she had thought so perfect before. The life she now knew had been a dream in the mind of a young girl in love with love. Nothing else.