Thanks for the reviews! Hope this chapter makes up for all the 'misunderstandings' of the last couple of chapters, but unfortunately, there will still be more (as with real relationships). Got to leave for work in less than thirty minutes, so don't have time to address each review as I would like. Now on with the story…
Still don't own the storyline or the characters, much to my dismay!
Tristan watched her run her hands across her face, then with a heavy sigh, she reached into the tub and removed a mug and began to wash it. He could tell that her mind was not on what she was doing by the way she absent mindedly did the work. As quietly as he had stepped into the scene, he stepped back out. This was just another thing to prove him right. Love was not worth the trouble. He might be lonely sometimes, but at least he knew his feelings and didn't have to constantly wonder what someone else felt. But, he probably wouldn't wonder anyway, he thought as he headed for his usual place at the wall. He'd just go to her and ask. Maybe he should tell Gawain what she said and suggest he do the same. Then shaking his head, he looked over the wall. He'd never been one to interfere in other's affairs and he wouldn't start now. Not even if he thought they needed someone to lock them in a room until they hashed this out. No, he'd let them make their own mistakes and watch the outcome.
As he stood there, he saw Sarah step across the courtyard, headed for the knight's quarters. He had taken her for a strong woman. One that knew what she wanted and would fight for it. Maybe she was inadvertently taking his stance on things and was going to confront Gawain. He thought about his brother in arms. He hadn't exactly been acting himself since she came into the picture. He seemed to be more careful in his words and actions than he had before. By this time, he usually had bedded the woman and moved on to the next conquest. Or, he'd bedded her a few times and lost interest. This time he seemed to care for her feelings more than his own. That had to be the only reason he had tried to secretly watch her every move in the tavern. Always averting his eyes if he thought she was about to look back in his direction.
Tristan shook his head again. Both of them had been dancing the dance all night. She watched Gawain from the corner of her eye as she went about her work, careful not to let him catch her looking. And he had done the same thing toward her. Tristan had been a little shocked at the expression of sadness he'd seen in her eyes a few times. He sensed a longing that would not be fulfilled and couldn't understand what it meant. If what he'd overheard between Gawain and Lancelot had been truth, then it seemed Sarah was more than taken with him and it was only at his friend's urging that they waited to share a bed and not because she didn't want to. He was still thinking about how people should be more like the animals he felt close to. What they felt, you knew. Be it anger, sadness or pain. He doubted they felt love, only rutting when the need to procreate presented itself, but they felt affection. That he knew and he also knew they made sure it could not be mistaken for any other emotion. People should be more honest with their feelings. That was all there was to it. These were the thoughts that were passing through his head when Gawain stepped up to where he was standing.
"Hey, Tris, get tired of the tavern?" Gawain tried to sound off handed about his greeting, but after almost fifteen years, you learned to read another person. "Did you?" he threw back as an answer. Gawain hesitated before answering, "I don't know. I just had some things I needed to think about and the noise made it almost impossible." He laughed softly, "that and Lancelot's pestering. You know how he gets when he's drunk." Tristan grunted, not particularly interested in the conversation, just what Gawain had been thinking about. "So, did you think the problem through?" He didn't look at his friend, he was staring into the blackness of the night, watching for any kind of movement in the shadows of the sliver of a moon that hung low in the sky. In way of an answer, Gawain shot back a question, "You don't miss much, do you?"
Tristan glanced sideways at Gawain, "No, my life usually depends on not missing anything, so I just don't." He heard the long, drawn out sigh, "I sometimes wish I had your talent of observation. But, it seems I don't see half of what I should most of the time." He became quiet and Tristan knew he was trying to find a way to ask his opinion. He knew that even though the scout rarely discussed matters with the others, he still formed opinions about most of what happened in their lives. He decided to give him a break and just tell him. "I think you should just go to her and tell her how you feel. How else can you be sure she knows what's in your heart? Then just ask her how she feels, straight out, no hidden meaning behind the question. How she answers will mean more than her words." Having said that, he turned away from his friend, giving him time to digest what he'd said.
"I thought I already had. This morning. But Lancelot didn't think so and now I wonder if she misunderstood me. She's acted different all day. Friendly, yet distant at the same time. Makes no sense to me. She knows I'm usually with one of the wenches when we're at the fort, what did she think I meant when I stopped before things got out of control? I've never backed away from the opportunity to bed a woman before." He looked toward Tristan, waiting for a response. Just as he thought nothing would be said, Tristan said quietly, "Exactly what did you say to her when you stopped?"
"I told her I didn't want anything that happened between us to cause her guilt if she found her betrothed alive when she returned home. Tris, for the first time in my life, I want all of her. Not just a night in my bed. I want her heart, her soul, and, well, everything that makes her Sarah. That's why I want to wait until we find out what happened to her home. When I take her to my bed, I want her past to be over, completely. I don't want to compete with the man she thought she loved for a time." The passion in his voice made Tristan wonder about what could change a man so completely.
"Did you tell her all of that?" He asked instead of voicing the thoughts going through his head. Gawain shook his head, "I don't remember exactly what I said. I just remember seeing her in my mind, going back to this 'Derek' because she felt she had done him wrong in some way. I saw myself losing her because of my impatience. Because of my own lust." His voice saddened at the memory of his thoughts from earlier. Tristan waited for a minute, then he clapped Gawain on the shoulder, "She just went toward our quarters, looking for you I guess. Why not just go find her and straighten this out now, once and for all? Would it be any worse to know the truth than it is with all the things you think might be the truth?"
Gawain hesitated for a moment, then he nodded at Tristan, "Maybe I should have sought your wisdom before I listened to Lancelot. You make more sense." He gave a little laugh and heard Tristan mutter, "Like there was ever any doubt." He laughed out loud and headed down from the wall. It was the first time he thought he'd ever heard the scout make a joke whether he meant to or not. It felt good to laugh again. He hoped he still could after he found the woman he sought.
Sarah agonized over the picture of Gawain strolling out of the tavern with one of the wenches until she thought she would scream in frustration. Finally, unable to stand it any longer, she had told Vanora she'd come in early the next morning to finish up and left to find out if her fears were true. She headed across the courtyard toward the rooms the knights kept at the fort. If he was with another woman, she wanted to know. Then she could begin to accept what the future held for her. Or at least try to. She doubted she'd ever be able to accept being alone the rest of her life. But she knew she wouldn't find someone to take his place in her heart, even if she could find someone to replace him in her life. It would be like the love she felt for Derek, just a shell of what it should be.
As she got closer to her destination, her resolve faltered. What if he didn't answer the door? Then she wouldn't know any more than she did now. What if he did? Could she really face the sight of him with another woman lying in the bed she'd been in only this morning? She felt her palms get damp with sweat as she raised her hand to knock. She quickly wiped them on her pants and before she could change her mind, she knocked. She waited for a couple of minutes and when he didn't answer, she knocked a little louder. Just as she was about to turn and leave, knowing in her heart what kept him from coming to the door, another door down the hallway opened and Dagonet stuck his head out.
"Miss Sarah, I don't think Gawain's come back from the tavern yet." He informed her. 'He must have gone to her room, then.' She thought. She couldn't see the look on her face when she imagined him making love to someone in the rooms behind the tavern. But Dagonet could. He quickly stepped out into the hallway. "Is something the matter?" he questioned her. He noticed how her face had suddenly gone pale and he thought she was going to faint. She jerked her head up at his question. "No, thank you. I was just checking on him like I said I would when my shift ended. If he's still out, he must be feeling alright, so I'll retire and see him later." She didn't know how she got the words out without breaking down, but she did. As quickly as possible she headed toward the courtyard, afraid that if she hesitated, he would see her cry.
When she stepped outside into the cool night air, she leaned against the closed door and took several deep breaths trying to get control of her emotions. 'This just keeps getting worse.' She thought. Then afraid someone else would see her standing alone and dejected outside the knight's quarters, she hurried toward her room where she could hide from everyone. 'But, I can't hide from myself.' She thought bitterly. She heard Gawain laugh and quickly stepped into the shadows of the building. She saw him coming down from the wall and heading toward the door she had just stepped through. She held her breath until he passed by her hiding place. Slowly letting the air escape through her lips, she almost ran trying to get to her room before Dagonet had time to tell him she had been there. 'As if he'd care.' She thought. 'He said he'd come back and escort me. I see he found better things to do.' The bitter thoughts gave her the resolve to make it to her room without letting a single tear fall from her eyes. The bitterness also strengthened her resolve. She would not let him know how it hurt to know she had let herself fall for a man who only wanted to be her friend, unlike all the other wenches that inhabited the fort. 'He didn't even take what I offered so wantonly this morning.' With that thought, the tears began to flow freely. Without taking the time to change into her night shift, she lay across the bed and for the first time since she had left home, she cried deep wracking sobs for the losses she had suffered in the last few months. But mostly for the loss of the true love she longed for so desperately.