I hope I'm not boring any of you with the on again/off again romance of Sarah and Gawain, but it has been my experience that if you THINK about a relationship, it usually messes it up. It's better to just go with it and hope it all works out. Now, on to more important things… hope you all like this chapter which I am dubbing "Finally…" Let me know what you think.
Oh, and I still don't own any of this…
Gawain walked toward his room, his steps lighter since his talk with Tristan. The scout was right. What did he have to lose if he just asked her straight out how she felt about him? He couldn't be any more upset than he was with all this guessing. He opened the door that led into the hallway outside their rooms, expecting to see her standing in front of his door. When she wasn't there, he thought maybe she had gone inside and hurried to his room. He opened the door and stepped into his dark and cold room. Surely if she had come inside, she would have lit the candle on the table by the bed. He waited a moment to let his eyes adjust and not seeing any sign that she was there or had even been there, he went back outside with the intention of going to her room. He wanted to get this over with and whatever her response, he wanted to move forward. If she told him she was not interested, he would do one of two things, either give up and try to forget his feelings or more likely, do everything in his power to change her mind.
He walked out into the courtyard and headed for the tavern. If she wasn't still there, he would go to her room and wake her if necessary. As he walked, he thought back over the events of the day. Remembering how she had kissed him that morning, he knew she felt something for him. She wasn't the kind of woman who would offer her body to just any man who was interested. He realized that even though she had told him she understood, he didn't think she fully did. He had to make her see that by backing away from her, he was showing her that she meant more to him than a woman to bed just for pleasure. He wanted her to know that her happiness and pleasure meant just as much, if not more, than his. If she offered herself again, he would show her how much he loved her. To hell with the man to the north. He would just have to accept that he'd lost her when he let her go and didn't come looking for her. If it took fighting the man for Sarah, then fight he would.
When he arrived at the tavern, he found only a handful of men left drinking and gambling at one of the tables. The only women present didn't include Sarah, so he quickly turned and headed toward the rooms in the building behind the tavern where the wenches stayed when not working. He stopped in front of the door to her room and knocked gently so he wouldn't startle her. He listened for any kind of movement that would let him know she was inside. He thought he heard someone, but he wasn't sure if it came from her room or one of the others up and down the hall. Knocking again, just a little harder, he put his ear closer to the door and listened. The sounds of sobbing coming through the wood made him hesitate, but only for a moment. He reached for the handle and slowly opened the door.
Once the door was open enough, he stuck his head around the opening. He saw Sarah lying on the bed, fully clothed and saw that she was crying. Her sobs were heart breaking and he hurried into the room, crossing the small space between the door and bed with only a couple of strides. "Sarah," he called her name quietly. When she didn't respond, he called again, "Sarah, what troubles you?" He saw her quickly turn over and sit up, wiping her eyes with the heels of her hands as she did so. When she looked up at him, he saw that she had been crying for some time. Her eyes were red and slightly swollen and tears were still streaming down her cheeks. He sat on the bed next to her and reached out and took her in his arms. He could tell she wanted to resist, but in her sadness she just collapsed into his embrace, shoulders shaking with her sobs.
"Sweetheart, what makes you sob so?" he asked in a hushed tone. "Please tell me, so I can make it alright." He felt her shake her head, so he just sat there and held her until she slowly stopped crying so hard. Finally, when the only sound she was making was a slight snubbing noise, he pushed her away so he could look into her eyes. "Has something happened? I've never seen you so upset." Her beautiful green eyes held the shimmer of unshed tears as she shook her head. He gently wiped at her tears with his thumb before he pushed her hair away from her face. "Oh, Sarah, I will do anything to take away your tears. Please tell me what I can do." He softly pleaded with her. She sniffed a couple of times and wiped her eyes on her tunic. "Just hold me." She whispered as she leaned into him. He wrapped his arms around her and held her to his chest, her head just under his chin. Her arms wrapped around his chest, his tunic bunched up in her fists like she was holding on for her very life.
He didn't know how long they sat like they were, but finally, she raised her head and looked up at him. "I'm sorry." Was all she said as she tried to give him a smile. He smiled back at her and put his hand behind her head and pulled it back to rest against his chest. He kissed her head gently, as he would if she had been a child. After a moment, he pushed her back and held her head between his hands and gazed into her eyes. "Sarah, I love you. Please let me erase your tears." He spoke in a whisper and watched her eyes as she realized what he'd just said.
"You… love… me?" she stammered. "Yes, I know I promised not to do or say anything that would make you feel guilty if… when you see your betrothed again, but I can't pretend any longer. The hardest thing I've ever done was push you away and leave you on my bed this morning. I wanted to love you but I didn't want to be the cause of any unhappiness you would feel later, any regret you might have if you decided to stay with this Derek when we get to your village." He became quiet as he saw her eyes change from haunted to the sparkling green he'd noticed the first time he'd looked into them. "Please tell me you understood why I didn't make love to you then. Tell me you feel the same for me." He implored gently.
He saw her close her eyes and lean up to place her trembling lips on his. He only waited for the time it took to release the breath he'd been holding as he waited for her answer. Then he pulled her to him roughly and kissed her. He pushed against her lips with his tongue and felt her lips part, allowing him to explore her mouth. As the kiss became more passionate, he slowly stood up and pulled her up with him. When she wrapped her arms around his neck, he reached and untied the laces to her tunic, breaking the kiss only long enough to pull the tunic over her head. As he looked into her eyes, he ran his hands down her arms and unwound them from his neck. He lifted his head from hers, "Sarah, let me love you tonight. Let me show you what you mean to me."
He saw the love in his heart reflected in her eyes. Then she averted her gaze and he saw the blush on her cheeks. "If you would rather wait, I'll understand. I won't push you until you're ready." Before he could finish what he was saying, she started shaking her head as she reached for the laces on the front of his shirt. He saw her bite her lower lip as she concentrated on her task and once again felt the need to bite her lip like he had when she was tending his wound. Groaning, he moved her hands and pulled his shirt over his head, flinging it into a corner of the room. Then he reached for the ties of her britches and slowly pulled the strings lose, never taking his eyes from hers. He felt the knot come loose and slowly pushed them over her hips, letting them fall to the floor, releasing her gaze to look at her standing naked before him. Her blush of shyness only made her more beautiful in his eyes.
Sarah heard him call her name and froze. Then when he called her again, she jumped up and tried to wipe the tears from her face. She felt the bed move under his weight as he sat down beside her. When he reached for her she didn't pull away, but let him take her into his arms. She held onto him as she would have if she were drowning. Which, in a way, she was and he was the lifeline she had been hoping for. When she had finally cried all she could, she felt him push her away from his embrace and saw the look of concern and something else in his eyes. When he spoke to her of his love, she could have rejoiced so the world would hear, but fear that she was again misunderstanding him made her keep silent as she looked into his eyes. Oh, how she hoped she was hearing him right. He loved her!
When he asked to love her, she leaned up and kissed him the way she had that morning. This time he did not break away, he stood up and took her in his arms, and she felt him untie the laces to her tunic. As he pulled it over her head, any thoughts of embarrassment at standing before him naked from the waist up left when she saw the look in his eyes. When she reached up, fumbling with the tie to his shirt, he pushed her hands away and pulled it over his head almost eagerly. Then when he reached for the ties that held her britches up, she didn't try to stop him but stood proudly with her nakedness before the man she loved with all her being. His look of wanting and appreciation enough to take away the slight blush of embarrassment from her face. When he wrapped his arms around her and lowered his lips to hers, she responded with all the longing she had tried to hide all day. The fear of him bedding anyone else gone from her mind as he let her know how much he loved and wanted her.