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Chapter 4

Harry awoke that next morning with a terrible headache...which he knew was not from the butterbeer the previous night. His scar had been hurting so much lately and he wasn't sure whether it was from pure exhaustion from lack of sleep, or if there was something coming that he should be worried about. He hoped for the latter. He fought an inner battle with himself as to whether or not he should get out of his bed. He wished he could sleep forever...if he could actually get decent sleep. He liked being in the dark and safe under his blankets...away from everyone and their apologies, their questions and their sympathizing glances. Why was it when he actually had to get out of bed he felt he could actually get some rest? Since today was the first day of lessons he decided he should probably make an appearance, though he was truly dreading it. Harry got up and dressed quickly, not caring what he looked like. He knew there would be rumors and questions asked. He knew today would most likely be the hardest day for him. The first day back after all that had happened. Even though he had been around everyone last night, most of them were his closest friends who did not ask anything of him, though he did see a few whispers. Today would be the day he would have to face the whole school. Harry frankly did not give a damn what he looked like. Nothing really mattered anymore. He looked at himself in the mirror and hardly recognized the young man in front of him. Not only had he grown over the summer and filled out a bit, but his hair was longer...and also sticking up everywhere from tossing and turning all night. He just looked tired and worn...like a man, a man who had been through a hard life. He had dark circles under his eyes, and his piercing green eyes, though still vibrant looked as though they had no emotion left in them. "Boy dont I look a bloody mess..." Harry thought to himself. He did not care, and after attempting to tie his tie (he could not accomplish this task this morning for some reason... his fingers did not seem to work) it hung loosely off of his neck. Trembling a bit from nerves, he shuffled down to the Great Hall for breakfast...hoping to avoid eye contact and to not speak to anyone.

XxX

Hermione had a bit of a better morning though she did not get much sleep that night. She was extremely worried about Harry and she kept hearing him tossing and turning all night. Not to mention the fact that today was the first day of lessons...though unlike any other year, she wasn't as concerned with class. For some reason, her heart wasn't in it. What did it matter if she was not to come back? Why should she push herself when it didn't even matter anymore. She wouldn't be here next term anyway...unless she found some way to convince her parents to let her stay, though she had no idea how. Hermione looked outside and wondered if the fact that it was miserably cloudy outside was some sort of foreshadowing of the day to come for her. She quickly dressed and got her school bag together and headed off to breakfast. She hurried out of the common room hoping to catch Harry and Ron at breakfast so they could compare their classes and she quite literally smacked right into Harry who looked quite disheveled. He apparently was not paying attention and had his head down and he ran right into Hermione causing her to drop her bag and all of her books and parchment fell onto the ground.

"Bloody Hell..." he muttered, shaking his head and grimmacing to himself. Harry bent down to help her pick up her things.

"Sorry about that Hermione..." Harry began, not wanting to look her in the eyes. He was embarrassed about last night.

"No, no its alright Harry..." Hermione replied brushing her hair out of her face trying to pick up everything. She too was a little timid to look at him because she could feel the tension in the air...she knew he felt awkward so she tried to lighten it up. Harry looked up at her and she smiled at him. He tried to smile back as he gave her the last piece of parchment. She brushed her hand with his as she took it from him and for some reason it made her hand tingle. Ignoring this, Hermione could tell his smile was a forced smile and it hurt her to look into his eyes and see no emotion whatsoever. He looked very tired...though for some reason she noticed Harry looked a lot different. Maybe he aged because of all the stress...but he actually looked handsome while looking terrible at the same time. She felt guilty for finding him being miserable as attractive but he looked much more mature. Harry could tell by the look of her face that she had noticed he was different...though he didn't know she was thinking he was handsome. He thought she was only noticing the fact that he looked like he hadn't slept in weeks and immediately wished he had tried to comb his hair of tuck in his shirt...

"But why..." he thought. "It's just Hermione..."

Harry felt his cheeks flush and felt ridiculous for it. He didn't feel like giving an explanation as to why he looked a mess so he muttered,

"Well is that everything then?" and nodded at her bag

Hermione merely nodded, not noticing he was blushing... and with that they both walked silently out of the common room and toward the Great Hall.

XxX

As they were walking side by side, Hermione felt Harry tense up a great deal as they walked into the Great Hall together and instantly felt badly for him. Harry thought to himself, "Well, this is it..." and hoped to Merlin Hermione could not hear his heart hammering inside his chest, because he was sure she would be able to...it was ringing in his ears. He felt as if everyone stopped what they were doing to stare at him. Harry trembled a bit and tried to control it...hoping nobody would see. He felt Hermione lightly squeeze his arm and he felt a bit better. Together they walked over to the Gryffindor table.

"Really!" Hermione whispered to Harry as they walked toward the table.

"You would think people would act a bit more..." a little first year gasped and began whispering to the boy beside her as Harry and Hermione walked by their table... "TACTFUL!" she snapped at the first two first years who promptly stopped whispering. Even as nervous and uncomfortable as he felt, he smirked a little at Hermione and the fact that the first years were scared of her.

"I saw that Harry..." Hermione said smiling..she was so relieved and glad to see that smirk too.

Hermione immediately regretted saying anything because Harry's smirk faded, and he looked down and gave a slight nod as they finally got over to the table. Harry felt like it was an eternity. After sitting down he looked around him and noticed that as soon as he looked up, everyone jerked around and pretended to be talking to the people beside them. Rolling his eyes, and sighing Harry picked up a sweet roll and tried to eat it. He felt sick to his stomach and his throat was so dry he was sure he would choke when trying to swallow it.

He gazed at the wall in front of him and Hermione noticed he had seemed to totally close up into himself. She HATED to see him like this, though she continued to look at him...hoping he would turn to her and make a joke, or make fun of Ron for stuffing his face, or do something ordinary.

He could feel Hermione looking at him intently during the whole meal, and when he looked up at her she jumped...he knew she wanted to make sure he was okay but he didn't feel like hearing one of her lectures...though he knew it would be for his own good. He loved how she was always doing the right thing and was right.

"Wait a minute..." he thought to himself, "Since when do I like Hermione's lectures..."

Even so, he didn't feel up to explaining anything to anyone so he tried to intently concentrate on Ron stuffing his face. He laughed to himself as he began thinking...

"I could never let anything happen to them...I won't worry them with what I know I have to do. I don't want them in on it...I know they would be willing to do anything for me and to go with me, but it will be too dangerous... I thought I'd lost them the last time at the ministry because of my own stupidity...Hermione went with me even though she thought I was wrong...she stayed by my side...until she got hurt. I thought Hermione was really dead...and I don't want to be the cause of anyone elses death..." as soon as that thought crossed his mind he felt a stinging in the back of his eyes.

Hermione had been watching him the whole time.

"Harry..." she whispered and touched his shoulder.

He couldn't take it.

"I'll see you lot in class..." he said in a strangled voice. Hermione looked at Ron pleadingly and Ron looked at Harry and went to grab his arm...but it was too late. Harry grabbed his things and stormed out of the Great Hall before anyone could see him cry...causing a sudden murmur among all of the students who had also been watching him intently.

After getting out of there Harry gasped for air...he had just realized he was holding his breath. He leaned his forehead against the cold stone wall and took a few deep breaths to calm himself because he was shaking. The stinging in his eyes and the pit feeling in his stomach lessened though he still felt sick. This was going to be much harder than he thought...and he debated whether or not to go back into bed and lay there for the rest of the day. "I'd rather go sit through Snapes class then dream again..." he thought bitterly to himself. Harry slowly made his way down to the dungeons for potions, and just then realized he had no idea whether or not Ron or Hermione were in there with him...a part of him hoped they were, and another part of him wished he could just sit in the corner alone and not be bothered by anyone...he thought briefly that maybe if he isolated himself from them, they would leave him alone. Then he would know for sure they would be safe because they weren't associated with him...and he didn't care if they hated him...at least they would be okay and he wouldn't be ruining anyone elses life...he knew this would be a hard thing to do and wasn't sure if it was even a good idea. With that, Harry laid his head on the table and waited for the others to arrive.

XxX

Everyone in the Great Hall continued to whisper after Harry had left...a few of the first years had a petrified look on their face. Apparently rumors had begun. Hermione looked at Ron and back at everyone else. She didn't know what to do.

"Should we run after him?" Ron whispered to her also looking around the Great Hall at all their classmates who continued to whisper even more when he caught sight of them...where they talking about him as well...?

"That may make an even bigger scene...don't you think?" Hermione continued to give everyone around her dirty looks as she whispered back. She knew they really were talking about all of them who were at the Ministry. Harry, Ron, Neville, Luna, Herself, Ginny...

Just when Hermione had opened her mouth and was going to stand up, a beautiful redheaded girl stood up with pure anger in her face.

"JUST SHUT UP! ALL OF YOU! SHUT UP! NONE OF YOU KNOW WHAT REALLY HAPPENED! QUIT WITH THE BLOODY RUMORS BECAUSE I AM SURE YOU ARE ALL WRONG! NONE OF YOU HAVE ANY RIGHT TO JUDGE ANY OF US! ESPECIALLY HARRY! HE MAY BE THE VERY ONE THAT CAN SAVE YOU ALL! BUT NO! YOU ARE JUST GOING TO SIT THERE AND WHISPER BULLSHIT TO EACHOTHER! ...STOP!"

Ginny Weasley had just completely caused caused a scene...she hoped it would work...but no. After they had all looked at her stunned...there was even more whispers. Hermione and Ron looked at her as if she were completely mental. This was so unlike Ginny just to stand up and scream like that to the entire school. Even so, they were thankful. Neville was grinning at her from ear to ear and when she looked at him her face blushed a deeper shade of red than her hair and she sat down still fuming. Hermione thought she saw Neville pat her on the back and then go on to give her a hug to calm Ginny's heaving shoulders. Ginny was crying. Hermione stood right up and grabbed Ron by his arm and marched right over to Ginny. She gave her a huge hug and stated a very loud "THANK YOU!" and she looked at everyone around her. She was very proud of Ginny and she could tell Ron was too by the way he looked after he hugged her. He walked away with his chest puffed out. Stiffiling a giggle, Hermione followed him out of the Great Hall for the first lesson of the day...which was potions, she hoped Harry was in there with them so she could report Ginny's doings and hopefully get a smile out of him.

XxX

Harry was dreaming again. First he was in a house and he heard a snake, and then a flash of green and he cried out because he began to feel pain in his scar. Suddenly, he was once again, walking through the grave yard and he came across Cedric Diggory's body. He collapsed beside him and tried to wake him but he was cold and stiff. Then he felt someone grab him and throw him into a tomb stone...and then the pain was so unbearable in his head he thought he was going to vomit. He cried out in pain and began thrashing around in his dream. He saw Voldemorts disgusting fetus like body drop into the cauldron...Harry was begininng to feel dizzy from the pain. He then was suddenly walking through the Ministry and he heard Sirius' voice. He ran to it and got there just in time to see him fall. "NO!" Harry screamed.Then something else happened in his dream that had never occured before. He was in a muggle house and he heard insane laughter and screams of terror. He began to run up the stairs to try and save them...whoever those muggles were..."no more death...please...no more..." he thought to himself. Suddenly there was another bright light and it felt as though someone had taken a metal bat to his head. He screamed in agony as the torturer came upon him..."Harry!" he screamed...though it sounded strangely like a female voice...again he yelled "Harry!" this time it sounded as if two voices were coming out of one mouth...if you could call it a mouth. Then Voldemort went to grab his arm and for some odd reason...began to shake him. Harry let out a yell and reached for his wand to get him off of him.

Harry fell out of his desk sweating and shaking uncontrollably. He jumped up with his wand in his hand and was face to face with two very scared Gryffindors staring at him. The voices he had heard were Hermione and Ron's...and the hands shaking him were Hermiones. Thank Merlin he woke up before he tried to jinx her. They had seen the whole thing, he was jerking and thrashing about...and muttering and moaning. Much like the previous night where Hermione had heard him.

Harry was shaking violently and was panting. He gave Hermione and Ron an apologetic look and he laid his gaze on his classmates behind them. They all looked extremely frightened. Then he heard a drawling voice out of the crowd.

"Potter's a nutter..Did little Potty have a bad dream? Did the big mean Dark Lord take your low life of a godfather's life away again? And again... And again...Look at you Potter you're a basket case...You..."

Before Malfoy could finish his sentence he was on the ground screaming in pain. Ron had full out punched him in the face. Nobody made a sound...except for Malfoy, who said in between screams of pain,

"Who do I sound like screaming like a bitch? That's right...I sound like POTTER! Only I'm not screaming from some stupid nightmare..."

And Harry snapped.

He hadn't felt this much rage since Sirius died. But now he could take all of his pain out on someone. All the pent up anger and depression he felt for all those who had loved him that were now gone. Harry threw his wand on the ground and in less than 2 seconds was on top of Malfoy beating him to a pulp. They began to roll around on the ground.

"You... ASSHOLE! YOU FILTHY GIT! SORRY SON OF A BITCH! I HATE YOU!" Harry screamed at him as he continued to punch him all over...anywhere he could get his fists in. "I HATE YOU! I HATE YOUR FATHER ! I HATE EVERYONE!" Draco flipped Harry onto his back and got in one good punch and Harry's nose immediately began to bleed as he cried out in pain...this fed his addrenaline even more. He flipped Draco over and straddled him as he began to let him have it as hard as he possibly could. Harry didn't even feel the pain in his wrists, fists, or nose anymore...it felt so good to beat something to a bloody pulp. To make someone feel as badly as he did on the inside. He was frightening himself because this was so unlike him to be so violent and to have so much hatred. Harry grabbed Draco's wrist seeing him go for his wand. Harry was twisting it in a frightful way and it looked as if it were about to snap in half. Hermione noticed Harry's eyes had a blazing, fierce look in them... Draco screamed out in agony.

"HARRY NO! STOP!" he heard Hermione shriek. She had never seen Harry like this. She was extremely frightened and began to cry. Dean was holding Ron back from going in there to help Harry...this was Harry's fight.

"THAT IS ENOUGH!" Harry heard the voice of Dumbledore and immediately jumped off of Draco. He could not look at anyone and chest heaving, he ran from the room pushing everyone out of his way as he went...not that there were that many. Many people jumped out of his way, everyone was frightened. Usually Harry was calm, kind, and quiet. Snape had rushed into the room just as Harry was running out...Harry even shoved Snape...and the look on his face was priceless. Hermione and Ron ran after him but only Hermione made it out. By the time Ron came by Snape had regained his composure after being shoved by Harry Potter...a student... and he grabbed Ron by the shoulder and pushed him back into the classroom. Hermione hardly noticed because she had one thing on her mind...get to Harry.

XxX

Harry heard his footsteps echo throughout the castle and heard is staggered breaths as he ran through to get outside. He had to get out...He burst through the door and he ran toward the lake. As soon as he collapsed on the ground to his knees he heard thunder and then came the pouring rain. Thankful for it, Harry raised his face to the sky to rinse off some of the blood, and tried to breathe.

Hermione was frantically running after him. She felt like her chest was going to explode...she couldn't breathe very well because she was crying, and Harry was just too fast.

"Should I really be running to him...he said he hated EVERYONE," she thought to herself. She was scared of how he would react. "Maybe he didn't mean what he said when he claimed he hated everyone. He was just angry...hopefully he's calmed down..."

"This is Harry..." she argued. "My best friend. He would never hurt me...physically at least..." She knew it would kill her if he shunned her away again. She had made up her mind as she got to the door. She had to be there for him...no matter how hard it would be. He needs someone.

As she walked out she realized it was pouring down rain and found it hard to see. Hermione looked everywhere for Harry...and then she saw him kneeling beside the lake with his face up to the sky. Hermione slowly walked over to him...she shivered. It was freezing...but there was something about the way Harry looked with his face to the sky, soaked from the rain. Droplets were dripping down his chin and his hair was matted to his forhead. With each sharp breath he took she could see his breath when he exhaled because it was so cold. Harry lowered his face into his hands, and then ran both his hands through his hair...which made it stick up again. Hermione smiled slightly and continued to walk toward him.

"H-Harry..." she barely whispered.

He whirled around to face her and immediately felt badly about her coming out here to find him. She was soaking wet and shivering but for some reason he thought she looked beautiful."Maybe because my emotions are on high right now...or I am just thankful to see someone who cares enough to come after me..." he thought. He could tell she had been crying and she was cold... and he wanted to go and put his arm around her to warm her...but he didn't want to do anything to bring anyone closer to him. In his mind, the second he got close to someone and cared for them, something happens to them and they are gone from him...he ruins the life of everyone he comes in contact with. He did NOT want this to happen to Hermione...he had to push her away.

"Just go Hermione..." Harry began

It was Hermione's turn to be angry.

"NO! I'M NOT! I AM WORRIED ABOUT YOU HARRY! I CARE FOR YOU! I WANT TO BE THERE FOR YOU! YOU'RE MY BEST FRIEND! IT HURTS ME SO BADLY TO SEE YOU SO MISERABLE! WHEN I LOOK AT YOU, YOUR EYES! YOUR BEAUTIFUL EYES ARE DEAD! THERE IS NO EMOTION LEFT! YOU ARE SHUT DOWN! YOU CONSTANTLY LOOK TIRED! WHAT ARE YOU HIDING? I KNOW YOU'RE KEEPING SOMETHING FROM ME...FROM RON...FROM EVERYONE! QUIT BEING SO DAMNED SELFISH AND LET US HELP! WHY WON'T YOU SHARE THE BURDEN WITH PEOPLE WHO WANT TO HELP YOU!"

Hermione slapped him. Hard. Across his face her chest heaving...eyes glaring. She was so angry with him she could spit nails.

Harry had stood up and got right in her face...he looked extremely angry. She immediately wished she hadn't of slapped him but she wanted some kind of emotion from him and she couldn't contain herself. They continued to glare at eachother for what seemed like hours.

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