Hi! I'm SO sorry this chapter took so long to get out! I have an excuse (please don't shoot me) I was waiting for people to send suggestions of girls. Thanks, zan189, I would have totally used your suggestion, but I don't know enough about Laura Croft to do her justice. (I've never seen the movies and my video game system is a super nintendo, which I play on a TV with dials. Oh so technilogically advanced!) I will, however, have Padme in there. Just don't hold your breath, it could take a while at the rate I'm going. For a story that's supposed to be about Ginny and Tom, I certainly have a lot about Harry, Ron, and Hermione. Sigh... Just warning you this chapter is rather odd, but my beta said it was funny. Oh yeah I've passed the one hundred fifty hits mark! Yay for me! Till next chapter, sayonara.
Chapter Nine
Certain Dry-Roasted Doom
The studio was filled with cheesy music as the host skipped in to thunderous applause. The host grinned, momentarily blinding the audience with shininess.
He winked cheerily and announced, "Hey! I'm Tiberius Claudius Drusus Nero Germanicus, Emperor of Rome, and this is DATELINE, the show where we take poor, pathetic single people and turn them into hot, hip dating people!"
Tiberius Claudius Drusus Nero Germanicus skipped over to the other side of the stage to were a nervous sixteen year old was sitting on a stool. The young man kept pushing his glasses up the bridge of his nose and trying to flatten his hair.
Tiberius Claudius Drusus Nero Germanicus skipped, tripped on the edge of his toga, and landed flat on his face. He tried to pass it off like there wasn't a whole studio audience that had seen that and fished the mike out of his robe. The host bounced over to the spazzy teen.
Twirling to face the audience, Tiberius Claudius Drusus Nero Germanicus shouted, "Let's meet today's Eligible Bachelor! Here he is…Mr. Harry Potter!"
The crowd went wild. Half started throwing themselves at the Crazy Fan-girl Barrier (patent pending) and the other half screamed shrilly and fainted. Harry tried to curl into the fetal position, but merely succeeded in falling off his chair.
Tiberius Claudius Drusus Nero Germanicus lifted his hand; the room went silent. His grin was not unlike the Cheshire Cat's as he yelled, "Now for our Lucky Bachelorettes!"
The crowd muttered confusedly (that's a fun word) as, out of nowhere, three women on stools appeared. Between the Eligible Bachelor and the Lucky Bachelorettes, was a giant cardboard partition painted with immense pink and red hearts (following the motif of the studio).
Harry's eye had begun to twitch by this time. Tiberius Claudius Drusus Nero Germanicus slapped him on the back and said, "Now let's let our Eligible Bachelor get to know the Lucky Bachelorettes.
"Err…heh…um…Bachelorette Number One, if I was about to be killed by…err…unnatural circumstances, what would you do?" Harry squeaked out.
"Umm, like, I would send you dreams of us making out!" Bachelorette Number One giggled.
"Number Two, same question." Harry rasped, pulling on his collar.
"I don't know. I suppose I would passionately kiss whoever was threatening you." Bachelorette Number Two said shyly.
"OOOOOK? Same question Number Three." Harry began to pull his composure back together.
"I'd kick your butt." Bachelorette Number Three said bad-girlishly.
Harry tried to quietly scooch his chair away from Number Three's voice.
"Do you have any special powers or skills, Number One?" Harry couldn't think of anything better to ask.
"Like, umm, aside from the dream thing? I have this really cool sword and stuff, and I always get my way!" Bachelorette Number One clapped and giggled again.
"Err…right. Same question Number Two."
"Well, I can sing amazingly." Number Two said humbly.
"Uh huh. And you Number Three?" Harry raised his eyebrow and smoked on his pipe thoughtfully.
"I have Madd Skillz. I have superb balance, can crack a whip like nobody's business, and can fit into tight leather suits." Number Three made a noise that was a cross between a growl, a laugh, and a purr.
"WAH-WAH-WATCHOO!" Harry sneezed explosively, "Excuse me. Tobacco smoke you know. Anyway, Bachelorette Number One, do you have any hobbies?"
"I, like, like to be the center of attention movies, even when my, like, character person thingy isn't supposed to be in, like, the movie!" , said Number One cheerily.
"And you, Number Two? That rhymed! I'm so cool!" Harry beamed, and the audience swooned.
"I enjoy making love triangles and getting abducted by insane masked murderers." Number Two stated matter-of-factly.
"Well, I'm not insane, masked, or a murderer; but I could try abducting you." Harry said noncommittally, "What are your hobbies Number Three?"
"Kicking butt."
"Ummmmmm…Right. So how long is this show?" Harry asked a camera man.
Camera Man shrugged and said, "Why don't you ask the host."
"Hmm. Good idea, Camera Man." Harry threw a peanut and yelled at Tiberius Claudius Drusus Nero Germanicus, "Hey! When does this show end?"
"Geez, can't a person design an aqueduct in peace?" Tiberius Claudius Drusus Nero Germanicus muttered to himself, "In ten minutes!" He shouted in reply to Harry's question.
"I guess I'll just go ahead and pick a Lucky Bachelorette." Harry pondered his decision.
He closed his eyes, got into the lotus position, and thought. And thought and thought and thought and though and thought and thought and thought and…thought some more. The short attention span of the audience had run out long ago, and a good third had wandered out. Batchelorette Number One was fixing her make-up, Number Two was humming show tunes, and Number Three was curled up asleep (quite a feat when you're on a stool). Tiberius Claudius Drusus Nero Germanicus had gone back to designing his aqueduct.
Eventually, Camera Man got bored and started throwing peanuts (where do they keep getting these peanuts?) at Harry, who had apparently fallen asleep. This was apparent because he was drooling. Harry finally woke up when a peanut landed in his mouth and he inhaled it. His eyes snapped open and he hacked and choked. Thankfully Camera Man knew the Heimlich maneuver, and was able to save Harry from certain dry-roasted doom. The peanut shot out of Harry's mouth and landed in the crowd, which caused the biggest cat-fight in history over who would get it.
"Ok, for my date to Prom, I'm gonna choose…BACHELORETTE NUMBER ONE! 'Cause, umm, Number Two sounds kinda psycho and Number Three is scary."
"Let's see who you've won!" Tiberius Claudius Drusus Nero Germanicus shouted and spin-kicked the garishly painted cardboard partition.
Unfortunately for him, it's hard to spin-kick in a toga, and all he succeeded in doing was falling down. This was not a problem for Batchelorette Number One. She rammed the wall (which fell right on Tiberius Claudius Drusus Nero Germanicus) and hopped into Harry's arms. Her being a good six inches taller than he, this wasn't very comfortable for Harry.
Tiberius Claudius Drusus Nero Germanicus, from under the sheet of cardboard, yelled, "Yes, you've won Arwen Undomiel! ACH, my ribs! Hu Hu weeeeze. The huuuh other Lucky Batchelorettes huuaaa were Christine Daae and uuuuf Catwoman!"
As a previously unnoticed chandelier swooped down and crashed into the seats, a masked man dressed all in black grabbed Christine and tried to escape with her. Before he could exit the building, however, hordes of screaming phans tackled him, hog tied him, and ran away with the mysterious man.
Harry watched this, quite bemused, and heard him exclaim ere he was drug out of sight, "Well that didn't work."
Then the studio spontaneously exploded.
Not really. Harry and Arwen left to go eat steak, and then went back to Hogwarts, where Ginny was plotting, Ron was sleeping, and Hermione was most likely doing something boring.
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Another end note here: If you can't tell I'm not a big fan of the movie version of Arwen. She annoys me, but she is fun to make fun of. If you like her I'm sorry, but I'll probably be making her do stupid stuff alot. Also, Tiberius Claudius Drusus Nero Germanicus was a real historical Emperor of Rome. Anyone here read I, Claudius? Well see y'all later!