Disclainer: ok, I don't own any JRRTolkein characters or any of the works of JKRowling. I'd love to own Voldemort tohugh, or rather, he own me giggle on we go!
Authors Notes: this a mindless comedy fic and it takes the mic out of everything, and the main character is Voldemort. Why? Because I have a soft spot for Voldemort, mostly because of the actor who played him in GoF (Ralph Fiennes)
Lord Voldemort was pacing around his chambers in the old Riddle House, plotting. Thechamber was covered in dust, and that was how Voldemort liked it. He felt it gave a dark atmosphere to his room, and he liked dark, what with being the Dark Lord and all. Being a Dark Lord was about, well, darkishness. The only difficulty was that the dust had a habit of clogging his open nostrils sending him hurtling to the floor in a choking fit while the dust collected around his face making him look like a very freaky anorexic Father Christmas with a bloodshot eye problem-
Voldemort: You! Author! You're supposed to be writing about my ingenious dastardly evil plans! NOT The dust problem! Don't make me crucio you!
Sorry Voldie, I just had to slip it in somewhere, couldn't resist! Well back to the story important cough Well, after the dust incident, which happened-
Voldemort: It was an isolated incident!
-three times, and one time Wormtail jumping naked out of the bath to come to your aid-
Voldiemort: MUGGLE-GIRL! I'm warning you!
OK OK! I'll stop! ahem Voldemort finally came up with his ingenious plan. He would find the means to open a portal that would lead him to another dimension, a dimension that contained a power so strong, if he, Voldemort claimed it, he would be unstoppable!
(Three unstoppable weeks later)
Voldemort: WORMTAIL! Do you have the book?
Wormtail Y-Yes m'Lord! And it has the enchantment and ritual in it too, I checked-
Voldemort: good, good! Bring it before me! And while you're at it bring some Nachos and salsa dip, Evil plotting can have effects on my evil stomach!
Wormtail: Yes your Hungryness sir! ((waddles in with wanted items))
Voldemort: gobbling nachos hmm! interesting. yessss, yesss! I see it now.. ((is reading a page entitled 'the Way to Middle Earth' But the author suspects he was reading the page opposite secretely ('Grow It Large'))
Wormtail: sir? How exactly do we get to the middle of the Earth?
Voldemort: Oh, it's to complicated for that little faeces filled rat-brain of yours Wormtail, but we will need a lopsided pentagram, 10 black candles, one large ant-eater and a budding writer with an open mind and some more salsa dip. Then, I will unleash my evilness upon Middle Earth and take their greatest power! ((sits back in his chair looking sinister (Well as sinister as anyone can look with salsa dip smudged around their mouth and nacho crumbs all over their robes and dust settling on their head making it look like some unusual fungus had began growing out of the skull))
(Meawhile, it was Tuesday morning and Hogwarts castle sat sleepily on the...mound of earth it has always sat on since the four loonies built it there)
Voldemort: mound of earth? What type of descriptive writing is that?
Quiet! I'm writing this, not you, STOP INURRUPTING! ahem on we go….
"OUCH"
Harry Potter, The-Boy-Who-Lived, woke up with a start. His friend Ron (The-Boy-With-The-Mullet-Hair) was beside him in a flash
Ron: what is it Harry? Is it your scar?
Harry: No…I stubbed my toe on the bedpost…
Ron: Oh…
Harry: Ron, do you have…dreams?
Ron: dreams?...Well yes, but not as serious as yours I don't think with You-Know-Who and all
Harry: I had one last night…it felt so real I was sure it was real…like a memory of something long past…
Ron moved closer to Harry's bed, concern showing in his eyes
Ron: Harry, whatever it is you can tell me. We're best mates right? What was your dream?
Harry looked up at one, his green eyes sparkling
Harry: you sure you want to know? Really know?
Ron nodded his head slowly
Harry: Ok…. Well I was in the middle of a field with pink grass and this giant mutated ball of mash potato started chasing me yelling something like "I WANT THE CUSTARD! GIMME ALL YOUR CUSTARD!" and as I ran I fell down a hole and ended up in a bowl of nacho salsa dip
Ron: … what the- salsa dip?
Harry: ((eyes all misty)) yes…dip…
Ron: o0
(Meanwhile, in the Riddle House, Voldemort was performing a summoning spell)
Voldemort: yess….looks at swirling purple portal I will have this young writer…
((summons))
((nobody appears))
((Voldemort summons again))
((nobody appears))
((Voldemort summons again, more dramatically))
((Nobody appears))
((Voldemort whines, jumps up and down, crucios a few Death Eaters for breathing too loudly, jumps up and down again, screams obscenities, breaks his dead fathers bed and has a tantrum before sitting on a chair and sulking. And then having another tantrum as the chair he sat on was made of straw, meaning Voldie went straight through it and ended up rather comically with his arms, legs and arse in the air with his robes over his head looking very much like a skinned petrified cat))
((an hour later))
((Wormtail: approaching cautiously)) mm, Master?
Voldemort: Yesss Igor… I mean Ratarse , I mean Wormtail.
Wormtail: would, this, help sir? ((holds up a can of Red Bull))
((Voldemort looks up, looks at the can and a grin spreads over his face. The same grin you'd see on a starved dog that finds itself faced with a giant juicy pork chop))
Voldemort: YES! This is it! Oh I'm such a genius to think of this! Aren't I? Wormtail?
Wormtail: ((sigh)) Yes sir….
Voldemort silently places the can of Red Bull into the middle of the lopsided pentagram and casts the spell. Seconds later a hand pops out of the pentagram, grabs the can and a young girl jumps out of the portal into Voldemort's room.
Vailen: EH? What the- how the hell did I get here?
Voldemort: you, little muggle, are in the presence of the Dark Lord himself, Lord-
Vailen: VOLDIE! ((runs up to Voldemort and jumps on him, the force sending them both crashing to the floor, Vailen at on Voldemort in a sort of Tigger/Winnie the Pooh way))
Voldie: WHAT IN THE HELLS? WORMTAIL! LUCIUS! GET HER OFF ME!
After much wrestling between Dark Lord, Wormtail, and seven Death Eaters, Vailen found herself bound with liquorice lace and stuck in a cage
Voldemort: Of all the writers I could have summoned and I ended up summoning an insane fangirl! Typical
Vailen: OI! ((rattles cages)) what exactly do you want with me your evilness?
Voldemort: I'm after…a ring…
Vailen: err, sorry, no can do. But try Harrods, they have a positively lovely selection in there-
Voldemort: Not just any old ring you silly girl! The one ring! From this place called Middle Earth…
Lucious: with you, we will find out how to reach the Middle of the Earth!
Bellatrix: and The almighty dark Lord will become invincible…
Voldemort: and I'd be able to become invisible and steal all the salsa dip from the sauce factory. MWAHAHAHAHAAA!
Vailen:...OO
There was the first chap, not the best, but it get's better, believe me! Please Review! for every reviewer you will recieve a free Voldemort plushie! It's eyes glow in the dark and it squeals "avada Kedavra" when you press it's stomach! awwww...
Voldemort:..WHAAAT? I NEVER AUTHORISED THIS?
Well Voldie it will make you seem more likeable and loveable see-
Voldie: I AM NOT LOVABLE DAMMIT! i'M THE ESSENCE OF EVIL! OHI hateyouhateyouhateyouhateyou-tantrumises
heh..reviews apreciated!