The Diltrix
Ch.1The First Chapter
Pointless Disclaimer: I do not own The Matrix or any Dilbert Cartoons. I stole them. Digitally, of course. Do I seem dumb enough to go to all the trouble of physically taking something when I can just hack it off of the web. Consider that possibility with your pet monkey that you stole. Digitally, of course.
Warning,if this seems annoying, don't read any more of my comedic stuff. I wrote this mainly to entertain myself.
Trinity took a look at the messily scrawled e-mail address. Morpheus had the worst handwriting in the world. He had given her the e-mail address and told her to find this person, claiming that this person was the one. The problem was that after Morpheus wrote the address down he ate a salami sandwich and mysteriously got amnesia. Morpheus also couldn't read his own handwriting. Between herself and Morpheus they had made out four possible addresses: randompersonnotinthisstory.fish, and finally Trinity was split between the first two while Morpheus insisted it was the last one. "I hope we get the real one," sighed Trinity as she clicked the send button. "Now I'll have to go to the place were they play the annoying techno," said Trinity.
"Why are you going to Abercrombie and Fitch?"
"Nonot there, the other place."
"You mean heck?"
"No! You know what I mean."
"No Trinity, I really don't. They play annoying techno in heck?"
"Urrrrrrrrgh!"
And with that Trinity left the room.
Mr.Anderson, I mean Neo, took one last look at the message on his computer screen.
Follow the white rabbit (At the place were they play the annoying techno, not Abercrombie and Fitch, the other place, not heck, you know what I mean! Urrgh!).
"What kind of moron would use a stupid nickname like that? I mean, at least Neo is a cool, mysterious, spiffy sounding name. He he, spiffy, I like that word." said Neo, I mean Mr., no wait, yeah, Neo is the right name, yeah, in his deep, scratchy, intended to be sexy sounding, voice. "Guess I'll have to go to that nightclub were they play that annoying techno (the opinions of Neo are not necessarily representative of the authors opinions) music. It's worse than Abercrombie and Fitch. I hate that store. (I have to agree with Neo on this one)." As Mr. Neo got out of his chair he had a sudden thought. Rabbit, isn't that supposed to the Playboy symbol or something? Maybe I could get lucky and (obscene thoughts deleted, if your that perverted, you can use your imagination)." With that Anderson randomly blacked out. Five minuets later Neo got up and ate a salami sandwich. Guess what happened next.
Billy woke the next morning wondering about the strange e-mail he had received. He wondered so much about it that he developed schizophrenia, spent the rest of his life constantly looking in places that played annoying techno, and finally died a broken shell of the man he once was in a mental institution because of his weird obsession (idée fixee). He should have eaten the salami sandwich.
Dilbert, on the other hand, fared a little better. He did die, but at least he died in a place were they serve decent food. I mean come on; it's no wonder it took me six years to "recover". The food there is crap! The pills don't help either. He woke up that morning, drove to his pointless job, and sat in his cubicle. This is when he made the worst decision of his life. He started giving himself a sponge bath in his cubicle. This, of course, was prohibited in his office place. Fortunately for Dilbert, though, was the fact that the cubicle police were busy trying take a plastic plant (forbidden property, of course) from a rebellious employee who had a large collection of fountain pens with convenient firing sights just in case the owner needed to start an office rebellion. The situation was worsened by the fact that Asok was leading a large force of downtrodden interns and secretaries that was evading the cubicle police and picking off random managers that got in their way. This caused a severe weakening in the power of the evil capitalist company CEOs. Even though the rebellion was crushed, a second rebellion came about during the following October were the might of the people dethroned the evil CEOs. In the aftermath the once downtrodden employees set up a glorious socialist company, named it the Social Union, and declared Asok their leader. Asok eventually became oppressive, paranoid, and cruel. He killed a whole bunch of people. Then the Reagan Corporation drove the Social Union into bankruptcy and bought the company.
Dilbert never had to deal with this slight change in management. This was because as soon as he finished his sponge bath he received a call on his cell phone. "Hello, Mr. Anderson. I mean Neo. Yes, I know your name," said a dark, mysterious voice.
" My name isn't……"
" Your not supposed to say that line until, like, the end of the firkin(according to Microsoft Word, this is an actual word) movie! Besides, The line goes more like 'It's Neo' I mean, gosh, even the guy that played Anakin Skywalker can act better than you. Gees!"
"Are you trying to sell me something, because you know I'm not going to buy any,"
"Actually you'd be surprised at the number of people that, gaaaaaaaa! I mean, they are coming to get you."
"Who is they?"
"Did you take a sponge bath in your cubicle?"
At this point Dilbert took a look around his cubicle. Aside from the cubicle police cameras and the one that belonged to the manager who practiced "Management by Stalking Around" there were no other cameras.
"Yea verily," Dilbert replied
"They is the cubicle police, yo,"
Now we have to stop the story for a short word from are sponsors. Review before you eat that salami sandwich! Noooooooooooooooo!