So, apparently I got such overwhelming reviews (although to the person who shot out the half-eaten gummi bear, I hope you're all right)… so I decided, why not? Starting now, this goes from a one-shot to a SERIES of one-shots all centered around Soul Society and their visits to the therapist. Just remember…you guys asked for it, so I cannot be blamed for what strange insanity may occur.
There will be a different character for each chapter, and the lucky person today is… Zaraki Kenpachi! Feel his pain.
I DO own Bleach, but unfortunately, unless they rename the anime/manga Clorox, I don't own THAT Bleach. Again, the only person I own is Chiyuu. I may have to try and do fanart of her and her victims…although I can't draw. Anyway, onwards!
"Ah, hello!" The door slid open and the black-haired shinigami gazed up at the tall, gristly man hulking in front of her office. "You must be the 11th Captain, Zaraki Kenpachi-kun, right?"
Twitch. Twitch twitch. Kenpachi was far more used to bloody battles and disemboweled opponents; fighting and killing were his joys, and he didn't think someone like sweet-faced, happily smiling Soujuku Chiyuu would understand that. So why was he even here? How could such a tiny little girl help him control his "problem"?
Quite frankly, he didn't consider it a problem at all. Sure, he had almost beheaded Yumichika for getting in his way when he was heading for a meeting, but surely that was acceptable! It wasn't as if he had actually gone through with it. And how dare those idiots in the 4th Division ask him to kindly stop maiming those who bothered him or tried to fight him? With Kurosaki Ichigo having returned to his own world, he was quite bored with daily procedures. He wanted a good fight and he couldn't find one. For the oddest reason, everyone seemed to be avoiding him (except for Yachiru, but he never intended to fight her in the first place).
"You like fighting, don't you?" The little girl kept talking merrily, unaware that he hadn't even been listening to her prattle. "Which is why they sent you to me. Please come in."
"There's nothing wrong with fighting," he told her, slowly stepping inside and taking a seat in the chair in front of her desk.
"Maybe not, but one generally does it when one had something to fight about," she commented, sinking into her own chair and contemplating her hulking patient with curious brown eyes. "Zaraki Kenpachi, captain of the 11th Division, known for his bloodlust and his merciless techniques in battle. You fought Kurosaki Ichigo, didn't you? Did it make you happy?"
He grunted an affirmation, not expecting her to understand how exhilarated he had felt when he had crossed blades with the orange-haired ryoka. It had been sheer bliss, fueled by adrenaline and the deep, ringing knowledge that he had found an opponent who could give him a challenge.
Chiyuu rocked back and forth in her chair for a few moments, then smiled. "I bet it was exciting, huh? I mean… I know you're always looking for stronger people, someone you can go all-out against and know that you may not win. That's understandable enough. Plus, even with the sacrifices of blood and pain, the thrill of the fight is the most fun!"
If he hadn't been notorious as the hard-hearted, blood-spilling captain of the strongest division in the Gotei 13, Kenpachi would have let his astonishment show on his face. Here was someone with the personality of a ten-year-old girl who most likely loved cute, fluffy, and shiny things and who had probably never stabbed so much as a toothpick into any other living being and brushed her teeth every night and probably slept with a horridly adorable stuffed animal… and said female had just calmly pinpointed all of the reasons why he liked doing what he did, as if she knew how he felt… like she had experienced it first-hand.
"Or so I imagine that's what it might be like for you," the therapist said hesitantly as the silence continued far past the first stage of awkwardness and plummeted into If-Someone-Doesn't-Speak-Soon-I'm-Gonna-Scream-And-Break-Something. "Am I wrong, Kenpachi-kun?"
"No," he admitted, eyeing her as if she were about to leap out of her seat and start tap-dancing on her desk with Kuchiki Byakuya (who wasn't even in the room and, in fact, was taking an afternoon nap). "But how do you even know what you're talking about, woman?"
Chiyuu shrugged. "I'm a therapist. I'm supposed to be uncannily accurate on things like that." She turned business-like in the next instant. "Now… this assignment that I'm giving to you will be extremely difficult for you, but you can't give up once you've accepted it. I'm warning you now… you still have time to turn back."
Kenpachi glared at her. "Tch! Like hell I'm gonna turn back from a wimp-ass assignment! Give me your worse, woman."
She rifled through a drawer, drew out a sheaf of paper, and glanced down at it. "All right… just remember, you voluntarily agreed to it. For the next week, in order to curb your bloodlust, you have to…"
"What?" Kenpachi demanded, irritated by her hesitation. He could handle anything she threw at him, he was sure.
"Read a bedtime story to your entire 11th Division, carry around Rukia-chan's stuffed bunny rabbit around with you everywhere and return it in peak condition, help the 4th Division clean the sewers, sleep with your zanpakutou to form a better bond with it, meditate, compliment others, and avoid all threats and conflicts that could lead to blood being shed on either end."
Instant silence met her instructions, and Chiyuu comfortably settled back in her chair to wait for it to sink in.
She didn't have to wait long.
"Are you fucking CRAZY? There's no way I'm hauling that stupid excuse for a washrag around for a week!"
"It'll get easier by the second day," she reassured him. "Especially during story time."
"Like hell. I'm not doing any of that shit!"
"Oh?" Chiyuu raised an eyebrow, smiling serenely as if she didn't have a murderous captain on the verge of ripping her apart sitting right in front of her. "So you would admit defeat to a little girl? How's that going to look on your record? If Ichigo-san ever hears that his toughest opponent lost to someone like me, don't you think he'll laugh his head off and lose all respect for you? No one will ever take you seriously again. If you follow through with your tasks, it shows that you're committed to being a better person and after this week, you're free. You'll never have to worry about being hauled back here again, I guarantee it."
Kenpachi suppressed the urge to strangle her--just barely. "And just how do you know all that?"
"I just do." The shoulders rose and fell once more. "And, if you've still got a very strong urge to kill when you wake up in the morning, feel free to separate my head from my neck. It'll be my form of an apology."
"I'll take you up on that," the man growled, rising and stalking out of the office like an affronted feline, jingling all the way.
"Ah, wait!" Chiyuu cried after him, waving a stuffed bunny in the air like a pennant. "You forgot to take Chappy with you!"
This week was gonna suck. He just knew it.
---Day 1 of 7---
"AndsoRapunzelwasrescuedbytheprinceandtheylivedhappilyeverafterinaprettycastlewithlotsoflittlebratstheend."
The entire 11th Division, composed mainly of a lot of tough-talking, violent men and one pink-haired little girl, stared silently at Kenpachi as he slammed the gold-embossed book closed with a sound like a clap of thunder.
"Captain…?" Madarame Ikkaku ventured tentatively, wondering if this was all some big joke or if Zaraki Kenpachi had really just called his whole Division just to read them a fairytale. "Are you… feeling all right?"
Kenpachi's grip tightened on the white, smiling stuffed animal that he clutched. "Do you have a problem with my story-telling, Ikkaku?"
"U-uh, no!" The 3rd seat assured him, glancing about for help.
"T-the love story was so pure!" Aramaki Makizou hurriedly added. "I cried!"
The looks of surprise turned to looks of absolutely disgust and he quailed under their glares. "What? What'd I say?"
"Well, I thought it was beautiful," Ayasegawa Yumichika spoke up. "It's always nice to hear a story that is bereft of ugliness! It was quite inspiring! Perhaps I, too, shall grow my hair long to throw it out a window and watch it gleam in the sunshine!"
Everyone in the Division had gone mad, Ikkaku reasoned. That had to be it.
Kenpachi sighed. "Go to bed. The story's done." And he thanked every god he knew for that small favor.
The men exchanged glances. "Umm… Captain, we're all grown men here… well, except for the Vice-captain, but--"
"Hey!" Yachiru objected. "Shut up! That was a weird story, anyway! Who'd wanna have someone climb up their hair? It sounds painful!"
"Go. To. BED," Kenpachi said politely, as a vein on his forehead throbbed menacingly.
They went, although Yachiru still complained about the story and how it was "just too weird, even for Ken-chan!"
"Can we read the one about the mermaid tomorrow?" Aramaki asked hopefully as he left.
The glare he received sufficed as the perfect answer.
---Day 2 of 7---
"T-thank you so much for helping us, Captain Zaraki!" Hanatarou told him, handing him a broom. "The sewers get so dirty sometimes, and we can never get enough people to help us clean them…"
Kenpachi said nothing, just wished that this week would hurry up and finish before he was assigned to give wounded shinigami in the infirmary sponge baths or something.
"Err…" Hanatarou paused, searching for a tactful way to bring up the subject. "D-did you want me to take your rabbit for you so it doesn't get d-dirty?"
"No."
Two minutes later,Chappy accidentally fell into the grimy water and was swept away, with Kenpachi frantically chasing after it.
At least Hanatarou was nice enough to help him clean it afterwards (although he stammered whenever the captain looked at him).
Well, at least the rabbit smelled like Ocean Breeze now.
---Day 3 of 7---
"Captain, there's a document that requires your--" Ikkaku stopped when he saw Kenpachi asleep in his futon, clutching his sword and the bunny to his chest and looking particularly homicidal, even when in repose.
"… Never mind."
"Maybe we should send him to the therapist," Yumichika suggested, peering over his friend's shoulder. "That kind of behavior can't be natural."
---Day 4 of 7---
"… Oi, Captain Zaraki, what are you doing with Rukia's stuffed rabbit?"
"… I like bunnies." Twitch.
"…" Stifled laughter. Snort.
"Keep walking, Abarai."
---Day 5 of 7---
Breathe in. Breathe out. Inhale. Exhale. The whole meditation process wasn't so bad. At least no one was bothering him.
"Heeey, Ken-chan, what're you doing? Can I do it too?"
Breathe in.
"Ken-chaaaan?" Poke.
Breathe out.
"KEN-CHAN!"
In-- He opened his eyes. "Later, Yachiru. Go chew on Ikkaku's head or something."
"But I'm not hungry!"
"…"
"Please?"
Kenpachi sighed. "Fine. Come here and sit like I'm sitting and inhale…"
---Day 6 of 7---
"Oh, what a cute bunny!" Hinamori Momo shyly gazed at the rabbit that Kenpachi still held, smiling into its vacant button eyes. "I didn't know you liked bunnies, Captain Zaraki."
No spilling blood, no spilling blood… With great effort, Kenpachi forced his grimace into a smile, but that only served to make him look as if he were about to devour the petite shinigami.
"Aren't you… cute." He patted her on the head, and both were equally horrified at the action. He tried to widen his smile. Hinamori gave a squeak, excused herself, and sped away.
So much for compliments. He'd told Yumichika that his eyebrow decorations were looking especially bright that morning, and the vain bastard had been preening like a peacock ever since.
Compliments were vastly overrated.
---Day 7 of 7---
"What the hell did you do to Hinamori?" Hitsugaya Toushirou demanded, cornering Kenpachi on his way back to his office to read his Division the story of Cinderella (it had become a sort of habit now).
The man looked down at the prodigy, who was giving him his best intimidating glare--and wasn't impressed. "Nothing. Don't worry your shrimpy little head about it."
Hitsugaya's eyes narrowed. "She came running down the hallway, screaming about how terrifying you were."
He didn't think his smile had been that predatory. "Calm down, Hitsugaya. She just… misunderstood."
"If you hurt Hinamori, I'll--"
"You'll what?" He demanded, automatically reaching for his sword before he remembered that he wasn't allowed to kill anyone.
"I'll…" Hitsugaya seemed to have remembered something as well, and didn't look too happy about it. "I'll make you apologize."
"Hmph. Get some balls, kid." He turned and walked away, leaving a fuming captain in his wake.
---Redemption!---
"There," Kenpachi told the therapist with savage satisfaction, dangling the bunny by its ears. "Everyone's still alive! Are you happy now?"
"Did you have fun?" Chiyuu asked cheerfully.
"Fun? Yeah, I had fun. My entire Division thinks I'm the biggest pansy in Soul Society and they all insist on story time now! The 4th Division brats WAVE to me when they pass, Hitsugaya wants to kill me for complimenting Hinamori, and all of Soul Society keeps giving me BUNNY CRAP." He drew his sword. "Girl, give me one good reason why I shouldn't kill you now."
She didn't seem perturbed in the slightest. "Did you have the urge to actually kill anyone during that week?"
Kenpachi frowned. "What the hell are you talking about?"
"DID you?" Chiyuu persisted.
He paused. "The first day, yeah. Then I just wanted to pummel the shit out of them."
"There you have it." She stood up and extended her hand. "My assignment was to cure you of bloodlust. Sure, you may want to beat up everyone, but at least you don't want to slaughter them anymore! And I think you've grown a bit more tolerant, too. My regards to your Division and please inform them that the story about the princess and the pea is quite entertaining."
Kenpachi stared at her… and kept staring. Did she have no fear or something? She'd made him go through hell to cure him in the oddest way possible! But there had been good moments. Yachiru was getting better at meditation, although she squirmed or lost interest from time to time, and he had a whole new respect for the 4th Division. So he slowly sheathed his sword and shook her hand, deciding that she was tolerable--for a therapist. However...
"I'm not doing it again, got that?"
"Of course."
---Afterwards---
"Captain Zaraki, what happened to your bunny buddy? Did you get a newfound fondness for puppies instead?"
Kenpachi grinned maliciously at the smirking Renji. "Abarai, you're just the bastard I was looking for."
Elsewhere, Soujuku Chiyuu, Soul Society therapist, heard the yells and smiled.
---OOC---
First off, please forgive me for making Kenpachi BADLY OOC. That said and done, I love reviews, so please don't hesitate to whack me over the head with heavy objects. If you'd like this series to continue, you can help me out by voting for the character you'd like to see in the therapy session next. A new character will be added to the poll for each chapter. So, who's next?
1. Abarai Renji
2. Kusajishi Yachiru
3. Ise Nanao
4. Hanatarou Yamada
5. Hinamori Momo
No worries, they'll all get done eventually (and I do mean ALL)! And, if all goes well, I may have the therapist make a visit to Karakura! Thanks again, everyone!