And yes, I AM aware that Renji's got enough problems of his own, but this hit me and it wouldn't go away. So I'm writing it down, and feel free to beat me with heavy objects after you're through reading.
And because I can, I did the scariest expression sheet EVER for Chiyuu. The link can be found at my profile.
If I owned Bleach, Hanatarou would be adopted into the Shiba family and given a pet pig. That being said, I own the therapist and the nifty song. Nothing more, nothing less. This chapter is dedicated to Janis, who helped me so incredibly much... and to a bunch of you lovelies at LJ, who inspired me to keep writing! Thanks again!
"Ahahahahahahahaha!"
Abarai Renji, staring down at the rolling ball of mirth on the floor, wondered if there was still time to run for it. He didn't think she'd notice. But then again, there was the matter of his pride. This particular fit of laughter was directed at him, and he didn't like it one bit. Unless it was Rukia; there was just something about her laughter that made him unable to grow angry at her. Maybe because she didn't laugh enough.
But he was wandering off-track. The therapist was still laughing her head off and it irked him to no end. She didn't even have a reason to go into hysterics; all she had done was welcome him like a civil shinigami should (although she'd addressed him as "Ren-kun" instead of "Vice-Captain Abarai") and glanced at his folder. So the contents must have been the trigger.
"What the hell is so damned funny to you?" He snapped, propping one hand on his hip and reaching down with the other to grasp the giggling Soujuku Chiyuu by the collar.
"I-I'm sorry… it's just that…" She lifted her hand to wipe her eyes, her laughter dying down to a few sporadic chuckles. "I can't believe you DID all of that! And all of that to get Rukia-chan's attention? Ren-kun, you've got to find a better way to show off."
He glared at her and lifted his arm. Chiyuu came up with it and he set her on her feet before he released her and slouched down in the assigned "patient chair", still glaring sullenly. "I never said I was showing off."
She settled behind her desk and jabbed a finger at his file. A smile crept onto her face as she read it aloud. "Abarai Renji, seen traipsing through Seireitei with the stolen items of Captain Kyouraku Shunsui and Vice-Captain Ise Nanao of the Eighth Division, as well as the stolen hair apparel of Captain Kuchiki Byakuya of the Sixth Division. Sang several unfamiliar obscene songs before being apprehended and escorted to Soujuku Chiyuu of the Fourth Division. Blames the entire incident on a dare given to him by Vice-Captain Hisagi Shuuhei of the Ninth Division." The therapist closed the folder and the smile broadened into a full-fledged grin.
Renji got a very bad feeling in the lower regions of his stomach.
"So, let me put this in terms that I can understand. Shuuhei-kun dared you to steal Shunsui-kun's pink robe, Nanao-san's glasses, and Captain Kuchiki's freaky hair curlers, wear them and NOTHING ELSE, and run around singing weird songs at the top of your lungs?" She thoughtfully tapped her cheek with a pen. "Come to think of it, I vaguely remember hearing something along the lines of, 'I'm too sexy for my robe, too sexy for my tattoos'. Does that ring a bell?"
"Shut up." His face was now the exact color of his hair, which made him look exactly like a spiky-haired tomato-- one that had most likely been exposed to steroids.
"I don't see why you'd be embarrassed now," Chiyuu continued, blissfully ignoring his half-hearted command. "There's not much more that can be done to humiliate you after that particular stunt." She paused, an unfamiliar daze entering her eyes before she gave her head a firm shake. "Anyway, I talked with Shuuhei-kun prior to seeing you, and he told me some very fascinating things."
"She knows things," Hitsugaya had told Renji just before he had arrived. "She knows things that you wouldn't expect her to know about." And now he was witnessing it first-hand. But he wouldn't let her gloat for long; she was probably just bluffing, anyway!
Or not.
"Shuuhei-kun told me that he had, indeed, dared you to do all of those things, but he had previously made a bet with you that you couldn't go a whole week without mentioning Rukia-chan. Amazingly enough, you won, but you still went through with the dare. Now, why is that, Ren-kun? Why would you embarrass yourself for no good reason at all?"
Renji forced himself to think of the most boring thing he knew. Having tea with Byakuya… yes, that was boring enough. Now, if only he could focus on it intensely enough to block her out…
"I could be wrong, but it seems like this is all a ploy to get Rukia-chan's attention. You've always been a show-off, haven't you? But now she keeps thinking of Ichigo-san and you want her to pay attention to you again."
Okay, so Byakuya wasn't being as effective as he should be. Dammit. Perhaps if he thought about having tea with Yamamoto? The old guy seemed even duller than Byakuya.
"… have to find a different method to get her attention. Er… Ren-kun, your face is twitching."
"What do you want me to say?" He exploded, finally giving up on the futility of it all. "That you're right? That I did all that so Rukia could stop giving a flying shit about Ichigo and we could go back to the way we were before he came along?"
Chiyuu shook her head. "You're mostly right, but I think this goes far beyond their first meeting."
HOW DID SHE KNOW? It defied all comprehension. Yes, things had changed drastically, ever since that day when he had gone looking for Rukia, flushed with his success, and found her with the shocking news that she had been offered a position in the esteemed Kuchiki clan. Their lives had been subtly altered that day, and he would have given up Zabimaru to be able to go back to the old days when it was just the two of them, united in their battle against the fate that life had set in store of them in Rukongai. But it wasn't as if he were romantically interested in her! He just missed the closeness they had once shared. Him, liking Rukia THAT way? Ha!
"Ha!" He repeated aloud. "You're dead wrong, Soujuku. Bet you can't bear to hear that, can you? Sucks to be wrong, doesn't it?"
Chiyuu was uncharacteristically silent, before she raised her eyes from the desk and looked steadily at him. "Ren-kun, could you come here for a moment?"
"Huh?" Wondering if she was going to weep (and feeling partially guilty about it), he reluctantly trudged towards the desk.
"Good. Now stay there for a moment." She climbed onto her desk, leaned over, and grabbed him by the shoulders (she had been too short to do so without the desk's aid). "Wake up and smell the bunnies, VICE-CAPTAIN ABARAI. You miss Rukia-chan. You blame Ichigo-san for her changes in personality, even though they were all for the better. You try to show off so she can laugh at you and make things all lovely again. At this rate, she's just going to think that you've gone insane. And now you… Need. To. Talk. To. HER." She emphasized each word with an equally-forceful shake.
Renji blinked, and would have burst out laughing at the fact that she had to stand on her desk to scold him like this, if only she hadn't made sense.
… Well, except for one part.
"Bunnies smell?"
The therapist grinned crookedly, hopping off her desk. "Yes. Like Ocean Breeze. Ask Kenpachi-kun if you don't believe me."
"Naww, I'll take your word for it." He didn't particularly feel up to finding Zaraki Kenpachi and bluntly inquiring as to what sort of scented soap he'd used to keep Chappy the Bunny squeaky-clean.
"Well, first of all, we'll have to cure you of your show-offy tendencies," Chiyuu said briskly. "So meet me outside the Sixth Division office tomorrow morning."
"Show-offy isn't a word, you know," he couldn't resist pointing out.
She fixed him with a glare. "Quiet, you."
---The Following Morning…---
"Huh?" Renji blinked, raising one eyebrow. "What're all of you doing here?"
Hitsugaya Toushirou shrugged. "The therapist recommended coming here if we wanted to be entertained. And, after Matsumoto fell asleep and drooled on the paperwork, I am in sore need of entertainment."
Hisagi Shuuhei jerked his thumb towards the diminutive captain. "Uh… yeah. What he said. Minus the drooling chick bit."
Kuchiki Byakuya said nothing, merely surreptitiously raised his hand to make sure that his kenseikan were still safely in his hair and not being used to decorate the flaming tresses of one loud-mouthed vice-captain.
Along with those three, Hinamori Momo, Kira Izuru, Kyouraku Shunsui, Ise Nanao, Zaraki Kenpachi and his pink-haired koala bear, Matsumoto Rangiku, Hanatarou Yamada, Rikichi and Rukia were also in attendance, all wearing expressions of confusion and/or boredom.
"Thanks for coming, everyone!" Chiyuu called out, standing before the assembled group outside of the Sixth Division office. "Since you all seem to know Ren-kun in some way or another, I've invited you to witness his humiliation!"
She says it so happily, was the thought that ran through most of the minds present.
The therapist took a deep breath, then launched into a song that she had obviously concocted last night.
"Oh, gather ye round and I'll tell you a tale
Of an infamous tattooed, tall spiky-haired male
Who brags quite a lot, but is actually shy,
Yes, I speak of the one we call Abarai!
Abarai Renji of his captain is bored
And spends his days gossiping with his sharp sword.
He denies that he sleep-talks, but yet this is true;
I have the sworn word of Zabimaru!
Abarai Renji sleeps with a bunny
Which Rukia's fond of; it's incredibly funny
How Renji can tease her and laugh at her joy
When he actually sleeps with the very same toy!
Abarai Renji sleeps with no clothes
And slyly, in secret, he picks his own nose
And wears a pink apron whenever he cooks
And is very self-conscious of how good he looks.
He stole Shunsui's robe and dear Nanao's glasses
And Byakuya's curlers, and called us all asses
While he pranced around singing how he was hot
To get HER attention; and yet, he did not!
Yes, Abarai Renji's a strong, brilliant fighter
Yet I think that his ponytail's been getting tighter
And cutting off circulation into his brain
Simply stated, Abarai Renji's insane!"
Chiyuu finished with a flourish and took her bows as Renji gaped at her like a dying fish and everyone else did their best to hold in their laughter.
How the hell had she found out about his pink apron?
---Much Later---
Renji (after facing many renditions of "The Ballad of Abarai Renji" from everyone he encountered) finally got the point. Showing off was not the way to resolve any conflicts between Rukia and himself. He had to actually sit down and TALK to her. Which he did, in due time, and by the time they were done, he was sure things had definitely been resolved for the better.
But having Byakuya quietly hum that damned song in the background was far more annoying than he'd ever thought possible.
And the therapist grinned and wondered if she should have gone into the musical business.
---OOC---
I hope you're all happy. I was so paranoid that "surreptitiously" meant "seductively" or something that I had to check in the dictionary. Whew!
I cannot be blamed for the mass amount of people who may be scarred by this chapter and/or fic. That being said, we are now free to move on to the "Please review or I'll make Chiyuu write more songs" part and the "All right, Vote for your Next Victim" section! The next chapter will be either Hanatarou or Hinamori, so I'd like to ask for two votes…
1. Please vote between Hinamori Momo and Hanatarou Yamada for the next chapter.
2. The other candidates are…
1. Ise Nanao
2. Kusajishi Yachiru
3. Kuchiki Byakuya
4. Ukitake Jyuushirou
5. Kira Izuru
And don't worry, I'll be doing a Karakura special edition one of these days…