All right, children. This chapter is devoted to Byakuya and his experiences of therapy… it will be strange. You will get strange looks. I will laugh as I type this, because I'm weird that way. And just a warning, this may be the last chapter for awhile until I get settled into college life, so I'd appreciate it if you didn't write "Update soon!" because sometimes… that's REALLY hard to do. I'll do what I can, though.
If I owned Bleach, Isshin would so be my dad. Or Ukitake. Because they're both awesome.
Soujuku Chiyuu had to admit that she'd had a few unusual patients in her office from time to time. Mayuri's visit had undeniably traumatized her for awhile, and she'd had a hard time recovering when her own captain had come in to confess that she had an unexplainable crush on Zaraki Kenpachi.
She hadn't been sure what had been worse at the time: Unohana coming to her for love advice, or Unohana having a romantic interest in the man who regarded war as a giant, bloody game of Tag.
But even a potential union of healer and fighter fell short when it came to the person sitting across from her with a face like marble and a personality to match it perfectly.
"Kuchiki-taichou," she greeted at last, a stray thought crossing her mind that this must be what the end of the world felt like. "How are you?" And what are you doing in my office?
Kuchiki Byakuya didn't feel like holding a meaningless conversation about his health, so he got straight to the point without batting an eye. "I'm here for my therapy."
Chiyuu eyed him peculiarly, plunging her hand into a drawer and fishing out a file. She wasn't sure if she even wanted to know how someone like Byakuya had been coerced into walking into her office and actually seeking therapy for his issues. The file had the information she needed, however, and she perused it quickly.
"Ah, so Unohana-taichou recommended it... it says here that you are too austere, overprotective of Kuchiki Rukia-chan, and your rank restricts you from acting civil to those below your station."
Silence from the marble statue. Ah, well. She had expected as much.
"It's a good start that you've whittled down on your pride enough to come see a lowly Fourth Division member... it seems things have changed since you were defeated by Ichigo-san, hm?"
More silence. It was as if she was holding a conversation with a wall. A wall that stared right through her.
"Always a follower of the rules," the therapist went on, refusing to let herself be daunted. "So much so that you were even willing to execute your own sister." She sighed dramatically, dusting off her shikakushou. "It seems to me that I'm going to have my hands full with your therapy. Do you solemnly swear not to back out, no matter how painful or difficult it may be to follow through with?"
This time, Byakuya's blue eyes actually focused on the therapist. From sounding like a small child, unsure of what she was doing, her voice had just altered so that she abruptly sounded stern and very much in control of the situation. It was a voice that demanded respect, and he was starting to get a glimmer of why her patients never backed out of their therapies. Neither would he.
"I assure you, I am capable of handling whatever you choose to be adequate therapy."
Chiyuu let out a low whistle. "Ah, so you talk after all. No protests? If you refuse a single request or treatment, I'll have to tell Unohana-taichou that you weren't up to completing your therapy."
Those same blue eyes suddenly narrowed and became as cold as frost. "So be it. I was not aware that Fourth Division members gave captains so little credit." A challenge had been issued. He wouldn't back down now.
"On the contrary, Kuchiki-taichou. I give captains just as much credit as they deserve." She was smiling sweetly, with just the slightest trace of orneriness in that look.
Lesser men would have glared. Kuchiki Byakuya settled for his "You-Do-Not-Amuse-Me-Pitiful-One" stare.
Chiyuu remained unruffled and unafraid, meeting his eyes with a challenging stare of her own. "Seven days," she began, shuffling her papers without breaking the impromptu staring contest. "In short, you have seven days to loosen up. I will be your friend for that week. I will tell you what it is you have to do each day. The week starts today, so hand over your hair curlers."
Byakuya jerked his eyes away so fast that they watered for a moment. "My what?" He questioned, his tone so frigid that Chiyuu swore the room temperature dropped twenty degrees.
"Your hair curlers," she repeated patiently. "The little white tubey things in your hair that make you look pretty damned feminine. And the scarf too, while you're at it."
"You..." He could scarcely believe the impertinence of the beaming brat holding up her hand for the items. "Do you not realize what these symbolize?"
Chiyuu's smile vanished and she once again shifted into Stern Therapist-mode. "Curlers are used to alter straight hair and shift it into a shape reminiscent of a corkscrew. Scarves are for when you're cold. As it rarely snows in Seireitei, and your hair would look pretty ridiculous with only half of it curled, I must insist that you hand both items over. You promised not to disagree, remember?"
Byakuya had the feeling, as he sluggishly unwrapped the scarf from around his neck and pressed it into the therapist's hand (how he wanted to strike her down just then!), that this was going to be a very long and painful process.
It DID, however, take Chiyuu a good twenty minutes to separate Byakuya from his kenseikan, and she had eventually just tackled him, wrestled him to the floor and scurried off with them while he sat there and waited for his crumpled pride to mend itself.
Long and painful process, indeed.
---Day Two of Seven---
"As we're now friends, we're going to do what friends do!" Chiyuu skipped ahead of Byakuya, who was subconsciously fingering his kenseikan-less hair and mourning them (inwardly, of course).
He was almost afraid to ask."... And they...?"
"Make cookies, of course!" She handed him a pink apron that looked remarkably like the one she had sung about in the Ballad of his vice-captain. "Even though we're trying to strip you of dignity as quickly and efficiently as possible, getting cookie dough all over you would be just a bit too traumatizing."
"You needn't be so blunt," was his response, as he unfolded the item and looked at it with barely-veiled disgust. There was the ugliest rendition of a panda bear on one of the pockets, not to mention the entire thing was PINK.
"Yes, I do," Chiyuu disagreed, marching into the cafeteria with a new air of purpose. "It's all part of the job. Here, I rented the kitchen for the afternoon, so we're going to make enough cookies to feed the Gotei 13!"
Oh, WHY had he even agreed to go along with this in the first place? He should have killed her when he had the chance.
Five Hours Later…
"Hm." Chiyuu musingly munched on her half of the cookie. "It's perfect! The twenty-ninth batch is the best one yet!"
Byakuya, too tired tomaintain his immaculate posture, slumped wearily against a counter. "You had no idea what you were doing."
"I never said I could cook." She cast him a sidelong glance. "But I'm impressed. I never figured you for the baking type."
"Neither did I. I admit that I had believed you to be a better baker."
Chiyuu laughed at this. "I'm horrible at this sort of thing. Izuru-kun is much better at it than I am. Ren-kun, too. Isn't his apron cute?"
Byakuya, once again, didn't want to know. So he changed the subject. "You have cookie dough in your hair."
She automatically felt for it and grimaced. "SoI do.Well, you have cookie dough on your face."
When he felt his face, it was as smooth as always, clear of any fatal dough. "No, I don't."
Without warning, Chiyuu picked up a spoon loaded with dough and let it fly.
SPLAT.
"You do now."
He was going to kill her. Once this week was over, Soujuku Chiyuu was going to DIE.
---Day Three of Seven---
"We're hugging people today!" Chiyuu said brightly, and Byakuya accidentally inhaled his green tea.
"What purpose would that accomplish?" He wheezed out, after the therapist had solidly thumped him on the back to abate his coughing fit.
She became even more infuriatingly perky. "Because you seem to think that everyone around you has some sort of contagious disease and you don't even hug your own sister! So, today, we're hugging everyone we see!"
He had a bad feeling about this entire day... which proved to be absolutely correct.
Chiyuu went first, having spotted Hisagi Shuuhei across the court and sprinting over to hug him around the waist. The Ninth Division vice-captain seemed vaguely surprised to see a therapist down there, but then smirked and lightly hugged her back.
"See?" She informed Byakuya triumphantly. "That's not hard at all!"
The first person he hugged was Rukia, and it had been an interesting process.
"Rukia."
"Yes, Nii-sama?"
"I am going to embrace you now."
"...Nii-sama, are you not feeling well?"
"Are you questioning my state of mental stability?"
"...A hug sounds... nice."
Byakuya had thought the whole thing to be rather awkward, but not unpleasant. That was, until they saw Hinamori Momo and Matsumoto Rangiku strolling towards them.
Chiyuu had no qualms about hugging other women, since the species was generally more affectionate, so she and Rangiku exchanged cheerful hugs, and Byakuya (excruciatingly slow) bent to hug Hinamori.
Hinamori fainted.
Next thing he knew, Hitsugaya was running after him with murdering intent gleaming in his eyes.
"WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO TO HINAMORI?"
Rangiku and Chiyuu, who were concentrating on reviving the poor vice-captain, could only cringe.
"You know, you should probably hug your vice-captain," the therapist mused, once Hitsugaya had been subdued and they'd escaped. "You get along with Ren-kun, don't you?"
"I refuse to hug him."
Five minutes later, they left Abarai Renji stammering with shock and horror as he tried to grasp the fact that Kuchiki Byakuya had just HUGGED him, told him sternly not to tell a soul, and strode out with the diminutive shinigami by his side.
"No more," Byakuyatold his companion. "We've hugged every shinigami that we've comeacross." If this went on, he'd never live it down.
Chiyuu grinned, then threw her arms around him. Before he could react, she was heading into her office, calling over her shoulder, "Aren't you glad we didn't run into Kenpachi-kun, then?"
Byakuya had horrific nightmares that night.
---Day Four of Seven---
Chiyuu had dropped by the noble house of Kuchiki with lunch for the both of them (although she assured Byakuya that Renji had actually helped to make themafter she'd burnt the rice).
"Eh? Byakuya-san, you have ducks?" She pointed to the water-fowl contentedly paddling around the pond.
"Yes. The servants take care of them." When he got no reply from the normally-talkative girl, he glanced up. Chiyuu was investigating some of the reeds near the edge of the pond.
Suddenly, she let out a soft yelp, crouching down. "Byakuya-san! You have eggs!"
He joined her, glancing down in the direction of her extended finger. Sure enough, five eggs were nestled amongst fallen reeds, grass, and mud, and they were quivering-- wait.
"THEY'RE HATCHING!" Chiyuu leapt to her feet and ran away, yelling something about getting help. Byakuya watched her departure, bemusedly wondering why she was making such a fuss.
And then one of the eggs split in two.
--- Day Five of Seven---
Chiyuu was busy sorting through all of her files and scribbling notes on each and every paper, when a heated stare on the back of her neck made her realize that she was no longer alone in her office. She swiveled around to meet the dark, foreboding gaze of Kuchiki Byakuya.
"Something the matter?" She inquired curiously, noting with interest that his eye was actually twitching spasmodically.
As an answer, Byakuya pointed behind him and the therapist stood up to walk around her desk and see what was irritating him so.
Three minutes later, she still hadn't stopped laughing.
"I fail to see what is so amusing," Byakuya spoke icily. "Would you care to enlighten me?"
Chiyuu made a conscious effort to control herself. "You... you have a row of five ducklings following you. You were the first thing they saw, weren't you?"
He didn't answer.
"And... and... they think you're their mother! YOU! Congratulations, Byakuya-san, I always knew you'd make a terrific parent. I somehow assumed you'd be the male half, though. Do they have names yet?"
Again, the twitch. "No, they don't. Nor will they. I would like to rid myself of their presence, and I have tried every method imaginable to do this, but still they trail after me."
"Well, what did you expect? Your face is imprinted in their minds now. You could always just give them to Izuru-kun or Ren-kun and have them make roast duck."
Silence.
"Kidding, kidding!" She flapped a hand at him, still chuckling. "There's not much you can do, I'm afraid. If their mother hasn't come for them yet, chances are that she's dead, so you'll have to take care of them. They'll follow you until they're old enough to fly on their own... which could be awhile, since I hear they don't even get all their feathers in until they're five weeks old. But you could at least give them names. What kind of parent would leave their children nameless?"
Byakuya left the room with Quack, Waddle, Kuro, Kanoko, and Steve, along with a new urge to wring that infernal girl's neck.
---Day Six of Seven---
"So I believe that the best thing to do in such circumstances would be to allow the vice-captains of the three units to take charge until we can find suitable replacements as captains," Yamamoto droned.
Soi Fong and Ukitake were listening intently. The rest of the captains were looking at Kuchiki Byakuya and the five little peeping birds at his heels. Quack seemed to have fallen in love with Hitsugaya's foot, much to his annoyance, and Steve was being cooed over by Shunsui, while Kenpachi snickered, Unohana smiled serenely to hide her own amusement, and Mayuri scrutinized Kuro, as if debating whether to use the duckling for experiments or not.
Komamura just wondered how one of them would taste.
Byakuya silently renewed his death threat towards his therapist.
Later…
"It's rather sudden," Chiyuu apologized, trotting towards the Eleventh Division headquarters, "but Kenpachi-kun was called away on Hollow business, and Yachiru has a bad case of the stomach flu, so he asked if I could come and keep an eye on her. Normally, Ikkaku-kun and Yumi-chan would do it, but they're both with Kenpachi-kun, and Ikkaku-kun flatly said that his head still bears teeth marks from the last time he watched Yachiru."
Byakuya slowly lifted an eyebrow, as if to ask So why am I here?
"It's part of your therapy. You've learned to feed and care for the ducklings, and now we're going to expose you to a sick child and see how you handle it."
"And no, you may not kill her. I wouldn't want Kenpachi-kun to lose his temper. His therapy was hard enough, so don't even tempt him, okay?"
It couldn't be that difficult if Yachiru was sick, Byakuya reasoned.
He had yet to learn that reasoning and logic did not exist for the Eleventh Division.
Yachiru had tried to eat Waddle, climbed up onto Byakuya's shoulder, yelled in his ear that he wasn't her Ken-chan, and had promptly thrown up in his hair. He could still hear his hair roots screaming in agony, even after Chiyuu had helped him shampoo it sixteen times while the remaining members of the Eleventh Division tried to get Yachiru to take her medicine.
In the end, it had taken said members and the therapist to hold the squirming vice-captain down, pry her jaws open and literally force the medicine down her throat, keeping her mouth firmly shut until she swallowed. Then they had tied her down after she had gone after Byakuya's head again. Chiyuu reluctantly parted with her beloved red ribbon so that Byakuya could pull his hair back and out of reach of Yachiru's grasping little hands.
Then there had been the bedtime story, in which the men had hovered nearby while Chiyuu told the goriest story she could think of (Yachiru just wasn't happy unless there was blood and dead people at the end).After the child had drifted off,they'd all gone off to get very, very drunk.
Byakuya, about to (uncharacteristically) thank Chiyuu for the loan of her ribbon, suddenly noticed that she had fallen asleep alongside Yachiru... as had the ducklings.
He could have left her there, but it had been helpful to have two people work to get the vomit out of his lovely tresses and she HAD taking precautionary measures to spare his hair while risking her own... so he picked her up, placed the ducklings in a box, and carried her to her office once Kenpachi and the others had returned.
The week was completed.
---Day Seven of Seven---
"Well, here are your hair noodles back--"
"Kenseikan."
"Seriously, why do you even wear curlers?"
"They're kenseikan, and I already told you why."
"Because you enjoy looking like Marie Antoinette?"
"Byakuya... er, Kuchiki-taichou, you really have no sense of humor." She handed over the scarf. "Your progress has been excellent this past week. You've loosened up considerably, you didn't slaughter Yachiru for throwing up on you, you've kept five ducklings safe from culinary demise, and people actually think there's a heart beating within you now. It's been an honor working with you."
He gazed at her. "Do you have fear at all?"
"Sure. Mayuri-taichou scares me. YOU used to scare me, but I didn't think acting frightened around you would help with your socializing skills. And you've relaxed enough to let Rukia-chan go visit the human world! I'm very proud of you!"
Wait. "Rukia isn't here?"
"Nope, she was allowed to go visit Ichigo two days ago. You didn't notice?"
He'd been too busy dealing with a handful of quacking "children" and coming up with new and inventive ways to make Chiyuu suffer to notice. So he did what he always did when he was wrong. He said nothing.
Then he placed the ribbon in her palm and closed her fingers around it.
"...Thank you."
He left in a whirl of white and black robes, but then he hesitated. "Should you ever feel like baking again, contact me before they give you full reign of the oven."
"They weren't THAT bad," the therapist grumbled good-naturedly. "Say hi to the children for me. Also, Kenpachi-kun wants to know if you're free to baby-sit Yachiru on Friday night. She seems to have grown fond of you. Just remember to wear protective gloves. Oh, and Ren-kun wants his apron back."
He was going to KILL her.
---OOC---
I had to finish this quickly, since I've got to go get my wisdom teeth out in about an hour and you DON'T want me writing once I'm drugged, trust me. It frightens small children. Please review, and hopefully Byakuya will forgive me for doing so many bad things to him and MAKING HIM OOC. -weeps-
Up next is the couples therapy of Shunsui and Nanao, and then Hinamori's after them. Again, updates will SLOW DOWN.