-Resubmitted as a oneshot-
Title: The Matythingy Mage Party
Genre: Humor
Pairings: Hints of Escortshipping (Erk x Priscilla)
Summary: Seven parts humor and three parts nutty crossover in Serra's mage party! Things get a bit out of hand Pent's matythingy gets out of control…Erk POV. Hints of Erk x Priscilla. one shot
-Erk's POV-
"Wake up, Erky! You're going to be late!"
Why must I get up? What am I going to be late for? And…and…WHY THE FLUX IS SERRA IN MY TENT!
"ELFIRE!"
"EEEP!"
My eyes fluttered open just in time to see Serra glaring at me, her hair aflame.
"You're so mean, Erky!"
She left, presumingly to put her hair out. Still, by that point it would be pretty charred. Ha. Now that was worth getting up for.
But there was the question. Why the heck was she getting me up at…I fell out of my cot and slowly crawled across the grassy floor of my tent. Too tired to walk, ne? Anyway, I eventually crawled my way out of my tent and outside. Looked about…five in the morning? On a Saturday! Is she nuts? I think so…There were three possibilities.
1. She's crazy.
2. She wants to drive me nuts.
3. The enemies are cruel enough to attack on a Saturday.
Well, no one's evil enough to attack on a Saturday. I mean, come on. I bet the Black Fang was still in bed sucking their thumbs and hugging teddies. …Whoa there. Bad image. Bad, yet strangely hilarious…
I chuckled, but then winced. What was that? Ah. Serra. That poison spell thing that she got from this hallucination she had. She supposedly went to this strange world where the world is run by this evil company, and there's some kid with hair taller than Castle Caelin trying to save it. At any rate, she picked up some mysterious orb that lets her cast a spell called 'Bio'. Yeah.
After thinking about all that, it finally set into my brain. Pain. Five in the morning. Saturday. Serra. MUST DIE.
"SERRRRRAAAA!"
"What is it, Erky?"
I ignored the continuous throbbing in my head, got dressed as quickly as I could, and ran outside. Serra was there, crouched over the river running through our camp. The fire was out, but there were plenty of char marks in her hair. I grinned a grin which vanished at another shot of pain.
"Don't play dumb. I know you used that…that…
"Materia?"
"Yeah. That. On me."
"So?"
"…Serra…" I held out my Elfire book in warning.
"Okay, okay!" She held out a small, green orb. It looked identical to the Bio Ma…Matar….Maty…thing, so needless to say I was suspicious.
"Esuna!" And the pain was gone.
"Where'd you-"
"Merlinus's tent."
"I should have guessed." I really should have. That girl really spends too much time at Merlinus's tent. Apparently he gets all the new stuff before anyone else, besides Matthew, who pretty much filed a restraining order at this point. A restraining order involving giving her good-sized sums of money to keep her away from him. Poor guy.
"Let's go, Erky! Come on!"
"Wait a minute!"
"Yes, Erky?"
"Where the flux are we going?" Serra looked at me strangely, as though it were obvious. Oh yes, Serra, everyone know why this annoying, psycho, Matythingy carrying cleric would be casting Poison spells on me and waking me up at five in the morning on a Saturday. Absolutely everyone knows that.
"To the mage party, of course!" What. The. Flux.
"What, you didn't know? All the mages are going to be there!" Wonderful. I get to go to a party with the most annoying creature on the planet, my teacher, a guy who apparently thinks he's a girl, a little girl who can't read, a guy who thinks he's a thousand times smarter than me, and Priscilla, who isn't a problem, minus her brother. Raven. I wouldn't be surprised if he invited himself. Gah.
"Am I allowed to skip it?"
"Of course not! This party will be great! I helped decorate!" Wooh. My pain will be enhanced by dangerously high levels of pink. I replied by walking back into my tent.
"ERKY! YOU'RE COMING!" I growled under my breath and came back out. I hate you, Serra. But my life will be a living heck if I don't come, so…I guess I have no choice.
"Eeeep! This'll be so fun! Come on, Erky!"
"I'm having fun already."
"Good!"
"Sigh…" Then it struck me.
"Where is this party?"
"The Shinra Mansion at Nibelheim, of course!"
"Nibelheim…where the flux is Nibel-"
"TELEPORT!"
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Suddenly, it felt as though I was dematerializing. Slowly but surely. It was a very scary feeling, as though I was going to disappear and never return. Yeah.
"We're here!" I opened my eyes. The mansion (apparently the 'Shinra Mansion' Serra had mentioned) had a creepy vibe to it. It obviously belonged to someone super-uber-rich, but it was not well kept. It reminded me more of a haunted house than a rich man's dwelling. So this place actually existed. I guess she wasn't hallucinating…
"This is your awesome party spot?"
"Be quiet, Erky! Come on, the party's in the basement!" I blinked.
"The…basement…?"
"Of course, the basement! Last time I came here there was this guy and…" I was completely unable to make out any of the following girl talk, save a few words like 'black matythingy' and 'bishounen'. Uh-huh. I wonder if she could tell me what bishounen means, I heard a few girls calling Eliwood that the other day. I'm beginning to infer that it means 'pansy'.
"…and now I decided I'll worship the ground he walked on! Isn't that great, Erky!"
"Yeah. Uh-huh."
"So LET'S GO!" And with that, she grabbed my hand and tugged. Apparently, this mansion was also a labyrinth. There were about a thousand doors, give or take. At any rate, after two staircases, several wrong turns, and a twisting staircase later, we were in the basement.
I observed our surroundings. They were pink. Very, very pink. And they smelled like perfume. …Why the flux must Elimine torture me this way! I pondered that for a moment, until I was interrupted by a certain monk by the name of Lucius, who was apparently spreading more perfume.
"Hello, Erk! I'm glad you could make it, we were worried you'd be late!"
"Late? At five in the morning?"
"Yes, well, we didn't want anyone else to know about it…" That was just as well, since life would only get worse if Fiora found out…-shudder- I don't want to think about that. Then again, there were enough morons here without Fiora. Feh.
"EVERYONE, ERK'S HERE!" Serra screamed so loud that it probably awoke a few zombies. Great. Just what I need. And I was going to hide in a corner and pretend I didn't exist. Everyone instantly appeared, probably by way of Pent's Teleport stave.
"Hiya, Erk!" Nino, looking slightly sad. Probably because she wasn't allowed to bring Jaffar. Most likely because he'd rip all the pink wallpaper and kill Lucius and Serra for putting it there. It would certainly make me happy, but the others? No deal.
"Hello, Erk." Pent. He was looking with interest at the matythingy that Serra was holding.
"Hello there, Erk." Great. It's Canas. Just what I need, someone to show me up in front of all the other mages. I hate Canas with a passion. He's constantly proving himself correct and proving me wrong. Grrarrg.
"Hi, Erk!" It was Priscilla. The only person in this little group I could stand. I smiled at her, and she smiled back. Which would have been fine, except for the guy standing next to her.
"This is why I came! I knew this would happen!" Ugh. Raven. Why!
"Listen, you, you keep your hands off my sister, you hear?" I see your mouth moving, but all I hear is 'blahblahblah'.
"Yeah, of course, Rav." Raven shot me his evil princely glare of DOOM, which he had apparently been practicing. It caused Lucius to shiver and Nino to wince. It had no effect on me, so I simply glared back. He growled and pulled Priscilla off, presumably to give her a long brotherly speech about boyfriends and him approving of them. I repressed a snort, and the party began for real.
Admittedly, there was one good thing about the party-the food. Lucius later told me Lowen and Karel had been in on the secret, which didn't surprise me. The food was mostly good, except the French toast. The French toast was just plain awesome. Best thing I ever ate? Possibly. Yum. There's Karel's French toast for you.
I knew that moment of happiness couldn't last forever, and I was right. It wasn't long before the music turned on, and Serra insisted on dancing with me. Nino was dancing with her 'Uncle Canas', and Pent was looking at something, I couldn't see what. Raven and Priscilla were still in the back, but I spotted them once, and Raven glared evilly at me. Great. Now I have Raven the psycho on my case. My day couldn't get any better.
"I wonder what this is…?"
"Hmm?" I blinked and looked over at Lord Pent.
"Excuse me, Serra." Despite Serra's annoyed ranting, I walked over to him. He was holding a shiny green orb. I blinked. It looked exactly like Serra's Poison and 'Esuna' things.
"It's a matythingy!"
"…A what?" I blinked, embarrassed.
"Serra has a couple of them…apparently they cast magic spells just as tomes and staves do."
"Indeed. I wonder…" He took the matythingy and squeezed it hard. I thought it was about to explode when his eyes turned green.
"FIRE 3!" There was a sudden explosion as fire blasted throughout the basement. It immediately caught on the pink heart wallpaper and began to burninate the walls. And just when I thought life couldn't get any worse.
"FLUX!" I kicked a wall that wasn't on fire yet. My shouting snapped Pent out of his casting-ness (?) as his eyes returned to normal.
"What the flux happened here!"
"That's what I'd like to know." Pent cursed under his breath. Nino noticed the fire and squealed like the little girl that she was. Canas mumbled something and moved in front of Nino to protect her from the flame. Serra blinked, turned toward the flame, and squealed like Nino.
"EVERYBODY OUT!" She held up her Teleport stave as Pent, Nino and Canas crowded around her. I almost followed, but then I remembered.
"Priscilla…" I wasn't leaving her behind. I didn't know why, I just knew that she was coming with us and I wasn't changing my mind. Without thinking any more, I charged into the flaming corridor.
"Erky-!" That was the last thing I heard. I saw a flash behind me and knew that Serra had teleported, or perhaps Pent used his. I noticed about ten seconds later how sweltering it was in this corridor. And how most of my cape had burned off. I hate being the hero. I wondered how on earth I was going to make it through all the flames when I spotted a matythingy on the floor. Why the heck was there one just lying around? At any rate, I picked it up and concentrated. Perhaps it could help.
"WALL!" As I snapped out of it I noticed a double clear barrier surrounding me. That could be helpful. I walked through the flames, grimacing (the walls couldn't prevent all of the burning). Eventually, I spotted Raven, attempting to protect Priscilla. I whipped out my own Teleport stave and tossed it to Priscilla.
"Priscilla! Let's go!"
"Erk-! What're you-"
"TELEPORT!" I sighed in relief as I felt that dematerialization sensation again, and we landed…back at camp.
I looked up. It seemed to be about ten now. I gagged at the thought of spending five hours with Serra, then turned around to look at Raven and Priscilla.
"-grumble- Yeah thanks uh-huh great yeah…-grumble-" Raven finished that elegant speech with an evil princely glare of DOOM, and then walked away. I turned to Priscilla. She smiled.
"Thank you…for saving me." I smiled back.
"No problem. I couldn't leave you alone…in the fire…" I blushed. Have I ever blushed before? I don't think I have.
"I suppose…we should get some sleep…we got up so early…" She blushed as well, and ran off to her tent, embarrassed. I turned around, looked at the ground, and then ran into my tent. I guess I should get some sleep…I wonder why Priscilla blushed…?
I fell into my cot without changing, too tired to bother. I dreamt about the fire…what would have happened had I not gone after Priscilla…She would have…would have…I didn't want to think about it. I fell asleep…
"Errrrrrrrkkkkkky! Wake up!"
And so it goes.
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Savvy: I agree, Erk, why is the matythingy randomly on the floors of the FFVII universe? Whatever. R&R, or Pent'll come after you with Fire 3…