Title: A Temporary Arrangement
Author: Lurien of Lórien, Sentinel Extraordinaire, Equal
Opportunity Lover
Disclaimer: I, Lurien, know very little about this Tolkien fellow
and do not own anything he might have created. I own only myself
and nearly 150 combs.
Cast: Lurien, Haldir

A Temporary Arrangement

When last I shared one of my adventures with you lovely readers, it
involved the incident of my missing comb and the mischievous and
lusty elleth who hid it from me. My devoted readers may recall the
elleth whom I called Jane' in order to protect her identity since I
do not kiss and tell. However, I soon learned that Jane' did not
have the same scruples where I was concerned.

The story of how she had tricked me in order to prove my honor soon
reached the ears of every unattached elleth in Lórien. Happily,
this meant that my reputation as a Lover Extraordinaire received a
substantial boost . . . not that it needed it, you understand, but
some things in life are just inevitable. And why fight the
inevitable?

Instead, I decided to make the best of it. If I was more in demand
among the ellith of Lothlórien, could this be a bad thing? I think
not.

Let it be noted that I now have a sufficient number of combs to
ensure that I always look my best at all times. Since the missing
comb incident, a number of ladies and ellith have gifted me with
combs of various designs and sizes, so that I now have one in every
room of my talan, several hidden in various locations throughout
Caras Galadhon, and more than a few in the surrounding forest. I
feel safe.

But I digress.

Getting back to my story, due to my enhanced reputation as a Lover
Extraordinaire, it came to pass that I was in demand almost every
night that I was not on duty. Months passed in this highly
agreeable manner, and then came a day when something happened. This
is my account of that incident, as I feel sure it will rivet the
attention of every one of my female admirers.

It so happened that I set eyes on a new and lovely elleth named,
ahem, Jane II. I cannot reveal her true name because of what
occurred later, but I want to be sure to mention that Jane II is a
different elleth from Jane I.

Jane II was not from Lothlórien, although her mother was. Her
mother had married one of Thranduil's wood elves, and so it was that
Jane II had been raised far away from my admiring eyes. However,
the time came when Jane II decided to visit the land of her mother's
people, and that is when I first set eyes on her.

I was thunderstruck, completely nailed to the ground by her beauty.
This is not to imply that I was ready to remove myself from the
available applicant pool of eligible bachelor ellyn. No, indeed.
Still, I was very much taken with her, that much I cannot deny.

To my dismay, she hardly noticed me. I realize this is difficult to
believe, but it is true. Instead, her gaze seemed to be
magnetically drawn toward my good friend Haldir.

To those of you who are following the fictional story, Elanor's
Revenge, it might appear that Haldir and I are not the best of
friends. I will readily admit that he is not, and likely never will
be, my closest friend. However, I hasten to add that we by no means
feel any amount of enmity toward each other. Indeed, our
relationship is most cordial. Thus it was that when Jane II's
lovely blue eyes fell on the Marchwarden, I was ready to simply
shrug my broad shoulders and proceed onward to greener pastures (of
which there were many).

Then came the day when Haldir sought me out.

"Lurien," he said, halting beside my table where I sat alone at my
favorite Lórien tavern. "May I join you?"

I glanced up. "Certainly," I said civilly. As it happened, I had
just come from guard duty, and had not yet made any plans for the
evening, although I had been mulling over my choices as I sipped my
drink.

Haldir swung his leg over the bench and made himself comfortable.
The serving elleth hurried over, and he placed his order in his usual
composed manner. I tried not to notice how she fluttered her
eyelashes at him. She did that with me too, of course.

"Lurien," Haldir repeated, after she walked away, "I wonder if I
might talk with you about a personal matter."

"A personal matter?" I echoed, vaguely surprised.

"It involves a certain elleth recently arrived in Lórien."

My nimble mind leaped forward, immediately ascertaining that he was
referring to Jane II, that lovely elleth from Greenwood who had
stirred my masculine interest (to a degree that was sometimes
difficult to conceal).

"Ah," I said, trying to look wise.

"I see you know of whom I speak." Haldir shifted slightly. "You
may not understand the problem, however."

I could not imagine what problem he might have, however I attempted
to appear interested and yet disinterested at the same time, no easy
task I assure you.

"I will be frank," Haldir said, after the serving elleth had brought
his drink, fluttered her lashes, and departed once more. "This
elleth (Jane II) is infatuated with me."

"Hmm," said I, still trying to look unconcerned. "Is that a
problem?"

Haldir touched his goblet, staring at the dark red liquid
within. "It is in this case. She is not my type."

I stared at him incredulously. Haldir had a type? What type was
Jane II? She was female, was she not? What else could he want?

"She follows me around," he went on, looking as cool and unflappable
as he always did. "And I cannot return her interest."

My mouth fell open. "But she is lovely!" I protested.

He smiled, but seemed to choose his words carefully. "True. But
she is too eager, too innocent, too clingy, and too focused on what
she wants."

"What does she want?" I asked in true bewilderment. "I mean, I know
what she wants, of course. Kisses, caresses, and all that comes
with that."

"Lurien, if that were all she wanted, it wouldn't be a problem. But
that is not all. She (Jane II) wants . . . a mate."

I gaped at him. "You mean an eternal mate?" My bachelor/playelf
soul shuddered at the thought.

"Exactly." Haldir sipped his drink, his grey eyes meeting
mine. "And I am not yet ready for that."

I was not either, I had to admit. "So what is it, exactly, that you
want from me?" I asked uneasily. For there could be no doubt that
he wanted something; I could tell by the way he was looking at me.

Haldir smiled faintly. "You're a handsome ellon, fairly popular
with the ellith."

"FAIRLY popular?" I echoed. "I am extremely popular, my friend."

His smile grew. "So I hear." He then mentioned Jane I' by name;
apparently her tales had gone beyond female circles. He regarded me
with some amusement, although its cause was unclear. I would have
expected admiration and perhaps a smidgeon of envy, but no doubt he
felt these too and was simply concealing it.

"Well, then? What is it you want from me?" I queried with mixed
emotions.

Haldir leaned forward. "I thought you might be willing to help me
out. Attract her attention away from me. You could do the Eye
Thing on her, could you not? Is that not your usual method?"

"The Eye Thing?" I repeated in outrage. "My usual method?"

Haldir quirked an eyebrow. "Am I mistaken?"

"Haldir," I replied, maintaining my dignity despite the fact that I
was shocked to the core, "I have not employed what you call the eye
thing' in centuries; that was a method I used when I was young and
inexperienced (a very long time ago, as my readers can imagine).
These days such tactics are wholly unnecessary. Why should I resort
to such tactics? The ellith flock to my side. Have you not
noticed?"

"Hmm, well, I have heard you called Don Juan DeLurien a few times,
but I thought twas no more than a jest."

My nostrils quivered with indignation. "Have you not heard about my
interlude with (Jane I)?"

Haldir smirked. "Of course, Lurien. Everyone has."

"Does that not prove my prowess and popularity as a Lover
Extraordinaire? Or do you imply that she exaggerates?"

"Look," Haldir said, holding up his hands as if to beg
forgiveness, "I meant no insult. I only meant that you have the
necessary skills to help me out. I thought you might turn (Jane
II's) attentions away from me and toward yourself. You're a
handsome fellow. You'd know what to say to her. I do not. I fear
I might wound her delicate feelings, and I'd rather not do that."

His humble admission of incompetence in dealing with Jane II made me
feel slightly better. "I suppose," I said slowly, "I could attempt
to distract her away from you. A night with me would certainly aid
your cause. Indeed, how could she think of you after I have
pleasured her?" (I did not mean to boast; I was simply stating
facts as I'm sure my readers will agree.)

"Exactly what I was thinking," Haldir said heartily. "I knew I
could count on you, Lurien old friend." He rose to his feet as
though our business was concluded.

"Wait," I said. "There is one other detail we need to discuss."

Haldir looked at me quizzically and then sat down again.

"This has got to be a temporary arrangement," I pointed out. "I am
not going to marry her just to save your hide."

"No, no, of course not," Haldir agreed. "I was not expecting that."

"I need to keep myself free," I continued in my most dogged
manner, "for all the other ellith who desire me, not to mention the
mortal ladies who wish to enjoy my company."

Haldir nodded. "Naturally. That is my goal as well."

"You think I am safe?" I asked bluntly.

Looking pensive, Haldir drummed his fingers on the table. "Yes, I
think so. This elleth will learn that if she is attracted to you,
then I must not be the One for her. At the same time, she will
realize that you are not the One for her because she was attracted
to me. Make sense?"

I struggled with this for a moment, wondering if I should point out
that ellith were not always as logical as Haldir was
insinuating. "I suppose so," I said doubtfully. "But if this plan
fails, who will rescue me?"

"Rúmil," Haldir said with confidence.

"Oh?" I found myself wondering if Rúmil had it in him to turn (Jane
II's) interest away from me.

"Certainly. You can count on Rúmil if problems arise. I'll speak
to him myself."

"Very well," I agreed, as an alluring image of Jane II suddenly
arose in my mind, sending another part of me skyward. "She is
certainly a comely elleth. Have you . . . ahem?"

"Have I . . . ahem?" Haldir repeated, looking mystified.

"I was just wondering if she was . . . you know." What I actually
wanted to know was whether she was a screamer like Jane I, but my
natural delicacy and tact shied away from asking. I had hoped he
would catch on, but my hope was in vain.

"No, I don't know," Haldir said. He sounded amused.

I rolled my eyes, wondering how he could be so obtuse. "Have you
had her in your talan?" I asked, hoping my meaning was clear.

Apparently, this time it was, but his reply was unexpected.

"I have not had her at all, Lurien."

"Really?" I was astonished.

"I have no idea what she is like in bed."

"Are you not curious?"

"Not really."

I was flabbergasted.

"I did not feel it was right to encourage her in that respect," he
explained, "given the extent of her obsession with me."

I reached for my drink, which I had nearly forgotten, and took a
hefty swig. As the warm liquid rushed down my throat, I found
myself wondering just what I was getting myself into.

"You, however, may do as you like," Haldir told me benevolently.

"Well, thank you very much," I replied with a touch of sarcasm.

Haldir only nodded. Typical.

I hesitated, thinking this over, while a certain body part nagged me
with its own opinion. After a short deliberation, it and I reached
an accord.

"It is my opinion," I said, "that the elleth in question (Jane II)
will be far better served if I introduce her to the delights for
which I am so widely renowned. That will take her mind off that
other nonsense. She will lie in my arms, sated and delirious,
unable even to remember your face, my friend."

"I am sure you are right. Good luck, Lurien." And with these
words, Haldir finally took his leave, looking mightily relieved.

I sat on alone, staring into my drink while I pondered my mission.
I had agreed to help Haldir, therefore I would do so. Honor
demanded it. The Marchwarden, though adept with weaponry, seemed to
be far less skilled than I when it came to managing ellith. And
this situation clearly demanded skillful handling.

I could do it.

So it was that I set out that very evening to pursue and entice Jane
II. And that, dear readers, is another story. I will only say that
I successfully rescued Haldir without resorting to any eye
tricks'. My reputation as a Lover Extraordinaire remained
undamaged, and indeed had already preceded me, for it seemed that
Jane II had met up with Jane I, which meant that Jane II was already
curious about me.

And although I never kiss and tell, I will say that Jane II proved
to be highly melodious in her vocal emissions during the most
interesting moments of our lengthy encounter(s). Naturally I was
able to satisfy her every desire as only I, Lurien, can do.

There is only one small problem. I can find more combs than I know
what to do with.

But I cannot find Rúmil.