Title: Not For the Faint of Heart
Author: Lurien of Lórien, Sentinel Extraordinaire, Equal Opportunity Lover
Disclaimer: I, Lurien, know very little about this Tolkien fellow and do not own anything he might have created. I only own myself.
Characters: Lurien/OFC

Many of you will remember the previous tales I have shared with my gentle and adoring readers.

In 'The Missing Comb' incident, I had my comb stolen. The event was traumatic, but the lusty elleth who took it (Jane I) restored it to me before I was forced to report for duty with my hair in disarray. In turn, I obliged her with a 'quickie' that pleased her so much that even to this day she refers to it. We have had many encounters since then, I might add, but not all of them are quickies.

In 'A Temporary Arrangement', I agreed to assist my good friend Haldir with a problem (Jane II). Jane II was not a screamer like Jane I (a fact that Haldir never discovered for himself) but unfortunately she was a clinger. I eventually detached myself from her with the help of my good friend Rúmil. (He hid from me for days, but I finally tracked him down). In turn, Rúmil was rescued by Orophin. Someone else rescued Orophin. You can extrapolate from there, I am sure.

Of course my exploits with ellith did not stop there. Being Lurien, I continue to attract admiring interest from the various ellith I encounter. This suits me well, since I am always ready to enjoy the company of a willing female.

But I digress.

On the day of my next noteworthy adventure, I rose from my bed with a smile on my face, replete with the satisfaction of a night of passionate lovemaking. The beautiful elleth beside me (whom I will call Jane III since I do not kiss and tell) still slept, and I smiled reminiscently, thinking of how eagerly she had kept me 'up' all night, if you get my drift. I hasten to add that I, Lurien, was able to satisfy her every desire (repeatedly) as only I can do.

She slept on peacefully, a bewitching smile curving her lovely lips, and as I watched her I saw her murmur something in her sleep that I could not quite hear. I bent closer, curious to know what it was she was saying. Needless to say, I expected it to be something complimentary toward myself since I was Lurien and she was an elleth and we were together. It only made sense.

Instead, I heard something that shocked me to the core.

I drew back, eyeing her with disbelief. And then I heard it again, unmistakably.

"Yes, Haldir . . . yes, yes, yes," she murmured, in a kittenish voice.

I touched her shoulder to wake her. "It is I, Lurien," I said to her reprovingly.

Opening her eyes, Jane III smiled at me innocently. "Good morning, Lurien."

I replied to her greeting, then added stiffly, "You were dreaming about someone?"

"I was dreaming about Haldir," she replied, looking not at all guilty. "I dreamt he was making love to me."

"Indeed," I said coolly.

She stretched her arms and yawned. "Yes, it was wonderful. He is soooo good in bed."

"Indeed," I repeated, even more coolly. I really expected her to get the hint.

"Yes. He has this thing he does with his lips that drives me crazy--"

"Jane," I cut in, wishing to be spared the details, "need I remind you that it is I, Lurien, whose lips pleasured you last night. Do you not recall?"

She blinked at me. "Of course I recall, Lurien. Are you confused?"

"Am I confused?" Now I was really confused. "Why would you think that?"

"Did you think you were with something else?" she asked with a frown.

"I know perfectly well who I was with," I said peevishly. "I am not the one whispering someone else's name."

"I beg your pardon, did I whisper someone's name?"

"You mentioned Haldir," I said, my patience hanging by a thread. "Just a few moments ago. Do you not remember?"

"Well, yes, Lurien. I was dreaming about him. I did not whisper his name while we were DOING it. That would be different."

I sighed. Was I the only one with sensibilities? Apparently my point was entirely lost on this lovely but thickheaded elleth.

"You were in my dream too," she said coyly.

This comment was not entirely unwelcome, but I greeted it cautiously with an upraised brow and an "Oh?"

She smiled sweetly. "I was in bed with you both."

This was REALLY not what I wanted to hear at this hour of the morning. "Would you care for some oatmeal?" I inquired. "Or perhaps pancakes?"

"You don't want to hear about my dream?" Pouting a little, she sat up and let the covers fall to her hips.

I swallowed hard. "Not really," I said weakly. "Is it not . . . rather personal?"

"Oh, I don't mind sharing it," she assured me. She pushed the covers all the way to her knees and patted the bed beside her. "Come sit with me while I tell you."

What could I do but sit? The sight of her naked ellethly charms was having its usual invigorating effect on my elfhood, but I made no move to do anything about it. It was clear that I must listen to her dream first. I might as well get it over with.

"You were both naked," she began, "and you were both my love slaves."

"Jane," I interjected, "are you certain you want to tell me this?"

"I don't mind, Lurien. It is very erotic."

Not to me, I wanted to say, but I did not. Instead I gave her a feeble smile, an achievement for which I think I should receive a great deal of credit. My gentle readers should note that I have a large supply of forbearance, far more than I am often given credit for. (Even so, dear ladies, I could live without knowing the details of any erotic dreams that do not involve me.)

Jane slid her hand up my muscular leg. "First I let you both kiss my feet while I compared the size of your elfhoods and tried to decide which one of you I wanted first."

I stood up rapidly. "It was only a dream," I said. "It means nothing."

"It was VERY realistic," she countered. "Don't you want to know which of you I chose?"

"No," I said baldly. "I am hungry and would like my breakfast."

"I chose you," she announced, looking smug.

"You did?" I sat down again. "Really?"

"Yes, I did. You were my appetizer AND my entrée. Haldir was my dessert."

"Ah," I said, gratified to know that I had apparently outdone my good friend Haldir.

"I had dessert three times," she added blissfully.

I rose quickly to my feet. "Oatmeal or pancakes?" I asked. "I can make either equally well."

"And three appetizers," she added with a twinkle in her eyes.

I sat down again. "Really? How many entrees?"

"Four," she informed me. "You were quite worn out by then."

"And only three desserts," I mused, with a smirk at Haldir's expense.

"Well, you woke me up at the wrong moment, Lurien. He was just doing that delicious thing with his lips right against my--"

"Pancakes!" I said loudly, leaping to my feet. "I'm in the mood for pancakes!"

I felt a delicate hand wrap firmly around my elfhood (which was not behaving as though pancakes were what I actually wanted). I stood still and looked at her, trying not to appear as though I was about to jump her. After all, I am Lurien, and Lurien is NEVER desperate in the elleth department.

"Pancakes?" she repeated slyly. "I don't think so, Lurien. I'm in the mood for dessert not breakfast. You have no idea how much dessert I can eat."

I sat down again, smiling in what I hoped was a sophisticated manner. "Then show me, dear Jane."

"Oh, so now my little Lurikins doesn't want his pancakes?" she teased, trailing one of her slim elleth fingers down the center of my chest until she met a very large obstruction.

I leaned over and nuzzled my nose near her ear. "Little Lurikins can have pancakes later. Right now he'd rather have Jane."

She giggled. "I didn't tell you about another part of the dream."

I ran my tongue down her neck to her collar bone. "I do not need to hear it all."

"But I want to tell you," she insisted, rubbing her thumb against a part of me that was apparently unoffended by any of this. "This other part is what I would call the intermission."

"The intermission?" I repeated, at a profound loss for words. Did one have intermissions during dinner? Or during sex? "What did I do?"

"Oh, YOU didn't do anything," she explained. "You and Haldir just watched."

"Oh?" My mind leaped forward to form some rather provocative images.

"I was with Rúmil."

"Rúmil!" I repeated with outrage. I was shocked to discover I was shocked.

"He is so cute and clever," she explained. "And so extremely good with his--"

"Oatmeal," I said hastily. "I'm in the mood for it now, if you will excuse me."

Her blue eyes reproached me. "But don't you want to know what Orophin was doing?"

"OROPHIN?" I squawked, glaring at her. "Orophin was there TOO?"

She nodded prettily. "He was with Rúmil. They were both in bed with me while you and Haldir--"

"Watched," I supplied with my teeth tightly shut.

"Yes, you watched. And you liked it, both of you did."

"Jane," I said firmly, "I hesitate to disagree with you, but I really must protest. If I am with a naked elleth, I am disinclined to share her with anyone."

"Well, good," she said, thereby confounding me once more.

"Good?" I stared at her, completely stumped as to what might possibly be going on in her mind.

"Yes, good. I would not like it at all if you wanted to share me. I would find that offensive."

Even more confused, I debated whether or not I really wanted to understand, but the look on her face told me that if I (and my elfhood) wanted any more of her ellethly attentions, I had better show some interest. Unfortunately, by this time the conversational theme had uplifted me to a degree that was almost painful.

"Would you care to explain?" I said with resignation.

"Well, I would think you would just KNOW, Lurien," she said reproachfully. "It was just a dream, NOT something I want to do in real life. Don't you understand the difference?"

I stared at her speechlessly.

"Oh, never mind," she said with a sigh. "You ellyn are all so incomprehensible to me. All you ever think about is sex."

The injustice of this almost choked me, but I somehow managed to keep a straight face. "Forgive me," I said humbly. "If I think about such things, it is only because you are so beautiful and desirable that I cannot prevent myself."

"Really, Lurien?" she almost squealed. "Oh, that is just so sweet!"

I bent down and kissed her, convinced that I had successfully navigated all rough waters.

She returned my kiss briefly, then removed her lips from mine. "Would it bother you if I told you that the sons of Elrond were there too?"

"The sons of Elrond?" I said blankly.

"In my dream," she reminisced, sounding nostalgic.

Wonderful. The elleth who had been mine throughout the night had, in her dreams, been in bed with five other elves beside myself, a circumstance that was NOT flattering to me in the least. Dealing with Jane III and her dreams was not for the faint of heart, but I could cope with it. After all, I am Lurien.

"Jane," I said with a long-suffering sigh, "at this point nothing would bother me."

She touched my cheek with affection. "Lurien, you are so cute when you're annoyed. Of course it bothers you. It threatens your ego."

"My ego? What ego?" I was honestly bewildered.

"I have merely been teasing you all this time," she told me while pulling me down on top of her. "Did you not suspect?"

"You've been teasing me?" I stared at her, feeling extremely put out even while my elfhood settled into a hopeful and promising position.

"Yes." She grinned up at me, her dimples flashing. "I am sorry, but I could not resist. Will you forgive me?"

"Yes, but . . . are you saying you did not have that dream?"

She shook her head, her eyes dancing mischievously. "No, I did not. In fact the only elf I dreamed about was . . . "

She paused, and I waited, my breath held. Was she about to say my name? Or Haldir's?

"Lord Celeborn," she revealed, nipping me lightly. "I dreamt he had adopted a pet chicken and was walking around Lórien with it tucked under his arm." She burst out laughing at the expression on my face. "Silly Lurien, I am teasing you again. I dreamt of YOU of course. Now stop looking sulky and make love to me. Don't you want me for breakfast? I thought you were hungry."

My devoted readers need hardly be told that I, Lurien, eagerly and expertly (and with great relief) complied with her request with no further protestations or ado. While the workings of the female mind continue to elude me, in no other way do ellith perplex me. I know exactly what they like, and Jane III was no different in this respect. I am sure I need not mention (although I will anyway) that I, Lurien, completely satisfied her every desire, just as I had the night before.

I will also share with you, my adoring readers, that Jane III wore a most contented smile on her face when she finally left my talan. As I strolled leisurely through the city later that day, the admiring glances cast my way from every elleth I encountered suggested to me that Jane III had gossiped about my extraordinary prowess and stamina. This did not disturb me; I was used to it by now. The most important thing was that my reputation as a Lover Extraordinaire remained intact (not that there had ever been a moment of doubt).

Still, moments of that day were traumatic for me, prompting me to remind myself more than once of Jane III's confession that it was I, Lurien, who had filled her dreams (as well as other intriguing places) and NOT any of the other five elves. Again and again I told myself that she had merely been pulling my leg about her rather scandalous dream. I, Lurien, was her preference.

The only thing that made me slightly uneasy (and I feel sure you will understand and agree) is that this whole story took place on the same day that I saw Lord Celeborn walking around the city . . . with a chicken under his arm.

Honestly, it would make anyone nervous!

But that is a tale for another day.