Chapter 6

Rain has just begun towering in and my state of mind too morbid to even care. My whole heart is pounding and it still feels like I'm falling down from a tall building. I'm still waiting for that thump-

that hard landing. I want to come down from this high. I want to understand—everything. What am I feeling? Why is my heart feels like it's shivering? I stare out of the window, toying with my hair. An hour until school starts, I've been up since four am, the time Inuyasha snuck out of my window.

For once in my life, I am glad that my family decided to come home early. I don't want to be awkward, I don't want to know what it feels like to officially say goodb—would he have said goodbye? Would he? Would he just be like 'later, see ya. Nice sex by the way?' No. That's not Inuyasha's style. Inuyasha has been bred to finely to act like trash. So what? So what would've happened?

They say that virgins get all clingy to the one who they've lost their virginity too; I don't think I want that. Maybe I want normal but what is normal when we never been able to find a medium?

"Kagome!"

It feels weird, dragging my feet towards the door, I've always loved school and now I dread every second of it. I'm scared that somebody is going to look at me and know. I don't want to them to know. Not until I know myself. Knowing is beautiful but ignorance is just as beautiful. I close my eyes, buckling myself in the front seat, listening to the car's engine roar slightly. I just feel like roaring. I feel like screaming, I feel like crying, I feel light, I feel heavy. I feel everything which is so impossibly stupid it makes absolute sense. Since when things began making sense? All my life everything made sense. And now… it just seems 'sense' and 'good judgment' is withering away from me. I'm scared. I don't want to live without sense and predictably. I want predictable. I don't want the unpredicted. I'm so fucking scared. Jesus, what have I done?

Did I really do that?

Did I really lose my virginity?

Did I honestly moan his name throughout the night as his lips trailed down my shoulder blades?

Did I?

Did I do all of these things?

Things that are utterly sinful and looked down upon?

God, I was such a good girl.

Am. Am such a good girl. But how can I be good when I just—

I've done the unthinkable-

the unpredictable-

the shameful-

the sinful-

the awesomely stupid?

Did I?

But it was so devastating freeing. I felt, alive and felt like I had a reason to live. God, how could I have possibly not done this? How can I go on knowing that I was never alive until—

this

Is that possible? Am I going to become this nymphomanic?

No! I won't. I refuse. I close my eyes listening to the low humming of the radio, humming—

humming-

humming to me.I feel at peace with myself and suddenly—I hear it. I hear the low crackling of the music and the annoying deejay's voice talking over the song. I feel my heart pick up and my palms begin to sweat. Please, I do not need another problem. And sadly I don't know what the problem is or if there is going to be a problem but for some reason, the inside of me disagrees. It knows.

"Oh Kagome, this used to be our favorite song." My mom says, turning up the radio.

My ears perk as the radio begins to sing to me, "Should I stay or should I go, something tells me I should kno—"

"Turn that off."

"Kagome." My mom says in surprise, "Are you—"

"Turn it off." I snap, "Now."

My mom gives me an odd look before turning off the knob. The car fills with silence and that's okay because I don't know. Never in my life have I ever spoken like that. It was like this low rumbling volcano that was about to erupt. Where did that anger come from and why am I so angry? Is it because I don't know? I hate not knowing and I hate mysteries. I sigh, as I turn to my mom muttering a sorry before I jump out of the car, getting lost in a sea of students. Where is Inuyasha? And why would I care?

Because, I say to myself, you had—

I cannot even say it. I cannot even admit it to myself. And I enjoyed it!

What a hussy I've become. I enjoyed the deed with the unlikely guy. I switch my book bag to my right shoulder as I make my way towards the stairs. I feel paranoid as if everybody is watching and whispering 'that's the girl' even though nobody's eyes are upon me. It's just my paranoia speaking and I wish it would just hush. I cannot fathom the possibility of somebody whispering about—

Me…

I stare with my mouth open as Inuyasha flirts openly with Kikyou. My heart begins to beat faster and faster and faster until it explodes or it just becomes this one big THUMP. I cannot get jealous even though my eyes are already in slits and I'm already making my way towards them. What am I going to say? 'Hey, you slept with me, you're mine?' Inuyasha's a big whore anyway even though he was a supposed virgin.

"Hey? Kag-o-me?"

"Hi. Kikyou." I say with false cheer, "You look good."

I feel my teeth clench as Kikyou twirls around, obviously please with herself. She can jump off a bridge for all I care. For some reason it bothers me that Kikyou doesn't know that Inuyasha and I slept together. Sometimes I just want to whip that smug grin off of her face and just say 'Hah, not everybody in the world wants you.' And skip away happily. That sounds so appealing that it even scares myself.

"Thanks!" Kikyou smiles, "I just bought this outfit yesterday."

"Nice." No-body cares. I turn to Inuyasha, "How are you?"

He looks alarm, before cooling replying, "Amazing. I didn't get much sleep. You know how it is."

Bastard! "Really. I did. Slept like a rock."

"Really?" Inuyasha raises a single eyebrow, "I don't believe you."

My slits narrows more, "Oh really, do you want a cookie for that? Maybe a pat on the back and a congratulations? Or—"

"Kagome, are you all right? I never seen you act like a bitch." Kikyou says.

"When I'm acting like a bitch, I'll tell you until then I'm not being a bitch. Okay, thanks." I say as I begin to walk towards my class.

Stupid. Stupid. I'm not supposed to act jealous around Kikyou. I said to myself this morning that I am going to let her have him but I guess—did it change? 'Should I stay or should I—' Get out of my head! I turn the corner, flipping my hair to the side. I don't want to feel this. I don't like this feeling.

"What was that back there?" I arch my neck slightly as I continue walking, "Hello, bitch I w—"

"I heard you." I say coldly, "And good morning to you too."

"Cranky aren't you? Maybe I should've—" I turn around and glare, "Oh come on, you're acting like nobody is going to find out sooner or later. All the signs are there."

"What signs!" I yell, "Are you blind? There are no signs to read!"

"Whatever. If we keep on coming to school both tired and both drained doesn't that say something?"

I snort, "Excuse me? When did I say that we were going to continue 'this'?"

"You enjoyed it. Don't lie." Inuyasha looks almost cocky, "I've heard that I'm really—"

"Wait what? I heard you were a--?"

"Rumors." Inuyasha rolls his eyes, "Honestly, Kagome, did you really--?"

I look sheepish as my eyes look downcast. How could I be so stupid? Of course he wasn't. He was—the way he—ugh and his mouth—jesus, I feel like a certified pervert. I mean how could I be so naïve? Inuyasha is one of the most popular guy's at school. I am so stupid. So stupid.

"You did. Didn't you?" Inuyasha lowers his voice, "I'm sorry. I didn—"

"Nevermind that." I glance at him from under my eyelashes before I whisper, "Did you enjoy it?"

He once again looks surprise, "That's not the kind of thing you go around asking people."

"Did you?" I ask again, he nods before the bell rings, "I guess I'll get going."

"Ok." He nods again, "I'll see ya."

My whole body is trembling again. And for the life of me, I wish for a happy medium.

I wanted this long breathtaking chapter when after an hour of typing, I realized I wanted it to be done. I swear one of these days I'm going to spend more than 3 hours on a story and spend more than a day writing the chapters. I'm so bad at this. Sorry for the delay. School just started.