Hum
I twist my neck trying to loosen the muscles, to get them to give some. Its not working and my nerve endings are humming. I know he is in the room. No one has to tell me when I am in this frame of mind its like I have a sixth sense, or maybe I can smell him or something, but I know when he is near. I try not to think about the fact he is everything I should not want, everything wrong and bad for me. He isn't easy going, everything thing is an uphill battle with him, he is my dead fiance's brother, he is my boss and that just scratches the surface of the reasons for not wanting him.
None of them stop the hum.
I think he knows or can sense when I am having this reaction, though I am sure he doesn't read it for what it is. I think he chalks it up to PMS or bad moods or something. I work hard to make sure the frustration is funneled into appropriate jabs and hurtful remarks so as to get him off my six.
Some days I think he may guess, he gets that 'thoughtful' look. The one where it looks like he is trying to see into my head through my eyes. I wish he could, maybe he could explain this.
The feeling is like all of my nerve endings are on fire. Like an electrical current has taken up residence in my tactile senses and tissues. Like my skin is too tight. That is from his simple proximity. If he speaks, which is often the case before I make it plain he needs to leave me alone, his voice causes a drop in my stomach and a depressurization in my head, leading to a sick dizziness. I try to catch him before he talks, the tickle in my ear makes me giddy and I hate that part of me. If he gets too close, close enough to smell or feel the heat coming off of him, then starts the tremors, and the wiggly, achy, fluttery stuff in my torso that moves down until I can't bare it if he stays too close too long.
Frakking him doesn't fix it. The one time we tried it ended horribly and made this sensation even worse.
Talking to him, well as stated before, it causes its own cascade of problems but to discuss this would give him power so I can't take us there. I can't let him know. I am quietly afraid that this is some sort of sickness. That maybe something in me is broken and this is symptom.
It makes me want to cry. I don't cry. Not in front of people. Almost never alone either. Crying is for pussies.
Blind absolute need. Unbridled lust. Insatiable hunger for something deadly.
Not having him is killing me. Having him would also kill me. I am so totally screwed.
"Starbuck, isn't your shift over?" Damn it he didn't notice the set of my shoulders, he missed my slamming stuff around cue. I feel the disorienting drop in the pit of my stomach, and my eyes flutter with the emptiness within.
"Frak you, I don't need to explain myself to you.." Its more vicious and unwarranted than usual because the ache is more pronounced today.
He nods, knowingly and it is like throwing gas on a fire.
"What?" Ok now I just want to hit him to ease the wiggle I am getting in my hips because he is so close now.
"you need to go get some rest.." His voice is careful, concerned. It causes a whole new kind of wiggle.
"Frak…" I mumble to myself.
"You ok?" I can tell he couldn't help himself, he hadn't wanted to ask but it came out anyway and I feel sorry for him.
"What the Hell would you care?"
"Kara is this about the other day?" He has stiffened and I should have guessed he would think that.
"NO."
"are you sure?"
"we don't get to have this conversation Lee, we don't get to be those people, its not in the cards remember?" My spine feels like jello. My hands are shaking like a junkies. GODS I don't want him seeing this.
He moves right up to my back I can feel his breath on my neck. I feel all the tension, all the pain in the point where he is closest. It hurts. The little wisp of his warm breath on my neck is a bright spot of agony. I can smell him now and the waves of weakness commence.
"I am sorry Kara.."
"Don't, you don't get to say my name like that….you never get to say it like that. No more…please no more" I feel tears I know the deck crew is trying to find other places to look, they can't hear what we are saying but they know the drill. Starbuck is about to break…the Captain is about to have to scrape her sorry ass off the deck and drag her either to sick bay or to the gym to work this out. Damn it when did it get so frakked up?
"You are my friend …" it's a plea its heart wrenching in its gentleness and its sorrow. But I am buzzing like a chainsaw and if he doesn't back up I am going to implode. I hear the rustle of his flight suit as he moves to take my arm.
"Don't touch me…I can't take it"
His movements stop immediately and he steps back. The hum lessens slightly. I can hear him swallow, once twice, and I chance a look at him because I hate myself enough to try it.
His eyes are glassy and he is blinking hard. I see regret, much regret in his body language, in his frown, in his devastatingly blue eyes. I hate it. I hate that he regrets it. I wanted him to jump in with both feet, to let all the stupid shit go for a while instead, we will play this out through eternity. I want you, but we are too broken for it to work. Shaking, I move to leave and he stands still facing the viper I had been working on. I can see his shoulders sag slightly.
"I hate you…." I whisper. Swallowing tears, just like he is.
"I know…." His voice is so soft it makes my heart falter and want to stop.
"Meet me in the gym?" I try for anger, I get annoyance.
"5 min? " He sounds resigned.
"You better make sure you have a cup on…and your head gear.."
He laughs bitterly, there is no humor in it.
"Will it help you this time?" He is grinding his teeth and it makes my hair feel like its standing on end.
"Probably not…."
"Oh well, gotta try…see ya in 5"
"Kara..?"
I leave him to get my things, to prepare myself and because the hum is so loud I can't hear him anymore.