Chapter Ten: State of Mind

The inspiration, which I don't think that I have mentioned before, for the way that the wolf stuff is written, comes from the way that LadyBush writes her wofly scenes in her fantastic, kick-ass fic, Glam Rock, which, if you haven't read, you should do so ASAP. Like…after you finish reading this. It was my first RxS fic that I ever read, and I think that you can see some of the influences that she has on this story. It's absolutely brilliant and I just can't say enough about it. Please, take the time to check it out.

This is for Jen, who left such a full and beautiful and jolting review that I decided to post this. I was waiting until I finished the last chapter to post the last three, but I'll give you this one. It's another cliffhanger, I apologize, but it's quite lengthy. Thank you, darling Jen, for your lovely words – it is a writer's dream to move someone so emotionally – and I give you mine. And, since I think you'd like to know, I am planning about four more stories after this that belongs together. I've been writing a lot of pieces of fics offline that are waiting to be pushed together.

This is pretty much my favorite chapter in the fic, so I hope you enjoy it. Cheers!

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Remus sat on the edge of the bed, mentally trying to calm the tumbling in his stomach. He had nothing but boxers on, and his thin frame was covered in sheen of sweat. Only one more day… Remus thought in a daze, tightly gripping the blazing sun medallion that Sirius had gotten him. Then the full moon will set and the wolf will wane again… He shivered in the warmth of the room, willing himself into a state of normality before the rest of the marauders awoke. It was the same routine that he had every month, and it hadn't failed it him yet. His friends may support him all the way, but he wasn't about to let them see him weak when they didn't need to.

The approaching sunlight filtered through the curtains, staining the air in the dorm red. This encouraged his eyes to wander and the first thing settled on was Peter. Little Peter Pettigrew. A slight boy, Peter was always the sidekick, the one that was shunted out of the way when big things happened. He idolized James. Remus' eyes narrowed. James was in the bed across from him, mumbling nonsense and whispering in his sleep. That boy was a talented athlete, a brilliant and loyal friend, and someone who would go one hundred and eighty percent for you just because you asked. A precious boy, he was.

The light of near dawn shone in through the window, lighting a figure sprawled in the bed beside Remus'. Sirius slept on his stomach, his curtain of hair pooling beside him on the bed. It had been a harmless dare, in second year, to see how long Sirius could go without cutting his hair. Sirius had been a bit miffed about it at first, but eventually grew to like it. Now it was practically sacrilege to even come near Sirius with scissors. James had compared his hair care obsession to Lucius', but Sirius had shrugged it off, flipped his hair and stalked away.

Remus had only started his bout of rocking back and forth, when the owls started hooting. They were waking up; rustling their feathers and demanding to be let out. There was a sound like the trickling of water, and the magical goblets on the nightstands (spelled to fill with water for owner) sparkled as they filled with a cool liquid. The night fireplace blew out, house elves banking it, and the sun poured through the slit between the curtains.

"No…" Remus muttered, alarmed. "This is all wrong…" His schedule was mixed up…these things weren't supposed to start for another half hour… Where had his half hour gone?

Appalled, the young werewolf watched James wake up. The seeker grabbed at the night table, knocking over the goblet, and snatched up his glasses. Once the metal frames were fixed upon his nose, he stumbled out of bed, grabbed his towel from where it hung on the door of his wardrobe, and made for the door. He mumbled a sort of 'g'mornin'' at Remus and slammed the door behind him.

"Ohno-ohno-ohno…" Remus babbled quietly. He wasn't finished his ritual of calmness yet… He stopped rocking and started to trace his scars quickly, memories of how he got them hitting him like individual flashes. "Not done…not done…"

Peter got out of bed next, grabbing his clothing and dressing behind his curtains. He combed his hair neatly, made his bed, and then left for breakfast. James returned, dripping on the floor as he looked for his Quidditch practice clothes. Picking up his Refillable-Filling Goblet, he chucked it at Sirius, who only grunted and fell off his bed.

"Get up," James yawned.

"Mgnfhgh," Sirius said in reply.

James threw Sirius' Refillable-Filling Goblet at its owner. There was a loud clang and a muffled swear. "Quidditch final game, mate."

"Bloody morfngignsuhhghh…"

"C'mon…we can still catch an early prank if you hurry up."

Sirius grumbled, but sat up. He snatched up his towel from off the floor and left for the showers. James poked Remus' curtains, peering through the obscuring silk. "Moony? You up?"

"Yes." Remus ran his tongue over his teeth once. Twice. Three times. Once in the opposite direction. Twice. Three times. Then he checked with one finger.

"Meet you at breakfast?"

"Yes." Ears were normal. Fingers were normal. So were his knees, toes, elbows, nails, ankles—

"Peter gone already?"

"Yes." His name was Remus. Remus J. Lupin. He was a boy. A human boy. A crazy, but not furry, boy. He had a twin brother. Romulus. Romulus J. Lupin. He was a boy. A human boy. A twin, but not furry, boy. "Yes," Remus repeated, mostly for himself.

"See you, then." The door swung shut, but not closed. Remus couldn't be bothered to get up and fix it.

"I like tea," Remus said quickly, "And chocolate and caffeine and books and sunlight and mint and swimming and the smell of leather and the smell of smoke. I like muggle television, muggle game consoles, London, France, underpants-hahaha-, and I like watching Quidditch and having the occasional fag, and—"

"You smoke?"

Shit. Remus poked his head through his curtains. Sirius looked back at him, amused. He was towel-drying his hair, standing only in his black boxers. He still glistened with a sheen of shower water. Remus' eyes traced every inch of Sirius' skin before the boy retreated behind his curtains again. "Occasionally. Go away."

"I have a right to change in my dorm."

Remus shook his head. Almost done, almost done… "I don't like blood," he said quietly. "I don't like the moon, or silver, or howling or scratching or licking or biting or eating things raw—"

"What are you doing?" Sirius invaded his space by leaning in through Remus' curtains.

"I'M NOT DONE - GO AWAY!" He threw a pillow into Sirius' face, rolled off the bed and stalked over to the full-length mirror. Remus braced himself on the frame, pressing his forehead against the cool glass. He stared himself in the eyes without blinking.

"I am not yours, I am not yours, I am not yours…" He could see a defiant glimmer of gold in his gaze. "Fuck off. This body is mine. You can't have it." The glimmer flickered and then brightened. "No. It's sunny. I don't care. Bugger off. Not yours, not yours, not yours, not yours…" The gold flared and Remus slid to the floor, his stomach twisting sharply. "Bloody…no…not…yours…n…yours…yours…yours…"

"Remus!" Sirius hauled him up by the arms, tearing him away from the mirror. "What are you doing?"

Remus let his head fall backwards, finding it suddenly hard to breathe. "Making the wolf go away…" He had finished… "I'm…done…he's sulking now…"

"Sulking?" Sirius repeated. He picked Remus up and deposited him on his bed. Pulling a ribbon out of a bone-shaped box, Sirius tied back Remus' curtains. He opened the windows in the room, letting the owls out at the same time, and murmured a spell to stir the air currents. As an after thought, he pulled on pants and his Quidditch shirt before sitting down next to Remus. "Are you all right?"

"Peaches, love…" Remus said hazily, an unusual silliness leaking out. It was gone in his next shaky breath. "He does this to me 'cause I won't let him out, you know…" His stomach clenched and Remus curled into a ball. "He's such a child…"

Sirius combed Remus' hair with his fingers. "Do you want me to stay with you?" He asked.

"No," Remus said promptly. He stretched languidly, thoughts melting and reforming. "I'll be better later…" A notion to try and see his eyelashes struck him suddenly. "It comes and goes…always does…not unusual…"

Sirius unsurely stood, pausing only to lightly stroke Remus' cheek. Remus turned into the touch, loudly imitating a purring sound. "I'll drop in later," he said.

Remus nodded vaguely, saying, "Yes…I'll drop in later, too…" He promptly fell asleep.

Sirius, with one last worried look, grabbed his shoes, and left the dorm.

-et puis-
Ravenclaw had won the cup, but Gryffindor had won the game. The two houses were on good enough terms that, after an initial moment of confusion, they had all collided in victory hugs and cheers. Mixed parties went off to celebrate in various places, each hoping that they would not be found first.

James and Sirius were unlucky enough to get stuck in a group of rowdy seventh years who didn't care if they got caught or not (they were graduating anyway). McGonagall swooped down on their short-lived party and sent everyone back to their house commons.

Remus looked up from his table in the Gryffindor commons room. The two dark-haired marauders stumbled through the porthole excitedly, spotted him, and collapsed on the nearby couch.

"Won?" Remus asked.

"Yes, but not the cup," James replied.

"Pity."

"Not really," Sirius said breathlessly, "We at least like Ravenclaws."

"So?"

"It could have been Slytherin," James responded.

"Gotcha."

There was a silence. Remus flipped a page in his charms text, narrowed his eyes at it, and then turned another page. James, not having seen Remus' earlier display of eccentric-ness, squinted curiously at him. Sirius ignored it, starting to doze on James' shoulder.

James pushed at the tired Sirius. "Oh, go count sheep or something, will you?"

"Yeah," Sirius snorted. "Right."

Remus scribbled on the parchment. "I could go for a sheep, right now." He said absently.

There was a collective stare from the rest of the marauders, as he didn't expand on his comment. "What?" Sirius said.

The russet-haired boy looked up. "What?"

James shifted on the couch. "You said you could go for a…sheep…right now…"

"No I didn't."

"Yes, you did."

"No."

"Yes!"

Remus looked thoughtful, tapping his quill on the side of his face. "That doesn't sound like something I'd say."

"No," Sirius agreed. "It doesn't."

"Hmm." He went back to what he was doing. "You must be hearing things."

James and Sirius shared a glance. "Yeah," James said slowly. "I guess…" Remus nodded in reply, not really listening. Sirius frowned, staring intensely at Remus. The boy didn't notice, but rested his head in his hands momentarily. Sirius shot a worried look at James. The dark-haired boy nodded, and stood up.

"Well, the night is young." James said cheerfully. "Moony, have you seen Lily about?"

Remus rubbed his eyes tiredly, stretching his neck back and forth. "Library. Arithmancy essay."

"Then I bid you good night." James pretended to tip an imaginary hat, bowed, and then left for the aforementioned location.

Sirius sat down behind Remus, on the couch that the latter was leaning against. Brushing away feathery locks, Sirius pressed his fingers lightly to the back of Remus' neck, massaging the sore muscles. Remus blinked, but stilled under his touch. "How are you feeling?"

Remus stifled a sigh as Sirius made small circles with his thumbs. "I'm fine."

"Do you do…whatever you did this morning, every day?"

"The full moon is tonight." Remus said, by way of explanation.

Sirius' hands traveled to Remus' shoulders. He switched the subject, "Are you still thinking about the Easter moon?"

"No."

Sirius frowned, working the muscle on Remus' back. The boy bit back a moan and leaned forward. "What's wrong, then?"

"Moon's…almost full…" Remus forced out. His eyes drifted shut for a moment. "Bonte (1), that's nice, Padfoot…"

"Anything else bothering you?"

"N-ah…no..."

Sirius stopped, bending forward to talk into Remus' ear. "Are you sure?"

Remus sighed tiredly into the table. "Yes." He paused. "Don't stop…"

"Tell me."

"Sirius…" Remus exhaled slowly and decided to abandon his charade. "It's ridiculous, really."

Sirius's hands started to move again. "You've been writing to your brother a lot lately."

Remus stiffened. "So?"

The raven-haired boy slid his hands down to Remus' lower back. "I didn't mean anything by it…it's just that you write to him when there's something you won't tell us."

Remus sat up, turning to face Sirius. "Have you been reading my post?"

"No!" Sirius said, lifting his hands in a gesture of truce. "But we know that you don't tell us everything, but…he's your twin… And you've been writing a lot of letters in the last few months."

"I'm making up for the letters that you don't write." Remus said lowly.

Sirius's eyes narrowed, recognizing the discreet reference to his terrible family relations. "That isn't nice."

"That happens sometimes."

"Not with you."

"What's wrong with me being a little mean?" Remus demanded. "Am I the good boy? The perfect prefect? What is it, Sirius?"

Sirius leaned on his knees, keeping a direct gaze with Remus that was only a few inches apart. "You've been acting peculiar…the things you say, some of the things that you do, and we want to try and help you figure it out, but sometimes it's hard to approach you about those things."

"What things, in particular?"

Sirius raised an eyebrow, saying, "That sheep bit? You, this morning in the dormitory? Defence a week ago—"

"I get it." Remus interrupted.

"—Your nightmares…"

"I haven't the faintest idea what you're talking about."

"You wake up in the middle of the night, silently screaming sometimes. Shaking, growling." Sirius' gaze flickered, showing a moment of sadness, but then glossed over. "Crying."

"You watch me?" There was a slight tremble of anger in his calm voice.

"I'm worried about you." Sirius said bluntly. "The wolf seems—"

"Oh God…" Remus said abruptly, standing in the empty commons room. "You can notice it?"

Sirius stood as well, alarmed at the rush of emotion that Remus was portraying. The shorter boy hardly ever let anything 'ruffle his feathers,' let alone show what he was feeling, intensely. "Remus, it's not really-"

"Je ne savais pas que c'eatait si!"(2) Remus turned away from him, speaking lowly and quickly to himself. At that moment, Remus' pre-moon illusion of calm shattered like candy-glass. The boy rubbed his sun medallion through his shirt, muttering, "Je pensait que j'etais malade, si seulement j'avais su celui-la pouvoir voir lui…"(3)

Sirius spun him around by the shoulders. "Talk to me, Remus – you're babbling in French."

"Je detest le lupe de la lune!"(4) Remus yelled. "I hate the wolf!"

Sirius pulled him into his arms, holding the shaking boy as he sobbed dryly into Sirius' robe. "Remus…it's not you…"

"But it is, Sirius…" Remus said. "I've tried to deny it, reason with it, but…it is me…" He stared up at Sirius in despair. "And lately it's been even more so."

Sirius stared at him, horrified. Then he slapped Remus.

"Que faites-vous?" Remus blurted.

Sirius growled under his breath. "English, Moony. Remember English?"

The shorter boy fiddled with the clasp on Sirius' robe. "What are you doing…" Remus repeated quietly, looking at Sirius again. "I asked what you are doing." His eyes narrowed. "What were you doing, hitting me?"

Sirius pulled Remus close to him, again, fiercely holding him tightly. "Never say that you are the same as the wolf."

"But—"

"Never say that again." Sirius said sternly. "You're Remus Lupin. You're all those things you said this morning and you're plenty of things more than that." Sirius pulled away slightly so that he could look into Remus' face. "But not the wolf. Never the wolf."

Remus stared at him for a moment. Before he could blink, Sirius found himself tossed on the couch; Remus crawling onto him, a predatory gleam in his eye. "Not the wolf?" He straddled Sirius' lap, as the latter had done once, though under different circumstances, pressing Sirius into the couch. Sirius tried to sit up, but Remus just pushed him. The boy blinked up at his friend, hands trying to find purchase in the cushions of the furniture. Remus was strong.

Remus leaned over deeply, drawing his hands up Sirius' chest, nails dragging slightly. "Then why are my senses heightened? Why can I hear your heart pounding, or smell you, or feel how tense you are?" He lifted his face to Sirius' neck, ripping open the robe and shirt collar, and licking Sirius' jugular. "Why do I always want to taste you…?"

Sirius swallowed hard, but mumbled something.

"What was that?"

"Because you want me." He said throatily. "You want me. Just like I want you Remus, you."

Remus made a rough noise in the back of his throat, sucking on the skin at the joining of Sirius' neck and shoulder. Sirius smothered a moan, fingers tangling in Remus' hair. He inhaled sharply as Remus pushed his shirt open further, biting his chest hard. There was a stinging sensation, but Remus drew the broken flesh into his mouth, tasting Sirius' blood. Remus sat up, savoring the taste on his tongue.

"Maybe I'm not the only one who wants to taste you…" Remus purred. "Not at all…" Sirius shoved Remus off of him, shakily redoing the buttons on his shirt.

"Dammit, Moony…" He said, "You need help."

Remus crouched on the opposite end of the couch, face in hands again. "Afraid, Padfoot?"

"Yes," Sirius said, inching close to the other boy, "I need to help you find yourself again, Moony. Before you forget."

"I know who I am."

Sirius kissed him lightly on the head. "Not completely…you're blurring who you are."

"Leave me alone."

Sirius regretfully pulled back. "Night falls in an hour. Moon rises in two."

"I know that." Remus sighed, slipping back onto the floor. "I need to finish my charms notes." He picked up his quill again, reserved—as if nothing happened. Sirius looked at him sadly, but went to find Peter and pull James away from Lily.

"We'll meet you out there."

"Mhmm."

-et puis-

Three of the four marauders were crouched in the leafy surroundings across from the Whomping Willow. They were quickly splitting a buttertart, taking a quick snack for energy before the moon rose. The boys were standing up to leave, brushing crumbs from their shirts and hands, when rough footsteps in the grass drew their attention.

"Who is it?" Peter asked, peering between two thick branches.

James frowned, squinting into the dark. "It…I think it's Snape." The seeker swore softly. "What the hell is he doing down here at this time of night?"

Sirius contributed his share of cursing. "Snape…I forgot about him…" He pushed out of the brush, strolling over to meet the suspicious Slytherin. "Snape. See? There's nothing here. Now go back to the castle, you stupid idiot."

Severus sneered at him, spotting James and Peter climbing out of the bush. "I doubt that. Why else would you three be out here – without dear Remus?"

Sirius' eyes flashed. "Shove off, Snape. There's nothing here."

James tugged on Sirius' robe sleeve. "What's going on, Padfoot?"

"It's nothing."

Severus laughed wickedly. "Didn't even tell Potter?" His eyes shifted to the left slightly. "And the tree's still?"

"Severus!" James cried, as the Slytherin leap forward. "No!" Severus had already slipped under the branches and through the tunnel.

"How did he know about the tunnel?" Peter said impassively.

James spun on Sirius. "What—"

"I told him that if he wanted to find out what was going on, he could-"

"No…you didn't!"

Sirius nodded, leaping into the passage hole. "He was nosing about where he wasn't welcome, I didn't think he'd actually come-!"

"Of course he'd come! He'd leap at the chance to find out what we're doing out here!" James yelled, shoving ahead of him. "Snape could be killed!"

"Snape?" Sirius cried. "What about Remus?"

"Remus," James said grimly, "can take care of himself right now…"

-et puis-
Remus cried openly, but soundlessly as he felt the change come upon him. He could feel his bones creaking and cracking, sweat pouring down his face. Eyes blurred in and out of focus, the sharpness of everything becoming overwhelming. His ears felt like someone were pulling on them, moving higher on his head, hearing the pounding of blood in his own veins…the blood of a human. Thoughts were starting to become conflicted…why was the blood of prey in his veins? No. Not prey. Never prey. …Perhaps…prey? His skin was crawling over jutting contours of his body, sprouting fur and hair, and changing color. Had he been wearing clothes, they would have split and torn, but Remus had learned long ago that he saved robes by being naked. Nails lengthened and sharpened, and his legs forcefully pulled as they changed the way he was to stand and run. His face narrowed and twisted, teeth pushing through the gums, nose and mouth forming into a snout. A tail thrust out from the base of his spine and Remus slowly lost contact with his consciousness. Terror faded and apprehension disappeared and suddenly Remus was gone.

The boy-mind was gone. The wolf lifted his head to the window, howling as the moon shone down on him. Where were they? Where was his pack?

'Prongs. '

Where is he?

'Padfoot?'

'Wormtail?'

Shuffling in the shadow. The door is pushed open.

A boy. A human. Blood.

'I can smell it…hear it.'

Blood.

'I want the blood.'

I have to attack him – tear him, bite him! Lap up his warm blood! Do it… I want to do it… Been trapped too long. Too many temptations… Growing…need blood to grow…

Another boy! Why does he blur like that? Eat! BITE!

'Moony – STOP!'

'Padfoot! Why do you interfere? Let me taste them! I haven't had blood in many moons… Let me go!'

'Moony, I can't let you do that!'

'GET OFF! LET ME GO!'

'Moony, please!'

Padfoot! I don't want to hurt you!

'I won't!'

'LET GO! I don't want to-

Blood…

'Man-children are gone. GONE, Padfoot.'

'Please Moony, you can't eat humans—'

'I WILL have blood!'

'What are you-Moony, no!'

Bite! Snarl and tear!

'You denied me the blood of the man-children!'

'M-moony, please…'

'I'm so hungry, Padfoot. Why did you do this?'

'M…oony…'

'Get away from me! Why have you betrayed me? I can't…'

'No, you can't go out there…'

Claws digging into my fur – grabbing me, restricting me…

'Let me go!'

'You can't g-'

'GET OFF OF ME!'

Suddenly Padfoot is very light. I throw him without effort. He lets out a yelp as he hits the wall, and he just lies there on the ground. Just…lies there.

'Oh… I'm sorry…'

For once, he doesn't answer – only unevenly blinks at me, sliding to the floor.

'Good-bye for now, Padfoot. Bye-bye.'

.
1 -Goodness
2- I didn't know it was this bad!
3 - I thought that I was ill, had I but known that you could see it…

4 - I know that it he says that he hates the wolf, but literally translated, it means he hates the 'wolf of the moon.' It's almost the same thing, but usually translated 'lupe-du-la-lune' means werewolf. 'Je detest le lupe' is 'I hate the wolf,' but… French and English aren't usually the same when translated. I dunno why…it must be because English is so whacked or something…

And we finally 'see' Remus transform. … ; . ;