Chapter Five

Tara helped Willow clean up and got her in the bed. She then got her a nice hot cup of tea to help her relax. She found herself torn knowing that Willow had killed a big part of what they had, a part Tara was realizing would never come back.

She loved Willow and always would but that desire to be with her, hold her, kiss her and spend all her time with her was slowly dying. Tara feared what would happen once she and Willow had this discussion and knew now was not the time. Nor was it the time to break the news to her because of her current mental state. "Willow, we can get you the help you need to beat this dark magic. You are a good person Willow and I know you can do this." Tara said as she refrained from rubbing Willow's cheek. Part of her did want to hold and comfort her but she feared she would fall back into something with Willow to try and keep her sane. She knew this would be the wrong move too.

"You're all the help I need Tara," Willow said tiredly as she closed her eyes. "Could you just hold me please?"

"Of course," Tara stammered not knowing quite what else to do. She wanted to comfort the woman but as she held her in her arms she could feel a difference.

She felt as if she were holding a broken friend in need of serious comfort. She felt as if it were a duty as someone who cared rather then a want of a lover to comfort. As Willow slept, Tara wept for the love she now knew was lost to her. Magic had taken it all away and this disgusted her so much she felt as though she'd never want to ponder doing another spell.

Tara wondered how this all happened knowing it was because of Willow's careless attitude when using magic but couldn't bring herself to blame the woman. In fact, she found herself searching for reasons to blame herself for the entire mess. She and Willow had a love that most couples only dream of, a love that one would think would last forever but just like that, it was dying and it broke her heart.

- - - - - - -

Early that next morning Tara slipped out of bed and went out in the front yard for some fresh air. She had barely slept the night before and wanted to try to get herself revived with some fresh air before the others realized what a shape she was in. Willow was the one in need of help and Tara planned on sucking her own troubles up until Willow got that help. She was never one to let her problems upstage those of another person and it wasn't going to start now.

What she wasn't counting on though Was that Buffy already stood outside looking at the early morning sky. "Hey Tara," the slayer looked at her with concerned eyes. "You don't look so hot."

"I don't feel so hot but I'll be fine." Tara said determined to not show her hurt.

"So um, how is Will?" Buffy asked watching the body language of the blonde witch to try and gauge her mental stability.

"I'm afraid she's going to need more help than we can give her," Tara said with a frown on her face.

"She's got you Tara," Buffy said as she felt a pang deep inside. "You can get her through anything. You have me without even trying."

"That's just it Buffy," Tara sat down on the step. "I couldn't get her through it," before she could stop them, the tears began to fall. "I tried so hard and I couldn't, my love wasn't strong enough I guess and now she needs my love more than anything and I want to give it to her but it's just not there now."

Buffy was taken aback slightly having never seen Tara talk so much at once. She felt hurt for the sobbing woman whom she quickly wrapped up in her arms. "It's all right Tara. You can't help what you feel or don't feel. Life pushes us to feel things we don't mean to feel sometimes," Buffy was speaking to Tara regarding her feelings towards Willow but was beginning to understand that she was speaking of herself too. She knew she was fighting the notion of having feelings for this paragon of goodness and it made her wish she had stayed that cold emotionless slayer.

"I know that if I did go into a relationship with Willow now, it would only hurt her in the long run." Tara began trying to pull herself together which she was finding easy to do in the arms of the slayer. "She would hold me there out of fear; fear that if I left magic would take over her again like she couldn't stop it without me."

"Are you sure that's not already happening?" Buffy asked wiping the tears from Tara's face. "I know you want to help Will but are you afraid that if you tell her the feelings are going away, she will slip into some sort of magic dark thingie and not get out?"

Tara looked up at Buffy knowing that was partly the truth. "I want to help Willow, I really do but because I care as a friend not a lover. Willow won't let me help her any other way than a lover I'm afraid. I didn't kiss her last night but I held her and the desire for her wasn't there." Tara stammered out trying to stop herself from crying again. "Buffy part of me wanted it to be there because I know no matter what Willow has done, she loves me with all her heart and I know I could never find someone who would care for me like that again. Then the other part of me, well it's all messed up. I just don't know anymore."

Buffy wanted nothing more at that moment then to tell Tara just how much she had helped her and how, though she didn't know the extent of them, she was getting feelings for her. The more sensible part of Buffy however, knew that was not the right move to make and probably never would be. "Tara I'm here for you and I'll help you however I can," was all she could think to say.

Neither woman saw Xander spying on them from around the corner. He sympathized with Tara greatly but knew his friend needed help in a bad way. He also knew if she didn't get help before she found out she had ruined her relationship with Tara forever, she would go off the deep end. One more thing he knew was she needed help from someone who had been in her shoes and was going to see that she got that help no matter what he had to do.

"Tara!" Dawn's shouts from the house made both women jump to their feet. "Willow is in a bad mess, she needs help."

- - - - - - - -

Tara raced up the stairs to the room she shared with Willow as Buffy trailed behind. As she went inside, Buffy decided to stay outside and watch. "Willow," she said softly.

Willow was lying in the bed having, what appeared to be convulsions. Beads of sweat dripped down her face and she was white as a sheet. "Willow," Tara said again and gently touched the woman's arm. "It's all right Willow."

Buffy watched the goings on and her heart did ache for Willow. The magic had destroyed her once bubbly vibrant friend and there was nothing her slayer gift could do to stop it. She noticed that the convulsing seemed to calm at Tara's touch and soothing words. This both made her feel glad and sad because of her own feelings for Tara. She knew, upon witnessing this, she could never do anything to jeopardize Willow's recovery and telling would do just that. She began to think maybe Tara did still love Willow and all that had happened was clouding her thought process. 'The duty of a slayer, sacrifice happiness for the good of the world.'

As she turned to go down stairs she heard Dawn yelling at Xander. It was something about, why are you leaving now and for at least two days. Buffy couldn't figure that one out either but decided a short nap was better than trying.

Meanwhile Tara sat with Willow watching the woman calm down just by her presence. This pained her heart deeply knowing what she knew about her feelings. "Tara," Willow said in a frail voice. "I wish I never knew a thing about magic because then I would have you completely and I'm afraid I'll never have that again. I don't know what I'd do if you weren't here with me Tara."

"I'm right here Willow." Tara said but was careful to avoid the bulk of Willow's statement, and wondered if the time ever would be right for her to tell her. She knew that if that time came, it would be the most difficult thing she had ever done next to going through her mother's death. Once upon a time, she couldn't imagine herself with Willow, now she wondered if she would ever be free.

- - - - - - -

Xander Harris sat in a room waiting. He was about to do something he never, in his wildest dreams, thought he would do. He wondered if he was doing the right thing or if this was out of desperation to get his friend help and Tara released from the obligation of doing it all though he knew she'd continue to help. Tara was like that and he loved that quality about her. She had qualities most people lacked, the main one being selflessness. He knew she'd stay unhappy with Willow for an eternity if that is what it took to keep her from going off the deep end and nobody should have to do that. He shook his head thinking, who knows, once this is all over and Willow is better Tara will be able to heal and love her again.

His time for musing had ended though, it was now or never as the dark slayer was lead into the room by a prison guard.