Juhani Can't Fly

A kind of WTC time-passer. Very AU, very stupid, kinda fun. LSF Revan/Carth ending... kind of.

Rated PG13 – Safe is better than sorry.

Disclaimer: I have disclaimed.

Juhani Can't Fly

"Come on, Cortessa! Jump!" Mission screamed over the roar of falling rocks and heaving lava. "You have to make it! Come on!"

Ash, dirt, and debris fell through the air, threatening to crush the crew as they waited on the other side of an increasing gap. Lava spurted up and threatened to catch their toes, but still they stood on the edge of the crevice, reaching their arms out to their friend.

Dust stung Mission's eyes. Heat seared her skin. They couldn't last much longer in there. HK-47 and T3-M4 had already left, to ready the ship for takeoff.

In fact, only half the crew was over the gap in the ground. Canderous, Mission, Juhani, and Jolee had made it across while it was still just a tiny crack, and Juhani had thrown herself over it while it was still growing. Cortessa, Zaalbar, and Bastila were left on the other side, straining to hold up Carth, who had been knocked out by a falling rock.

"We're going to toss him over!" Cortessa shouted. "Catch him!"

"Are you NUTS?" Mission shrieked.

In unison, Cortessa and Bastila Force-pushed Carth across. Canderous caught him, looking revolted. He handed Carth to Jolee, who quickly dragged him away.

"JUMP, DAMN YOU!" Canderous bellowed.

Bastila backed up and sprinted, speeding herself along with the Force, and overshot the gap, landing clear on the other side by the entrance. She kept on running. Mission, wheezing, followed. Zaalbar jumped after her, making it easily to the other side, and took off at Mission's heels.

Cortessa was left with an irritated Canderous.

"Come on, you! COME ON!" Canderous barked, motioning his arms angrily.

Cortessa ran and jumped…

And missed.

Screaming, she plummeted into the crevice, just as lava rose up to meet her. Canderous dropped and grabbed her by the collar, hoisting her back out at the last second. Her toes were scorched, but she was unharmed.

Canderous didn't bother to set her down .He ran, holding her in his arms, back to the surface. The air slapped them icily in the face. All over a web of lava-spouting cracks had split over the surface of the planet. The bottoms of Canderous's shoes were melting. The ground shuddered dangerously beneath the Mandalorian's feet as he ran to the Ebon Hawk.

Mission ushered Canderous inside and they took off.

Juhani's voice roared over the intercom. "Hold on tight, my companions! This is going to be rough!"

The engines roared and the ship lurched into space. Juhani punched hyperspace early and Cortessa was thrown against the wall. Canderous rolled after her, followed by Mission, sliding on her bottom. The engine screamed, and the comm. accidentally clicked on, allowing the crew to hear Bastila's frantic scream.

"WATCH OUT FOR THAT ASTEROID, YOU FURRY WENCH!"

The ship lurched to the left, then to the right. Cortessa scrambled to a window and looked out as the planet faded red behind them.

Then the planet exploded.

Cortessa was again thrown the ground. The ship rattled dangerously and finally spun out of control.

Mission was screaming down the hallway. T3 rolled down the hallway backwards, blatting frantically, as the ship rolled onto its side. Cortessa rolled as well, slamming into the wall, and the wind was knocked from her. She ship jerked and lurched awkwardly. Something heavy slammed against the wall by Cortessa's feet.

"I GOT IT! LET GO OF ME!" Juhani could be heard shouting over the intercom.

"HAND IT OVER!" Bastila cried. "YOU'RE DONE!"

There was a horrible hiss. Bastila squealed and the jerking stopped.

The intercom fizzled and Juhani's voice came through – breathless, but calm. "I am fixing the stabilizers. This will only take a moment." She turned the intercom off correctly this time.

Bastila's shriek could be heard down the hall without the intercom now. "WATCH OUT!"

The ship flipped onto its back. Cortessa screamed and rolled out of the way as a footlocker dropped down in a violent attempt to crush her. She jumped to her feet, gasping for breath, and ran into the main room. Zaalbar lay on the floor, looking irritated as Mission clung to his fur for dear life, sobbing. Her headtail was split wide open and was bleeding profusely, and something had mangled her leg, but she was still alright compared to Jolee, who had been struck in the head with something or other. He had been knocked out, rather like Carth himself.

"Okay, that's it, you're done! Pull over!"

Cortessa looked up at that voice. "Carth?" she asked, frowning.

"Yeah," Canderous growled from the floor – or was it the ceiling? "He just woke up."

"No, Carth, I have it!" cried Juhani.

"You're done. Let go."

"No!"

"Juhani."

"Carth!"

"Juhani, stop it."

"NO!"

"Juhani, I think you should listen to Carth."

Carth and Juhani spoke in unison. "Shut up, Bastila."

"I was only trying to help."

"Well, you're not," Carth replied. "JUHANI IF YOU DON'T WANT TO BE SPAYED RIGHT NOW LET GO OF THE DAMN SHIFT STICK!"

There was a gust of wind as Juhani tore down the hallway, snarling and growling.

The ship flipped right-side up, and Mission and Jolee were sent to the med-room, where Canderous and Bastila tended to them. Carth was randomly spouting status reports over the intercom.

"Oh, and there's blood all over the consol," he said in a pleasant way, but it was in sarcastic irony. His voice crew cold and angry. "Where is Jolee?"

Canderous jabbed the comm. button. "Out cold."

"Well, fix him. I need him in here."

"I'll help you out, Carth," Cortessa said.

"No, that's fine, Cortessa."

"No, really," she replied, and skipped up to the cockpit.

Carth looked up, frowning. "I said no," he told her in a sulky voice.

Cortessa halted, her eyes going wide. "You're bleeding."

"Yeah," Carth said, showing her his hands, which had also been stained red with blood.

"Let me see."

"No, wait –"

She stepped forward and grabbed his head. He flopped like a fish on a line, but she held tight. She looped an arm around his neck and pressed him against her chest so that she could see his wound better. He started yelling, but his voice was lost in her robes.

"Look's like it's just a cut from a rock," she said. "Hold on." She released him and he threw himself backwards, his face beet red, his face twisted with embarrassment and frustration. Cortessa grabbed a medpack and handed it to him. "Put that on, it'll do you good." She paused, picking off a piece of rubble from his hair.

"Aw," came a voice from the door. Both turned and stared as Juhani leaned against the door frame. "That is touching."

Cortessa pounced at her. The girls wrestled on the ground, shrieking and screaming.

"I'LL KILL YOU, YOU CRAZY CAT WOMAN!"

"I DIDN'T MEAN IT!"

"YOU'LL NEVER HAVE ANOTHER KITTEN WHEN I'M THROUGH WITH YOU!"

"I DIDN'T MEAN IT, CORTESSA!"

"DIE, HARLOT! DIE!"

Juhani gave a weak scream. Canderous sprinted into the room, followed by Jolee.

Carth stared. "I thought you were out," he said to the latter.

Jolee shrugged. "Heard a girl fight. That kind of thing can pull any man out of his sleep."

Carth shrugged as well. "Good point."

Juhani cried out. "Ouch! Ouch! Quit it!"

"WHY WERE YOU WATCHING US, HUH?" WHAM. "WHY WERE YOU WATCHING US, HUH?" WHAM.

"You're nuts, Cortessa!" Carth cried. "Stop it!"

"YOU WANNA GO NEXT, FLYBOY?"

Juhani screamed.

Canderous shuddered.

And because no one was at the controls, the ship crashed into an asteroid.

And everyone died.

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The End

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Author's Notes: Yeah. I thought this was too amusing to leave in the trash so… here you are. I had originally meant to have an actual fanfic (as you can tell at the very beginning), but it just kind of crumbled and I gave up. XD I hope you like it… Eh.