Disclaimer: I don't own Advent Children, Ralph Lauren, or FF in anyway, shape or form.
Luna: I recently saw Advent Children and LOVED IT. But there was too many things in it to poke fun at and I just couldn't resist. So be a dear and leave a review! And I appreciate constructive criticism, not flames. This is co-written by my friend, Kat; and her severe Kadaj issues…Anyway, Enjoy!
Chapter1: Of Silver haired, metro sexual men and dramatic depressive blondes.
Seprioth's form was shown, fire blazing all around him.
" Once upon a time, there was an angry, silver haired, metro sexual man," said a little girl, " He summoned a shiny fire ball to destroy the world."
Suddenly the screen flashes to Tifa, Cid and Red.
" Then people stopped him. There was Tifa, scantily clad but could kick the ass of any grown man, Cid; who enjoyed smoking and booze and fluffy, woodland Red. Aww…fuzzy Red…"
Next, Cloud is shown fighting the Metro sexual male.
" This is Cloudo, the dramatic, depressive blonde. Many battles were fought. And after was much sadness."
The next slide shows Cloud dumping Aeris' body into a stream.
" Even someone I really liked died…sister, who I knew for exactly 10 seconds."
Meanwhile…
Marlene was by her sick friend, Denzel's side.
" Denzel!" she screamed.
" What?" asked Denzel, now wide awake.
" Sorry…is the Geostigma gone?"
She pointed to his arm, and he blinked.
" No. That's just some dirt," said Denzel, quickly brushing it off, " Its on my head."
" Oh…Please don't take Denzel away!" said Marlene, to the air.
Denzel gave her an odd look, " Huh?"
" What?"
"…Okay then."
Meanwhile…
7th Heaven bar was empty, as usual. Since everyone was infected with the Geostigma thing, you'd think that they would of wanted to go to a bar and get piss drunk so they could die happy. But of course not.
So Tifa was bored, aimlessly pacing the floors.
That's when the phone rang.
" Cloudo's not here." said Tifa, to the air.
The phone disagreed. It rang some more, so Tifa ran to it and picked it up and screamed, " Listen, you damn telemarketers, I don't wanna switch to a family share plan! Those orphans aren't exactly my kids anyway, and Cloudo's so damn platonic that I won't be having any anytime soon-"
She paused in mid-sentence.
" Reno! Of course I remember you! Kicked your ass a couple of times, along with the quiet bald dudes'. Hello? Hello!…That's funny…must've got disconnected." said Tifa, with a shrug.
So Tifa began dialing Cloud's-er, Cloudo's number.
Meanwhile…
Cloud was riding around on his motorcycle, randomly. He stopped the bike when he saw an old buster sword wedged in the sand. He ran his fingers along it and said, " I said that I'd live for your sake, too…By taking your hairstyle, weapon, old girlfriend and identity; but…"
Cloud trailed off, remembering Zack.
" Hey! I'll look out for you, too!"
" Cloudo, did you just fart?"
" Are we going to Midgar?"
" RUN, CLOUDO, RUN!"
Cloud's phone interrupted his meaningful flashback of his currently dead best friend.
" Cloudo, are you okay? Anyway, remember Rufus? He said he got a job for you but be careful-" said his phone message.
He began to wonder why the hell everyone added 'o' to the end of his name. That was partially why he would drive off on what he called, 'brooding sessions.'
Far away from our depressed, bruteing blonde man was 3, silver haired, metro sexual men.
One was delicate and feminine-like, with soft, flowing, silver hair. Upon seeing him, many men questioned their sexuality. His name was Yazoo. Yazoo liked twirling his fingers in his hair.
The second was Kadaj. The youngest, with sever mommy issues, and the top on Kat's 'Must Molest' list.
The third was the easily over looked, least sexy, less interesting Loz. But to add some spice to this crybaby, we'll call him 'Log'. Why? Well, why not?
" Kadaj, do you think Mother's there?" asked Yazoo, staring at his hair.
" Don't…cry, Yazoo!" cried Log, tears already streaming.
Log was ignored.
" Probably," said Kadaj, and silkily pointed to Cloud riding his bike, " Oh look, its our Brother."
" You know…" said Yazoo, " He really looks nothing like us. He's blonde, less feminine, and-"
Kadaj cut him off.
" I meant because of the cells, baka."
" Stop crying Yazoo!" said Log, wiping his eyes, " You really…have to stop!"
Once again, no one paid him any mind.
" Let's go after him!" said Yazoo.
The feminine metro sexual male and the crybaby metro sexual male sped off on their bikes, leaving the younger, hotter metro sexual male behind.
The 2 some caught up to Cloud, and opened fire.
" Where's mother!" he demanded.
Cloud blocked the bullets with his huge ass sword and gave him an odd look.
" STOP LYING!" hollered Log, " Or you'll make Yazoo cry!"
" I didn't say anything." said Cloud, dryly.
" Well? WHERE'S MOTHER!" demanded Yazoo, again.
Cloud accelerated, slashing at them; and the random monsters that seemed to come out of the air.
Yazoo managed to get a clear shot of Cloud, and shot his sun glasses off.
" No! My Ralph Lauren sunglasses! HOW COULD YOU?" asked Cloud, in shock.
That's when all the monsters decided to dog pile on him. Just when Cloud was about to be a smear on the road, they all disappeared. And Yazoo and the other metro sexual male sped off.
Cloud stared, dumbly.
" What the hell…?"
Kadaj was on his cell phone, still on the cliff.
" Stop yelling at me!" Kadaj yelled, " Where's Mother! Tell me, or I'll have a temper tantrum!"
Cloud was holding his broken sunglasses, ruined beyond repair.
" Whether it be friends, family, complete strangers or sunglasses, I can't save anyone." whined Cloud.
So he got back on his bike and drove in the direction of Rufus' headquarters.
Luna: Done! REVIEW! Next Chapter: Of Tifa whupping Log.