Gifts and Curses
By Todd Fan
Disclaimer: "That's why we've combined dessert, and objectifying the human body. In one easy cake mix: Cake n' Shake! A real exotic dancer included!"
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Chapter 34 – Hens and stags
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The weeks passed, and soon it was the night before Todd and Sidney's wedding….and the night of the respective bachelor and bachelorette parties. As seen as Freddy had been grieving after Rosemary's death, Ace had stepped in to help him with best man duties…namely sorting out the stag night.
Todd made a mental note not to allow this to happen to anyone ever again. Ace had dragged them all to a bar he called 'Harry's Bigger Brother' and had been grinning and making comments about the entertainment all night. (1)
"All we have to do is wait for Bobby and the misery squad and we're set to go!", he grinned, rubbing his hands together.
"Bring on the strippers, damnit!", said Shan, "I'm bored, and not nearly drunk enough yet"
"….What the heck did you give her?", asked Kyle from the corner of his mouth.
"Oh, I've been switching her double vodkas and cokes for triples when she wasn't noticing", said Ace, "everyone needs to lighten up. Especially Toad, he's looking greener than usual"
"He's getting married tomorrow", said Lance, "what do you expect"
"I'm lookin' forward ta getting married", protested Todd, "ta an equal partnership with the woman I love"
"HAH!", laughed Scott, then looked around as he was stared at, "….did I do that out loud?"
"What?", blinked Todd, "what's so funny"
"Take it from a married man, it's not equal. Ever", said Scott, "You know they say the female of the species is more deadly? Well, truer words were never spoken"
"Oh come on", said Pietro, "you're only comparing your own wife"
"Storm handcuffed Forge to his infirmary bed by his good hand to stop him trying out his new leg, because he has to 'recover'", said Scott pointedly.
"Forge is more whipped than cream", said Todd, "he doesn't count"
"Fine, don't believe me", sniffed Scott, "you'll see….oh yes, you'll see"
He gave a sob.
"It's so nice to be married", he said, then proceeded to cry in his tumbler.
"…..More whiskey for my Optic Friend!", shouted Ace. (2)
"Who invited him again?", blinked Terrell.
"I invited almost everyone", said Ace proudly, "well…every guy and Shan"
"Everyone?", grimaced Todd.
"Yep!", grinned Ace, "well….minus Doug, who's with Sidney, …and the alien.. who's staying with his dad"
"And the Morlocks", said Rictor, "and Cannonball…and Nightshift"
"Sewer people only want to be at the wedding and reception", said Ace, "Nightshift don't want to know us, and Cannonball is out…doing whatever werewolves do on a full moon. Probably getting jiggy with the she-werewolf, if I was in his place"
"Roberto said 'no' too", said Ray, "he's just gone to Brazil and refused to talk to anyone"
"Considering he cheated on his girlfriend to sleep with the alien chick…"Ace trailed off, "alien chick. I bet that was cool. I wonder what that's like…"
"Ask Doug", smirked Kyle, "I'm sure he'd tell you"
"…I'll pass", said Ace, grinning as he saw Bobby enter, dragging Kurt along behind him…by his tail.
"Don't vanna!", whimpered Kurt, making a desperate grab for the doorway.
"The first step to getting over your troubles is having a good time", said Bobby.
"I thought the first step was admitting something was wrong", said Bobby's pocket.
Bobby sighed, pulling Shortpack out of his pocket with his free hand.
"Okay, let's keep it simple, we are here to have a good time"
"Why am I here, exactly?", asked Shortpack, "I don't know either the bride or the groom that well"
"Because you're only a year older than Lance and Scott, and yet never, ever, ever go out", said Bobby, "you're stuck in that dusty mansion all day, and wasting your youth"
"……That's because when I go out, people tend to tread on me", muttered Shortpack.
"We'll keep you on the table then", said Bobby, heading over to the group, still dragging Kurt along, "I come bearing elves and midgets"
Ace grinned, squinting at Shortpack.
"Wow, you really are tiny!"
"Really?", asked Shortpack dryly, as he was deposited on the table, "I never noticed"
"Sorry", shrugged Ace, "I thought your name was ironic, like Little John" (3)
While this was happening, Kurt had been attempting to pull his tail out of Bobby's grip.
"Hey, the blue rat-guy is trying to escape", said Rictor.
Bobby rolled his eyes.
"Kurt, you're staying", he said, "you'll thank us later"
"Not bloody likely", muttered Kurt under his breath.
"There's only one sure-fire way of getting over a broken heart, Kurt", said Ace, throwing an arm around the elf's shoulders, "Hookers. Our treat" (4)
"I don't vant any hookers", said Kurt, "….I don't do that sort of thing"
"Spoilsport", said Terrell.
Ace grinned dragging Kurt to a table, where five women were sitting around bored.
"Kurt, meet out strippers", said Ace, waving a hand at the girls, "Brandy, Mandy, Candy, Sandy and Stuart"
Kurt blinked at him.
"…Stuart?"
"I think the last one used to be a man", said Ace in a not-very-whispering voice.
"Can we get ready now?", asked Candy, "we're paid by the hour, you know"
"Go, my gorgeous ladies!", grinned Ace, "and get ready to make us all holler like…umm….things that holler really loud!"
The women (and Stuart) sighed, heading backstage, walking past the table as they did so. Lance whimpered, looking at the table in a manner which suggested he was trying to see through it.
"Lance….", Pietro gave the rock tumbler a poke, "why are you staring at the table? You're missing out on the action"
"That's the point", said Lance, "Kitty said if I so much as looked at a stripper, she'd rip my eyeballs out" (5)
"Oooooh that Kitty's got claws", said Kyle, "Mrrrow!"
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Meanwhile, across town, the girls were having their own fun. Alison too had taken great pride in her duties, though had brought the girls up to her spacious apartment, having rented a few bar staff…among other things.
"This is my kind of party!", grinned Sidney, "bring on the men!"
"Man", said Alison, then chuckled, "a man that fits all!"
"….This cryptic stuff is annoying me", said Wanda, "have you got us a striper or not?"
"Patience, witchy-woman, all will be revealed", said Alison.
"….I don't know, guys", said Jean, "I mean, is objectifying a male body any better than them objectifying ours?"
"Says the woman who lap danced, minus her top on the stripper in her bachelorette party", said Rouge.
"…..I withdraw my comment", said Jean.
"You'd better!", said Tabby, then sighed, looking at the drinks, "I miss alcohol"
"You've only got a little while left to go", said Kitty, patting her shoulder, "it'll be over before you know it"
"Yeah, then all you have is diapers, midnight feeds, incessant screaming….", Doug trailed off as Tabby glared at him, "shuttingupnow"
"Well, we have to keep an eye on how much Gina drinks", said Lila, "considering she's underage and all"
"But they'll let Kyle drink!", protested Gina.
Alison, meanwhile, had got up in front of everyone, and proceeded to tap her wine glass.
"Ladies and Douglas", she said, "the entertainment has arrived"
She walked over to a door, opening it, a gorgeous and familiar looking man stepping through.
"Oh my God!", squealed Sidney, "it's my own Heath Ledger!"
"I told you I could deal with the maid of honor stuff", smirked Alison, "he's a shape shifter, catered to our whims!"
"Now I get your man that fit's all comment", said Sidney.
"Okay", said Alison, "once you've entertained the bride to be, we'll have something big and Russian for the Goth-chick, something tense and moody for the redhead, and something extraterrestrial for the guy" (6)
"Okay, one at a time", said 'Heath'.
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Over at the stag night, the entertainment was over, even if the party was far from it. Rather foolishly, Kyle had decided he'd try to out-drink Piotr. Even if he was under-age, Ace had been 'sneaking' him beer back and two throughout the night. Needles to say, the youngest of the group was rather slaughtered.
"The Thunderboltsshh's gonna beat youse yet", he said, pointing a finger over Piotr's shoulder, "youse sheee"
Piotr sighed, taking a drink of his beer.
"Sit down before you hurt yourself", he said.
"You can't beat someone who's built like a brick wall, Kyle", said Terrell, "I keep telling you this"
"…And it's getting closer and closer to the day", whimpered Todd, who'd listened to Scott's whining far too much, "I'm scared, yo. What if somethin' goes wrong? What if this is a mistake!"
"Thanks a lot, Summers", said Freddy, "if he bolts, it's my job to catch him"
"Well, sorrriiiie", said Scott, "I was only offering advice"
"Buck up, Todd", said Bobby, "Sid's an orphan, it's not like you've got that many in-laws…only Sabertooth"
"….And that creepy human-guy that hates us", piped up Ray, "he's her cousin"
"Well, Kurt is Graydons Half-Brother", said Todd, then blinked, "…awww, crap, I'll be related to Nightcreeper!"
"Wow, related to your own nemesis", said Ace, giving a low whistle, "….irony's a funny thinks, isn't it?"
"Irony hates us", said Kurt, "I'm sure of it"
"At least you're not going to be related to Magneto and Pietro", muttered Pyro under his breath.
"Heeeeey", whined Pietro, "what's wrong with me?"
"What's right with you?", asked Fred.
"Hey, isn't that the looney we're looking for?", asked Ray, jerking a thumb to the door as a blonde guy walked in, before Pietro could pitch a hissy fit.
"Well, well hello Francis", chuckled Ace.
"Uh oh", said Shortpack, glancing at the door, "…that isn't good"
"You know him?", asked Bobby.
"…..Considering he tried to get me killed, yeah", said Shortpack
"Really?", asked Ace, "what did you do? Steal his loose change?"
"No", said Shortpack, "He believes I killed his sister-slash-lover. Twice"
"Prudence!", said Bobby with a grin, "I knew I heard that name before!"
He paused, glancing down at Shortpack.
"Umm….sorry?"
"Sister-slash-lover?", asked Ace, then grimaced, "that's just….wrong"
"Tell me about it", muttered Shortpack, "oh look, he sees us….great"
The mutants looked up as the blonde walked over.
"Hello", he said, "having….fun are we".
He glanced down at the table.
"Been waiting for you to come out of that mansion, Shortpack", he said, "looks like it's my lucky day"
"Long time no see, Shepard", said Shortpack.
"As usual, Shortpack", smirked Shepard, "you are completely and utterly wrong"
Shortpack frowned, picking up different physic waves.
"…..Prudence?", he blinked, backing away, "….but you….you.."
"Died?", she/he asked, cocking her head to the side, "no. Steinbeck's body died, I left his physce before it blew. I managed to hop into the mind of my Beloved in time….of course, we were captured and spent a lot of time in Stokes. But you know, it's rather nice to stew over bitterness and anger"
"…Um…Shorty?", said Bobby, "care filling us in?"
"It's Prudence", said Shortpack quietly, "…she's still alive. She takes over physces, remember?"
"Oh", Bobby blinked, "this is slightly messed up"
"You don't know the half of it", said Prudence, turning to glare at Shortpack, "as for living, I thought I'd got rid of you already. Seesh, you're like a cockroach"
She smirked, pulling a gun from her pocket.
"I still think happiness is a warm gun", she said, aiming it at the miniature mutant, "though getting rid of you would make me even more happy, and once I got rid of you, I'll go after Xavier he's just as guilty" (7)
"Prudence, you know I had nothing to do with your death", said Shortpack, "you keep blaming me, but I did nothing…."
"Exactly, you did nothing", hissed Prudence, "I trusted you, and where were you when Steinbeck had me cornered? Hiding away somewhere? You were my field handler, you were supposed to keep me out of danger!"
She growled, firing a shot, Shortpack jumping out of the way.,
"I'm a telepath, Pru", said Shortpack, "I know when you're going to shoot before you pull the trigger. And I tried. I didn't lead you into danger"
"Liar", she growled, "it's your fault I died, and it's your fault I'm still alive, having to live in other peoples bodies like some damn parasite! I can't even die with dignity, it's like being in a permanent out of body experience!"
"Prudence, I'm sorry this has happened to you", he said, "you know I wouldn't wish this on anyone, especially not you….."
"Oh yes, because 'you love me'", she sneered, "I don't give a toss, you tiny little freak. As if I'd so much as think that way about you. Please"
"You were too busy bumping uglies with your brother", said Ace, then stepped forward, "didn't ya momma tell you it wasn't nice to pick on people smaller than you?"
"Keep out of this, mane-boy", snarled Prudence, then glared at Shortpack, "does sorry bring back my body? Bring back my life? No!"
A blast of black goop shot out of her brother's eyes, only just missing Shortpack, dissolving the table as it landed.
"A little help would be greatly appreciated here", said Shortpack, ducking behind a pile of beer glasses.
"Okay lady-guy", said Bobby, shooting a blast of ice at Prudence, "lets get you back to Stokes where you belong, mm?"
Prudence looked at the ice encasing her to the ground, and shot a ink blast at it, dissolving it.
"You'll have to try harder than that", she smirked.
She yelped as Freddy grabbed one arm, while Piotr, armouring up, grabbed the other.
"I do not suggest you waste your energy on us", smiled Piotr, "your ink will not do much good here"
"I could always just take one of you over", she smirked, her eyes beginning to glow, only to be frazzled out, "…what?"
"I posses minds too", said Shan, stepping forward, "I'm pretty sure I can block you off, too"
Prudence growled, shooting an ink blast at Shan, causing her to dive out of the way. In a moment, the body in Piotr and Freddy's arms went limp.
"….She jumped…didn't she?", asked Freddy.
"I'm trying to pick her up", said Shortpack, then frowned, "…who's Candy?"
"She stole a stripper!", said Ace, "oh, well that 'aint fair!"
Shortpack sighed, shaking his head.
"She's bolted, already got out of my physcic range"
Shepard, now with his own mind, gave a groan.
"What happened?", he blinked, then looked panicked, "Prudence?"
"She's gone", said Bobby, then smiled sweetly, "you, on the other hand, are going back to stokes"
"I'll notify Fury about our new escapee", said Terrell, "S.H.IE.L.D'll track her down eventually"
In a wisp of air, the speedster vanished.
"I could do it quicker", shouted Pietro.
"I'm never, ever leaving the mansion again for as long as I live", said Shortpack, "having to deal with threats to my life on a daily basis is something I'd rather live without"
"Don't worry, short-stuff", said Ace, "Nick'll get her caught before you can say 'she's a looney'".
"Well…so much for a fun bachelor party", said Todd.
"Are you kidding?", asked Ace, "drinking, strippers, fighting mad people, it's the most fun I've had in weeks!"
"Oh yeah, best time ever", said Shortpack dryly.
"Sorry", said Bobby, picking him up, "that must have sucked"
"She's not the same person I fell in love with", said Shortpack with a shrug, "I knew that when she tried to kill me the first time 'round"
"At least you walked away from the betrayal and hate with dignity", said Bobby, "not like me….I didn't handle it well"
You think I did?, came a telepathic reply, just between you and me, I went on that revenge kick too. I went after Steinbeck after Pru died the first time, behind Professor Xavier's back, to kill him for what he did. Didn't work out all to well for me either.
Huh, Bobby blinked, you learn something new every day.
Yeah, just keep it quiet, huh?, said Shortpack, I doubt Charles would be too happy to find that out
Got it, said Bobby, you know, you could have told me this when I was…you know
And you'd have listened? No, unlike everyone else, I knew it was a mistake…but I also knew it was your mistake to make.
Huh, thanks, wise Yoda, replied Bobby dryly.
"Bobby, heeloooooooooooooo", Kyle flapped a hand in front of his face, "earth to Bobby"
"Wha?", Bobby cut of the telepathic link, blinking at Kyle, "what?"
"We're going now", said Kyle, then looked at his feet, "…funny…I appear to have forgotten how to walk"
With that, the Boston native fell to the ground with a thud. Bobby sighed, carting him over his shoulder, following everyone else out.
"The women are gonna have a field day with this", sighed Scott as he stepped over a broken table.
"Never let it be said that Ace doesn't know how to throw a party", said Freddy, "now all we have to survive is the wedding"
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(1) – Harry, for those not familiar with the comics, is/was the X-Men's bar of choice.
(2) – Readers of my Hercules parody: I TOLD you I'd use it!
(3) – This is what Mystique first thought about Shortpack and his name. Poor guy.
(4) – A slightly mangled quote by Pinocchio in Fables, the only DC comic I read.
(5) – From X-Men Legends II. Kitty threatens this to Piotr about Wanda (speak to Kitty as Piotr to get the convo in act 4)….and he's terrified.
(6) – A nod to Alex's stag night, where they had a shape shifter, who was given orders on what to be for each person. I always giggle when a nun is ordered for Kurt.
(7)– From the Mystique series. Prudence is a Beatles fan.
Oh yes. The next chapter will be the wedding between Todd and Sidney. And about bloody time, too! Do review. Until next time…