My little note: I apologise if you like Chavs, but I don't. Also all of D.K's dialogue is technicallyspelt right considering there is no proper way to spell 'hiz-house'.
Luigi finally made it to the Kongo jungle. It had been a long journey, but Luigi had sustained himself with the assortment of food he found in the black bags the garbage truck carried. As he entered the jungle he heard a beat coming from within. However, this wasn't the beat that came out of a bongo. No, it sounded more synchronised, it repeated itself way too much and above all, it was annoying. Almost instantly Luigi realised what was going on. What had happened to Donkey Kong.
"No, no..." Luigi jumped out of the garbage truck, forgetting to first stop it, and ran towards the sound, ignoring the loud crash coming from the truck hitting a tree. Luigi was getting closer the sound, always running and tripping over tree roots. Soon Luigi came to a clearing. What stood before Luigi was the scariest thing he had ever seen. "D.K has become a Chav!" Luigi screamed. Donkey Kong, who now sported a ridiculous amount of gold jewellery, sunglasses and a 'do-rag', turned to see Luigi.
"Yo, my main homey Luigi is in da hiz-house!" D.K claimed. Luigi cringed slightly. D.K came over to him and slapped him on the shoulder, causing Luigi to fall under the weight. "So, my peep, what brings you to ma crib?" D.K asked. Luigi tried to back away from him.
"Please can you stop talking like that, just talk normally." Luigi begged.
"This is the 'in' thing my man!" Donkey Kong announced.
"Then why haven't I heard anyone else in this entire story talking like that then?" Luigi questioned.
"There all uncool." D.K replied.
"So everyone is uncool... except you? Even I can tell that logic is flawed." Luigi was thankful he was going to kill the mad gorilla soon. D.K seemed upset by Luigi.
"Man, you know nothing 'bout coolness, you ass with your green dungarees"
"I have blue dungarees"
"Whatever, yous a fashion reject with no shiting sense of cool 'bout you!" Donkey Kong waved his hands in the air in a way of weird significance to D.K, but no one else.
"This is all too scary, I don't even know what you're saying!" Luigi whimpered. "Hell, I didn't know you could even speak." He added.
"What you talking about?" D.K asked.
"Well I suppose that barley counts as talking." Luigi muttered.
"You be tripping man! You dissing my speech?" D.K replied angrily.
"I am so glad I'm going to kill you for eating my cheese sandwich!" Luigi claimed.
"What this shit 'bout a sandwich? I ain't touch your snacks man!" D.K replied.
"Well I'm still going to kill you just for talking like that!" Luigi aimed his shotgun at D.K. He pulled the trigger, but nothing happened. "Oh yeah." Luigi remembered he had yet to turn off the safety.
"You think you can just walk into my pad and threaten me? Yous have another thing coming! Where my posse go!" D.K turned and started shouting into the jungle. After a while Cranky stumbled out, looking very annoyed. "Yo, old timer, where my crew at?" D.K questioned. Cranky whacked him over the head with his cane.
"They abandoned you! You young whippersnapper! They couldn't take anymore of your god awful rapping!" D.K looked shocked.
"Yo, no one disses my beat!" Cranky hit Donkey Kong on the head again.
"I will do whatever I see fit!" Cranky hit Donkey Kong for a third time. Luigi noticed something.
"Wait a minute... Cranky isn't out of character! He must be behind all this!" Luigi pointed his gun at Cranky; rather pointlessly considering the safety was still off.
"You young fool! This new fangled 'out of character' fad only seems to affect Nintendo characters, not us Rare characters!" Cranky tried to hit Luigi with his walking stick, but he was too far away.
"Nintendo? Rare? What are you talking about?" Luigi questioned.
"Damn! I've revealed the secrets of the universe again!" Cranky claimed. "Forget I said anything"
"Ok." Luigi replied. Luigi stood still for a minute. "Done." Luigi claimed. He then looked around. "Why am I in the jungle?" Luigi asked. Cranky waddled up to Luigi and whacked him over the head. "Ow! Haven't you heard of peaceful solutions?" Luigi complained.
"Yes, but I find violence achieves more faster." Cranky claimed.
"Fine, whatever. Look 'Ghandi', if there is no evil cheese sandwich eater to kill here, I should go." Luigi turned around to leave.
"See yous later dude!" D.K shouted. One of Luigi's eyes twitched violently.
"Before I go, I have to do something to get D.K out of the most annoying character ever thought up." Luigi claimed. He tried to fire his shotgun, to no effect. "Unfortunately, I still can't figure out what is wrong with this gun, so we have to do this without killing him." Cranky looked sad that they couldn't kill D.K.
"Ain't I got a says in this before yous all go messing with me?" Donkey Kong asked.
"I have no idea what you just said, so lets get started!" Luigi shouted.
"And what the hell do you plan on doing?" Cranky questioned. Luigi went into deep thought for a minute. Suddenly he was struck with inspiration.
"I will sell hotdogs on E-bay for an inflated price!" Luigi suddenly announced. Cranky looked at him confused. "Sorry, what was the question again"
After a hour of careful thinking, by which I mean a hour of watching movie clips for an idea to nick, Cranky and Luigi were ready to 'de-chav' Donkey Kong. They had strapped D.K to a chair, restrained by twenty belts, and with his eyes tapped open. Luigi walked over to a big screen.
"Now here's something I saw in a movie." Luigi announced.
"Which movie iz this?" D.K asked.
"I don't know, I saw it parodied in the Simpson's. They were desensitising the dog." Luigi replied.
"I've been meaning to complain about this," Cranky claimed. "How do you plan on making this 'de-chav' my no good son? It can desensitise dogs, not 'de-chav' asses"
"Well, I changed the clips shown you twit." Luigi explained. He pulled out a small remote and turned the video on. The screen remained blank as 'Fortuna' boomed out from near by speakers. "Except I didn't have time to find suitable clips in only a hour." Luigi laughed nervously. "Everything's gone crap since I entered this jungle" Luigi muttered. For a moment he lowered his head sadly. Then he started bobbing his head in time to 'Fortuna', seemingly happy again. Cranky hit Luigi over the head with his cane.
"Stop that!" Cranky shouted. Luigi rubbed his head angrily.
"That's getting almost as annoying as D.K." Cranky answered the comment by hitting Luigi again, but this time his stick gave way and broke in two.
"Well crap." Cranky simply exclaimed. He looked angrily at his walking stick, as if staring at it would fix it. "Stupid cheap walking stick company"
"I doubt the walking stick company considered making it strong enough to withstand constant head battering. I mean, Toadsworth's stick hasn't broken yet." Luigi commented.
Using that very brief mention of Toadsworth as reason, we go back to the smoking remains of Peach's castle, where Toadsworth is still searching for Peach.
"Peach probably has fleed this place by now, but I'm old and have little stumps which barley count as legs, so I'll still search here instead of running off." Toadsworth announced to no one. He kicked a burning Toad out of the way into a badly placed vat of fuel. As the Toad exploded in a ball of fire, Toadsworth kicked down a door, rather pointlessly as the walls around it had burnt down, and saw part of a shaking pink dress under a badly burnt bed. Toadsworth smiled and fired his machine gun. However, he had used up all the bullets. Angry, Toadsworth threw the gun away and grabbed the near by Yoshi, who had been stuck on the roof until there was no roof. Like all the others the Yoshi had turned killer. Toadsworth threw the Yoshi at the bed. The Yoshi ran under the bed, and quickly emerged holding a Toad wearing one of Peach's dresses.
"What are you doing!" Toadworth shouted.
"Don't tell my wife." The Toad pleaded, just before being eaten whole by the Yoshi. As to keep this PG-13, I'll just say the Yoshi was a very sloppy eater. Toadsworth stared blankly at what he had just seen.
"Graphic." He muttered. "Also those shoes did not match that dress"
"Is it just me or are you monkeys not as funny as the other characters?" Luigi absently mused. Cranky and Donkey Kong ignored this random criticism of the chapter. "Well, thankfully I have to be on my way, except..." Luigi trailed off.
"What?" Cranky asked, itching to get rid of Luigi.
"Well, there aren't any main characters left!" Luigi claimed. Cranky looked at him sarcastically.
"Off the top of my head, there are the Goombas, Boos, Bom-boms"
"I said main characters, I'm not going around all the little things which walk back and forth in levels for no real reason." Luigi claimed. "I can't go around the Paper Mario characters either, after what happened the other day"
A month ago in the world of 'Paper Mario', Parakarry and Gombella were having a talk.
"So that is how I lost 3 ponds in one day." Gombella announced proudly.
"We're paper though, we don't actually weigh anything." Parakarry asked.
"Oh, errr... does it look like rain?" Gombella changed the subject, however, it was rain and the entire world went soggy and tore apart in a matter of seconds.
"Well, how about the character so ridiculously obviously behind this, that even D.K could work it out, you know, that great big green weirdo"
"Wart! Of course!" Luigi jumped up, ran off, and then came back. "My ride is thrashed." Luigi explained, jumping into D.K's kart, hot wiring it, and driving off.
"What a tosser." Cranky muttered.
"Word."