Authors note: I have took my sweet ass time on this chapter, haven't I?
When Luigi awoke from his self-inflicted hammering, he found himself outside a castle. However, this was not the castle in which he had just fought King Boo. This castle wasn't just a cardboard cut out, it was a full blown, brown bricked, oddly easy to get into, bigger on the inside final level. Luigi looked thoughtfully at the castle.
"Well I guess I got to the castle... somehow." He remarked. "Right. So all I have to do is fight my way through this castle, killing all the Goomba and Koopas who might get in my way, then dodging all the lava pits and traps make it into the final room, where I can finally reach Wart and kill him for eating my sandwich." Luigi rambled on to himself. Luigi walked up to the oddly large red doors. It was then Luigi noted a small doorbell on the side of door. "That gives me an idea..." Luigi claimed.
Half an hour later, Luigi stopped writing a musical completely composed of ringing sounds and jumped to his feet. "Wait, I have a better idea!" He claimed. He then walked up to the doorbell and rang it. There was a moment when all that happened was rumbling was heard on an intercom above the doorbell, then someone falling over, then them getting up again, and finally a deep, croaky voice.
"Who is this? Is it Bowser again? IT WAS ONLY FUNNY THE FIRST TIME DAMNIT!" Wart's voice yelled.
"No, I'm selling 'miracle string'." Luigi announced, while trying to talk in a deep voice. However, he didn't even come close to pulling it off, and ended up sounding like a young girl.
"What's 'miracle string'?" Wart asked, obviously considering opening the door, then slamming it in Luigi's face.
"This one of a kind string has the power to cure cancer, and is also inhabited by ghosts!" Luigi claimed, still sounding like someone shoved something sharp between his legs. There was a pause.
"It can really do all that?" An intrigued Wart asked. Luigi nodded. There was a long silence while Luigi realised that Wart couldn't see the nod.
"Yes." Luigi answered.
"Hold on a sec." the sound of a large sack of potatoes rolling away came out of the intercom. Luigi guessed this was the sound of Wart running towards the door. "Now we'll see who has the last cheese sandwich related laugh! " Luigi then proceeded to laugh in a maniacal matter.
"What was that? I dropped my large sack of potatoes." Wart asked over the intercom.
"Just answer the bloody door." Luigi ordered, sounding frustrated, as would you if you were trying to negotiate the opening of a large door with a giant frog king thing. A quick feedback fizz came over the intercom as Wart turned it off and headed for the front door. Luigi, the sense of victory in the air (if you can call outsmarting a dictator booger monster victory) danced the victory dance of victory.
And if you want to dance the victory dance of victory, well you're in luck, as well as in need of medical attention! Here, for the first time in the history of mankind, monkeykind and speckled crested birdkind (but oddly not fishkind) is how to do the victory dance of victory!
First you put your right hand behind your back and hop up and down on one foot, and then you spin three hundred and five degrees (not three hundred and six, if you do that many, start again). Do this in both directions; changing which foot you're hopping on for each rotation. Afterwards wave your hands wildly and flimsily in the air (think the ugly woman in Popeye) run on the spot, shake your head from left to right and stick your tongue out. After doing this for the desired time, strike the famous grabbing crotch with your other hand stretched out pose, famously used by a certain person I can't mention because of this sites rules, who was charged with something I can't mention because it's disgusting, but he was found innocent, which I can mention. Anyway, strike this pose, shouting 'ow' loudly (which you will do instinctively if you grabbed too hard). If it is an especially large victory, you can thrust a bit. Once all this is done start over again until a nice muscular man in a white suit throws you in a van with a straight jacket. Well, back to the story, which I have made seem longer with this pointless paragraph.
When Wart opened his front door, he was, to say the least, surprised to see Luigi outside his castle doing the victory dance of victory.
"You're a salesman?" Wart asked confused. Upon hearing the green thing's voice, Luigi stopped dancing and point a finger accusingly at the snot coloured lard thing.
"I have travelled far from wherever my house is, through random areas which really shouldn't exist in such a climate, and finally the lair of the ghostly Boos, all to finally exact vengeance for my cheese sandwich, reverse the out of characterness you have swept the land with and complete any other quests I might have landed while doing all this, but have forgotten." Luigi announced, as a nonexistent camera seemed to close up on his face and heroic music played out of a nonexistent speaker. Wart raised an eyebrow.
"So you come to my castle, then accuse me of being behind the change of your friends personalities and the stealing of a cheese sandwich?" Wart questioned in a bellowing voice. However, before Luigi could answer, Wart broke down in a fit of tears. "I can't believe you would be so mean! You are just a big meany!" Luigi, unprepared for such an outburst, look around gingery. After a few minutes of Wart balling, which had caused a few new lakes to be formed and scientists to start worrying about global flooding, Luigi attempted to comfort the bubbling green thing.
"I didn't mean anything personal..."
"MEANY!" Wart interrupted. Luigi watched Wart crying for a bit longer, then became aware of how wet his dungarees were getting. Thinking fast (which for Luigi meant spending several hours pondering, in which time he downed a glass of milk and won the chess championship twice) Luigi grabbed a conveniently placed metal bar and hit Wart over the head with it.
"Pull yourself together Wart!" Luigi ordered. The Green King blob thing sniffed and slowly managed to stop his own waterworks.
"You're still a meany." Wart claimed. Luigi rolled his eyes.
"Yes, very well, can I kill you for the above accusations yet?" Luigi questioned. Wart instantly began crying again.
"NO! Don't kill me! I have done nothing wrong! Granted, I trapped you and your friends in Mario's dreamland, but don't kill me! I have too much to live for! I have yet to see the world, or anything not inside an Italian plumbers head for that matter, I want to live Luigi, why won't you let me live!" Wart babbled in an inconsistent manner. Luigi sighed.
"It's times like this I wish I hadn't left my machine gun with Toadsworth."
And like clockwork, we have a quick insight on the events occurring due to Toadsworth quest to destroy Peach and take control of the Mushroom kingdom.
"Why am I here?" Questioned a Toad, who was riding in a sidecar connected to a motorbike being driven by Toadsworth through the secret escape route Peach had escaped in (it would make very little sense for her to use the route for anything else).
"How am I honestly meant to aim a bazooka and drive a bike? Now shut up and aim the gun, we have to be catching up with her!" Toadsworth then, for no reason, laughed manically, causing him to momentarily lose control of the motorbike and steer it into a wall. "DAMN IT!" Toadsworth shouted.
"Not laughing evilly while driving a motorbike is one of the first things you learn in motor ed..." The Toad criticised. Toadsworth shot the Toad an angry glare.
"Hand me that bazooka." Toadsworth ordered in a cold voice.
"Can't see any reason not to." The Toad claimed throwing the bazooka to Toadsworth (must be a strong Toad if he can throw a bazooka, but that's not important). Toadsworth then backed up a bit, and aimed the bazooka at the Toad. The Toad then looked at Toadsworth suspiciously. "Are you going to shoot me with that?" Toadsworth nodded. "Well if that's true, then I suggest you back of a bit more, or you might get bits of me all over you." Toadsworth complied and took three steps back.
"That okay?"
"Yeah, you should be fine there."
"Thanks." Then Toadsworth blew the Toad into uncountable pieces of red gory stuff.
Speaking of uncountable pieces of red gory stuff, a King frog dude crying a river has nothing in common with them in any shape or form.
"I have done nothing but good to cheese sandwiches! Please don't kill me!" Wart continued babbling. Luigi began stroking his chin.
"Well, Wart seems slightly less pathetic than normal, maybe he isn't behind this after all." Luigi reasoned.
"And who will take care of my dear mummy? WHO?" Wart continued babbling, his tears providing water for the poorer areas of the Mushroom Kingdom.
"Well, if it wasn't Wart, then who? More importantly, which important characters haven't I accused yet? I mean I've been lowered to the use of Wart!" Luigi sighed and kicked a nearby rock. This rock would grow up to be rockheart, and lead a band of rocks to there bloody death against an army of stones, who for years have been oppressing the rocks and forcing to obey to there laws instead of allowing the rocks there own government which they so desperately want, but for now he's just a rock Luigi kicks.
"Also if I die can you imagine what that will be like for my farther? CAN YOU?" Wart's cries fell on death ears. These death ears got angry that someone was dropping stuff on them and ran off.
"Maybe I could shout at Birdo, but I don't think that thing she calls a mouth can actually eat a cheese sandwich..." Luigi continued to muse.
"Then there's Bowser, who may act like he hates me, but I know he secretly likes me... I hope. NO ONE LOVES ME!" Luigi suddenly belted upright, struck by inspiration.
"Of course! Only one maniacal monster can be behind this... ha ha, no one loves you. I mean, Bowser must have stole my sandwich!" Luigi look heroically into the distance. "I shall finally complete my quest and bring justice to the memory of my sandwich." Luigi's heroic monologue was spoiled by the crying blob of green behind him. "To Bowser's castle! Wait, why do all bad guys get castles? Come to think of it, the vas majority of people I know seem to live in castles. Man, I need to get me one of those. Where was I? All yeah, to Bowser!" And with those words, Luigi ran off in a random direction, with absolutely no idea how to get out of Mario's dream world, which had partially flooded thanks to Wart.
Meanwhile, back in Donkey Kong's jungle, Mona looked disapprovingly over a blood covered Ashley.
"That was unnecessary." Mona criticised.
"If that monkey said 'innit' one more time..." Ashley replied.
"Yeah, but I don't think anyone deserves that to be done to them, especially the part where you 'circumcised' him." Mona reasoned.
"Yeah, I was suspecting that much blood to be honest." Ashley looked around. "Say, where are the boys?"
"Dribble and Spitz are in the car, 9-Volt followed an old monkey claiming he was his god, and Dr Crygor... actually, I don't know where he is." Mona answered.
"Probably doing that stupid dance." Ashley claimed. However, as she finished her sentence, Dr Cygor jumped out from nowhere in particular, surprising Mona and causing her to fall over.
"BEHOLD! By calculating all possibilities with my above average intallect, as well as work besides the secret services of the world, I have been able to track Luigi's possible targets within a one in one trillion chance of error!" Dr Crygor proudly announced.
"You did that all in five minutes?" Mona asked, obviously confused (as well as being slowly devoured by a plant she had fallen on).
"Three minutes, I stopped for coffee half way through." Dr Crygor explained. Ashley shrugged.
"Fair enough, so where do we go know in our quest for blood?" She asked.
"Wart!" 9-Volt interrupted. "The great and brilliant Donkey Kong of the arcade era told me." He added, sounding suspiciously like he was picturing Cranky Kong in lingerie (I know how pointless that would be considering, but shut up).
"That was what I was going to say, Wart, not Kirby." Dr Crygor claimed, his eye thing looking around shiftily. So the four headed for the taxi, no one questioning the disappearance of Ashley's devil thing, who disappeared two chapters ago.