Bowser's castle. The centre of all EVIL. That's not just evil. The centre of all evil is somewhere in Disneyland. EVIL is much worse. It's in capitals. For one thing, within the castles reinforced (reinforced with EVIL that is) walls lie EVILs such as daemons from the deep, Conservatives, fan fics with graphic descriptions of Sonic characters getting it on, squirrels, Spyro the dragon and the worse EVIL of them all, the wizard dark lord, commander of the death eaters and he who must not be named, namely Bob (who did you think I meant?). Well, these EVILs would be in the castle, had Bowser not kicked them all out for not paying the rent. Anyway, Bowser is in constant fear of invasion and got Kamy Koopa to cast a spell on the castle, so it was impossible to mark on any map. In fact, the only way to possibly get to Bowser's castle is to walk off in a random direction, with absolutely no idea of where you're going, only then can you reach the castle. This may seem like a bad way to protect the castle, and does result in many drunken hobos entering the castle, but it means any force attempting to invade can't, for you can't have absolutely any idea where you're going if you're going to invade a castle. Confused? Good, means you won't question the logic. Also, this entire plot device explains allot about the old 2D Mario games.
Luigi continued running forwards, running to no where in particular and with a human like bird, hare and toad following for no apparent reason. It was when a giant space ship with the words 'Great Fox' on the side appeared to Luigi's side that Luigi realised something odd was going on. His suspicion's were confirmed when the bird, hare and toad flew after the space ship in there own space ships. "Okay... I believe that's our third reference to a different video game series in two paragraphs." Luigi muttered to himself, still running in no particular direction. It was then he realised that he seemed to now be running in a lava infested area, as apposed to the strange turnip infested area he was in earlier. "That's... odd." Luigi mused to himself. "There is only one logical explanation for this; I completed a level without realising it! Why didn't I get a flag to pull down?" Luigi began pondering this very question for countless hours (or more accurately, two). However, a green capped Italian talking to himself about the lack of a flag does not go unnoticed in the land of EVIL. This is likely due to the places lack of tourists.
High up in Bowser's castle, Kammy Koopa watched Luigi through her magical telescope. Granted, the telescope wasn't that magical, but It had a built in cappuccino machine, and if that isn't magic I don't know what is. Anyway, Kammy Koopa almost instantly recognised Luigi as Mario. At once she set off to report to her master that his dreaded rival at just appeared in his lair, but then she realised it was in fact Luigi after taken another quick glance in her telescope. She decided that Luigi being in Bowser's kingdom wasn't nearly as important and fixed herself a cappuccino before going off to report anything. During this time she wondered what the odds actually were of her looking into the telescope at the exact time Luigi arrived, after some mental (and I mean mental) mathematics she discovered that the odds were actually quite good.
Lower down in the castle, to be exact, in the throne room, Bowser was plotting the demise of many people who I've deemed too boring to actually name in this story. He had been doing this for about an hour now while he waited for his latest nefarious scheme to actually work instead of causing various Koopa's to sing duets from 'the Phantom of the opera'. He was in the middle of thinking about how to kill someone only using a carrot and a Spaniard, when Kammy Koopa burst into his throne room.
"Sir, the dastardly Luigi has entered your kingdom, no doubt on a mission to END YOU!" The Magikoopa shouted. Bowser stroked his chin.
"Luigi... Luigi... Isn't he that guy on my favourite T.V show?" Bowser asked.
"No sir, that's Lala. Luigi is the brother of your nemesis Mario and he probably wishes to END YOU!" Kammy corrected Bowser. The Koopa king rose an eyebrow.
"Why do you keep saying that?" Bowser asked.
"Sorry sir, it just seems my magic is having difficulty keeping my current personality intact. I keep getting the urge to become a wrestler, YOU PATHETIC MAGGET!" Bowser nodded unsurely.
"O...kay..." Bowser muttered, just before Kammy Koopa grabbed him by the throat.
"DO YOU INSULT ME YOU WUSSY MAN!" She shouted. Bowser rolled his eyes and swiped the magic wand out of Kamy's hand. He then pointed it at her.
"Avada Kedavra!" Bowser shouted, causing weird shapes to fly out of the end of the wand and hit Kammy Koopa. The Magikoopa looked like she had just come out of a long sleep.
"A thousand thanks Lord Bowers." Kammy Koopa thanked Bowser, rubbing her head. Bowser didn't look pleased.
"I thought that was the death spell..." He muttered. "Oh well, we should probably deal with this 'Luigi' before he spoils my brilliant plan." Bowser slumped lower into his chair and pondered. "Lets see... Oh! I know! We shall send a small army of Koopas and Goombas to slowly walk in one direction towards, or past, Luigi. If he survives that and the numerous traps that litter my castle, traps which make a walk to the toilet fairly perilous, I can't tell you the amount of times I've been crushed by the ceiling trying to get a snack. Where was I? Oh yeah, if he gets all the way here, I shall face him in an arena with an almost insultingly obvious device to beat me with, then we'll see who has the last laugh!"
"Lord Bowser, I mean no disrespect, but what the fuck are you on about?" Kammy Koopa asked. Bowser sighed.
"I know, I know, it's a terrible plan, but unfortunately I have a signed contract with Nintendo that says, and I quote, 'That when a plumber enters my castle I'm not allowed to put up much of a fight, this includes any specially trained minions, minions with any training at all or combat in any room where I have an advantage. This is only void in a RPG.' Annoying, isn't it."
"Who's Nintendo?" Kammy Koopa questioned.
"Damn it! I've revealed the secrets of the universe! Meh, I kept them longer than Cranky Kong did." Bowser shrugged it off. Kammy Koopa decided not to pry any further.
"Sir, why don't we just use the Kooplings?" She asked. Bowser sighed.
"Well currently there all acting like goths, except for Bowser Jr, for some strange reason he's acting like a mafia/Laywer combination. In short, none will listen to me." Kammy began pondering.
"Maybe you should bride them with the promise of skittles?" She suggested. Bowser sighed.
"Already tried. The Kooplings just gave me cold stares and Bowser Jr sued me." He claimed. The two were interrupted by a stage cough which came from the door, or more precisely, Luigi.
"You know, I've been here for about an hour now." Luigi exclaimed. Upon seeing the plumber, Bowser swore angrily and punched a Goomba who just happened to be passing by. The punching of this particular Goomba was going to set off a chain reaction of events which would result in the entire Mushroom Kingdom being taken over by a flower pot in twenty years, but that tale is not important or interesting, so this is the last you shall here of it.
"Curses! You, L...Lu...something...Lulu? No. errr... You shall never escape from this castle alive!" Luigi's reply to this remark was a laugh which somehow managed to sound like a perfect balance between pure evil and a little girl. It was creepy yet heart melting.
"No Bowser, it is you who shall feel the squishy hand of death upon your bosom!" Luigi remarked. Bowser and Kammy Koopa stared blankly and confused at Luigi. "Let's try that again. I'm going to kill you."
"Oh. Okay. Why?" Bowser asked. Suddenly a suspicious look came upon the King of Koopas' face. "Do you know of my plan?" He asked.
"Sure, why not." Luigi claimed. "But you may want to go into an insane rant, just to make sure I have all the details right." Luigi added. Bowser shrugged.
"Fair enough. You see, I have had my ingenious scientists design me a machine which will give me complete control of everyone's subconscious. Unfortunately, all these scientists were killed in a freak chilli bake off based accident, so I had to replace them with three Goombas of questionable qualifications and some hobo named Bob. Well, when they had finished, their machine gave slightly different results to those planned. By harnessing the power of dairy products between pieces of processed wheat and flour, the machine would alter the delta brainwaves to corrupt all attempts at rational force in the conscious, resulting in drastic alterations to ones persona."
"Wait, what did that last bit mean?" Luigi asked.
"Absolutely nothing, but it sounded intelligent, didn't it? Anyway, the machine makes people act out of character, and is also powered by cheese sandwiches. Using this tech I plan to simply stroll in and take over the entire Mushroom Kingdom with a large army and no one will be able to stop me, because they will be to busy acting completely insane. The slight problem is that my entire army has suddenly stopped fighting and has taken in the opera... say Lu.. Something, sounds like... bob, are you okay?" Bowser realised that Luigi had been in breathing heavily for a while now, not to mention tightly clenched fists and a nonexistent fire reflecting in his eyes.
"You... Stole... My... SANDWICH!" Luigi bellowed at the top of his (and various others) lungs. "Here I was thinking it was going to be Toadsworth. I mean, DIE!"
However, before Luigi could spring into action, we have to take our daily visit to Toadsworth. Yes, I know you want to see the sure to be epic battle between Luigi and Bowser, but I just don't like you enough to give you it yet. Granted, if you are smart you could just read past this section, but then you will be forever haunted by the lack of knowledge regarding psycho Toadsworth's crusade against Peach. Then again you could read past this part, and then read it. I'll be quiet now. Actually I won't, or there will be no story. Speaking of which, I'll continue writing that now.
Toadsworth had finally reached the end of Peach's escape tunnel. The journey had been a long one and filled with unnecessary but fun deaths of numerous Toads. Toadsworth found himself in front of a giant green pipe.
"I wonder why we have to only ever use our warping technology in conjunction with our sewer technology." Toadsworth pondered. He didn't ponder this long though, because Toadsworth's blood lust was getting the better of him. The old manic jumped into the pipe and warped. Thus the name 'warp pipe'. It's all relevant.
Upon the other side, Toadsworth found himself in a dark castle, near by two Toads seemed to be watching the warp pipe Toadsworth has just jumped out of.
"No! What are you talking about? Princess Peach isn't here!" One of the Toads blurted out as soon as he saw Toadsworth.
"You wait for him to ask us first." The other Toad scolded. The first Toad smiled sheepishly.
"You are aware this is Bowser's castle, aren't you?" Toadsworth pointed out to the Toads, one of which was hitting the other over the head with a wooden spoon, an action which somehow knocked the Toad unconscious. After getting the Toads attention by shooting his unconscious comrade with a gun Toadsworth apparently had, he asked his question again.
"Well, what place better to hide the princess than the belly of the enemy?" The Toad reasoned.
"A concrete bunker just outside the Mushroom Kingdom." Toadsworth replied.
"Good point." The Toad claimed, just before he was shot for the simple reason that every other Toad so far has died.
Anyway, back with Luigi, Bowser and Kammy, Luigi had sprung towards Bowser, filled with anger towards the sandwich stealing turtle. Bowser, visually confused, watched as the green plumber flew through the air towards him. The spell keeping Kammy's personality in order had worn off and the magikoop had begun hitting various Koopas over the head with a fold up chair which she had got from somewhere. Luigi drew back his hand in a fist, waited until he was in range of his foe, then was burnt by Bowser's fire breath and fell to the ground smouldering.
"CURSES!" Luigi shouted. Bowser towered over his fallen foe.
"Well, whatever your name is, I have no idea what's going on, but I probably should kill you now." Bowser stated.
"Look! A cancer curing piece of string!" Luigi shouted, pointing out of a window. Bowser raised an eyebrow.
"Great, you've just cheapened the entire feel of this battle by resorting to that." Bowser criticised. Luigi smiled.
"Ah, but by using it, you felt the need to criticise the method, allowing me to get up, and now I'm ready to kick you're ass!" Luigi stated, just before Bowser knocked Luigi back onto the ground with his tail. "Bugger."
"HA! YOU PUNY MAN ARE NOW MATCH FOR THE KOOOOPPPAAASSSSS!" Bellowed Kammy. Bowser sighed and zapped her with the magic wand again. "I'm sorry Lord Bowser, I meant to say that Luigi has succumb to your excellence." Bowser nodded approvingly.
"Now to set this wand down in arms reach of my fallen foe, and then proceed to poke him to death, in preference to just zapping him." Bowser explained, doing so. Luigi sighed.
"In that case I am surly doomed. No man can survive the thousand poke attack, and all I have to defend myself is a wand with the power to destroy my foe and that is in easy reach." It surely looked as if Luigi was doomed (after what has to be the shortest fight in history), but then, just as Bowser was about to attack, The King of Koopas and his witch sidekick found themselves unable to move, as if someone had just of then cast a spell on them.
"I need him alive." A voice claimed. All three in the room looked surprised.
"Who the hell?" Luigi questioned. A laugh echoed.
"Wha ha ha ha ha ha ha. I am the one truly pulling the strings around here, as well as who truly stole your cheese sandwich."
Cliff-hanger! Oh, but before we end, let us quickly catch up with the group of taxi riding characters. Dribble had been driving the group around for quiet awhile before Mona decided to ask a question that had been bugging her for a while.
"Do you even know who this Wart were looking for is?" She asked.
"Nope." Dribble admitted.
"So where are we going?" Mona questioned.
"No idea." The dog answered. "Any more questions?"
"Yeah, why did you throw Spitz out of taxi a mile back?"
"Because he is FUCKING USELESS!" Dribble then realised the environment around them seemed very... lavery. "Say where are we?" He asked.
"Considering we've apparently been driving off in a random direction for so long now, it could be anywhere!" Mona shouted.
"We're in Bowser's domain." Ashley coldly exclaimed, pointing at a sign that read 'welcome to Bowser's castle, please no littering.'
"You know, I feel if some cosmic force has sent us, an old toad, and a plumber all to this location at the same time for some reason." Crygor exclaimed, not noticing the weird looks he was receiving. The Doctor enforced his point by staring into space for a few hours.
"Crygor aside, we probably should enter the castle." Mona reasoned. "Bowser probably will have weapons in there, and we forgot to bring any to kill Luigi with." There was general agreement in the taxi, and the group set off, but not before everyone took advantage of the trance Crygor seemed to be in and beat him up.