Authors note: Thanks for all the reviews! You please the review eating pig I keep in the back. Anyway, yes Lady Daisy, I've read Four of the Hitchhikers, and King of Nintendo, I've fixed the Toadsworth thing in all chapters but the first, and about the jungle thing... errr... Time Share? Maybe they changed the name as to not confuse them with the Donkey Konga games? I don't know. Okay, what was I doing? Ah yes, I was inventing cold fusion. Ah screw that, I'll write the next chapter instead.
Luigi, Bowser and Kammy all stared upwards at an all too conveniently placed ledge. A shadowed figure stood above it, watching as Bowser and Kammy squirmed in there nonexistent restraints. Luigi stared up at the figure.
"Who the hell are you? We've run out of interesting characters to blame!" The figure laughed again.
"Oh come on Luigi, surely you recognise..." The figure stepped into the light. "THE WIZARD OF OZ!" Luigi raised an eyebrow.
"But your Waluigi..." He commented.
"I know, I just felt like ripping off one of the reviews." Waluigi explained. Luigi looked more confused than he normally did.
"Review, what the hell are you talking about? And why did that wall over there collapse?" Luigi asked, pointing at a wall which had just collapsed. Bowser's eyes widened in horror.
"He just broke the fourth wall!" Bowser claimed. "That must mean..."
"Yes! I know the secrets of the universe, but not only that, I know much more!" Waluigi exclaimed. Luigi stared blankly trying to understand what was going on.
"Waluigi, do you want to take this from the top?" Luigi asked.
"Fine." Waluigi cleared his throat, and then explained. "When Bowser first fired up his mind altering machine, it had great effects on the meek, rather pointless Waluigi of old. Once a character in the background, I took centre stage, I felt tremendous plans filling my head, the one I'm currently executing being the best. You see, to first abuse such powers, I had to understand where they came from. Bowser was the obvious reason, for he seems to be behind everything these days. Anyway, I found the mind altering machine and at once set to work. I rework it to give me tremendous knowledge of everything, to make Toadsworth a psycho, even making you the dumb ass you are now."
"It all makes sense!" Luigi exclaimed.
"Really?" Bowser questioned.
"Not even a tiny little bit." Luigi replied.
"Teachers talking!" Remarked Waluigi.
"No he isn't..."
"Shut up! I was being metaphorical! Anyway, with Toadsworth trying to kill Peach, the Mushroom Kingdom would soon be leaderless, and with king of the jungle, D.K, a chav, it wouldn't be long before someone killed him, leaving his kingdom wide open. Upon entering there lands and executing a electoral campaign, full of mud slinging, lying and endorsements from former Presidents and actors, they would soon be mine. Now, Bowser has been using magic to stop feeling the effects of the machine, so I have to take this place by force." Waluigi then waved one of Bowser's wands around menacingly.
"So where do I and my sandwich come into this?" Luigi asked. "And where the hell have all the jokes gone since you turned up?"
"Well you see, I wanted Daisy's kingdom, but I made a miscalculation and she imprisoned me. I needed someone to come and kill Daisy for me. Wario was busy with his own plan and Mario was too much of a liability, so you were the only option."
"What about Wart? Or King Boo? Or Gadd?" Luigi asked.
"Who the hell are they?" Waluigi replied. "Anyway, I told one of my minions to take something you would kill to get back. Unfortunately, when you finally got here I had heard of the coming Yoshis, and your part in the plan had become obsolete, so I just used you to escape and, upon realising you were the new King, waited for you to get here before imprisoning all of you for the final part of my plan."
"Wait, I thought the final part of your plan was the election thing?" Luigi remarked. Bowser turned to Luigi.
"You actually understood the plan?" He asked. Luigi shrugged.
"I understood the part where he danced the dance of seven veils for the Toads in the mental asylum perched dangerously above a pit of boiling lava." Waluigi raised an eyebrow.
"That was not part of my plan." Luigi looked shocked.
"Then what does metaphorical mean?" He asked. Waluigi sighed.
"Why do I even bother explaining myself to you?" He questioned.
"Because deep down you just want to be understood?" Luigi suggested.
"That's why I do bad things." Bowser muttered quietly.
"What was that lord Bowser?" Kammy asked.
"I said call all the Koopas! I want all my minions to get in here and kill this lanky tosser!" Bowser ordered.
"Yes master, OY! BASTARDS! GET IN HERE AND SAVE US!" Kammy shouted.
"No." Luigi claimed. "I will defeat this menace by myself. It is my duty. As King of the kingdom I don't know the name of, as a man who has seen the many random horrors that Waluigi has caused, and most importantly, as the avenger of a cheese sandwich!" For some strange reason no one can actually understand, the Superman theme song began playing while Luigi talked. This is wired for a number or reasons, firstly, his short speech had absolutely nothing to do with Superman, secondly it didn't actually fit all that well, and finally there was nothing that could play music nearby. Needless to say, no one was impressed. At all. Not even a little bit. Hell, not even the Koopa who was impressed when he found a stone that was imperfectly round was impressed. In case you're wondering, the Koopa heard him when Bowser's army all barged in, even those affected by the mind altering machine.
"Those who have seen your face, draw back in fear!" A small group sang somewhere near the back. Bowser groaned.
"Forgot about those guys, anyway, my army, destroy the purple wearing plumber!" Bowser shouted, pointing at Waluigi.
"YES SIR!" The Goombas, Koopas and odd Shyguy Replied. Then they all ran out of the room towards Bob, the slightly homosexual plumber's office. Bowser slapped himself in the face.
"Be more precise, be more precise..." Bowser scolded himself. Waluigi laughed an oddly high pitched laugh.
"This is too easy." Waluigi's smile stretched so far across his face it looked like it would fall off, in fact, in three years it would, but that's a different story for a different time. Actually, it's unlikely to ever be told, as it is very uneventful, and despite giving an insight to the married life of Luigi's hat, is very dull. "Now you shall see the true power I have gained thanks to altering my mind." Waluigi threatened, snapping his fingers.
"My god! He has learnt how to click his fingers!" Luigi shouted.
"He turned Bowser into a monster!" Kammy shrieked, pointing at Bowser, who had somehow changed into Giga Bowser.
"RAAAAAAAARRHHH!" Screamed Giga Bowser.
"Dude." Luigi remarked, he then turned to Waluigi. "Okay, now make me Giga Luigi!"
"RAAAAAAAARRHHH!" Agreed Giga Bowser. Waluigi grumbled loudly and began shouting.
"For goodness sake! Can't you see I have the powers of the universe!" Luigi rolled his eyes.
"So? Bowser had the powers of the universe once as well, but he got a star with a moustache involved, a moustache! How cool is that?" Waluigi started rubbing his temples in frustration.
"RAAAAAAAARRHHH!" Suggested Giga Bowser.
"Later. For now, I have a certain green clad retard to, how should I put this, kill in a very gruesome manner." Waluigi eyes sparkled under his hat. Luigi would have gulped if he was paying attention, but he was too busy watching the group of Koopas playing out the sword fight from Phantom of the Opera. Kammy Koopa threw her arms in the air.
"We're doomed! Oh, only a miracle can save us now!" Just as she hollered those words, Toadsworth barged into the room, shooting wildly.
"DIE PRINCESS!" Kammy looked sceptically at Toadsworth, then up at the ceiling.
"That's the best miracle you can muster?" She complained. Toadsworth looked around the room.
"Oh great, that's the sixth room I've wrongly barged into while shooting wildly and shouting 'die princess'." Toadsworth complained.
"RAAAAAAAARRHHH!" Commented Giga Bowser.
"YANABLAGHBLAGHBLAGHBLAGH!" Replied Toadsworth.
"RAAAAAAAARRHHH!" Retorted Giga Bowser.
"YANABLAGHBLAGHBLAGHBLAGH!" Claimed Toadsworth.
"RAAAAAAAARRHHH!" Argued Giga Bowser.
"YANABLAGHBLAGHBLAGHBLAGH!" Suggested Toadsworth.
"Stop that now!" Waluigi shouted. "You two can have an argument about the current political structure and what place religion has in the hotdog industry later! Right now I want to know why you're here Toadsworth!" Luigi let out a single laugh. A 'ha', if you will.
"Isn't it obvious that Toadsworth realised his deep feelings towards Waluigi, and ran all the way here to announce said feelings before Waluigi boards the plain to Mexico with his fiancé?" What followed were a lot of confused faces and a chorus of 'ewww'. Luigi turned his nose up to everyone else, whatever that means. I've tried to turn up my nose, it is impossible, hell, I can't even turn the thing down. Anyway, Luigi did whatever it is. "You are all closed minded. In this day and age can't we accept the union of a hundred year old mushroom and a lanky plumber who is trying to do something I don't understand?"
"To be quite frank, I don't think such a question has ever been asked before." Toadsworth commented. "Also I'm here because I followed Princess Peach, who I'm going to kill, to this place."
"RAAAAAAAARRHHH!" Bellowed Giga Bowser, who then punched Toadsworth. For some strange reason this only resulted in Toadsworth squirming and shouting some random nonsense. Waluigi lost his patience and snapped his fingers. Giga Bowser promptly disappeared.
"Right! Now, if there aren't any more distractions..." As soon as Waluigi shouted this, a taxi burst into the room. Mona, Dr Crygor, Dribble and Ashley burst out, all holding some sort of automatic gun, except Crygor, who for some reason was holding a banana split. Waluigi threw his arms into the air and went to find a wall to whack his head against.
"FREEZE LUIGI!" Dribble shouted, pointing accusingly at Toadsworth. Toadsworth moved out of the way, so that he was in fact pointing at Luigi.
"You will pay for what you did to my Wario!" Mona added. She then went a rhubarb colour. "By which I mean your Wario... Errrr... his Wario... ah screw it, just die." Both Toadsworth and Kammy Koopa wisely took a step away from Luigi, who was looking slightly more gormless than he normally did, which is saying something.
"What did I do to Wario? Last I remember I left him with a laser that was about to blow up, is he still sore about that?" He asked.
"No, you have somehow turned the Wario we all know and love... I mean like, into something... different..." Mona replied. Luigi let out a relived sigh.
"Oh, that wasn't me, that was Lanky Kong over there." Luigi claimed, pointing at Waluigi. Oddly enough, at that exact time, deep in the Kongo jungle/Bongo/whatever, Lanky Kong suddenly stood up in a middle of a game of 'shove bananas up Chunky Kong's nose' and, for no apparent reason, remarked:
"I resent that comment." No one is quite sure why he said that, no one really cares, but for three years after that incident, Lanky seemed to have the ability to read peoples minds. It stopped after the three years because Dixie Kong killed him for various reasons, one being to get the haunted, cancer curing piece of string that Lanky was in possession of at the time. However, like ninety six percent of this story, this has no relevant to anything (unless you're Lanky I suppose).
Waluigi stared down at the shambles of a group with a mix of anger, resentment, pity, hunger and foundation on his face.
"Fine, so now I'll have to get rid of Luigi, the Toad and those Wario people, then the world will practically be mine. Unless Birdo is going to burst through the door or something." Waluigi remarked.
"Well fuck you then!" Shouted Birdo, who then left the room.
"Actually 9-Volt doesn't seem to be here." Mona pointed out.
"That's because I fed him to a lion." Ashley explained.
"Oh, okay."
"Fine, whatever, can I just kill you all now?" Waluigi asked.
"Give us five minutes" Asked Luigi. Wluigi shrugged and looked at his watch. Luigi turned to Toadsworth and the Wario Ware characters. "Okay, I think I have a plan on how to defeat this guy!" Toadsworth looked confused.
"Wait, were trying to defeat this guy now?" Toadsworth asked.
"I can't see why not." Dribble claimed.
"Anyway, all we have to do is find the machine that is changing everyone's personalities, then turn it off!" Luigi explained, looking proud of himself for figuring out what to do, even though Kammy had actually figured it out earlier, but only Luigi had heard her. In fact she had gone to turn it off, but had succumbed to the wrestler personality on the way there and was too busy body slamming Koopas to turn the machine off. "Now all we need is someone to be a decoy and make sure Waluigi doesn't follow us..." It was then Luigi realised everyone had already buggered off. "Ah crap."
"Alright, time is up." Waluigi announced, time to die.
"Wait!" Luigi shouted, trying to think of some way to distract the purple menace. "Wouldn't you prefer to... play monopoly?" Luigi reasoned, holding out a monopoly board. Waluigi raised an eyebrow.
"Where did you get that?"
"I carry one around with me in case of emergences, are you telling me you don't?" Luigi looked somewhat shocked.
"Well in any case, I hate monopoly, it makes no sense! I mean, a metal shoe can own a red hotel with no door and charge extortion to a car that stands outside said hotel for five minutes! How does that work!" However, before Luigi could answer, Waluigi jumped onto him and pinned our poor hero to the ground. Now when I say 'our poor hero', that is not to say Luigi is our property, strapped for cash or heroic. In fact, that sentence was very misleading, I apologise to all those I have surely somehow killed with this claim. Anyhow, to those who haven't been somehow killed by my lies, you probably like to know that Waluigi grabbed Luigi by the neck and held him high.
"Now Luigi, it is time you die." Luigi looked around confused, realising a cliff-hanger when he sees one.
"This isn't the final chapter?" This claim completely annihilated the fourth wall.