A/N: Well...hello!
I shall explain why I am here. Other than because I'm posting another story. Obviously.
Anywho. I got quite a few requests this past month via email to add prose to "Redundancy," my all-dialogue piece I wrote a few weeks ago. Apparently, people liked the all-dialogue but were still curious to know facial expressions, actions, descriptions, thoughts, etc.
So...I'm giving it to you. This turned out much longer than I originally anticipated (Actually, I'm pretty sure it's the longest one-shot I've ever written.), but I've gotten some feedback over at my LJ (thanks ya'll!) and they say it's not too long.
I'm still a little dubious, but I'll let you be the judge. So, without further ado, I present to you...
Redundancy Revamped
(The thoughts behind the dialogue)
-h
Disclaimer: Talk about redundant...I don't own it.
For all you who me emailed and/or reviewed
Demanding that I tell you what was behind all the talking
And stating that I really was quite horrible not to tell you.
Thanks loads for the guilt trip and incessant mounds of nagging,
For it awakened my stupid Muse,
And she, for one, NEVER shuts up.
I hate you all for creating this misery, and I hope you fart
In a quiet, peaceful place full of irritable people.
Except for not really.
It was the twenty-sixth second of the thirty-fourth minute of the twelfth hour of the tenth day of the second month of the seventy-fifth year of the twentieth century when it had happened. She could actually tell you the time up to the millisecond, but that generally made people slightly concerned for her health, so she usually refrained from disclosing that number.
(It was nine hundred and fifty-two)
(Give or take a microsecond)
She had been sitting at the end of the Gryffindor table at the Previously Specified Time (She had discovered it was easier to call it the 'Previously Specified Time,' later shortened to PST, in her telling of the infamous tale as repeating the words 'the twenty-sixth second of the thirty-fourth minute of the twelfth hour of the tenth day of the second month of the seventy-fifth year of the twentieth century' got rather tiresome after about the third time through), and she had been consuming her usual turkey, cheese, and potato-chip (yes, she knew it was odd) sandwich in relative peace. That is, if you called periodically reaching up to grab the pitcher of pumpkin juice as it attempted to escape the boundaries of the Gryffindor table and proceed to dump its contents on an unsuspecting Slytherin (she suspected the Marauders), occasionally flicking her wand in the general direction of the opposite side of the room so that the benches wouldn't attempt to leave the boundaries of the Slytherin table and rid themselves of the posteriors occupying their hard surfaces (again, she suspected the Marauders), and sporadically tossing a dinner roll behind her left shoulder towards the doors of the Great Hall to restrain them from attempting to eat the cloaks of various (are you detecting a pattern yet?) Slytherins walking in to eat their lunches (you guessed it: she suspected the Marauders) relative peace. All while flipping the pages of a rather large tome entitled A Compendium of Common Curses and their Counter-Actions.
(She was proud to say that the title did not intimidate her)
The juxtaposition of the Furnunculus Spell (used to cause numerous, painful boils to burgeon on the entire expanse of the victim's body) and the Jelly-Legs Jinx (used to cause the victim's legs to shake uncontrollably. May be useful in a duel if the caster is at a disadvantage in terms of quickness and/or agility) will cause tentacles to sprout from the top of the victim's head. In order to produce a specific color, the caster must think,not speak the color. This may only work if the caster is adept at nonverbal spells. It is not advised to drink alcoholic beverages before performing this spell as the consequences are…
She spotted a figure sporting a green and silver scarf approaching the great wooden doors out of the corner of her eye and lazily reached for a roll to toss over her shoulder. Her hand curled around the bread and was just moving to toss it when she froze, her eyes snapping from the page of her book to the apparel-eating doors to the roll suspended over the bowl of steaming and rather delicious looking vegetable soup sitting atop the heavy wooden table in front of her.
Butter.
Yes, you read right. Butter.
See, Lily Evans liked butter. You might even say she loved it. She especially loved butter on her dinner rolls. She always put copious amounts of butter on her dinner rolls. Much to the annoyance of her friends. ("Lily, I hope you own twelve cats and get really fat when you're older…"). In fact, every time she saw, touched, or ate a dinner roll, she thought of butter and how much she absolutely loved it.
Butter was also in Butterbeer. Lily loved Butterbeer, too. Butterbeer was not served at Hogwarts. Butterbeer was only served in Hogsmeade.
Students were not allowed in Hogsmeade under normal circumstances. They were only allowed in Hogsmeade if it was specifically a Hogsmeade weekend. This made Lily a tad bit sad sometimes, being that she could only obtain her beloved Butterbeer when she was in Hogsmeade, which was only on the specified Hogsmeade days, which were not quite as often as she liked, which meant that Butterbeer was not consumed by her in the copious amounts she would have otherwise partaken in drinking.
James Potter consumed Butterbeer in the copious amounts Lily would have otherwise partaken in drinking very regularly because James Potter went to Hogsmeade whenever he pleased anyways and brought Butterbeer back for the raucous parties in the Gryffindor common room after he'd helped them win yet another Quidditch match. James Potter played Chaser for the Gryffindor Quidditch team. Everyone loved James Potter. He was very charming. He was funny. He was witty. He was mischievous. He was athletic. He had unruly hair and glasses.
Lily didn't wear glasses. She didn't need them to see that James Potter was…the butter on her roll.
And cue the nine hundred and fifty-second millisecond.
Lily's fingers went numb from shock (hardly surprising, considering her revelation), and she dropped the dinner roll in the steaming vegetable soup, where it bobbed up and down beside a potato and an onion, slowly turning over to expose its saturated underside.
She reckoned it was mocking her.
The Slytherin third year Lily had spotted with her keen, rule-abiding eyes while reading about the Furnunculus Spell stepped over the threshold of the Great Hall and let out a yelp of surprise as she found her scarf being pulled from her neck and eaten by an otherwise non-living oaken door. The door burped and the girl stared at it wide-eyed for a moment before huffing and stomping off in the direction of the Slytherin banner.
Lily endeavored to think that she felt a bit like the scarf. Confused, devoured, and completely pissed off. She didn't want James Potter to be the butter on her roll. She wanted…someone else to be the butter on her roll. Who wasn't James Potter. And had no relation to James Potter whatsoever, however distant. In fact, her butter would not know that James Potter even existed. At all.
She decided to ignore the fact that she would possibly have to appoint someone from Yugoslavia to be the butter if they weren't to know that James Potter existed. He was, as mentioned before, a very popular guy what with all the bearing of Butterbeer and such.
And the hair helped as well. And the eyes; he had nice eyes. Very nice eyes. Deep, Lily would describe his eyes as. Very…deep. Probably you could drown in his eyes. Probably you could get lost in his eyes, wandering around. Willingly, of course. She rather thought she'd be willing to get lost in his eyes…
A hunk of tomato bobbed up to join the dinner roll, and Lily rather thought it was trying to mock her as well. She didn't appreciate it. She retaliated by grabbing another roll, ripping it in half, squashing it onto her plate, and stabbing it forcefully with her fork.
"Is there any particular reason you're mutilating that roll?"
The voice came from just over her left shoulder, just far enough away so that she wasn't startled, and she suddenly felt as if the pitcher of pumpkin juice she had been restraining from dumping itself on the Slytherins had decided she looked enough like a Slytherin to suffice.
Speaking of the pumpkin juice….
An indignant shriek issued from the Slytherin table across the room, eliciting the attention of the entire Hall. Lily winced, watching as a sopping wet seventh year girl with curly brown hair stood up quickly and swatted at the now empty pitcher of pumpkin juice bobbing in the air in front of her, looking for all the world as if it were laughing at her (what was it with non-living objects mocking people today?). The girl dried herself with her wand, dared everyone within a thirty foot radius to laugh at her with a single glare, and sat back down with a straight back and an irritated flip of her hair.
And promptly disappeared beneath the lip of the table with the rest of her housemates when the benches tipped over.
The Great Hall roared in laughter as the indignant Slytherins got up from their positions on the floor and tried to look as dignified as possible with their flushed faces and sore behinds. From his position just behind her left shoulder, James Potter grinned widely and chuckled in a self-satisfied manner. Lily turned around to face him just in time to see him wink at his friend Remus Lupin seated at the other end of the table (well away from the silver-handled gravy boat sitting beside the roast in the middle of the table, as it were). Remus winked back in a roguish fashion before turning to slap one Sirius Black's heaving back as he choked on a chicken bone in laughter. Peter Pettigrew sat across from them deviating between glancing at the Slytherin table nervously and grinning merrily with his friends.
Lily looked at the scene with as much disgust as she could muster given the circumstances, remembering who she had suspected of the pranks in the first place and turning to face James. "Go away, Potter," she snapped irritably. She was quite astonished, really, at how much irritation she had actually managed to lace into her voice, and she suspected (begrudgingly, might I add) that probably more than half of it had been directed towards herself, and not the grinning boy standing behind her.
Said boy raised an eyebrow at her remarkably fierce retort and sat down beside her, grabbing a roll and spreading it with a very large amount of fluffy yellow butter.
The irony was not lost on Lily.
"Now that's not very polite, dear Lilyflower. What would your mother think?" he asked in a mock reprimanding tone, shooting her a sideways glance that clearly revealed the amusement dancing around his eyes and continuing to butter his roll.
Lily watched the smooth movement of the butter knife and struggled to come up with a witty retort that was usually so quick on her tongue. She didn't like this butter thing. She didn't like it one wit.
Lily straightened her shoulders and pulled a bowl of soup towards her with one hand, flipping the page of her book with the other. Her eyes did not leave the page of her book as she retrieved her fork and continued with the mutilation of her dinner roll.
"She would think, 'what an irritating boy that is, badgering my poor daughter when she so obviously wants to be alone.' " She stabbed at her roll a bit too forcefully with this last word, and was fairly certain that if it had not been for the Unbreakable Charms cast over the dining wear in front of her, Hogwart's Castle would be one dinner plate short come next mealtime.
James took a large bite from his buttered roll and looked at her in mock amazement, "Wow. You're mother is very perceptive. Does she always know what you're thinking?" He swallowed exaggeratedly and grinned at her before chomping off another bite and quirking one corner of his mouth in polite inquiry.
Lily watched his antics and decided it was quite useless to argue with him while her mind was so irritatingly fixated on the roll in his hand. She sighed exasperatedly and looked at him in annoyance. One never could beat around the bush whilst dealing with James Potter.
"What do you want, Potter?"
James finished his first roll and grabbed another one, buttering it as he answered her, not missing a beat, "For you to go ou-"
Lily waved a hand dismissively, her eyes watching the movement of the butter knife again. "Besides that," she said.
The butter knife paused as James thought, his brow furrowing. He was quite used to her rejection by now, and it really did not faze him in the slightest. Lily suspected that he was either extremely resilient or remarkably dimwitted (she had come to accept the former after observing him in his classes for the past six years. Dimwitted, Mr. Potter was not.) Finally, he grinned in a satisfied fashion and began buttering the roll again, "Well, then I suppose I want to know why you're mutilating your roll."
Lily tore her eyes away from his hands and back to her (mutilated) roll. She decided the best course of action would be to lie. Especially since the only other course of action would be to tell the truth, and that was not at all appealing considering what the truth entailed. Which was that she had finally cracked and fallen for James Potter.
Oh, the shame. It was all-consuming.
"I'm not mutilating it," she denied, staring at the pieces of (mutilated) roll scattered about her plate and mentally preparing herself for the argument that was sure to come. James Potter never let an argument die in his presence.
Lily found it quite annoying.
James looked at her, "Oh, I'm sorry. I shall rephrase that…I suppose I want to know why you're tearing your roll into little bits, squashing them onto your plate, and then stabbing them with your fork." He cocked his head to the side in mock-curiosity and raised an eyebrow above the wire rims of his glasses.
Lily stared at him, noting the way the amusement sparked in his (so very deep) hazel eyes.
Damn them. Damn them to Azkaban and back.
"It's none of your business," she said, unable to come up with anything clever and witty to say. She picked up her sandwich and took another bite, turning her back on him and resuming her noble vigil of salvaging as many green and silver scarves as was possible during the lunch hour, determined to ignore the amused boy perched beside her.
James smiled and took a bite out of his second roll, "You're right," he stated, referring to her declaration that her actions were none of his business, very nearly causing Lily to choke on her sandwich. She would have had he not continued, "So why are you doing it?"
Lily swallowed in irritation and set down her sandwich for fear of asphyxiation, "James, would you jus-"
James cut her off with a dramatic gasp, clutching his hands to his heart. "Do mine ears deceive me? Did I just hear my name, my real name, issue from the beautiful lips that grace dear Lilyflower's face?" He looked at her with wide, falsely-innocent eyes that failed to hide a devious spark behind the clear lenses of his glasses and kept his hands clutched to his heart.
Lily stared at him. Had she said his name? She couldn't have said his name. She never said his name. Ever. Not in all her years at Hogwarts had she ever called James Potter by his first name. It was like an unwritten law. "Lily Evans does not say James Potter's first name. She only ever calls him Potter, unless she is screaming at him across the common room, in which case she might either call him: A) sniveling toerag, B)arrogant prick, or C) JAMES HAROLD POTTER!. The balance of the universe relies on this law. If it is ever breached, the world as we know it will be destroyed completely and everyone will die of astonishment and food poisoning."
She wondered when people would start keeling over in their soup bowls.
James was still looking at her with his hands dramatically clutched over his heart. "You really irk me," she told him, changing the subject for the sake of all the people in the world who were relying on the previously mentioned balance of the universe. Namely herself. She turned back to her keen watch of the Great Hall's doors and took a bite of her now-soggy sandwich.
James removed his hands and smiled in an infuriatingly self-satisfied sort of way, "Yes, I know. It's probably why I was born. To irk you beyond the highest level of irkness."
Lily didn't doubt it. He grabbed another roll and ate half of it in one bite. She began formulating a plan to brutally torture and murder irony.
"Really?" she said, "I always thought you were born to be, how do you put it again? 'God's gift to women?'" She looked at him dryly before turning back to her food.
James looked at her mock-seriously, "Well, that too, of course," he said, "But it's less of a full-time job than irking you."
Lily rolled her eyes, "Gee. Thanks."
James smiled. "You're welcome!" he bounced in his seat a bit before suddenly going still and cocking his head to the side, "So why were you mutilating your roll?"
Lily slammed her sandwich down in annoyance at his persistence and made a frustrated sound in the back of her throat. "Would you stop asking me that? I'm not going to tell you."
Because that would entail admitting that she was in l…lll-…llloo-…because that would entail admitting that she l-worded him.
James reached towards another roll, "And why aren't you going to tell me?" he asked. He put his elbow on the table and rested his chin in his hand, tossing the roll in his other hand up and down as he looked at her amusedly.
Lily's eyes followed the path of the roll for a bit before she managed to glare at him. "Because I don't want to," she said childishly, turning back to her turkey and potato-chip sandwich once again and forcing her eyes not to stray to the bouncing roll in her peripheral vision.
James was not to be deterred.
"Are you sure?" he asked. Up, down went the roll.
Lily gripped her sandwich hard. "Yes."
"Are you sure you're sure?" he asked. Up, down, up, down.
Lily gritted her teeth. "Yes."
"Are you sure you're sure you're sure?" he asked. Up, down, up, down, up, down, u-
Lily's sandwich was ripped in half as she exploded. "YES, POTTER, I AM SURE!" A slight hush fell over the Hall and the roll James had been tossing tumbled through the air in a graceful arc and landed in the vegetable soup beside the now fully saturated roll Lily had previously dropped in. Some of the soup splashed over the edges, and Lily watched as the table magically sucked the mess up. James grabbed another roll and began tossing it again.
Upon seeing that the cause of the commotion was only Lily and James and not some gossip-worthy affair, the students of Hogwarts began chattering animatedly again and silverware clinked on china. A few Hufflepuffs turned in their seats to stare in Lily and James' direction, looking slightly frightened. James waved at them cheerily. Lily just glared at her (mutilated) sandwich.
James continued waving and spoke out of the corner of his mouth, "…I think you made that first year over there wet his pants. Not a very good move if you're still trying for that Head Girl spot, you know."
Lily slammed her book shut and stood up. "I'm leaving," she proclaimed, gathering her things.
She grabbed the now-refilled pumpkin juice pitcher that was slowly creeping towards the Slytherin table again and slammed it back on the table, threw a few rolls at the scarf-eating door, and stormed out of the hall. So maybe she was overreacting. It wasn't her fault. She was a red-head. And she had just discovered she was in love with a prat. Who liked butter on his dinner rolls and asking the same questions repeatedly.
She was not a happy hippogriff.
She stalked past a suit of armor that was squeakily scratching its backside and wrinkled her nose as she turned left towards the Library. She heard footsteps approaching her from behind and quickened her pace, praying to all that was Magic that it wasn't who she thought it was.
"So, where are we going?" James bounced up beside her and waved at the bum-scratching suit of armor cheerily. It ceased its earlier activity long enough to wave squeakily back at James.
Lily closed her eyes and kept walking. She hated Magic. "We're not going anywhere," she said, turning left even with her eyes closed, "I'm going to the library," her eyes remained closed as she sidestepped an uneven stone, "And you're leaving me alone."
James frowned and put a hand to his chin. "Hmmm…." he said, examining the stone ceilings of the castle. He was silent for a while, seemingly pondering her proclamation. Lily opened her eyes and looked at him. He appeared to be appraising her. "Hmmmm," he said again. Then he grinned, "Nah."
Lily stared at him dryly, "What do you mea- POTTER, YOU PUT ME DOWN THIS INSTANT!" For James had bent over, rested his shoulder against her stomach, and flipped her over his back. He walked back towards the Entrance Hall.
"Now now, Lilyflower," he said, hitching her up a bit on his shoulder. "There's no need to shout. We're just going outside for a bit of fresh air, nothing to worry about."
Lily's eyes were wide as she stared at his heels as he walked. It was quite possibly the most discombobulated she had ever felt in her life. Which might help explain her next statement.
"We can't go outside! It's snowing cats and dogs!"
James chuckled and continued walking. Lily watched his heels. His trainers were rather dirty. She wondered what he did to make them so ratty. Cavorted around the castle at all hours of the night, no doubt, she thought. She wondered why that didn't bother her as much as it used to.
"I do believe you've just mixed your metaphors, Lily dear. It generally rains cats and dogs and snows like Filch is having a particularly hard time with his already profuse dandruff," James stated.
Lily scrunched her nose at this analogy, "…that's disgusting." James tripped on an uneven stone and nearly dropped her. She snapped out of her original daze and shook her head, staring around as if re-assessing her position. She thumped him on the back with her fist. "Why haven't you put me down yet? PUT ME DOWN! HELP! RAPE, RAPE!" She kicked her legs and banged her fists against his (rather solid) back.
James stopped and struggled to maintain his hold on her flailing legs. "Oh, now that was just uncalled for," he grunted as she managed to knee him in the stomach, "No need to demean my intelligence," he grunted again as she kicked his shin. "If I were raping you I'd do it someplace that wasn't the middle of the Entrance Hall."
Lily stopped moving and twisted her head to look up at the back of his messy black hair disbelievingly. "Forgive me for being a bit creeped out by that statement," she said.
He nodded his head. "You are forgiven." He started walking again, rubbing his stomach where she had kneed him with his free hand.
Lily continued to stare at the back of his head.
"James," she said dryly.
"Lily," he mimicked her.
"Put. Me. Down."
"I. Don't. Want. To."
Lily's face was starting to match her hair. "NOW!"
"NO!"
She glared at the back of his head and thumped a fist on his back again, "Stop mocking me."
"Stop deafening me."
That did it. Screw what dignity she had left. She hiked herself further up his back, positioned her head just beside his ear, and screamed.
"LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA!"
James stopped walking and winced, pressing his right ear against his shoulder. "Owwww! Liiiiiillllyyyyy, that's my ear!" he whined.
"Yes, I know…," she took another deep breath, "LA LA LA LA LA LA LA!"
"Ow, dammit! Okay, okay. I'm putting you down," Lily stopped yelling and smiled smugly. James tipped her off her shoulder and stood her in front of him, rubbing at his ear. "There, see? You're down. No need to get your knickers all in a twist."
Lily stared at him. And then she reared her arm as far as it would go back and let fly with the hardest punch she'd ever thrown in her sixteen and a half years of living.
Unfortunately, it was not the most accurate punch she'd ever thrown in her sixteen and a half years of living. Her fist flew past James' jaw and landed square in the middle of a suit of armor's breast plate.
Silence.
And then,
"OOOOWWWWW!"
She cradled her injured hand in her other one and jumped up and down as one is wont to do when one is in excruciating pain, no matter if the jumping will help at all or not.
James observed her with his head cocked to the side, "You need to work on your aim," he stated. Then his faced took on a concerned look and he stepped forward to gently take her hand, "Is your hand okay?"
Lily yanked her bruised hand out of his, "No," she replied, "I think it's broken. And it's all your fault."
James quirked an eyebrow and put his hands in his pockets, leaning back on his heels. "No it's not. It's whoever taught you how to hit's fault. They did a rather poor job of it, don't you think?" here he grinned and extracted his right hand from his pocket to ruffle his hair, "And it's not broken. You'd be in a lot more pain if it was broken. Trust me, I know."
Lily rolled her eyes and began walking back towards the Library, throbbing hand at her side in what she considered to be a gesture of defiance. "Oh yes, I almost forgot. The great," she emphasized the word 'great' sarcastically and threw her arms out in front of her in exasperation, "James Potter and all his Quidditch exploits." She looked at him dryly, "Look at me, I'm swooning."
James nodded solemnly, "You wouldn't be the first," he said gravely.
Lily just stared at him. "You're impossible."
"You're temperamental."
"I hate you," she responded.
"I love you," he…admitted.
…What?
"…What?" Lily stared at him wide-eyed, throbbing hand now completely forgotten.
James smiled at her ignorantly for a moment before his face went white and his eyes widened in horror, "Did I say that aloud?" he asked unnecessarily. She nodded slowly. James slapped himself on the forehead and closed his eyes briefly, "Oh, bugger it," he muttered before snapping his head up and fixing her with an imploring stare, "Do you mind if I do a quick Memory Charm on you right fast? I think I've pretty much got it perfected. Sirius only lost his memory of being specifically attracted to the woman counterpart of the human species for a bit that one time." His tone suggested he was asking politely if she could pass the biscuits please, and would she mind terribly if she passed along the pumpkin juice as well.
Lily stared at him and tried to wrap her mind around the situation. It wasn't wrapping.
"…What?"
James seemed to take this as some sort of an affirmative answer, for he nodded once and then dug around in his pocket for his wand. "Good then. Hold still for a second." He finally managed to fish his wand out of his pocket, point it at her, and screw his eyes up in concentration as he tried to remember the incantation for the spell.
Lily's mind started to wrap a little faster and it wasn't long until her eyes widened, staring at the wand pointing at her forehead. "What?" she said at first, and then she gasped, "NO! Put that away right this instant, James!" She shoved his wand away from her forehead.
James looked at her confusedly, his wand pointing towards a portrait of a nervous looking goblin wearing jester's garb, "But I haven't done the charm yet."
Lily started to roll her eyes but quickly decided it was against her better judgment, and snapped them down to eye James' wand warily instead, "That's the point," she told him, still watching his wand, "You aren't doing the charm."
The bells on the goblin's four-pronged, multi-colored jester's hat jingled slightly as he sighed in relief when James' wand was lowered to his side, pointing towards the floor instead. The stone floor, however, was anything but relaxed.
"What?" James furrowed his brow, "Yes I am. How else am I supposed to make you forget that I told you I love you?" He seemed to think Lily daft, as he was looking at her in a distinctly concerned manner. His eyes then widened and he was once again slapping his forehead as he muttered, "Oh bollocks, now I have to erase two memories…" His eyes snapped back to Lily, "You don't mind if you forget you're a girl for awhile, do you?"
Lily's mind was hindered slightly in its nearly-finished wrapping at this last statement. She looked at James in minor wonderment, "…Yes, as a matter of fact," she said slowly, "I do."
James seemed to deflate a bit at these words. "Damn," he mumbled, looking down at the ground (which was considerably more relaxed now James' wand was hanging limply from his fingertips) in despair. He suddenly threw his arms into the air, eyeing Lily accusingly, "Well then now what am I supposed to do?"
Lily's mind had finally managed to completely wrap about her situation, and it was now restored to its usual logical and orderly manner. It decided it should start from the beginning.
"You're supposed to tell me what you meant by that," she said briskly.
James stared at her uncomprehendingly, "Meant by what?" he said, cocking his head to the side, "The Sirius thing?" He straightened again, shoving his wand back into his pocket, "Oh well that was just for a bit. Thought he was gay for awhile," he shrugged and looked down at the floor as he scratched at the back of his head, "I found it rather amusing. However, Remus, I'm sorry to say, has been scarred for life and states that if anyone ever speaks of it again, he shall become terminally ill and die, and we shall all be sorry," James smiled slightly and looked up at Lily, his eyes sparking with amusement. "He has left instructions to bury him with girly magazines just to be sure they know he's straight when he reaches the pearly gates. To avoid misunderstanding and confusion and the like." He grinned crookedly at her.
Lily gaped at him in shock for only a moment before the corners of her own mouth twitched and tipped upward just slightly. She brought a hand up over her mouth to hide her smile.
James perked up at this and gasped dramatically, reverting to his usual mannerisms and going down on one knee in front of her, gripping his heart with one hand and stretching his other arm towards her, fingers splayed outward, "What ho! Dideth I just maketh Lily Evans cracketh a smile?" He gasped again and brought his outstretched arm down to join its comrade in gripping his heart, "No honor so great hath ever been bequeathed to me sucheth that-"
Lily stopped smiling and stomped her foot. In her fully-wrapped mind's opinion, it was time to put an end to this childishness and get herself an answer. "Shut up, James, and tell me what you meant," she commanded.
James stood up and dusted his trousers before looking at her curiously, "I just told you what I meant," he said. And then he quirked his eyebrows in thought, "Well, for the most part at least. I left out the part where Sirius straddled the-"
Lily yelled out to stop him and held her hands out in front of her rigidly, "STOP RIGHT THERE! I don't want to know," she shook her head as if to clear her thoughts and lowered her hands. "I meant the other thing," she said, looking at him sharply.
James stuffed his hands in his pockets and bestowed upon her the most innocent look he could muster. Which would have actually been quite innocent-looking had it not been for the fact that she had seen it a thousand times directed towards an authority figure when they accused him of some wrong-doing. He had always been rightfully accused.
"…Other thing?"
Lily rolled her eyes. "Yes, the other thing."
"Okay," he said, nodding decisively, "…What other thing?" James rolled back on his heels and furrowed his eyebrows at her, displaying a countenance of well-acted confusion.
Lily exhaled exasperatedly and made an irritated gesture with her hand, "The other thing you said!"
James rolled up onto his toes and retained his highly-practiced confused and innocent expression, "I said something else?"
Lily was nearly to the point of pulling her hair out. "Yes!"
James stopped rocking on his heels and looked at her. "Oh," he said, and for a moment Lily thought he had finally decided to behave like an adult. And then he leaned back on his heels again, "I don't recall saying anything else." He looked at the gray stone ceiling above their heads in mild interest.
Lily stomped a foot and clenched her fists at her sides, "James!" she yelled in complete annoyance, her tone conveying in it somewhat of an order to drop the act. Being a prefect had perfected this a bit; some of the younger years found it quite amazing that she could voice a full set of instructions in a one-word exclamation.
James was just used to it.
He ceased his perusal of the oh-so-interesting ceiling of Hogwarts in order to quirk an eyebrow at her questioningly, "Yes?" he asked.
Lily glared at him. "Stop being evasive."
James' other eyebrow joined its twin halfway between his eyes and his hairline as he looked at her, "I'm not being evasive, I simply do not know what you're talking about." He went back to examining the ceiling.
Lily glared at him steadily and pointed an accusing finger at him. "You do so. The thing you said before the thing about Sirius."
James moved his feet a quarter-turn clockwise so as to examine the stretch of ceiling from a different angle. "About the roll?" he inquired disractedly.
Lily decided that the only way to deal with stubborn James Potter was to be just a tad bit forceful. So she grabbed his chin and yanked it down until he was bent over, his surprised eyes level with hers and their noses only inches apart.
"No," she glared at him fiercely, "About the…other thing."
James reached up to straighten his skewed glasses. "Oh," he said through Lily's grip on his chin, "That."
Lily released his face and stepped back expectantly, "Yes," she said, "That."
James rubbed his chin where she had gripped it and moved his jaw about a bit, "I personally find the thing I said about the roll to be a much more endearing topic of discussion," he stated matter-of-factly.
Lily looked at him blandly. "Well, I don't. So tell me what you meant."
James stopped working his jaw and glanced at her quickly before taking his glasses off to polish them on the sleeves of his robes. Lily tapped her foot impatiently.
"Er…well…" he finished polishing his glasses and slipped them back onto the bridge of his nose, glancing at her sideways, "You were supposed to forget about that."
Lily quirked an eyebrow. "Why?"
"Because I wasn't supposed to say it."
"Why?"
"Because it was a bad thing to say."
"Why?"
"Because I haven't gotten to that part of the plan yet."
"Wh-…Plan? What plan?" Lily looked at him sharply and narrowed her eyes.
James let his head fall back in defeat, "Oh bugger it," he said to the ceiling, "Are you sure I can't do a memory charm on you? It won't hurt, I promise…" his brows furrowed at the ceiling, "I think."
Lily waved his question off with an impatient flick of her hand, "Yes, I am sure. And what plan?"
James sighed and remained standing with his head lolled back, addressing the ceiling as he spoke. His voice was slightly distorted because of the odd position of his neck, and his Adam's Apple bobbed as he talked, "The one concerning how to get you to fall in love with me," He said hastily, "Are you sure you're sure?"
Lily nodded and kept her gaze fixed on him in persistence, "Yes. You have a plan to get me to fall in love with you?"
James waved a hand at the ceiling, "Yes, it's very complex. Are you sure you're sure you're sure?"
"Yes, James! I'm sure! Why did you make a plan?"
He shrugged. "Because I saw no other way to rectify the situation. Are you sure you're sure you're sure you're sure?"
"JAMES, I AM POSITIVE!" she stormed forward and pushed him backwards. His gaze fell upon her and she pointed to the portrait of the jester goblin, "Now go!"
James looked at the goblin questioningly. The goblin shrugged, it's bells jingling slightly. James looked back to Lily, "Go where?"
Lily rolled her eyes and raised her voice in annoyance, "Don't go anywhere, just tell me what you meant!"
James looked at her reprimandingly, "You shouldn't act irritated, Lily. You can't tell someone to 'go' and not expect them to inquire as to where they should be going."
Lily stomped her foot. Again. "Would you stop avoiding the subject?"
James looked at her questioningly, "What subject?"
"The one we were talking about earlier!"
His forehead wrinkled, "The Sirius one? I thought you said you didn-"
Lily threw her hands in the air and screamed. "NOT THE SIRIUS ONE, YOU DOLT! THE ONE WHERE YOU SAID YOU LOVED ME!" She looked back down at him, breathing heavily, her eyes wild.
James examined the hall around them. "The portraits are staring at you."
Lily breathed through her nose deeply, "I don't care."
He looked back at her and shrugged. "Good then. Just thought you ought to know."
"James." It was a one-word set of commands again.
He tore his eyes away from the suit of armor he had been examining and looked at her, "Hmm?"
"I am about to hex you," she stated matter-of-factly.
James nodded as if this were obvious. "Yes, I know."
Lily's lips thinned. "Would you like me not to hex you?"
He nodded, putting his hands back in his pockets. "That would be preferable, yes."
She relaxed a bit and smoothed her shirt, "Then you are going to have to tell me what you meant."
"Well I would think it was obvious," stated James, taking his wand out to polish it on his robes.
Lily picked a piece of lint from her shirt and let it float to the floor. "Well I would think you were wrong."
James examined the tip of his wand, "Are you sure?"
Lily picked off another piece of lint, pinching it between her fingers and narrowing her eyes at it menacingly before letting it fall to the floor as well. "Yes."
James turned his wand around to examine the handle, "Are you sure you're sure?"
Lily pinched the lint harder and gritted her teeth. "Yes!"
James held his wand out in front of him to examine the entire length. "Are you su-"
Lily snapped, "JAMES HAROLD POTTER!" she roared.
James stuffed his wand in his pocket and smiled broadly, jumping to take her hand and pump it furiously, "Yes! Nice to meet you! You're Lily Evans, I presume?" He continued pumping her hand enthusiastically.
Lily glared at him, her right shoulder shaking slightly as he shook her hand and a piece of her hair falling over her eye.
"Green or purple?" she asked.
James finally stopped shaking her hand and cocked his head to the side inquiringly. "Pardon?"
Lily glared some more, "Green or purple?"
James furrowed his brow and looked at her politely, "I'm afraid I don't understand."
"Your tentacles," Lily said, pulling out her wand, "Would you like them green or purple?"
James straightened and tilted his chin up in understanding. "Ah," he said. He seemed to contemplate it for a moment. "Well I'm rather partial to green, actually."
The goblin dove out the side of his frame as Lily jabbed her wand at James. There was a loud bang, and James' head was engulfed in smoke for a few seconds before it cleared and he was left standing in front of Lily with large, green, octopus-like tentacles protruding from the top of his head.
Lily admired her spellwork with mildly detached interest.
James grabbed one of the writhing tentacles and examined it, looking from the slimy thing in his hand to his black sweater beneath his robes.
"Thank you," he said, "These go nicely with my sweater, don't you think?"
Lily stopped in her act of polishing her wand and looked at him sharply, "James, do not underestimate me. I will make those things strangle you if you do not tell me this instant what it was you meant."
"Okay," said James, releasing his tentacle and looking at her.
Lily waited.
And waited.
And wa-
She leaned towards him poked her chin out slightly to prompt him to speak, "Okay….?"
James shrugged, "Okay, I'll tell you."
Lily straightened and nodded. "Okay."
The looked at each other, neither saying anything.
Lily began tapping her foot.
"You have four seconds, James," she stated.
James looked at her questioningly, "Four? Can't we up that to five? I rather like the number five better."
Lily held up three fingers and began ticking them off. "Three…two…"
"What happened to four?"
"…On-"
James sighed in defeat, "Oh fine," he said grudgingly, "I love you."
Lily's last finger froze in its countdown. "…What?" she said.
James raised his eyebrows at her, "You usually don't strike me as much of a redundant person, Lily, but today I'm considering revising my thoughts on that subject."
Lily only looked at him incomprehensively, "You…you…l-…lll-…you llo-…"
James helped her out. "I love you? Yep."
Lily gaped, if possible, even wider. "…But…but…what?"
"Lily, seriously, redundancy. It isn't befitting of you."
Lily didn't move, "But…but…why?"
James shrugged, "Well I suppose it's because I'm so used to all those witty retorts following my advances on you. They aren't usually so redundant. But it could be the fa-"
Lily's mouth closed a bit and she once again waved her hand dismissively, "No, not why to that. Why do you ll-…lll-…"
James helped her out again, "Love you?"
Lily stared at him. "Ya. That."
James stroked his chin thoughtfully. "Hmm. Well I suppose it's all those witty retorts that follow my advances on you."
Lily gaped. "What?"
"The redundancy, Lily. It's got to stop."
Lily's eyes snapped a bit and she straightened, "You should be used to redundancy, Potter. You're only a walking example of it."
James donned his innocent expression again, "Whatever do you mean?"
Lily looked at him dully, "You've asked me out every day since January 5th in our fourth year," she said.
"It was the sixth," he corrected.
"There will only be a sixth of your pancreas left if you don't stop avoiding my question."
James smiled and bounced on his toes again, "Ah, now there's the Lily I know and love!"
Lily gaped at him again before snapping her mouth closed and speaking, "But why? And don't you dare ask 'why what?'"
He sighed tiredly before gesturing at her with his hands, "I've already told you. It's the witty retorts, the way your hair spreads across your shoulder when your standing still or eating your usual ham and potato chip sandwich (which, by the way, is odd), the way you bite your lip like you're doing now when you're thinking or worried, the way your smile makes everyone happy with you, the way…" he tapered off and looked at her benignly, "I could continue with this corniness for quite awhile, but I've learned from experience that very few people continue to listen after about the fifth reason."
Lily stared at him in astonishment. "You're…you're serious, aren't you?"
"No, I'm James. Sirius is stuffing his face with Pumpkin Pasties in our dorm right now. He claims they're a cure for cancer."
Lily looked at him blandly, "The Sirius joke got old in third year. And Sirius doesn't have cancer."
James quirked an eyebrow. "Try telling him that."
Lily nearly smiled before she remembered herself and pointed at him accusingly, "You've gotten us off-topic again."
"I know." He gave her a lopsided grin.
Lily ignored him and instead looked at him seriously, "You really…you really meant all that stuff?"
James nodded. "Yep."
"I…you…you're not just…not just in it for…the challenge?" She sounded baffled and somewhat vulnerable.
James scoffed and looked at her indignantly, "Lily, getting you to go out with me is not a challenge. It's an impossible feat that will only result in death or dismemberment. Or castration, though hopefully you'll be kind enough to stick with the death or dismemberment. But I have my doubts."
"Well, then why do you do it?"
James shrugged again, "Because I love you."
Lily's arms fell to her sides limply. "Oh."
James looked at her amusedly and rocked back on his heels. "Yes. Oh."
Lily's mind was furiously working to wrap itself again, "But…but wh-"
James interrupted her, "Lily, will you go out with me?"
Lily's mouth paused in it's formation of the word "why," and instead uttered, "Yes."
James shrugged nonchalantly and looked around the hall, "Okay, just thought I'd as-" he stopped and snapped his head back to face her, "Wait, what?"
Lily looked at him confusedly, "What what?"
James' gaze was penetrating, "You just said…you just said yes."
Lily gaped at him, "What? No I didn't."
Did she?
James slowly began to smile, lifting a hand out of his pocket to point at her, "Yes you did. You said yes."
Lily shook her head frantically, "No! No I did not!"
James smiled maniacally and jumped up and down jubilantly, still pointing at her, "Lily! You're in love with me! I KNEW it!" He pumped a fist into the air and spun in a circle, cackling maniacally. The goblin joined in his celebration, its hat flying off and hitting a sleeping monk in the frame next to it.
Lily was still shaking her head, "What? No- no I'm not! No, I'm not in-"
But she was interrupted, however, when James Potter covered her mouth with his own, backing her into the stone wall behind them and fisting his hands into her hair.
Her mind completely gave up on wrapping itself around the situation and instead took a vacation in Italy. She slowly began moving her own lips in time with his, and her hands snuck up to grip his robes at his chest.
He pulled away and grinned at her, "I so just proved you wrong."
Lily kept staring at his lips. His wonderful, wonderful lips, "…What?" Her hands still gripped the front of his robes and her mind completely unraveled, pooling in a heap of thread somewhere near the vicinity of her heart.
James kept grinning, "You're in love with me," he stated.
Lily moved her gaze to his eyes, "…What?" Her hands were slowly loosening their grip on his robes, and she was sure that at any moment she would wake up in her bed and be staring at nothing but the crimson canopy of her bed in Gryffindor Tower wondering just how much a room at the insane ward of St. Mungo's cost.
"What'd your roll ever do to you?"
She blinked. "What?"
James removed a hand from its place on her waist and gestured towards the Great Hall, "You're roll. What'd it do to you to make you mutilate it so."
Lily stared at him in amazement for a moment, blinking a few times to clear her head before raising an eyebrow at him. "You're incredibly adept at changing the subject."
He raised an eyebrow to match her own. "You're incredibly adept at being redundant."
The other eyebrow crept up her forehead, "So are you."
He waved it off again, looking down the Entrance Hall. "Yes, but it's befitting of me. I'm James Potter. I'm a male. I have the attention span of Sirius in a room full of shiny things," He snapped his attention back to her suddenly, "Why were you mutilating your roll?"
She sighed in defeat and looked down at her hands gripping his robes. She didn't see any reason to lie other than to save her pride. Which, incidentally, had been completely demolished when she had kissed James Potter back.
"…Because I figured out I was in love with you."
He chuckled and leaned his forehead against hers, "Sucks, doesn't it?"
She nodded against his forehead and sighed. "Very much so."
They were silent for a while, each lost in their own thoughts, both a little bit bewildered that things could change so suddenly. And then…
"Care for a snog?"
Lily pulled away from him slightly and looked up sharply, narrowing her eyes in disbelief, "You are so vulgar."
James smiled smugly, "Ya, but you love me for it."
Lily rolled her eyes. "This isn't going to stop for a long, long time, is it?" she sighed resignedly.
"Nope. Redundancy is my forte, remember?" He tugged on a lock of her hair, "I know this nice roomy broom cupboard up on the third floor…"
She snorted. "I'm not snogging you in a broom cupboard." She pulled away from him completely and began brushing nonexistent dirt from the front of her robes.
James put his hands in his pockets and leaned back on his heels. "Fine…how 'bout behind that suit of armor?" He inclined his head towards the suit of armor that had been scratching its bum.
Lily wrinkled her nose at it. "No."
"Are you sure?"
She looked up at him warningly and narrowed her eyes. "Don't even start."
"Are you sure you're sure?"
"James…"
"Are you sure you're sure you're sure?" He was smiling at her goofily, leaning back on his heels with an eyebrow raised in question.
Lily looked at him skeptically for a moment before flipping her hair over her shoulder and tying it back into a ponytail briskly. "Yes. I would think it would be rather hard to snog someone with tentacles sprouting from their head." Her eyes showed the slightest trace of amusement as she turned on her heel and began walking towards Gryffindor Tower, "I'll see you next Hogsmeade, James," she called over her shoulder, answering the question that was most surely on his lips. She waved her wand carelessly over the top of her head and the tentacles on James' head disappeared in a puff of green smoke.
Step step step step step step, door closing.
James reached up to put a hand to his now tentacle-less head and blinked at her retreating back in wonderment, "…What?"