Forever Broken
He was a doctor. A qualified, supposedly brilliant, doctor and he hadn't been able to do anything to help her. He couldn't heal her; couldn't ease her passing. All he'd been able to do was hold her hand and provide a familiar face as her body slowly shut down; as she struggled and failed to stay alive. He'd failed. A cure for the disease was all she had needed. If he'd found it, she would still be here. But he hadn't: he'd had all of the knowledge of the Ancients at his fingertips and he couldn't find a cure.
She was—had been—so strong, but she'd cried at the end; broken, full of pain, and scared for what was to come. Her face had creased in pain, crystal-like drops falling down her pale cheeks. His heart had shattered then: so pained at how the disease took away her strength, her vibrancy and her words, leaving her lethargic, pale and speechless. Her dark hair was tied back, the contrast between its color and her pallor of her face startling. He'd researched the disease every moment he had when he had no patients, always coming up empty handed.
A few days before she died, she'd ordered him to give her a radio, and she'd addressed the whole expedition. She'd told them she was going to die, about how they needed to go on, how they should look after one another and how to deal with her passing. She'd sounded so calm, so in control as she spoke, but when she switched off the headset and passed it to him, there were tears in her eyes and she was trembling.
He'd admired her up until the end – he still did. How much courage did it take to face your own death? He doubted he had it in himself. She'd looked out for everyone else first, telling her visitors to remember her well and that she'd always be with them; comforting them and serving their needs before her own. To face what hand fate had dealt her took so much courage, but the way she handled it took a person you only came across once in a lifetime. They'd talked so much at the end, and never once did he hear her ask why this had happened to her or why she should be the one to suffer.
Carson looked around his quarters with dark, bloodshot eyes. As of today, Elizabeth Weir had been gone a week. The expedition had turned back to the normal routine of life on Atlantis under the leadership of John Sheppard, escaping their emotions in the schedule that had been drilled into their memory. It must be nice, he thought, to be able to think of something else. He'd tried to follow their model, to return to his routine, but it mocked him. This time any other day and he would have been eating breakfast with Elizabeth. The meals had started as meetings to fit the medical needs of Atlantis into her busy schedule, but the meals strayed from their original purpose as the two talked more and more about other things. He'd looked forward to breakfast every morning; looked forward to talking with her, having her company. They'd become fast friends. He felt a stab of pain when he remembered their closeness. Soon, breakfasts had become second to their quiet, intimate chats they had out on the balcony by her office as Atlantis slowly settled down for the night.
Things had progressed so fast between them. One minute he'd gone from knowing her medical record to knowing her: her personality, her memories… The more he knew about her, the more he liked her, the closer they became…the more he loved her. He didn't know when he'd started thinking of her like that; he couldn't pinpoint an exact time, but it'd happened. Somewhere along the hours they spent together, he'd begun to think of her as more than a friend. He'd given her small gifts on occasion, and she'd responded with glowing thanks and a kiss on the cheek. It had seemed so natural.
And then they'd found out about the disease. She'd come into the infirmary during the afternoon for a check-up. Headaches, nausea, weakness in her legs – it could've been a simple case of the flu or too much stress, but she'd had it double-checked just in case. He'd run a few tests and that was when they'd discovered the disease. It wasn't contagious, and they surmised that she'd gotten it from a native insect. It was ironic how something so little, so pesky, could kill a woman so great.
He'd wanted so badly to tell her at the end: to tell her how he couldn't stop thinking about her, how wonderful she was, how much he'd grown to love her…but he hadn't. If she didn't feel the same way – and even if she did – he didn't want her to put her in more distress than she was already in. To start something so new in their relationship, something she could only get a glimpse of before she died, was cruel. So he'd held back, always being there for her and devoting himself to her but never saying the words, waiting for a chance, the right chance…something he would never have.
He lost his focus on life. Nothing seemed to have the same sparkle, the same intrigue, anymore. All he could think about was Elizabeth: how she was gone and would never come back. Hindsight plagued him night and day and he couldn't find an escape from this torment; the never-ending questions that beset him every minute. What happened threw his life into little fragments, and the scattered pieces hadn't moved since. He didn't know how to put them back together, or even if they'd fit together again.
Medicine had failed him; failed him when he needed it most. Whenever he saved a patient, he inwardly rejoiced, and when he lost one, he agonized. But nothing had affected him like this. What if the cure had been just a few experiments away? Could he have found it before she died? He should've worked harder, tried to stop it. Did she hate him for not finding a cure?
He knew the answers already, but grief stole away his logic, and he was left with nothing but questions. Questions, questions, and more questions; wondering if he'd done all he could have, if there had been a way for Elizabeth to survive. His logic told him that the questions were pointless. She was gone, gone forever. And he was forever broken.
Author's Note: I never thought I'd find myself writing a Carson/Elizabeth story, but here it is! I hope you guys enjoyed it. Per usual, characters, setting, etc, are property of MGM/Sony and other people who aren't me. :) Feedback is always welcomed!