They said she wasn't paying attention. That she never saw it coming. That she my have jumped. No one really knows for sure. They told me she didn't feel a thing. That she was gone instantly, her body just didn't know it yet… but I know better… Jane, my Jane was dead long before that car hit her. I killed her. Sure, I wasn't the one driving, I didn't hold a gun to her head and pull the trigger, but I killed her just the same as if I had. I broke her heart. I cheated on her. I killed her on the inside. Her body just didn't know it yet. I saw the light go out in hers eyes, her heart brake. I watched her run of sobbing. I fallowed her to make sure she at least got home safely knowing that I probably saw the last of my Jane, and that I would be lucky if I ever even got to see Joan.

Sure, Jane didn't die right away after the accident, but it would have been better…easier if she had. Her mom didn't want to let go, the kept her on life support for over a month. I watched her as she wasted a way. The doctor tried to reason with Mrs. Girardi, tried to tell the Jane would only suffer that she was already dead before she even hit the ground. That she was brain dead. That they could do nothing for my Jane.

For weeks, I prayed for a miracle. Knowing that it would never come. Knowing that I had lost some thing so irreplaceable. Then the day came when they decide to end it… all of my Jane's suffering. She wouldn't have to hurt any more and could rest in peace whatever that was.

I said good-bye for the final time. Told her loved her more than any one and kissed her forehead, that I would love her forever. Her hair had gotten in to her face, I brushed it away and I thought I saw her eye lids flutter. Some thing I prayed for, for so long that I thought imagined it.

As I sat waiting in the hall for Jane's family to say good by, Kevin rolled out beside me. I have to hand it to the guy, even in a wheelchair he still terrifies me. (You know the kind of brother that doesn't have to say a word but stills lets you know that he'll kill you if you hurt his baby sister.) He didn't speak at first, just sat there. "You know Joan loved, you made the last year of her life happy." He paused and took a deep breath "I'll be forever grateful for that."

I felt like such a heal. For not telling them. For braking Jane's heart.

I heard the Doctor speak to a nurse as he turned off the ventilator, "such waste, she was so beautiful." He said. The machined started to buzz the, Mrs. G. sobbed, Doctor spoke again. Time of death 12:35:06 pm November 30…" he never finished speaking the heart monitor beeped once, twice, until Jane's heart was going steadily.

I fallowed Kevin back in to her just as her eyes fluttered open. My prays had been answered, my Jane would be ok after all.

8888888888

Five years latter I'm watching my Jane walk down the ail toward me, in St. Micelles Cathedral.