Disclaimer: Could they be...NOT. MINE? Well, except for Jamie. He is the beautiful creation of Jess and I.

Author's notes: This took a lot of time and effort on the parts of a lot of people, so I hope you all enjoy reading it as much as I've enjoyed writing it. It's slightly AU, because its never going to happen. And all of you E/O fiends out there, bear with me, it gets better, I promise.

Jess- Truly could NOT have done this without you, I hope you know that. You've helped me so much, not just with this story, but with life in general. And thanks for the grammar review on dialogue and capitilization and such; I'll never forget it, haha. I love you so much mon petite schnitzel! Shangrl-la.

Gem- All of your witty remarks and encouraging words have helped me get to the point of posting, and I thank you so much! I love you!

Mary- Thank you so much for your support and everything you've done, I love you! PS: "You're Amazing"

Em- Thanks for the last minute title and grammar help. It was much needed and definetely appreciated! Muuahhh!

This story is for Laura, who I promised I would write something for a long time ago, but never got around to it. I've finally gotten around to it, Laura, so here it is! Thank you for all you do, my love!

Chapter 1

"Olivia?"

She heard the voice and knew exactly who it was. She heard the smile and the sex oozing out with his words and she felt the hairs on her neck stand up. Damn him. Five years could make a person forget a whole hell of a lot, but she would never forget his voice or the overwhelming effect it had on her. The way he spoke her name was something that was forever seared in her mind, and she had spent the better part of a half a decade trying to chase it out of her head. She had almost succeeded up until a few seconds ago.

She now had a couple of choices. She could pretend that the loud sounds of the traffic and the people milling about around her had somehow muffled her hearing and continue on about her business without so much as acknowledging him. Or she could take the plunge, and turn around, and face him for the first time in shortly over five years. It was such a hard decision to make in such a short amount of time.

Option number one might work, except knowing him, he'd immediately notice the way her back straightened and her pace slowed the moment she heard her name falling from his lips.

Option number two could work too, because she desperately wanted nothing more than to turn around and pretend like the last five-plus years hadn't happened, and the months leading up to his departure were magically gone and everything was OK again.

Back when she was just his partner. When they didn't have drunken heart to hearts that led to the ultimate demise of what was already their already decaying friendship. When her existence in the world wasn't everything she wanted it to be, but it was enough. When life was good.

Those thoughts alone made her turn around without a second's hesitation and face the man who broke her into a million pieces all those years ago. A small part of her had always hung on to what they had, or yet, what they didn't have. An even smaller part of her thought that she might just be able to forget everything that happened, and focus on what used to be before everything went so drastically wrong, rather than what more than likely is now.

"Elliot." His name came out as the barest hint of a dry whisper and she knew he didn't hear her, but he was staring dead at her, so she knew he could read her lips. The same smile and sex that dripped from his words was now a look plastered on his face. He made no move to hug her, or even speak; though she could tell he wanted to do all of the above. He just stood there, looking intently at her. Watching her, watch him. People pushed their way past them as they stood halting the sidewalk traffic on the crowded New York street.

It started to become too much. His intense glare; she felt like he was touching her and it repulsed her and made warm heat pool between her legs, all at the same time. All of the reasons she hated him started to flood her mind and she began to second- guess her motives for turning around and facing him in the first place. She had to get out of there, and she needed to do it fast.

"I, uh. Well, I. It's really good to see you Elliot, but I'm late meeting a friend. I'd love to stay and chat, but um, well, you know where to find me." She stuttered.

That was such a lie. First of all, she had no friend she had to meet. Secondly, he had no clue where to find her. She didn't work at the 16th precinct anymore, and she had long since moved out of her old apartment. She wasn't kidding herself. She knew if he really wanted to find her, he would, but she was hoping to God that this was just a chance meeting, and nothing more. She hoped that he hated her as much as she hated him.

"Olivia! Wait!" He shouted.

She heard him call after her and it only made her walk faster. She walked until she felt as though she would pass out if she didn't sit down. Finding a bench, she sat down blindly and took a deep breath. As she exhaled, somewhat of a choked sob rose from within her. She felt like an idiot, sitting on a bench, crying like a child, but she had nowhere else to go. She couldn't go home without arousing suspicion in her nearly hysterical state, and just like it always had been, she had no close girlfriends to run to when things got tough. She looked down at her left hand and ran her fingers along the diamond ring on her fourth finger.

She was living a lie.

---------------------------------------

"Hey honey, how was your day off?" Jamie's excited voice came from the kitchen.

Olivia walked into the brownstone that she shared with her fiancée of two years. He was in the kitchen, making dinner, and though all hell had broken loose in her heart and soul over the past couple of hours, she couldn't help but smile. It was rare she was home at the same time as he, and even more so uncommon, and somewhat scary, for him to be cooking.

"What on earth are you doing?" She found it in her somewhere to laugh at the sight in front of her. The kitchen was torn apart from one end to the other and there was food all over the place.

"I'm making you dinner." He smiled meekly. He looked like a little boy who just attempted to make his parents breakfast in bed—and failed miserably.

"Oh that's so sweet," she said as she reached up and gave him a quick kiss on the lips. She turned to walk out of the kitchen and he pulled her back to him, attacking her face with kisses. "What's the occasion?" Olivia smiled as his hand trailed down and pushed the hem of her shirt up to lightly skim the warm skin there.

"Well, for starters, I have an amazingly gorgeous and sexy fiancée who I love more than anything. And we're also both home at the same time, for the rest of the night; the whole night. That doesn't happen very often," he said, moving wet kisses down the column of her throat. "And I thought we should take advantage of it."

"Hmmm, that sounds wonderful." She sighed in contentment. "I'm going to go jump in the shower while you finish doing whatever it is you're doing in here." She grinned.

"What? You're not gonna wait for me?" Jamie pouted playfully. "I'm cooking you dinner, the least you could do is let me shower with you and that beautiful body of yours." He said, grabbing her butt playfully.

"Later." She said with a small smile as she pulled away from him and headed towards the bedroom. Any other night she would have loved the idea of being able to have dinner with Jamie, showering with him, and spending the entire night in bed; but any other night wouldn't have been a night she was still reeling after a run-in with Elliot. Tonight; however; was that night and she wanted nothing more than to stand in the shower for as long as she possibly could and wash the feelings of his intense stare and visual touches off of her body.

She started to shed her clothes as she walked into the bathroom. She fixed the knobs and waited for the water to become steaming hot before she stepped under the spray. She let out a shaky sigh as she began to almost vigorously scrub at her body, as if there were something physically there that she needed to wash off. In her mind, it was Elliot that was covering her body and she needed to get him off of her.

As much as she tried not to think about it, she couldn't stop. It was like an ailment she couldn't cure. She had finally gotten to the point in her life where she had accepted the fact that he was gone, and there was nothing to do with herself but move on. But even after being engaged to Jamie, it was still hard for her. At least once a day Elliot would creep slowly back into her mind and drive her crazy; and that was on a good day.

She kept up a good façade and Jamie was none the wiser, though she hated herself because of it. He didn't know that although she loved him, she wished that it were Elliot lying next to her every night. He didn't know that sometimes, after a particularly bad day, she would let him make love to her and she would close her eyes and make believe it was Elliot all over her body, deep inside of her, making her dizzy with pleasure. From time to time, she even had to literally bite her tongue to prevent Elliot's name from slipping out of her mouth instead of his. Having sex with Jamie was like having a threesome because somehow, Elliot was always there.

It made her hate herself even more when she really thought about how five years had passed and she still felt like this. She couldn't shake him. As much as she wanted to, she just couldn't make herself forget him. Though she wanted nothing more than to be able to have experienced making love to Elliot, she never got the chance. Whatever new type of relationship they had stepped into all those years ago was over before it even started.

5 years ago

"Elliot, your drunk ass can hardly walk, let alone make it back to Queens alive. You're so crashing on my couch tonight, my friend," Olivia laughed as they staggered out of the bar. "You know, you have some weight on me and I'm almost as drunk as you are; if you go down, I'm going down with you and when we get back up, I will attempt to kick your ass. Look alive, Stabler," she said, patting him hard on back, hoping to perk him up a bit.

"I'm too drunk to argue, or even think of a comeback. C'mon. Let's go to your apartment," Elliot said, slinging his arm around Olivia's shoulders and trying to put his weight on her.

"What the hell did I just tell you? Do you want to end up on the sidewalk in the middle of January? You're on your own, buddy." She said, pushing away from him. She laughed when he nearly fell over, but was saved by a parking meter that he held on to for dear life.

"Get a cab Liv, and quick. The world is spinning right now and it's not a good feeling." He said, resting his cheek on the top of the meter.

"Who knew you were such a pussy when it came to drinking. The guys are gonna love to hear about this on Monday."

"Tell them and I'll kill you with my own two hands." He mumbled.

"Bite me. Its not as if you're going to remember any of this tomorrow anyways." She smiled and hailed a taxi.

They made it back to Olivia's apartment, although it was quite some work to get Elliot out of the cab and upstairs. She had never seen him so drunk before. She knew the recent separation from Kathy had a lot to do with his pissy mood and his need to drink, but the Elliot that was practically crawling into her apartment, was not the Elliot she had come to know and love over the past eight years. She felt bad and she wished there was something, anything she could do to make him feel better, but she knew spending time with him and offering a listening ear was about all she could do. As amusing as it was to watch him in his inebriated state, he was starting to get on her nerves. She wanted to go out and have a good time and try and loosen him up a bit, not nurse some poor, depressed drunk. He was definitely a buzz-kill.

"Uh, Liv, I think I'm gonna puke." Elliot moaned as he clutched the wall, trying to make his way to the bathroom.

"You puke anywhere in my house that isn't a toilet, I'm going to be the one doing the killing. Come on, you jackass." She said, grabbing him and quickly getting him to bathroom. She helped him get down on the floor and shook her head as he clutched the toilet and began to puke; she was still mildly amused at the entire situation.

As he prayed to the porcelain gods, she grabbed a washcloth out of the cabinet and ran it under cold water. Kneeling down next to him, she placed the wet rag on the back of his neck, and rubbed his back. If there was one thing she never expected to be doing, it was taking care of Elliot as he was puking his guts out in her bathroom. But she knew if the situation were reversed, he would have done the same for her.

"Ughhhh, I feel like shit." Elliot groaned as he sat up and leaned back against the bathtub. Olivia got up and wet the cloth again and handed it to him.

"I can't even begin to imagine why." She said sarcastically. It was awkwardly silent, both of them trying to ignore the conversation they know they needed to have.

"Are you mad at me, Liv?" He asked timidly, sounding like a little boy.

"Mad? No. Irritated, well, maybe just a little. I mean really, Elliot. You've been a jerk to me for months, you finally tell me what's bothering you and when I try to help you and you thank me by drinking yourself into a stupor and getting sick all over my bathroom. If you would just talk to me instead of drinking yourself to death, I might just be able to help you. But I can't unless you let me." She sighed, sitting down next to him on the floor.

"I'm sorry, Olivia, I really am. I just have so many feelings running through me, and I'm so confused and I wouldn't even know where to start. I'm sorry that I pushed you away, and I can't promise that I won't continue to push you away, but it means a hell of a lot to me that you're here and not going anywhere." Elliot said, putting his arm around her and pulling her close.

"I can only be pushed so far Elliot. Keep pushing, and I just might not be here anymore," she said seriously, "But of all the times I wish you'd push me away, now is one of them," she laughed lightly, "You stink! Take a shower, brush your teeth, do something because you reek." She got up off the floor and threw a bath towel at him. "Do you want something to drink? Beer? Tequila?" She shot him a clever smirk.

"Oh God, I don't think I'll ever drink again. But thanks for making me want to puke some more." Elliot said, rubbing his hands over his face.

"Anytime, partner, anytime." She laughed as she closed the bathroom door.

5 years later

Olivia stepped out of the shower, wrapping a terrycloth robe around her wet body. She grabbed a towel off the rack and began to squeeze some of the excess water out of her hair. Just then, the door opened and Jamie stepped in with a smile on his face.

"What?" Olivia asked, slightly jumpy after all the reminiscing she did while she was in the shower.

"Nothing, I just came in here to check on you and make sure you didn't die. You've been in the shower for almost forty-five minutes."

"Oh, sorry, I guess it just felt good."

"No need to apologize, my love. You deserve the relaxation. But dinner's almost ready, so why don't you get dressed and by the time you're done, dinner should be as well."

"Thank you, I'll be out in a few minutes." Olivia said, pressing a quick kiss to his lips.

She quickly got dressed and left the bedroom only to find the dim living space illuminated entirely by candlelight with soft strings of music floating in the background. It was so beautiful; she felt her breath catch in her throat and the tears spring to her eyes. In all the time she'd been with Jamie, she couldn't remember him doing anything like this before: something so romantic and sweet. It was almost as if he knew she needed something to take her mind off of Elliot. It made her love Jamie even more, which in turn, made the constant ache in her heart grow. She didn't know how she was going to make him leave her mind, but she'd be damned if she was going to let Elliot Stabler ruin her night.

"You like?" Jamie asked, coming up behind her and wrapping his arms around her waist. She leaned into his embrace and held his arms tightly.

"I love. Thank you so much," she whispered. "No one's ever done something like this for me before. Thank you." She felt the tears filling her eyes quickly and she shut them in an attempt to keep them at bay, but all it did was force the moisture to spill on to her cheeks.

"You don't ever have to thank me," he said quietly in her ear, "Its my pleasure to do this for you and I only wish I had the time to do it more often. I love you, Olivia." He said, kissing the sensitive spot right below her ear.

"Hey, hey, what's the matter?" Jamie asked, turning her around to face her when he heard her sniffle in attempt to keep her composure.

"I don't know, I really don't. I just—I love you so much." She cried as she buried her face in the crook of his neck.

"Shhh, I know Olivia, I know. I love you too." He held her and they rocked gently back and forth in each other's arms. He didn't question her any further; he just held her and let her cry. He was perfect in that sense. She always knew she could talk to him, but when she didn't want to, or really didn't know what to say, he was content with simply holding her and reassuring her of his love. The one thing in her life she never doubted was how much this man loved her.

She and Jamie had met through mutual friends about four years earlier and Olivia wouldn't deny that there was a lot of initial attraction between them. He was handsome, funny, kind, and understood her job at the time. Everything she had ever looked for in a man and there he was, but she didn't want him. She wanted Elliot, and no one else. But Elliot was gone, and there was no chance of him coming back, so she had to try and get on with her life.

Jamie was a neurosurgeon in Los Angeles before he moved to New York and to become the Chief of the Neurosurgery department at Mt. Sinai. He was only in town for the weekend when they had gone out the first time. Olivia had a good time, did the whole "call me when you're in town again" song and dance, knowing she had no intention of seeing him again. At that point, she was quite content throwing herself into her work and wallowing in her misery all by herself in her free time. Jamie called her several times before she literally forced herself to pick up the phone and talk to him. He told her that he was in New York for good and would really like to see her because he thought she was a wonderful woman and had such a great time the last time they went out. She was a sucker for charm, and couldn't say no to him.

They went out when Olivia's schedule allowed and she found herself growing attached to him. She was sure it wasn't for the right reasons, but it felt good to have a man in her life again; a man that wasn't going to hurt her or leave her. They fell into a routine and she spent most nights with him at his house. After much persuading on his part, Olivia moved in with Jamie, seeing as she spent more time at his place than her own. Weeks and months turned into years and before she knew it, they were well on their way to becoming Dr. and Mrs. James Delfino.

He had proposed to her in a way that every woman dreamed of. They were on vacation in St. Thomas and one night when walking on the beach at sunset, he grabbed her hand, slipped a ring on it, slid down to his knee and asked her to be his wife. For that moment, she could almost convince herself that she was truly happy. She had fooled herself into believing for so long, that this is what she wanted, that it just felt like saying 'yes' was the logical thing to do. After all, somewhere deep down, she really did love him.

It was a typical love story, really. Girl meets boy. Girl uses boy to forget the asshole. Boy falls in love with girl. Girl has no choice but to love boy since he loves her so much. Girl and boy get engaged. Girl becomes more lost than she ever was before. Girl hates herself. And the rest they say is history.

She wasn't lying when she told Jamie she loved him, but she wasn't telling the whole truth, either. She loved him, not the way a woman should love the man she's about to marry, but she did love him. She prayed everyday, though to whom, she didn't quite know, that she would be able to forget Elliot and move on and make a life with Jamie. She had been praying that for every single day for the last three years, and so far, it hadn't worked. She was beginning to wonder if there was a reason for that. Maybe things with Elliot didn't work out for a reason, and maybe things with Jamie weren't working out for a reason. Maybe seeing Elliot today was more than a coincidence. Maybe it was a sign.

"Dammit!" Olivia sobbed, cursing the thoughts inside of her head.

"What's the matter?" Jamie asked, pulling her back so he could look her in the eyes.

"You were trying to put on a romantic evening for the two of us and here I am, blubbering all over you. I'm sorry." She lied quickly. She didn't know how else to explain her sudden outburst.

"Olivia, its okay. If you need to cry, cry. You know I'll hold you as long as you need me to." He said pressing a chaste kiss to her forehead.

Olivia looked up and stared into his eyes. God, she hated herself for what she was about to do, but she needed Jamie inside of her to make Elliot get the hell out. She reached up and ran her fingers across his stubbly chin.

"Make love to me." She whispered.

"But dinner…" Jamie trailed off.

"We can heat it up in a little while, I need you. I need you so much Jamie, it hurts."

"You know I could never deny you." He said as he leaned down and placed a gentle, loving kiss to her lips. Olivia snaked her hands around to cup the back of his neck, pulling him further into her mouth. He wrapped one arm tightly around her waist, pulling their lower bodies in direct contact with one another. The other hand, he tangled in her hair, deepening their kiss. She swallowed his moan and she began to slowly rock her pelvis into his straining erection. She slid a hand between them and deftly unbuttoned and unzipped his jeans, slipping her hand inside to cup the long length of him.

"I need you now." She moaned into his mouth as she started to walk him backwards towards the bedroom that they shared. By the time they got there, Olivia had both of their shirts and Jamie's pants off. She was fumbling with her pants when Jamie pushed her back on the bed gently.

"There's no need to rush, Olivia, we have all night." He said as he bent down and traced the outline of her bra-covered breasts with the tip of his tongue. She shivered underneath him as his hand trailed down and pushed inside of her pants.

"Jamie, please?" She cried out as his fingers stroked her slowly. "I need you inside of me."

"Olivia, what ever it is, I'm going to make it go away," he breathed against her lips, "Just let me love you, please?"

Olivia nodded as he began to kiss his way slowly down her body. Hooking his fingers inside of her pants, he pulled them down, along with her panties, in one swift movement. He hovered between her legs and she looked at him pleadingly. Teasing her, he moved back up and drew her body up into a sitting position and reached behind her to unhook her bra. He threw the bra to the side of the bed and ran his hands across her nipples, watching them with avid fascination as they beaded even more under his touch.

"God, you are the most beautiful woman in the world."

"Touch me." She said, her voice low and full of desire.

"Where?" He challenged.

She knew that he was trying to draw this out. It wasn't often they had nights to themselves to take as much time as they wanted to make love. They were either not home at the same time, too exhausted, or only had time to catch a quickie here and there to take the edge off during a hard week. She wanted to take it slow and cherish the time they had too, but more than anything right now, she wanted it hard and fast. She needed Jamie there to drive out every thought and feeling she had about Elliot. She needed him to be Elliot more than anything, but since that notion had a snowball's chance in hell of ever happening, she had to take what she had in front of her.

And she hated herself again.

The sob rose from within her before she even had a chance to choke it back down. Instead of asking her what was wrong, Jamie did the only thing she needed at the moment and that was love her.

He stood up and removed his boxers before he pushed her back so she was lying down again. He covered her body with his and kissed the tears that were trickling out of the corner of her eyes. He moved to her mouth and kissed her deeply and passionately before moving his loving kisses down her neck to her breasts. He stopped and looked up at her. Her eyes were barely open, and she had sunk her teeth into her bottom lip in anticipation of his next move. He kept his eyes trained on hers as his tongue darted out and quickly swirled around her nipple before sucking it into his mouth. She grasped the back of his head and closed her eyes, letting out a quiet moan. He shifted slightly and repeated his ministrations on the other breast. She arched her body up towards his.

"Please?" She whimpered as she felt his erection between her legs.

Without waiting for an answer from him, she reached down and grabbed him and guided him inside of her. She wrapped her legs tightly and securely around him before thrusting up to meet his downward movements. They moaned simultaneously as they began to move against one another. Jamie placed his forearms on either side of Olivia's head and looked into her eyes. She saw the undying love and dedication in his eyes and she didn't even want to know what he saw in hers, so she promptly closed them.

It wasn't enough. She needed more, and she needed it fast. Elliot was once again creeping back into her mind and she was biting her tongue again to make sure his name didn't find its way out of her mouth. She and Jamie's bed was big enough for two people, but not for three and she needed Elliot out of there.

"Fuck me, Jamie. Now." She pleaded with him through gritted teeth.

Although it probably wasn't exactly what he wanted, Jamie complied because after all, he would do anything for her, be anything she needed, and yet she still couldn't force herself to give her entire heart to him.

"I love you, Olivia." He whispered, tracing the shell of her ear with his tongue and then moving to her mouth. The tears began to fall more as he lifted her leg higher and pushed harder inside of her.

"Mmmm, Oh God, so close." She wept into his mouth.

When he reached down and swiped his thumb over her center, she fell over the edge and came hard and fast with Jamie right behind her. She struggled to keep her mouth shut because there was an earsplitting sob threatening to escape from somewhere deep within her. She hurt; all over, but it was mostly her heart. Making love to her fiancée had never been this painful for her aside from the first time with him. The first time it was painful because she knew Elliot was never going to come back to her. It was painful now because she realized Elliot was never going to go away.

Jamie rolled off of her and pulled her into his arms, kissing the back of her neck. Her tears still fell, mostly because she couldn't stop them, but also because she hated herself for what she was doing to Jamie. They laid there in silence for a while; his body spooning hers. He traced patterns on her hip lazily with his hand and allowed her to cry.

"Olivia, I don't know what's wrong, and I'm not asking you to tell me if you don't want to, but just tell me what I can do to make it go away. I'll do anything for you, anything; you know that right?"

"Yes, I know that Jamie. I don't know what's wrong really, and I don't know what I need," she lied, "But you will be the first one to know when I figure it out ok?"

"Ok, you sure?" He sighed.

"I'm sure. I love you." She said and turned so that she could kiss him softly.

"I love you too, baby. You hungry? You want me to go heat up dinner and bring it in here?"

"Yeah, that sounds good. I'm kind of hungry after that." She found it in her to smile at him through her shiny eyes and red face.

She watched him get out of bed and put on his boxers and a t-shirt. She pulled the tangled sheets of the bed she never had time to make over her body and reached over to the nightstand and grabbed the remote, turning on the TV. She wasn't really interested in anything TV had to offer, but losing herself in the characters and ridiculous plot of some mindless sitcom might momentarily take her mind of the war that was waging in her heart. Her brow furrowed and she muted the TV when she heard the doorbell ring. It wasn't often they had unannounced visitors.

"You want me to get it?" She called out to Jamie, who was probably out in the living room, blowing out candles and cleaning up the remnants of what was supposed to be their romantic evening alone. He shouted back to her to stay put and that he would get it, so she un-muted the TV and continued to try and forget her pain.

"Hey Olivia, some guy is here to see you. He said he used to be your partner at SVU." Jamie said as he walked back into their bedroom a few minutes later.

Elliot.

Her blood, that was still running hot from their lovemaking, ran ice cold. That son of a bitch actually looked for her. This was not happening. She felt like the wind had been knocked out of her. Then she felt as though she might be sick. She's not totally convinced that if it were within reach, she wouldn't have picked up her gun and ate it. That physical pain couldn't begin to compare to the pain that was slicing her heart in two. In that moment, she just wanted to curl up and die because her being dead was the one and only way out of dealing with Elliot Stabler.

True love was definitely the joy that killed.