A/N: This chapter is dedicated to Mooncheese! Weee!

I decided I'd respond to the reviews thus far, and so make it appear that the chapter is longer than the others. Trying to make up for how long this took, LOL. It's cause of summer school, karate, work, I was away last weekend, you people know, all the usual authors' excuses. But I'm off this week! Yay!

TheOneAndOnlySkippy - No, they're not cursed. I'm just having a much-needed humoururination. That's a word now.

Mooncheese - Why thank ye very much. This is my first one I've ever done, I'm glad I'm passing on some giggles. My friends have told me that if I don't get the job as a cameraman for gay porn I should go into stand-up. I think that would be fun, but I'm totally stage-freaked. I did do a monologue in our school's Music, Art and Drama Night, last year I think, but that was only to prove to myself I did have the balls to get up in front of people. I wasn't comfortable though, and that's a factor, right? Right. (Just agree) LOL! Oh, and the picture-taker: No, it's not Dumbledore. That's one of my happy-scarring facts best left out … although I'll prolly put it in for shits and giggles.

Grim Reaper's Assistant - Thanks for the warning, but the way I see it is what they don't know can't hurt them. They're also getting rid of the slash. And if they start banning my stories it's not like I can't take my business somewhere else. (And just to keep them busy I'd make several accounts and start posting and reposting the same songfic under different names. I'll use that song Control by Puddle of Mudd. Think it'll piss 'em off any? If you don't get the full breadth of that little funny, listen to the song. LOL)

Bubba - Were you there the first time I said that? Beth almost choked on her epiglottis she laughed to hard. I didn't think it was that funny, but she said it was so … yea. It's in there, happily settled amongst the other horrendous wordplay attempts.

Huh, okay, so it didn't put as much length as I was hoping. Oh well. Have fun, my minions! Oh, and I'm going to post the first chapter of Lost Unity again, just to see if anyone thinks much on it. Just so you know.

Disclaimer: Picture it - a ginormous, mouth-watering, 100 all-beef, all-Canadian hamburger patty smothered in fresh tomato, lettuce, onion and pickles, the bun lightly toasted to perfection, dripping slightly when you pick it up and taste exploding in your mouth. That's what I own.

The pope comment was borrowed from Jonathan Ian Mathers and his Neurotically Yours movies.

-+-

Behold the Turtle!

Chapter IV: Yes, He Hates You Bitch

"-And that's why you need to know about lesbians. Thank you." Harry stepped down off the desk and bowed. Neville clapped. Malfoy heaved. People ran towards the door, stepping and stomping on each others shoes. Freedom! Who'd of thought the dungeon hall could look so wonderful?

The two houses split at the head of the stairs, heading to their different classes. The Gryffindors trouped to Charms, hoping Harry wouldn't show. Of course, no such luck. Harry waltzed in (literally) just before the bell rang and sat beside Neville, batting his eyes at the horny little bastard.

"Merlin's pink plaid panties, why the hell did he have to come?" Ron moaned beside Hermione.

"Please Jesus," she was whispering, ignoring him, "lets just keep it sane for this last class. I promise I'll build four churches. I'll also put a stop to Ron's horrible naked-Merlin related exclamations…"

In the row behind them Dean sketched little moving naked figures while Seamus flipped idly through WiKeD Witches. He smiled at Ernie as he leaned over to look too. Ernie had obviously not been in the Potions class, and the stories hadn't filtered through the school yet. He didn't know that Harry was a panty-sniffing basket case. He didn't know that he was about to experience the class of a lifetime.

"Mr Potter, I thought I told you last class - if you don't have enough gum for everyone, you can't chew it in here," Professor Flitwick's voice cut through the tense atmosphere.

"But Professor," Harry said innocently, "I do!" He stood up and started passing out Trident Citrus Fruit gum to his classmates. Itty bitty Flitwick didn't seem to know what to say now that he'd been showed up by the resident fruit cake.

"Potter!" he squeaked. "When a teacher says that it just means 'no,' not exactly what it sounds like!"

"Well, shouldn't you just say what you mean?" Harry asked, throwing gum to the students in the back of the class.

"Well … that's not … sit down, Potter!" he squeaked, looking majorly pissed.

Harry sat grudgingly. "Well, maybe you should say what you mean next time!"

Flitwick ignored him. "As I was saying," he squeaked pointedly ignoring Harry. "Today we will be practicing healing and injury-cleaning charms. Take out your wands and repeat after me."

"He said, not realising no one in the room was paying attention."

"Excuse me, Potter?"

"He looked quizzically at a single student, a boy of about 16 with black messy hair -"

"POTTER! What are you doing!"

"The boy jumped in his seat, startled when the teacher yelled at him -"

"Are you commentating the class!"

"He seemed startled at the prospect, not noticing the quill under the desk recording the confrontation. As he listened to the commentary echoing around the room his small bearded face slowly transformed into a mask of rage -"

BOOM!

"-until he became so angry that he blew away the parchment and quill, ensuring that the Headmaster of the school would have no proof of the boy's account of assault-"

"GET OUT! NOW!"

"HE SHRIEKED WITH INCREASING INTENSITY AS HE CHARMED THE BOY TO FLY OUT THE DOOR -" thud "-and hit the wall of the hall outside the door…"

SLAM! went the door as Professor Flitwick seethed with barely suppressed anger, standing on his desk. "Oh you're in for the detention of a lifetime, Potter!" he muttered under his breath.

"I'm not free until September 31!" Harry called through the door.

"GO AWAY!"

Flitwick jumped down behind the desk out of sight as the class gawped at him. Silence ensued, broken only by the occasional mutterings coming from behind the desk. Finally Flitwick climbed back on his stack of books. "I don't know what I was saying, so just write an essay on the subject," he snapped.

Everyone looked at Hermione. "He was talking about medical charms," she sighed.

The rest of the class passed silently, with Flitwick glaring at them as if challenging then to commentate too, and Harry yelling random things through the door. Periodically they would hear something like, "So I said to the Pope, I'll see you in hell first!" or "Beam - me - up; Scottie!" or "Holy shit! A talking muffin!" When the class emptied Harry had resumed his Buddha-like tranquility and wisely advised them, "Early bird gets the worm, but second mouse gets the cheese."

He followed Hermione and Ron to the library where they had been going to finish an essay. He followed them through the aisles of books, remarking about their content and how useful or useless they were. "That one's good, it's all about wizarding traditions," he said.

"No it's not!" Ron exclaimed. "It's an anthology of the kids comic book Marvin Muggle! God you're stupid."

"Yea well this one is about lesbians, starring Sprout."

"That is Hogwarts: A History!" Hermione yelled at him, startling everyone in the library.

"Like I said, lesbians."

"Go away!"

"That one is about -"

"I swear to Merlin, if you don't shut up -"

"SILENCE IN THE LIBRARY! YOU'RE NOT BEING SILENT! GET OUT! OUT!" shrieked the crazy book lady that I've forgotten what her name is but that does it with Filch. She pushed them out of the library and slammed the door on them as they tripped and fell on their asses as one.

"Look what you've done, Harry!" Hermione yelled at him. "Why can't you be normal? Huh? For one goddamn hour, just be normal!" She turned to Ron, who cowered appropriately. "What time is it?" she demanded.

"Eleven forty twelve," Harry offered. He would never remember what happened next. He woke up in the room of requirement the next afternoon in a large silk sheet clad bed with Neville, who was smoking heavily. He ran out of there without even grabbing his clothes, much to Snape's delight as Harry passed him on the way to the Tower.

A.N. 2.9: OK, not quite as good, I'm sorry. I'll do better next time! Promise!