A.N. Chapter vee is named and dedicated to Mooncheese (A SECOND!) because she got me more readership! Horay! Keep feeding the fire! She's my favourite like Bubba! WOO HOO!
GLEE
So yea. I guess I'll do a quick response to the new reviewers. And a pre-emptive apology because this chapter isn't as good as the rest. I was just so angry at those birds ... and those children ... it sort of blended and manifested itself ...
Kaifeuille - HOW DID YOU KNOW ABOUT HIM? Mmmm ... pie.
Rockabilly - I took your advise under advisement, but I don't think Mooncheese would want to pose with naked fat chicks for my calendar, even if Harry is hiding in a closet and taking pictures. LOL. Like I said tho, she rox my sox. I AM SO BLOODY HAPPY RIGHT NOW! I DON'T KNOW WHY! Oh yea, April's coming over later. SHE ROX MY SOX TOO! Wow, two sox rockers in one day ... no wonder I'm always tired. LOL
Princess-Perfect - Thanks for the rating suggestion. This new system is so fucking confusing; I didn't know what to rate any of my stories. And I didn't actually have a clue what I'd be doing with this, if anything. I'm totally writing on a whim, but it seems to be going good so far. Glad you enjoy it!
Mooncheese - Yea, my drama teacher said if you keep at it will get better, I said fuck that shit I'm not gonna keep purposely embarrassing myself so that I can have a 'skill' I'm never gonna use. LOL. She didn't appreciate that.
And yeah, thanks for recommending my story! That's super, I've never had someone like any of them that much!
ONWARDS! ENJOY - OR DON'T YOUR CHOICE!
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Behold the Turtle
Chapter V: MoonCheese Rox My Sox!
Subtitle – I'm sorry Hershey! SO, SO Sorry!
As the days passed people became accustomed to Harry Potter's insanity. He spent the next week hand cuffing himself to furniture and desks so that he 'wouldn't fall off when the big one comes,' and occasionally wandering around the school with a 'THE END IS NEAR!' board spellotaped to his front and back. At those times he would also claim a corner as his and ask passers by for spare change, once actually sleeping there rolled up in a house elfs toga.
On the day that we continued our story, we found our dear Mr Potter throwing craft glitter in peoples faces, wearing a beer hat with tequila where the cans should have been and a Stewie Griffin T-shirt that said "Burn in Hell!"
As he entered the Great Hall a collective groan sounded. He sat beside Neville like usual and they both started sending suggestive expressions and motions to Professor Snape. All the other teachers kept their eyes focused on their plates. Most students were suddenly finished their breakfast and ran for the door. Last time he entered the Great Hall and started out like that, it hadn't been pretty. Let's just say no one would ever be able to eat liquid chocolate ever again. That's right, you heard me. Snape, Harry, Neville and chocolate syrup. Use your imagination. Oh wow, creepy. I got mental images. EW!
ANYWAY. On to the less horrible. It was a good day for our resident Gryffindors. Harry and Neville never showed up in any classes all morning! Wee! Stuff was actually done and learning was actually learned. All in all, every one was happy. And then they left Herbology.
Harry stood outside the door with a bottle of Lysol, a notepad and a cigarette, his beer/tequila hat lopsided on his stupid head. He was so obviously drunk it was amazing he could still stand. He wasn't sounding drunk when he spoke though. But what he said … well. That's another story.
"I puked in Dobby's hat."
See?
But yea. With the Lysol safely tucked under his arm he followed the Hufflepuffs (to the Gryffindors pleasure) from the class, waving the cigarette in front of them and muttering about his tricorder being out of alignment. He slapped Ernie MacMillan over the head with the notepad and told Hannah Abbot that all he'd had to do was hit it on a rock to make it work. Ernie didn't get it.
Ernie and Hannah started heading to the Owlery to neck a bit, not noticing Harry spraying the door handles that they touched with the Lysol. "Kills 99.9 percent of household bacteria," he muttered after each spray.
Once in the Owlery Ernie locked the door and pulled Hannah to him. He stroked her cheek and gently kissed her lips. Everything was going according to his plan when suddenly there was a hiss and something wet and burny hit him. They broke apart coughing and choking, eyes stinging and tearing, cursing and swearing. "Kills 99.9 percent of household bacteria," someone muttered beside them and walked away. Ernie and Hannah couldn't see at all, but they could hear him wandering through the aisles of owls, spraying them and causing them to shoot awake and screech all high pitched like.
"What the bloody hell are you doing?" Ernie yelled after the assailant.
"Killing germs," answered Harry's voice. "They're planning to take over the world you know. They're killing us off slowly. Also Hannah had gonorrhea. Thought you ought to know."
"IT'S JUST A SORE THROAT!" she shrieked throwing herself at the stairs and forgetting that she couldn't see. After the thumps and bangs had subsided, and Ernie had made his way to the wall and sat, he heard Harry sigh. "Now they're all over the stairs. Kills 99.9 percent of household bacteria. Gotta clean the stairs, ole boy."
"Hey, Potter, don't leave me here!" Ernie yelled after him. "I can't see!"
Harry came back in slowly. "Can't see?" he muttered.
"You blinded me you mad bastard!" Ernie yelled.
"He can't see …" Harry murmured. "That means he's a bacteria. They don't gots eyeses."
Ernie heard Harry coming closer. "Stay away from me you loony!" he shrieked. "You stupid – uh – birdbrain!" Birdbrain? He thought. Nice. Real nice. He's going to kill you now.
"Birdbrain?" Harry demanded. "BirdBrain? I'll show you BIRDBRAIN!"
Ernie heard Harry start running at him yelling a drunken warrior cry at the top of his voice. Just as Harry would have hit Ernie there was suddenly nothing. Ernie had his hands over his head shaking in fear as he heard behind him "Tweet-fucking-tweet!" over and over again, getting more and more distant until it stopped. Slowly he reached up and felt a ledge. He'd crawled under a window. Harry had jumped out the window.
Ernie curled up in hysterical laughter, shaking and choking, laughing the entire time. He was found like that several hours later, still laughing and muttering "Birdbrain!"
He was sent to St Mungo's to be treated for shock. While there he hung himself with a rope of signed Lockart pictures that the ninny had constantly given him.