Disclaimer: JK is richer than the queen. I have the ten bucks I stole from my sister. You figure it out.

X

Suddenly, Snape ripped off his sexy, slinky black cloak to reveal nothing but a hot pink thong!

Silence.

Snape plunked down next to James on the bench. Then he kissed him.

Silence.

James pulled away the instant Snape's lips touched his own.

"WHAT THE FUCK?" He roared.

More silence.

Snape scooted closer to James on the bench.

"James, I have feelings for you. Feelings of… Lust. And desire. I want to act on those feelings," he purred.

James was thoroughly disgusted and shot up and took off running.

"Well, even if it came at the price of our best mate being publicly molested and humiliated, at least we now know what Snape's most embarrassing moment would be," Remus whispered to Sirius and Peter.

"What, to wear a hot pink thong?" Peter asked stupidly.

X

Lily and Ludwig walked down to the Care of Magical Creatures classroom. (A/n: not really a classroom, but w/ev…)

"Alright Ludwig, here's the spot where Potter and his cronies always stand during class, right next to the oak tree…" Lily pointed to a spot on the grass.

She then walked over to a pile of "Happy Hippogriff Manure" bags.

"Wingardium Leviosa," she spoke, and levitated them to the top of the oak.

At that moment, students from the Slytherin/Gryffindor Year Five Care of Magical Creatures class started arriving. Lily stood inconspicuously behind the oak tree.

The Future Death Eaters of Britain were the first to arrive. Malfoy had his hair tied up and covered with a strange Peter Pan-esque hat, while Dolohov had tried (and failed) to cover his boils with "Teen Witch Cover-up!". Nott was still crawling on all fours with a look of terror on his face, mumbling incoherently about heights. Then came Avery, still behaving much like an undomesticated chicken. Last came Severus Snape. He tried to slip into the crowd unnoticed, but no such luck.

"Hey lover boy!" Sirius yelled.

Snape blushed and tried to skulk off to his comrades. Again, no such luck.

"Want to come over here and snog James, Snivellus?" Sirius called.

Again, Snape reddened. Getting no verbal response from him, Sirius stalked over to Snape to pester him.

"Who'd have thought the great Severus Snape, potions master extraordinaire, fancied our little James?" Sirius asserted, maliciously.

The two started walking in circles around each other, in an intimidating manner.

"It was a set-up and you know it, half-breed lover," Snape retorted malevolently.

Half-breed lover? No. No one called Remus a half-breed. Especially not Severus Snape!

Sirius lost it. He stood stock-still in silence for about twenty seconds, then he threw the first punch. Snape took the punch hard across the face. He stumbled back a little but quickly regained his balance to throw a left hook at Sirius.

Snape stepped back. "I never knew you felt so strongly about the werewolf," he smirked, "maybe next full moon you two can do it 'doggie-style.'"

At this, Sirius began throwing punch after punch at Snape; he was getting pummeled when Professor Kettleburn pulled them apart.

"Boys!" He scolded sternly, "Violence is never the answer! You two will be serving detention with me tonight at nine o'clock. I will not have fighting in my class! Mr. Black, stand over there," Kettleburn pointed to a spot near the Future Death Eaters of Britain. "Mr. Snape, if you will," he pointed to an area near the three other Marauders.

Kettleburn limped back near the garden and started class. "Today we will be learning about bowtruckles…"

Sirius zoned out for the rest of class.

X

Lily was still levitating the bags of "Happy Hippogriff Manure" over James' head when Kettleburn went into his hut to get a crate of bowtruckles.

James pulled out his two-way mirror.

"Padfoot," he talked into it, "Padfoot, what happened?"

Sirius groaned. "Nothing happened. Snape's a prat. We all know that. End of story. Thank you. Good bye. Any questions?"

"Um, why did you punch him then?" James asked.

"He was insulting… James, are you near Remus and Pete?"

"Not close enough for them to hear, why?"

Sirius sighed, "He was insulting Remus. He called him a half-breed and suggested that he and I have gay sex at the next full moon."

James laughed incredulously. "He's suggesting that you're gay? He's the one who kissed me this morning!"

"I know," Sirius replied, "Oh shit, Kettleburn's coming back. See you after class." Sirius put his mirror back in his pocket.

James leaned against the tree again; Lily was right behind him, levitating the Happy Hippogriff Manure bags right over his head. This was it: the moment Lily had been waiting for. Slowly but resolutely, Lily lowered her wand. She started a countdown in her head. 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 3 and a half, 2, 1 and three quarters… Yes! She dropped the hippogriff dung on James' head.

James howled in surprise. Lily tittered at his reaction: James started running around in circles screaming "HIPPOGRIFF PIE IN MY EYE!"

Many people laughed.

Kettleburn stormed over toward James, who had calmed down and seated himself next to the oak, rocking back and forth. "What in the name of Merlin just happened over here?" Kettleburn demanded.

"Well," Peter replied, "It seems as though an unknown source has dropped a ton of hippogriff dung on James' head."

Kettleburn stormed around the tree looking for clues.

"Aha!" He yelled in triumph, pointing at Lily. "You are the unknown source! You have done this! You will join Mr. Black and Mr. Snape tonight with me for detention!"

Lily was a good girl. Good girls didn't get detention. Lily was a prefect. Prefects didn't get detention. Lily was a model student. Model students didn't get detentions. Lily was in shock. She stood there, stock-still, in silence for about twenty seconds before she fell over into the hippogriff dung surrounding the oak tree.

X

Author's Note: Oh no! What shall happen to dear Lily? OMG I'm so sorry it's been so long since an update! But on a more pleasant note, exams are over (score!), the play was a success & I made the basketball team! W0ot! Expect updates much more often!

"End of story. Thank you. Good bye. Any questions?" -Goblet of Fire movie

"10. 9. 8. 7. 6. 5. 4. 3. 3 and a half, 2, 1 and three quarters… Yes!" -Prisoner of Azkaban Movie