Foul villains, show thyselves! (sees the readers) Not you guys. You lot go read the fanfic..

The Shinobi's Guide to Television
By Kaori

Studio Seven was a dingy little hole in the wall that looked like it had seen better days; and it had. Despite the diligent efforts of the janitorial staff no amount of scrubbing could completely remove the stains from the walls and floor. On the upside, there was a nice selection of snacks on the refreshment table and Chouji immediately attacked it. The production manager, a perky little red head, quickly explained what they would be doing.

"Hi there! I'm Yamashita Miharu! I know the Shun-san told you you'd only be doing one scene, but the thing is we had a fire in the editing room this morning and now we have to shoot the whole episode all over again. Here are the scripts." She handed four to each jounin and assigned duties to everyone.

Shino, Chouji, and Shikamaru were to run the cameras; Asuma was put in charge of the lighting; Ino in make-up; Sakura in costuming; Kurenai and Kakashi were in the sound booth; which left everyone else as actors.

"Okay!" Miharu enthused. "The kid with the dog will play the part of Hikkado the Bandit King, the blonde kid will be Yahichi the Brave, the shy girl will play Princess Momo, and the constipated-looking kid will be Jun."

"It says here Jun is the princess' attendant." Sasuke scowled.

"Yes." the scowl deepened.

"Which means that Jun is a girl."

"Yes." the nerve above Sasuke's left eye started twitching.

"Why am I playing a girl?"

"Because you're the only one the costume fits." The twitching got worse.

"Are you saying I'm built like a girl?"

"No." Miharu said. "I'm saying you look like a girl."

Three…two…one…

"I'LL KILL YOU!"

Twenty minutes later…

"Get off of me." Mumbled Sasuke. After subduing the enraged Uchiha, Asuma had Chouji and Naruto sit on him.

"Do you promise not to try and kill Miharu-chan?" drawled Kakashi from behind his book. Sasuke gave an annoyed sigh.

"Miharu-chan?" Kurenai raised an eyebrow. Kakashi shrugged and continued to read.

"Yes, let me up already." Growled Sasuke. Once he was able to stand he and Naruto were shoved into the dressing room and then into makeup where Ino took her sweet time applying the stuff to Sasuke's face and styling his hair.

"You look cute Sasuke-chan." Cooed Kiba from the doorway.

"You're all dead when this mission is over." Sasuke swore.

"Hold still Sasuke-kun, I'll smear the lipstick if you keep talking." Chided Ino.

"Hey, are you almost done? We really need to get started." Sakura poked her head in the makeup room. "Ah! Sasuke-kun you look so pretty!" she blurted out before she could stop herself.

"THAT DOES IT! YOU ALL DIE NOW!" screamed Sasuke. WHACK! He fell unconscious.

"What did you do that for, Shikamaru! Now who's going to play Jun?" Naruto pouted while Sakura and Ino fretted over Sasuke.

"Relax, the script says that Jun is unconscious in this part anyway." Shikamaru said while putting away the prop sword.

Once everyone was in place, Miharu took a seat in the producer's chair.

"I hope I get paid extra for doing the director's job." She smiled. "Ready everyone? Aaaannd…action!"

The set was made up like a forest. Kiba, dressed in typical bandit clothing and looking very debonair, was holding Hinata (in a rather tight-fitting kimono) hostage. Sasuke (unconscious and in drag), was in an undignified heap at Kiba's feet and Naruto (wearing a cool blue and red kimono) was facing Kiba pointing a prop katana at the other boy.

"Filthy, evil, corrupt, pork-chop eating bandit! I, Yahichi the Brave, have been charged by the Emperor himself with the task of bringing you to justice!" Naruto was throwing himself into his role.

"Bah! A weakling like you has no chance against me, Hikkado! Bandit King!" Kiba was also enjoying himself a little too much. "If you take one step closer I'll kill the woman!"

"S…save me Yahichi-san…" whimpered Hinata. Her fellow gennins were finding it difficult to determine whether the stutter was acting or her usual nervousness.

"What a bunch of hams." Mumbled Ino and then proceeded to congratulate herself on Sasuke's makeup job.

"Are all the lines this bad?" wondered Kakashi.

"No, I read the script." Kurenai said. "The rest of the dialogue is even worse."

Filming progressed smoothly until Sasuke woke up in the middle of the fight scene.

"Oww…what hit me?" he groaned.

"Cut!" Miharu yelled. "Sasuke-kun you're supposed to be unconscious!"

Before Sasuke could say anything in his defence, there was a loud snapping sound and a pole that was holding up part of the rigging for the lights fell and landed on the set between Sasuke's legs. Seeing how close he came to being castrated, the raven-haired boy fainted.

"Yeah, just like that." Nodded Miharu; everyone else sweatdropped. "All right, we still have two more scenes to go. Get that pole out of there and let's get back to work."

Ten minutes later finished the fight scene only to have Hinata faint at the end of it. Apparently that tight kimono was a bit too tight and so they had to get the studio seamstress to adjust it and wait for poor Hinata to regain consciousness.

During the wait, Chouji managed to almost choke to death on donuts, Kakashi got electrocuted by the sound board, Sasuke regained consciousness only to be knocked out again by a studio camera that Shikamaru had fallen asleep leaning against. Through all of this, Miharu continued to smile and bark orders.

"Does nothing phase this woman?" Asuma wondered.

"Okay people, this is the last bit before we end for the day." Miharu said. "This is the love scene…" Naruto and Hinata both turned a shade of red normally reserved for tomatoes.

"L…l…love scene?" squeaked Hinata.

"Yes, but don't worry you won't really be kissing it's just a stage kiss." Ino, Kurenai, and Sakura looked mildly disappointed. "Ne, Hatake-san, may I borrow you for a bit?" Kakashi wandered over. "Now, Hatake-san you put your arm around my waist like so and place your other hand behind my head…good…now dip me back like we were doing a tango but with your back to the camera. Great…now lean in…" Kakashi did as he was instructed and from where everyone else was standing it looked like Kakashi was giving Mahiru a very passionate kiss. After a minute, the two stood up straight. "The trick is for the person doing the kissing, in this case Naruto-kun, to stand in such a way that the person being kissed is partially obscured. Then the person being kissed puts their hand, in your case Hinata-chan, your right hand, over your mouth so that even though it looks like he's kissing you he's just got his mouth pressed against the back of your hand. Get it?"

Naruto and Hinata (though still red in the face) both nodded.

"Good, places everyone!" Shino and Chouji woke up Shikamaru, and Kakashi and Kurenai returned to the sound room. "Aaaand….action!"

Looking very embarrassed, Naruto said his line. "Sweet princess, you are safe now."

"Yahichi-san…" Hinata stage-whispered, fighting the urge to run away in a fit of mortification.

In one fluid motion, Naruto dipped her back just like Kakashi had done and held the position until Miharu yelled, "Cut!" He stood up but didn't let go of Hinata, who had fainted again; he was also very noticeably very red in the face.

"Eh? Naruto what's the matter with you?" Chouji asked. Naruto didn't say anything for a while and then…

"Hinata forgot to cover her mouth."

Stunned silence and then…

"That was one hell of a kiss Naruto." Kakashi leered. They didn't think it was possible but Naruto got even redder.

Well that's it for the day. Will Hinata regain consciousness by tomorrow? Will Neji kill Naruto when he finds out? Has this little escapade into the world of crossdressing opened a door for Sasuke? Is Miharu on some sort of medication? We get the answers to at least one of these questions next time!