Land shark!

The Shinobi's Guide to Television
By Kaori

The following day found the three teams (minus the jounins who had been called out on a mission) back at the studio and forty-five minutes late because they had to find Sasuke and drag him out from under Iruka's desk. Why he chose there of all places to hide we may never know.

Hinata wasn't quite recovered from the excitement yesterday and would turn red from her ears to her toes whenever someone even mentioned Naruto. Despite this, she was being a good ninja and showing up for the mission. Everyone else was swearing in their heads that they were going to pass the next chuunin exam so they wouldn't have to do stupid crap like this for only three ryou a day. Besides, aren't there laws against things like this?

Shun was waiting for them in his office. "You're late." He said. "Oh well, better late than never I suppose. You'll be working the commissary today; several of the kitchen staff were killed in a freak accident yesterday. Something about knives and the studio's electromagnet…" The gennins and one chuunin grimaced as their imaginations took over. They almost missed

The commissary was just like any other cafeteria, except the food was better and there was no mystery meat special. The person they were reporting to today was an older woman who smoked constantly named Sarutobi Hachiko; apparently Asuma's great aunt on his father's side.

"All right younguns," Coughed Hachiko. "we need to get the caf' ready for lunch. If I catch any o' you slackin' I'll whoop you so bad your descendants will feel it, especially you Nara, don't think I don't know about you." Shikamaru twitched. The old woman took a drag from the hookah she was smoking and puffed out a smoke ring. "Right, I'm tired of looking at your stupid faces, get to work. Duty roster's on the bulletin board in the kitchen."

Not wanting to get whooped so early in the day (especially not from a retired ninja that leaked killer intent like a sieve and talked like she'd kill you without thinking twice about it), the nine young ninjas scrambled into the kitchen and examined the bulletin board.

"Hmmm… I suppose we ought to divide the duties." Sakura suggested. "I suppose I can do some of the cooking…"

"Oh no you don't, Forehead Girl! You just want to impress Sasuke-kun! I'm going to cook too and my food will be a hundred times better than yours!" challenged Ino.

"Dream on Ino-pig!"

"So troublesome…" sighed Shikamaru.

"Just for that you can wash the dishes!" snarled Ino.

"Aww man…"

"Don't worry Shikamaru, I'll help you." Chouji said, patting his friend on the back.

"Akamaru and I will serve the food I guess." Shrugged Kiba.

"No way, you'll just get dog hair in it!" Ino yelled. "You can clean the tables once people are done eating."

"I guess I'll serve the food then." Shrugged Naruto.

"No, you're too stupid. You help Kiba clean up the tables. Hinata can serve the food. Shino, you collect the money."

"And just what is Sasuke going to be doing?"

"Simple, Sasuke-kun can supervise."

"THE HELL HE WILL!" roared Kiba and Naruto.

"I agree." Everyone turned around to find Hachiko standing in the doorway. She leered. "I have a special task for the pretty Uchiha there." She grabbed Sasuke by the back of his shirt and hauled him off to Kami-sama only knows where.

Two hours later, the remaining temps were busy slingin' hash and cleaning tables and there had been no sign of Sasuke or Hachiko anywhere.

"Where could he be!" wailed Ino. "You don't suppose that old hag dragged him off somewhere and is doing…things…to Sasuke-kun do you?"

"Ino, have you been drinking the cooking wine?" Shikamaru asked from his place near the sink.

"WHAT! SHIKAMARU NO BAKAYAROU!" she threw a bottle of soy sauce at him which he dodged by casually leaning to the left. The bottle broke harmlessly on the wall.

"Oi…you're cleaning that up."

"Ooooohhhh…." Fumed Ino making little strangling motions with her hands.

"Calm down, Ino I'm sure Sasuke's fine." Sakura said although secretly she was having even more wild (and somewhat perverted) thoughts about what Hachiko could have Sasuke doing. The only one not fooled by this act was Ino.

"Oh please, you're just as worried as I am."

"Maybe but I believe in Sasuke-kun."

"So do I!" Ino was getting very annoyed now and she accidentally knocked the bottle of kerosene oil used to fuel the oven onto the burner. Predictably a huge fireball erupted from the stove.

The towels hanging above the stove caught fire and soon so did the ceiling.

"Kyaaaa! Look what you've done Ino-pig!" shrieked Sakura.

"Gaa! It's your fault Big Forehead!" countered Ino.

"How do you figure that!"

"Both of you shut up and help us put out the fire!" Shikamaru growled as he and Chouji tried to beat the flames out with some aprons they found but it only seemed to make matters worse.

Meanwhile, in a little room near the janitor's closet…

"Oooohhh….that feels sooo good Sasuke-kun." Moaned Hachiko. "Harder…harder…faster…mmmmmm…." Sasuke gave a small grunt. "Oh yeah…right there…more….Aaahhh."

Several people who passed by the door were either violently ill or suffered terrible nosebleeds causing a disgusting, wet mess on the floor which in turn became the cause of about fifteen slip and fall accidents.

Back to the blaze, Hinata and Shino noticed the kitchen fire and ran off to find a fire extinguisher. Kiba and Naruto, evacuated the cafeteria and kept people from coming in. Once the fire extinguishers had been found the fire was put out, but the kitchen was completely destroyed.

Hachiko and Sasuke returned to what was left of the kitchen. The old woman was still smoking her hookah but looked much more relaxed. Sasuke wouldn't stop twitching for some reason. "Ah, Sasuke-kun, you were great." The twitching got even more violent. "Really, you give a damn good foot massage. I wasn't sure you'd do so good with all my corns and bunions and all." Sasuke looked like he was going to be ill. It was about then that Hachiko noticed the kitchen. "Not again." She moaned. "Oh well, at least nobody's dead. Come on you slackers, back to work. Clean this mess up now. Come along Sasuke-kun, it's time for my sponge bath." Sasuke (and the other young ninjas) fainted.

Yeah, I know, I'm an evil woman… and you love me.