I have been asked to explain what I meant by "crack bucket." Long story short, it's simply a vast amount of sugar mixed with the hatred for my job and a liberal amount of demented dreams. Pulling inspiration from said bucket results in crack fanfiction like this one. I am not on drugs of any kind (though several of my detractors will say otherwise).

The Shinobi's Guide to Television
By Kaori

"No way in hell!" screeched Ino and Sakura.

"Please!" begged Shun. "We were just going to use some girls from the Public Relations Department, but when they heard about it they all called in sick with…ummm… 'woman problems.'"

"Tough!" Ino and Sakura in stereo again.

To make a long story short, the studio was picked to film the next Icha Icha movie: Icha Icha Mansion and they wanted to advertise for actresses. The girls from P.R. were to dress up like characters from the book and pose for some photographs (tasteful photographs of course but the costumes are, to put it nicely, risqué).

Sakura and Ino (Hinata was out of the question entirely because Hyuuga Hiashi would not only castrate Shun and every male on the premises, but burn down the studio for even thinking of asking Hinata to even look at any of the perverted garments) were asked to take their places.

"I'm begging you!" the assistant manager literally got on his knees. "I'll even ask the Hokage to double your pay!"

"Double?" thought Kakashi casting a quick glance at Naruto. Naruto saw it, and didn't like it one bit.

"Triple!"

"Triple!" echoed Kakashi, grabbing Naruto by the back of his jacket as he tried to run out the door. "Shun-san, might I make a suggestion?"

"Damn you Kakashi!" Naruto yelled.

"Now, now Naruto. It's for the mission." The others could tell the masked jounin was grinning perversely as he looked his student up and down. "Besides, you look good enough to eat!"

Naruto and a kage bunshin were in Oiroke no Jutsu and were wearing matching French maid's uniforms. The skirts were so short that they would probably qualify as handkerchiefs. Naruto had chosen to transform into a red-headed girl with green eyes while the bunshin was the usual blonde sans the whisker marks.

"You're dead Hatake…" growled Naruto swatting Kiba's hands away from his skirt with one hand while he used the other to try and pull it down to a decent level. "And will you cut that out!"

"But I wanna seeee…." Whined Kiba. Naruto, Ino, Sakura, and Kurenai simultaneously twitched and proceeded to beat the crap out of Kiba. Akamaru covered his eyes with his paws.

"That he had coming." Asuma said. Kakashi nodded in agreement and took out his copy of Icha Icha Paradise. Sasuke, Shikamaru, and Chouji just watched Kiba get pummeled and winced when Naruto started to get very vindictive with his high heels.

While Naruto and his kage bunshin did the commercial the rest of the group were taken to another part of the studio.

"Where are we going?" asked Sasuke, a little peeved that he couldn't watch Naruto's humiliation some more.

"Studio Three." Replied Shun. "We need stand-ins for the call-in advice show: Ask a Ninja."

"I know I'm going to regret asking but, why are the regular advice people not here?" Shikamaru inquired.

"Lightning hit the telephone pole outside the studio and they were all electrocuted while taking calls. Then the phones caught fire and they suffered third degree burns. Very tragic."

"…and painful." Added Sakura.

"Hey, where's Kakashi?" blinked Asuma.

"Yes, now pout for me…(click) good…good! Work it! (click, click, click)Make the camera your love slave! (click, click)" Kakshi hopped around like a demented squirrel snapping pictures of Naruto and the kage bunshin in various sexy poses.

"Kakashi-sensei, what happened to the photographer that was just here?" Naruto asked, suspiciously.

"He got an emergency phone call. Now bend over just a little further…(click, click, click, click)Excellent!"

In the broom closet on the fifth floor…

"Help! Somebody let me out of here! I'm claustrophobic and afraid of the dark!"

With the others…

Ring, ring. Ino picked up the call. "Ask a Ninja, what's your damage?" She cocked her head to the side as she listened. "You say you like this guy but you don't know how to tell him?" her eyes narrowed. "It's not Uchiha Sasuke is it? Is it! You tramp! Sasuke-kun is mine! MINE!"

"INO-PIG STOP LYING TO THE CALLERS! SASUKE-KUN IS MINE!"

"YOU WISH FOREHEAD GIRL!"

Sasuke shook his head in annoyance and picked up a call. "Ask a Ninja, state your problem." He listened for a moment. "Itachi! Damn you! Why are you calling here, you murdering bastard!" There was a pause while he listened to the response. "Oh don't worry, I'll kill you soon and solve both of our problems! Count on it!" Sasuke continued to argue with his brother.

"So troublesome. Ask a Ninja, Shikamaru here." He blinked. "Dad!"

"Yeah, I'd like to order the barbecue pork cutlets with rice, red bean soup, sweet buns, salmon rolls.."

"Chouji…" groaned Asuma.

"Huh? Did you want to order something too, Asuma-sensei?"

"Uh..ummm...Ask a Ninja, Hyuuga Hinata speaking." Ninata suddenly got even paler. "N….Neji-niisan!" she squeaked. "I….but I don't…it's not…I know…" Poor Hinata. Who knew that Neji was a regular caller to the Ask a Ninja show (the studio actually has a collection entitled Neji's Best Main House Rants that they show during the slow season).

"…Ask a Ninja." Said Shino. "…No." He hung up.

One might say not many people got helped that session.

With the photo shoot done and the taping over, the group reported back to Shun for their next assignment.

"There's been another…accident." Shun said, not sounding as upset as he should. "When you come in tomorrow head right for Studio One. Don't worry about what you'll be doing you'll be informed in the morning."

"Already I don't like this…" whispered Sasuke. The others (well except for the jounins) were inclined to agree.

What indignity will our heroes be forced to endure next? I'll give you a hint: think young.