Disclaimer: I own pretty, pretty new clothes, but nothing that will make me money legally though.
Author Notes: Wow, I really was mean. I reread what I wrote and I even felt bad for Rory (something I never thought possible because I really don't like her that much). Oh well. I got a hit of inspiration though, so I may actually make this my longest story yet (which when you have only written two isn't that big of a feat). I hope to have this wrapped up in the next few chapters therefore I hope you enjoy this next chapter in the ongoing dramatic saga of Gilmore Girls MY WAY! (I really need to lay off the caffeine this late at night).
Thanks to everyone that reviewed and some personal shout-outs:
Luvs: I hope you are enjoying the story so far, I was going to put in half naked Luke this chapter for you but think that I will wait till next chapter (if you get that far). Hope things are going better so we can chat more and you can talk me into watching the show after November when my Zen leaves…grrrr…ZEN I will be Zen.
Roween: I think they will make up next chapter. You will see the journal in this one and I hope you enjoy the entries. I almost cried rereading it.
Kckgirl: I am glad that I can be a voice for all that want to smack Rory. I don't hate her; but I will say I strongly dislike her attitude much of the time. Most of the times she is okay, even cool, but seriously with the exception of like 4 episodes in season 5 I have just wanted to jump into the TV and smack her. But I digress and this has become a really long thank you. So thank you for reviewing and I hope my Rory makes amends nicely. She got her verbal ass-kicking and now she just has to heal.
SonnyCarlyJasonCourtney: I know I made Rory a huge bitch, but I think she is better this chapter. No more poor Rory, she realized her mistakes and is going to try and make up for them.
A. Windsor: Thank you for reviewing my story. I love that people love my verbal ass-kicking, I was slightly inspired by Emily in We've Got Magic to Do, man that was great! Hope you enjoy the rest. PS I have read some of your stories and feel honored that you reviewed mine. I blushed.
Ace: Good luck with your story. I enjoy writing mine and yeah reviews are lovely, but I don't run my life by them. If people think your story sucks, too bad for them, write because you like it and not because others do.
Prof: It is all the capitalizing man, I can't keep looking back to see if I did it right ;). Anyway, your praise made me blush and I swear next one of your chapter updates I will review. I was too irritated to write anymore this weekend and was busy searching for a new TV show to watch devotedly (not looking forward to sweeps) and then I saw your review and was like awwww, I gotta finish this chapter, people are getting anxious..
So yeah…thanks to everyone that reviewed my lovely verbal ass-kicking of Rory. I am sorry if I offended anyone, but it took a huge weight off my shoulders, it's like therapy! Enjoy this one, I promise Rory is nicer and no where near as bitchy.
Chapter 8: Maybe I'm Wrong, Maybe I'm Right
Rory sat curled up in a ball on the floor, clutching the moleskin notebook to her chest, trying to catch her breathe and calm down. The guilt that she had been boxing up and hiding deep in her subconscious threatened now to drown her, but she struggled to stay above it. She slowly got off the floor and walked over to the sofa where she placed the journal on the table. Instead of sitting down she walked over to her purse and pulled out her cell phone. She walked back over to the sofa sat down at the opposite end of the journal, eyeing warily, as she opened her cell phone. She was about to speed-dial Logan, when she remembered that the Huntzbergers were at the Cape for the holidays. She sat there staring at the phone wishing she had someone to talk to. Rory finally decided just to call Logan and see if he picked up. She hit the speed-dial and listened to it ring 6 times before the voicemail picked up.
"This is Logan, I am currently pre-occupied or don't want to talk to you. If this is Finn, for the last time the answer is NO!"
"Logan, hey it's Rory. Umm, can you call me, as soon as possible? I really need to talk to someone."
With that message Rory, hung up with a sigh, trying not to burst into tears again. She moved over to the table and picked up the journal. She held it for a little, relishing a bit in the comfort that seemed the radiate from it. Rory gathered her courage and opened the book to the first page of the journal.
April 22, 1984
Well, today I turned 16, and today I told my parents I was pregnant. So did not go well, not that I was expecting it to turn out well, but a girl can dream right. Emily was wrong though, my plans can still work out even though I'll have a kid. I can still go to Yale, no where on the application does it say 'if you have kids you can't come here'. I can still be a PR agent, or a lawyer, or a doctor, or whatever I want to be. This kid won't stop me from doing that.
May 15, 1984
My father hasn't spoken to me in almost 2 weeks now, ever since I said I wasn't going to marry Christopher. Why should my life have to end just because Chris used a shitty condom? My mother won't let me go back to school, not that I would want to go back to all those people talking about me like I am some sort of slut, but I don't want to be controlled like that. To them, this baby is a crime and I am in prison.
June 20, 1984
I felt the baby move today. At first I thought it was my stomach rumbling but it felt different, like someone had a loud bass and I was standing next to it. I called Christopher to tell him, but he said he didn't care. Don't worry baby, I'll take care you even if you father doesn't give a damn. Bastard.
June 30, 1984
My father left for Europe today. He is going on a long-extended trip for business. I think he just had to leave because he can't stand to look at me now that I have "ruined the family name". Emily just keeps making me read all these GED books. Apparently even once I have the baby, I can't go back to school, I am too much of a rebel and the school doesn't want me there. Which is fine because I don't want to go there anyway, I mean, what kind of school kicks a girl out because they made a mistake. It's not like they kicked Christopher out. His parents won't even acknowledge the baby, and refuse to let him see me. Bastards all of them.
July 21, 1984
Emily is driving me insane, baby. She keeps telling me I am going to be a lousy mother just because I won't marry Christopher. But what kind of life is that married at 16. This isn't 1874 Emily! People just don't get married at this age. You don't need your parents to be married baby do you?
August 11, 1984
I went for a walk today to get out of prison while Emily was at the DAR. Some car stopped and asked me what a kid like me was doing pregnant so young. She kept saying that it'll ruin my life and I should just have gotten rid of it. I told her to go to hell. You aren't going to ruin my life, baby. No matter what anyone tells you, I will still go to Yale, and still be whatever it is I want to be, like a fabulously successful PR agent for the Bangles.
September 29, 1984
Kid no offence, but it is time for you to vacate my body. How can something so small be make me so damn big? I can't fit into any of my cute clothes and Emily packed them all away, saying since I am a mother now, I don't need to wearing clothes like that. Dad came back today and could barely look at me. Apparently I am still a disappointment. At least they didn't send me off with the nuns.
October 28, 1984
Worst pain ever! Of course Christopher was no where to be found. My parents raged at me because I left without telling them. Excuse me for wanting my kid to be born without any blame in her first few hours. I still can't believe I named her Lorelai, those were some powerful drugs they had me on. I wanted her to have a hyphenated name so that she would know that Chris actually cares for her too, but he didn't think it was the best idea with his parents still being so angry at us. Whatever, Lorelai 2 and I will be just fine without them. I just have to get through college and we will be golden. Lorelai 2 doesn't sound good. Must think of nickname.
December 30, 1984
Rory is just 2 months and 2 days old today and she is already laughing and smiling. Christopher refuses to have anything to do with her. He says he is confused but I think he is just scared of being a dad. Rory, you don't need him. You have me and I swear I will do anything for you.
April 23, 1985
Rory is rolling over and gurgling. I swear she is much more advanced that any normal 6 month old baby. Emily is going to drive me insane though. I want Rory to be happy and play and I want to take care of her, not some damn nanny. I don't want her growing up like I did. She deserves better than that. I just need to make it through 4 more years. I have my GED, so I just need to make it through Yale. Four more years.
August 19, 1985
I have a job. I moved out of prison and took Rory with me. Rory was absolutely perfectly behaved today on the bus. I just couldn't be in there anymore listening to how I was a disappointment and of course there would be no way I could get into Yale with a baby strapped to my hip. That's fine. I will get into Yale and I don't need them telling me what to do. I have watched maids all my life; I can so totally handle this.
October 25, 1985
It was snowing today, early since it is only October but you know what? RORY WALKED! SHE STARTED WALKING TODAY AND IT SNOWED! MY BABY WALKED FOR HER FIRST TIME IN THE SNOW. I always knew snow was magical. It was like she knew I was having a bad day and wanted to cheer me up. So she picked herself up and started walking along the floor of the room Mia made up for us. Of course it would snow when something that magical happened. We are going to be okay no matter how many old grown men make passes at me just because they think I am easy since I have a kid. We're going to be okay.
October 30, 1985
Rory has to be the smartest kid in the world, today she called me mama. Of course it had to be when I was cleaning rooms and some customer made a rude comment, but I don't care because my baby girl spoke! She called me mama.
November 29, 1985
Rory is jabbering all over the place. I called Mom and Dad today to wish them a Happy Thanksgiving. Dad wouldn't even talk to me and Mom just called me a disappointment again because I didn't want to come home. She did say that Rory sounded perfect when I put her on the phone to say Mama and Coffee. She actually laughed her little baby laugh to Mom. Maybe I will go home for Christmas, I mean things can't get much worse than this and I want Rory to have a family.
December 25, 1985
My parents once again made me feel like I was less then dirt. They asked me what kind of life I could give Rory, since I can barely afford to feed her much less give her presents. They were begging me again to marry Christopher who apparently is hob-nobbing it up in Europe, not caring what happens to his child. I told my parents, that no matter what Rory did or didn't have she would know that I love her and am doing the best I can. They just said I was ruining her life. My life apparently doesn't matter anymore, but its okay, because when I went to go wake up Rory from her nap to go back home, she smiled and patted my cheeks. My daughter loves me, even if my parents don't. That's all I need, we'll be okay even if the only gift I could give her was a stuffed rooster.
April 22, 1986
I turned 18 today and the only present I got was my little girl walking up to me and saying "love mommy" which was the best present any mother could get. It doesn't matter that my application to Yale was rejected. It doesn't matter that my parents didn't call to wish me a happy birthday. My daughter loves me and that makes it all worth it.
October 28, 1986
Rory turned 2 today and she is chattering and running all over the place. I think she is a genius. I took her to my parents' house for dinner, since they asked to see her, and she was running everywhere. My mother of course made some comment about what she was wearing and thought that she would pass out when she heard that I made it. Her little hot pink dress is adorable, I don't care that she spilt grape juice all over it or that she tore it running up the stairs. When she saw it today, her eyes lit up, she clapped her hands and said "pretty mama!" My daughter is happy so we must be doing okay.
December 25, 1986
I got Rory 'The Grinch Who Stole Christmas' for Christmas this year and she couldn't stop holding onto it. Of course, my parents commented on how it wasn't a respectable gift for a girl and that their tea set was much more appropriate. When I read it to her tonight before we went to sleep, she was so serious and silent, listening intently to every word. When it was over she said "again mama", so of course I read it again. My baby is going to be a reader, you wait and see. Christopher of course didn't show up like he said, but Rory doesn't know any better. I hope one day, he makes it here to see her before she gets too big.
March 3, 1987
Rory is talking and walking all over the place that it's hard to get her to stay in once place. She loves books and just wants me to read to her all the time. Mia made me head housekeeper, which is fantastic because I get a raise and can finally afford a car, so Rory and I celebrated by going to the library where she spent hours in the kid section just looking and looking at all the books. We spent the rest of the day picking up stuff we needed to fix up our new home, the potting shed in the back of the inn. If my parents saw it they would freak out and take Rory away, but it is safe, dry, and warm, just because it isn't a mansion in the richest part of Hartford doesn't mean it can't be a home. Christopher hasn't sent any money either like he said so this new position is perfectly timed, it is getting really hard to keep Rory and myself in clothes and food with just the maid's wage. Thank God for Mia though. That woman has saved our life. I hope Rory never has to know the things we have had to go through making ends meet. I hope her life is much happier than mine was before I got her.
September 17, 1987
Some guest accused me of stealing today. Apparently his wife lost a bracelet and since I am a 'teenage mother', 'white trash', and 'no better than a whore' since I have a child, I obviously stole the bracelet. There was this big hullabaloo until Mia found the bracelet in their bathroom drain. The jerk didn't even have the nerve to apologize just stormed off with his wife, saying he didn't expect anything from a bunch of white trash hicks. Thank God Rory wasn't around to hear it; she was off with Sookie in the kitchen when the shit was hitting the fan. I never want anyone telling her she is less than what she is; a beautiful, smart, happy little girl. Curse anyone that tries to take that away from her.
Rory paused in her reading, trying desperately to remember that day. She was barely 3 when it happened, but no matter how hard she thought, all her memories of the Independence Inn were happy, nobody ever made her feel less than she was or that she ruined her mother's life. Rory skimmed through the next few years in the journal, amazed at all the things her mother had to deal with, rude guests calling her names, barely any money to get anything fun, her parents continuously degrading her life and her choices, and the fact that her father would say at least once a year that he would come and visit, but he never showed. Rory never knew all the promises Christopher made to Lorelai about helping and sending money and the old anger she felt toward her father flared up. Rory paused when she came across the entry for her first day in kindergarten.
September 3, 1989
Rory started kindergarten today. The kid is going to blow them away in school; she is already reading and can write Mama, Rory, and Coffee. I took her in and she wasn't even scared, just excited to be around all these other kids. See my mother was wrong; Rory is a perfectly happy child that didn't need to have play dates with all those snobby rich kids that would only talk badly about her. She is just as happy being with me and making new friends. It looks like my baby is growing up.
The entry was tearstained and obviously read a lot. Rory remembers being really excited and kind of scared about going to school. Her mom had said that there were lots of kids and books for her to read there and that it would be okay that she wasn't there because she would be learning all sorts of things and making all kinds of new best friends. When Lorelai picked her up, Rory was chattering about all the friends she made and all the books there were and how she just had to have a box of 64 crayons like everyone else so that she could draw pictures with other colors, not just the standard 10. Suddenly, Rory understood her mother's expression a little more. She remembers the slight panicked look in her eyes and the sadness that flew into her eyes and just as quickly flew out as she hugged Rory and said that she was glad she was making friends. A week later, Rory found a box of 64 crayons on the table in their little shed home. She was so excited she forgot all about thanking her mom and just ran out the door heading to the school, with Lorelai running behind her. The knowledge that they didn't have much money back then made Rory think what her mother had to give up to get her such a luxury like a box of 64 crayons.
With tears streaming down her face, Rory continued to read the journal, noticing that as she got older and money was getting to be less of an issue, the entries were getting less and less frequent. Her first bike ride, ballet recital, walk in the snow, her first date with Dean were all in there, with slight mentions of things in Lorelai's life. Dates with men that bailed the second she mentioned she had a kid, the struggle to keep her parents in her life and not letting what they said about her and her choices get to Rory, her first meeting with Luke, which had Rory smiling, and continuous absence of Christopher. She could hear the joy in her mother's voice when they finally moved out of the shed and into their house, her excitement at finally being made manager and graduating from college, her happiness at how smart Rory was and how she was going to make sure the dream that she had of becoming an international correspondent happened. Rory could feel the sadness Lorelai felt as Christopher failed to show up again and again, though as time went on the sadness became regret that Rory wasn't getting a father figure that she needed, Rory could sense the elation as Lorelai wrote how Rory was accepted to Chilton and then Yale, she now knew the anxiousness and anger that Lorelai felt having to go to her parents to get money to help make Rory's dreams come true. The overall theme in the journal however was Lorelai's determination that Rory have the happy childhood that Lorelai never got, that Rory would never have to make the sacrifices that Lorelai had to make in her life. The last entry in the journal was one that caused Rory to sob uncontrollably again.
May 19, 2004
Today is an important day in Rory's life. She slept with Dean, her first time. I know it is hypocritical for me to think that Rory would have waited till marriage or at least with someone serious considering how she came about, but I just wanted it to be different. My baby said she hated me today, because I told her what she did was wrong. I always thought that all the choices I made in the years; not marrying Christopher, not staying in Hartford, not marrying Max when I didn't love him, refusing to get involved with guys that didn't want kids, making sure Rory always had the childhood I wanted, always putting her needs first, would somehow give me immunity when it came time for daughters to hate their mothers. I guess I was wrong, my baby hates me and I never thought she would.
As Rory read this last entry, Jess' words came back to her with an understanding and clarity she didn't have before. Did the sacrifices she made even make a dent in your self-indulgent world? Did you ever thank her for going to her parents to ask for money for Chilton, knowing what a sacrifice it was for her? Did you ever apologize for saying you hated her when you made the mistake of sleeping with Dean? Have you ever once done anything to thank her for how she raised you? All those questions he rattled off at her in his rant all could be answered with a rousing no. With the exception of her valedictorian speech, she never once thanked her mother. Jess' accusing words replayed in her head over and over until she fell into a restless, deep sleep, her mother's journal still held tight in her arms, with the knowledge that she hurt her mother more than anyone else had and how she had no idea how to fix it.
AN2: Well? Was it good?