Epiphanies

Disclaimer: I don't own CSI.

Rating: M – some sexual content in later chapters.

Author's note: This is the long prequel to a shorter fic, Familiar Strangers.

Chapter One: "I can't do this anymore"

"I can't do this anymore." Even as she said it, Sara realized it was true, that she had reached breaking point. Nick just looked at her and nodded slowly.

"Okay. So how are we going to handle this case?" There was no anger or mockery in his voice, just a gentle reminder that if his partner was going to have a break-down this would cause certain practical problems.

Sara bit her lip. "I can do this," she said with some determination, gesturing towards the corpse. "I can do this, tonight, but that's it."

"Okay. You want me to take the body and you can do the house?"

She smiled, relieved. "Thanks Nicky."

They had always worked well together, and it was good to be able to do so again, now that the nightshift had been reunited,so Sara was able to fall into the familiar pattern of painstaking evidence-gathering with ease, even as her mind screamed at her that she no longer wanted this to be 'familiar'.

She had made her escape plans a long time ago, idly at first, as a theoretical exercise, until it had dawned on her that this might actually work in practice. She hadn't intended to tell anyone what she was going to do, but looking at Nick, who kept shooting worried glances at her when he thought she wasn't looking, she realized that she was going to tell him.

She had her chance later that night when he cornered her in the break-room. He opened his mouth to speak, but she jumped in before he had the chance.

"I'm leaving, Nick."

His mouth snapped shut, his face registering shock and disbelief. "You're what?"

"Leaving. Going away. For good."

"When?" he managed.

"Today, after shift."

She hadn't realized until she told him that she would miss him. When she had made her plans she had only worried about missing Grissom and had quickly come to the conclusion that after everything that had – or hadn't – happened between them, she wouldn't.

For a moment, her resolve faltered.

'Leaving?' Nick's mind echoed in dismay. Sara Sidle – Miss Reliable, Miss Dedicated, Miss My-Work-Is-My-Life Sidle – was leaving? Leaving Las Vegas? Leaving – and this was an unexpected thought – him?

He stared at her, trying to work out exactly what he was feeling. Sara was his friend, as close as Warrick and in some ways closer because, as she was a woman, he had been able to share with her thoughts and feelings that he couldn't have shared with another man.

He had always enjoyed working with her; the way they seemed almost to read one another's minds at times, her razor-sharp intellect and seemingly endless supply of scientific and forensic knowledgethat had saved him hours of research over the years, the flirtatious banter that could liven up even the dullest shift, the sudden smiles that lit up her features with unexpected beauty.

'Whoa, back up there Stokes,' he told himself. 'Since when did you start falling for Sara?'. Because there was suddenly no doubt in his mind that this was exactly what he'd been doing.

"Nick?" Sara was eyeing him, confused by his silence. "You gonna say anything?"

"Uhhh…" Nick snapped back to reality. Sara was leaving, andthis was a lousy time to realize that he wanted to ask her out. "Where are you going?" he asked instead.

She shrugged. "To be honest, I haven't really thought about that bit yet. I'm just gonna drive, see where I end up."

"What are you going to tell Grissom?"

"Nothing. I'm just leaving him my resignation. I have vacation time owing; they can withhold that in lieu of notice."

The calm way she said it shocked him more than anything else had.

"You've thought about this," he accused.

"Yeah, a bit," she admitted.

"Ecklie's gonna pitch a fit."

"Whatever," she snorted. "He tries to cause any trouble I'll just claim I'm having a nervous breakdown. With my history, they'll believe it." She thought about this for a moment. "Who knows, maybe I am going crazy."

They looked at each other in silence for a moment, then Sara shrugged again and continued in a different tone of voice.

"Come onNick, duty calls."

He followed her out of the room in thoughtful silence.

To Sara's surprise, Nick seemed subdued as they finished their shift. He didn't joke or flirt with her as he usually did, but instead kept staring at her mournfully. It had never occurred to her that anyone might miss her, except in a professional capacity, and she felt badly to be hurting her friend.

"Nick?" she asked shortly towards the end of the shift. "Please don't be mad?"

"I'm not mad," he replied, although he was, a bit. "I just… I'm gonna miss you!"

She smiled sadly. "I'm gonna miss you, too." She sighed. "Listen, will you do me a favour? Tell everyone I'm sorry."

It was his turn to sigh. "Why, Sara?" He wasn't asking why she was sorry. "I mean, this isn't the most pleasant job in the world, but-"

"It isn't just that," she cut in. "It isn't just dealing with rape and murder and brutality night after night. It's the way things changed when the team was split up, and the way it's never really been the same since. It's Catherine pulling rank on me, and Grissom being Grissom, and Ecklie being an asshole. It's the fact that even after five years in Vegas it still doesn't feel like home, and I don't think it ever will."

To her surprise, just saying it all out loud made her feel like crying. She waited for Nick to say something, but he remained silent, and, after a moment, turned and walked away. It hurt to watch him go, but she drew a deep breath and swallowed the pain. She was used to being alone.