The Last Farewell

A slender beam of moonlight reached through a parting in the curtain, illuminating the room with an unearthly glow. A silent figure sat at the side of the large double bed that occupied the otherwise sparsely furnished chamber, his head bent low over the sickly creature lying in it. His pale skin glowed in the moonlight; his eyes were sorrowful and filled with silent grief as he looked tenderly at his sleeping companion, afraid to make a sound for fear that it might disturb the other's rest.

He fought back the tears that were threatening to flow, choking back the questions and apologies that filled his head. He bit hard upon his lower lip, enjoying the pain, punishing himself with it, watching hypnotized as his eyes followed the path of crimson droplets falling onto the pure white sheets.

A familiar taste entered his mouth, metallic and bitter, yet sweet, overwhelming his senses, he could taste the blood in his mouth, it was so familiar to him; he hated it. In fact, the only thing he hated more was the fact that he could not do without it. As much as he hated life, he could not seek death, for he did not dare to, he could not bear to die, he could not bear to depart from the land of the living all alone, he could not bear to leave Sho behind.

Turning back to his unconscious companion, he allowed his eyes to travel over the other, taking in the slender figure and fair porcelain skin, before resting on the perfectly sculpted visage. He silently praised the beauty of the delicate features that appeared vulnerable yet strong at the same time, allowing a tender smile to grace his lips as he remembered the stubborn expression often seen on this angelic face.

The night's events came rushing back as he remembered how he had heard a familiar knock on the door just before he was about to retire for the night. It was just a normal knocking sound, but he knew it was Sho straightaway, for some reason that he could not explain, he just knew...

Opening the door slowly, he was afraid to look, fearful of being disappointed once again. But it seemed so unlikely this time, he was so sure this time, the sound of that hesitant knock; it seemed so different from the rest.

Forcing himself to look at the tall, dark figure standing outside the door, he could only stare hypnotized as his eyes drank in the sight before him, the man before him looked young, fragile and vulnerable, yet the gauntness of his face gave him the air of someone who had gone through so much. His eyes were dull and tired, tired with the ways of the world, tired of life.

They both stood there for a long while, unspeaking, unmoving, it was ironic really, for both had waited for this moment for so long, each had crafted every word of this conversation and predicted the other's reaction countless times, yet, at this long-awaited moment, not a word was spoken, or perhaps, not a word was really needed.

Finally, Kei moved aside to let the other man into the house, he was too stunned to speak, he couldn't speak. Pain and sorrow tore at his heart as he took in the hunted eyes, the despairing void occupying the spaces once filled by hope and joy, it tore him apart. Yet, he felt boundless joy and relief, for nothing mattered anymore, Sho was back, back with him. And that was all that mattered.

Sho moved wordlessly into the house, sinking down on the edge of the huge double bed occupying the room and watched stonily as Kei shut the door with slightly trembling hands. Finally, he could bear it no longer, burying his head in his hands, he begin to cry, silently, but painfully. Hot tears streamed rapidly down his cheeks, and he made no effort to cover them, he couldn't bear it anymore, the years of being alone, he had missed Kei so much, so painfully.

Kei could see all that, and it made his heart ached. Closing the distance between them in two swift steps, he gently but firmly pulled the other man into his arms, warming the icy cold hands with his own warm ones, gently wiping away the tears that flowed so freely down the beautiful face with his fingers.

He held Sho against him for a long time, even after he had stopped crying, he couldn't bear to let him go once more, to see him looking so lost, so pained and so fragile. Gently laying him down on the bed after the younger man had fallen asleep against his shoulder, he pulled the covers over him and tucked him in snugly, before sitting down at his side.

Hours had passed since Sho had fallen asleep and Kei, now finally having time to think, looked up at the window, raising his eyes to look at the pale full moon through the small gap in the curtains. He hated the moon sometimes, for it was all he could see, it represented his existence and was like him, a creature of the dark.

Yet, he loved it too for the same reason, for he somehow felt that it was the only thing that could understand him, understand the pain and agony of not being able to see the light. No one else understood that, no one knew how horrid it was to have to keep away from the warmth and brilliance of the sun, for fear of fading into nothingness when confronted with the merciless light, no one but the moon.

Perhaps, it was also because the moon was the only thing that remained constant, he had been through so much, people had come and gone, he remembered vividly the faces from the past, the pain and sorrow of losing them. He could not even bear to say their names, feeling like a murderer and beast every time he thought about them, they were all good people, none deserved to die while he was left alive, or perhaps that was why they died, they did not deserve to suffer the pain of the one being left behind.

He was comforted however, by the fact that no matter what changed, the moon was the same moon, the same light that had provided him with limitless comfort, and shared his darkest moments. When Sho had been gone, he had comforted himself with the knowledge, that no matter where they were, they shared the same pale light, the same moon. In fact, that was probably the only thing that kept him going, that kept him alive, Sho.

"But Sho had never really understood, he never did."

The single thought echoed in his head, refusing to go away. It was true; Sho had never really understood how much he had loved him. Yet, he never blamed Sho, he knew he had no right too, he had hurt him far too much…

" Because I love him too much."

His lips curved into a smile, a smile that was bitter, mocking and sad at the same time, he wanted to laugh at the irony of it all.

"When you love someone, you are supposed to make him laugh, to cherish his smile, not make him grief and cry."

He had never meant to make Sho cry, but he had been selfish in his love, far too selfish. Part of that had stemmed from frustration of course, since Sho had never seemed to understand his feelings.

He remembered the time when Sho had visited him at that horrible prison, he remembered the exact moment when the other man had told him that he and Yi Che were married. For a moment then, he had felt genuine joy, as he saw in Sho's eyes, the joyful pride of a man with a lovely daughter and wife, a complete family, for Sho had found his own happiness, a happiness that Kei had never knew and will never know.

Yet, his joy was soon replaced by a sharp pain that pierced his very being, making him wished he was never born. Grief crept slowly into his heart even as he fought to stay happy; despair consumed him. He tried hard to put a smile on his face, but his expression betrayed him, his eyes gave him away.

But Sho, innocent, unsuspecting Sho, had clearly thought that Kei was upset because he liked Yi Che and had been so anxious to present him with a photo of his daughter, Hanako. He had wanted to grab Sho then, to shake him by the shoulders and take him into his arms, to tell him that it was not Yi Che he cared about, but him.

But he couldn't bear to; he refused to allow his emotions to destroy the domestic happiness that Sho had yearned for since he was a child. He knew it all along, that Sho had always wanted a real family of his own, one with a mother and a father, having lost his own at a young age. He could not bear to shatter the younger man's happiness with his words.

"It was hardly unexpected anyway"

He knew it was coming all along, that Sho would eventually leave him; that they would one day, part forever, not simply by the change in circumstances, by also by the inevitable nature of life and death. He never wanted that moment to come, and had feared it since the day they met, going through the scenario a thousand times in his head, reassuring himself that there was a long time before that happened, but still, it was here.

Sho never really understood his fears, or at least he had refused to acknowledge them. He was optimistic and naïve, the innocence of childhood had never truly departed him despite the cruelty of life. He never understood the significance of life and death, the pain of losing one so close, until Toshi had died at least...

Closing his eyes briefly, Kei relieved the pain of that moment once more even as he lied down gently beside Sho. Fear coursed through his veins and he had a sudden desire to pull Sho into his arms and keep him there. Instead, he slowly wrapped his arms around himself.

"I was scared, so scared."

His voice was barely a whisper, the words meant for no one but himself. For Sho, Toshi's death may have meant the loss of a close friend and brother, but Kei had saw things differently. Toshi death had hurt him tremendously, but it also reminded him then, that life was fragile, or at least it was for Sho.

The fear of losing the other man had gripped him at that moment, overwhelming even the grief of losing a dear friend, driving him to seek solace in the taste of blood. The blood that passed his lips had reminded him then, that he was nothing but a monster, a creature of darkness and death, with no right to love an angel, a child of joy and light.

He had allowed himself to be arrested, for he wanted Sho to forget him, he wanted to get away from Sho before he became even more dependent on the younger man, he wanted to part on his own terms, to leave with dignity rather than in pain. He wanted Sho to forget him, to lead his own life, free from the constraints of living with a vampire, a man meant to be dead. Above all, he wanted Sho to be safe.

"At least he remained alive."

A sharp pain stab at his heart as he contemplated that, his worst fears and nightmares were always of the moment when death claims Sho, taking him away forever, leaving Kei to grief alone. He never saw the need in considering that they will one day grow apart and lead separate lives. Not until the moment when Toshi died at least, the moment when he found out just how much a parting by life and death will hurt both of them.

He made the decision to leave Sho then, and he thought it was the best he could do. Yet, he never realised that the knowledge that the younger man was alive and apart from him hurt him more than anything else, the thought that another occupied Sho's heart tortured him. He never realised how much it all hurt until the visit, it confirmed his suspicions, Sho no longer needed him.

"I was a coward."

He knew that all along, he could never face up to his love and the pain it brought him, he escaped it, or at least, he tried to. He tried to give up his unfair claim on life then, to bid his final farewell to the endless torture of living before the pain of his loss hurt him further, he tried to forget Sho and everything Sho meant him, seeking peace in the blissful sleep of death.

Then the phone call came, the husky voice that was so familiar yet so foreign, fraught with fear and pain.

"Kei, I need you, please come to me."

The plea for help had chilled his heart; the despair in the voice worried him and tortured his soul. He wanted to escape, to enter the comfort of death, but he couldn't, he could not abandon Sho.

He made his escape the next day, in broad daylight, killing mercilessly in his bid to get to the other man, the despair in Sho's voice, the haunting plea for help echoing in his heart. Nothing mattered any longer, all he knew was that he needed to get to Sho, as soon as possible, to take him in his arms and assure him that everything will be alright, to make everything right everything for the younger man, the way he always did.

Kei sighed as he looked at the delicate profile of the man lying beside him, Sho may have gone through a lot over the years. Yet, when asleep, he looked very much unchanged from the times when laughter had still filled his life. It strike him then, that Sho had always remained a child, even after having his own family. He was just a child, vulnerable, fragile; always in need of protection, protection that Kei had always gave.

Yet, he failed this time.

The memory of the despair in Sho's eyes when he had begged him to save Yiche was etched deeply into Kei's mind; the tears in the younger man's eyes then, will forever haunt him. It hurt so much to reject Sho, even more so when realise how much Sho's family meant to him. Yet, Kei had no choice, he couldn't do it. It was just too wrong, too wrong to make anyone live the cursed life that he lived. He couldn't bear to subject anyone to the constant torture that he faced.

"The same torture you subjected Sho too."

He remembered the moment vividly, the sun burning painfully into his skin, torturing him; he was hurting everywhere. Yet, all that did not matter, the only thing that occupied his thoughts and concentration was the man lying in his arms, fatally injured, on the brink of death, the man that he loved with all his heart.

He did what was most natural to him, sinking his hated fangs into the creamy smooth skin of the other's neck, blood rushed into his mouth, sweet and sour, its taste forever embedded in his memories. The sharp flavour woke his senses, he become suddenly conscious of what he had done, pulling away roughly the instance he realised.

The crimson droplets drip ominously out of the open wound, colouring the pale skin an unnatural dark red. Blood glimmered in the unfailing sunlight, it was too late, the damage was done, Sho will forever suffer a fate like his own; doomed forever to live the life of a monster, a parasite, a creature never to see the light.

Kei closed his eyes deeply then, seeking comfort in the utter darkness, wishing, as he had wished so many times before, to lose himself in that timeless space.

He had felt guilty when he realised what he had done, regretful and selfish. Yet, as much he tried to deny it over the years, a tinge of hope had entered his heart, the joy that Sho will never be separated from him by the rivers of darkness gnawed reluctantly at him, making him more guilty than ever.

"But Sho left."

He never blamed Sho for leaving him, he knew he had no right to, being the one who had drove him away. All that he wished for was for Sho to remain safe and sound, for him to cope with the emotional burden that his physical state brought about, without sinking into the depths of insanity.

He never ceased thinking about Sho, every waking moment was spend remembering him, the smiles, the tears, everything about him. Memories tortured him, he berated himself daily for bringing such misery upon the other man, yet comforted himself with the knowledge that Sho was at least alive, hating what he had done, yet thankful for it at the same time.

He thought often about seeking the blissful embrace of death, but courage failed him, he simply could not bear the thought of not seeing Sho again, of leaving Sho behind, alone, unprotected.

Gently, Kei reached out for the sleep figure, and pulled him gently into his arms, closing his eyes as he lost himself in the comforting warmth that was offered.

"Nothing mattered anymore, Sho was back, that is the only thing that counts now. The pain, the waiting, everything is over. All that awaits us is joy, happiness, a lifetime of togetherness."

Lulled by the soundless lullaby of Sho's heartbeat against his own, Kei gradually allowed sleep to claim him, slipping into untroubled sleep for the first time in many years, his dreams were for once pleasant, filled with memories of days long passed, filled with hope for the future that was to come.

The night flew by in peaceful silence, unnoticed and neglected. Dawn soon descended upon the land. The first streak of sunlight entered the room, illuminating it with a slight orange glow, a peaceful glow that soon turned into a piercing glare as the sun rose rapidly, heralding the start of a new day, a new beginning.

The merciless reach of the sun swept away the comforting darkness of the room. Kei woke up slowly, alone as he always was, in the huge double bed.

He froze as events of the night before came rushing back, the warm embrace, the familiar eyes, the comforting smell; the joy.

"Sho."

He uttered the word slowly, carefully. Had it all been a dream, a beautiful vision, a mirage born out of hope and despair? But no, it couldn't have been so, He felt Sho, he smelled him, he sensed his presence, it was not a dream, Sho was certainly back.

Glancing around the room, he spied a letter on the dresser, his name written in a familiar hand on a starkly white envelope. Making his way slowly towards it, he snatched it up with trembling hands, and ripped the envelope open with a vicious anxiety that betrayed his calm exterior

"Kei, I will miss you. "

A mind-numbing grief and realisation overwhelmed him as he read the first line, subconsciously registering the unusually neat handwriting and taking in the tiny smudge at the end of the sentence. That line said it all, last night was not a dream, Sho had returned.

"And left again"

His mind reminded him harshly of the last fact, the fact that Sho had left him once more, and was unlikely to return again for a long time. The pain cut through him like a blunt dagger, firmly yet slowly moving through his heart, the heartache was just too much to bear; the shock of having the only thing he ever desired returned to him for a brief moment yet snatched away so cruelly by the sadistic nature of fate.

Perhaps he had already gotten more then he deserved, the knowledge that Sho will miss him comforted him yet made his pain stronger. He wished the younger man would hate him, for that was what he deserved, punishment and hatred, not forgiveness.

Trying his best to ignore the emotions fluctuating within him, Kei firmly returned his attention to the letter and read on.

" I'm sorry I left so suddenly, maybe I should never have returned and brought you more trouble. I'm sorry, but I had to see you once more, for the last time.

Over the years, I spent a lot of time thinking, remembering the fun we had together, the times when we were still happy and carefree. You must have thought I was so childish, but while that ignorance may have made you laughed, it now draws tears from me.

Kei, I never blamed you. But it's just so painful; I finally understand the type of life you led, for I never felt more helpless, unable to stop the passage of time; powerless to control the departure of the ones I love. All I can do is live like a coward in the shadows of the night.

Maybe I am a coward indeed, for I have chosen the path of one. There is something I never told you, maybe now is the time, for it is my last chance.

I love you.

I loved you ever since the day we met, first as a guardian, then as a friend, and on the day Toshi died, I knew I loved you as something much more than that. Perhaps that was why I married Yiche, to forget you, for I knew you never thought of me as anything more than a child. Besides, there was another reason, I couldn't let you have Yiche; it would kill me to see you love another.

Do you remember that time at the dreadful prison? The dismay in your eyes when you heard that I married Yiche, you tried to hide it, but I saw it all the same, it was painful and it made me more selfish than ever then. I showed you a picture of Hanako; I wanted to tell you that you could never have her,

I was selfish, but you would forgive me, right? You always did.

I love you Kei, I always did, but I never had the courage to tell you, things might have changed if I had learnt to let go, to be less selfish. Perhaps then I would never have realised how much you truly meant to me, but surely, you would be happier. It's too late now, but I have finally learnt the meaning of happiness, my only choice is to let go since I cannot stop loving, it is my choice to leave, to depart from this land of eternal sorrow and grief.

I'm sorry Kei, but I have to leave you now. But you will forgive me again, won't you? It's the last time. Please, forgive me for loving you.

Farewell Forever

Sho

His hands were steady as he slowly refolded the letter and placed it neatly on the dresser. Moving slowly, he made his way back to the bed and laid down upon it, burying his face against the sheets and savouring the sweet scent of Sho that still seemed to linger, willing it to last forever.

Feeling a warm wetness against his cheek, he reached gently and realised that he was crying, he was weeping once more, grieving for the only person he had truly loved. He had not cried for a long time, not since he met Sho, it wasn't simply because of the fact that being with Sho was enough to make him smile, but also because of the knowledge that Sho depended on him. He never shed a single tear, even when Sho left, for he knew he could not afford to be weak, he had to be strong, for Sho.

But that no longer mattered, Sho was gone, he was gone forever.

Lying motionlessly on the bed, Kei allowed himself to weep, to release the sorrowful tears he had held back for so long. His mind wandered through the memories they shared and returned once more to the letter.

Perhaps it was the knowledge that Sho had loved him that was so painful. He knew Sho must have suffered tremendously and he hated the idea of the younger man being tortured by his feelings. Love was painful, more painful than hatred and sorrow, and no one knew that better than he did.

He wanted to scream than, to shake Sho and ask him why he never confessed, why he had suffered in silence. But he knew he had no right to reprimand Sho, for he had done exactly the same, it was not merely for Sho's cowardice that they had suffered so much, but also for his own.

But all that was over, it was simply too late to do anything.

He lay there for a long time, resting his ravaged soul and allowed himself to savour once more the merry times they had once shared. He knew better than to regret any further, for regret brought merely pain and nothing else. A quiet peace entered his as he made up his mind; the desire that always burned in him finally took form. The only obstruction was gone, there was no one left to wait for, no one left to live for; life no longer meant anything.

Picking up his hood, he threw it over his shoulders and set out. His steps were leisurely yet sure as he breathed in the clean fresh of the empty streets, as he raised his eyes to look at the sky and sun, for the first time in a long time, admiring the light even as he ignored the searing pain in his eyes.

His thoughts returned once more to that fateful night, the night when they had met, when Sho, an innocent child of barely ten years of age had saved him and offered him the sacred gift of trust.

He saw once more the boy's innocent and trusting features, the hint of fear combined with bold courage that burned in those dark eyes that night. He found himself engulfed once more in the dark memory of that night, the pain he had felt at losing the only friend he ever had, the comfort he had taken in the concern offered by the young trusting eyes. He remembered once more the merry joy that had once danced in those eyes and then the weariness that had occupied their depths the last time he looked into them.

He continued walking even he thought, his feet never stopped or hesitated even as his mind wandered, for he knew the path only too well. Finally, he stopped as the unpleasantly familiar smell of drugs, alcohol and blood entered his nostrils. Stepping into the filthy alley, he slowly sat down at one corner.

This was where it had all started, where he had first met the boy with the beautiful doe-like eyes, the boy who had grew up into the man that he loved. This was where their destiny had changed, where he had once escaped death, where they had both found love for the first time.

There was no doubt in his heart, that this was where everything should end.

Leaning on the graffiti-filled wall, he slowly and deliberately removed his hood, savouring every moment as the silky dark material slipped off him, exposing his bare arms. He felt the sunlight on his face, gently warming up his pale, cold skin; every cell in him eagerly received the sun, celebrating in its warmth and light.

Then, without warning, the pain came. A sharp searing sensation that burned into him, tearing him apart without mercy, the comforting warmth turned into a raging heat, the rays of sunlight cut through him. His eyes begin to tear, as he opened his mouth to scream.

Yet, no sound came. Instead, his lips curved into a gentle smile, in anticipation of the reunion that lay ahead.

"Sho"

He finally whispered, with all the energy he had left, a smile light up his face as he breathed his last, stepping into the realm of eternal sleep.

End