Oh, wee, we put our Christmas lights up a couple days ago! Not only that, but I got a new notebook, a bottle of black nail polish, and a book called "a dictionary of the occult". And I saw the MTV Europe awards, and WOW! I wanted to pet 2D and noodle's hair. I mean, it really looked so SOFT. I know it wasn't solid and all but… XX Anyways, I don't own Edward, Return 0f the Living Dead, or ANYTHING I mention on this fic that belongs to someone else. (And I make many references.) Hail IL Palazzo!
Chapter Five: (insert chapter title here)
"AAAAAH"
A high-pitched scream rang through the hallways of Kong Studios... a scream of pure, unchecked terror. If you traced it
back to its source, you'd wind up in the TV room where all four members of the Gorillaz, as well as the three teenagers
who had fallen from the sky in previous chapters, were seated in front of the TV.
The scream had actually emanated from the TV, where a movie was playing (Return of the Living Dead- 2D's choice)
Murdoc snatched the popcorn from Russel with a snarl. "Don't eat all the popcorn you bloody Garbo guts"
Russel snatched it away from Murdoc. "Say please… cracker ass."
Murdoc snatched it back. "'Please' can get stuffed. It's not my fault you're a pig"
In his snatch, some of the popcorn had been flung from its container and landed on 2D's head. "Ow," he said dully
before removing a kernel from his blue hair and popping it in his mouth.
A hand reached over and took a handful of popcorn from the bucket on Murdoc's lap. The hand was connected to an
arm which was in turn connected to a small, redheaded girl. She popped the popcorn in her mouth and chewed.
"I fond ged id," she said through the mouthful. "I fought zombies were dumm. Dee's guys talk an call for more p'lice
and everythin. What's a deal"
"Zombies are bloody zombies. Does it matter if they could outwit Stu-pot?" Murdoc snapped.
"You just like this movie because that Goth girl took off her clothes" Amateur said matter-of-factly, grabbing a handful
of the nibbles being passed around the room.
"It was a bonus." Murdoc mumbled before getting smacked upside the head by Russel.
"The zombies may not be trying to cause discomfort, but I would rather sentence myself to the pain than eat the brains
of another human being," said a feminine voice with a heavy Japanese accent as Noodle pulled the box of candy from
Amateur.
"I like brains," commented Blueie, staring at the screen. "But do zombies eat other zombie's brains? Can they eat their
own brains"
"Can't the zombies' jus' take some painkillers or somefink?" asked 2D, pulling another piece of popcorn from his hair.
"No you dim-witted cadaver! Zombies can't take bloody painkillers. They can only eat brains," Murdoc barked, hitting
the singer upside his head (which knocked the remaining popcorn from his head to the floor). "Even you should know
that. You're the one obsessed with zombies"
"2D watches zombie movie but knows nothing about them. He's too bust trying to talk to doors," sighed Amateur. "He
thinks they have messages for him"
"But the door was tryin' to tell me somfin' important!" whined 2D.
"You know, to find out about how a dead brain works, one must look no farther than 2D." Aishi said.
"Ey! Insultin' 2D is MY job!" snapped the Bassist.
"Can you guys shut up so Noodle and I can actually watch?" Russel mumbled.
""Now the government is going to blow them all up…" mumbled Noodle. "Why must they come up with such solutions
as this"
Suddenly, there was a knock on the door. All the people in front of the TV jumped simultaneously. (Ooh, look at my big
word: SIMULTANEOUSLY)
Blueie inched towards the door. "Should we... Open it"
"It may be a zombie!" Noodle exclaimed, biting her nails.
"Oyo! Then open it, puh-lease?" shrieked Aishi gleefully. "I always wanted a pet zombie"
"What's with this chapter's fixation on zombies anyways?" Russel inquired, scratching his head.
"I don't know," replied Aishi. "I'm thinking it's a combination of my reading that zombie blues story (look, free
advertising!), my recent viewing of Return of the Living Dead, and my new 'Dictionary of the occult"
"Or maybe it's jus' the zombies takin' over!" 2D added
"OVER HERE!" called Blueie, waving an arm. "I was just about to open the door dramatically"
"Oh yeah," everyone said in unison, turning back in her direction.
Blueie swallowed and turned the doorknob slowly, with an ominous onomatopoeic CREEEEAAAAAKKKKK…
There was a tangible silence (ha-ha… tangible- that's a fancy word!) as the hinges rotated and the big door swung
open as though possessed. And behind it was…
Nothing.
"Aw, man! How anticlimactic!" Russel stated.
Suddenly, with a loud BUAHAHAHA! (More onomatopoeia!) a figure sprang form the doorway into the room.
"EEEEEEEEEEEEEK!" shrieked a high-pitched voice girlishly.
Everyone turned to look at Noodle.
"Not me," she said calmly, pointing towards 2D.
Even in the dark you could see the blood rush to Stu-pot's face. "Umm, I, err, I... Murdoc poked me"
"OVER HERE!" demanded the shadowy figure.
The distracted group turned back towards the dramatically posed shape. "Oh, yeah"
"That keeps happening. You're really easily distracted," Amateur said to Aishi.
""Anyways…" growled the shadowed person, stepping into the light.
Murdoc, 2D, Noodle, Russel, Amateur, Blueie and Aishi gasped. Standing in the glow of the TV was Paula,
half-rotted and holding her head to her shoulders with Duct Tape.
"Duct tape really is good for everything," commented 2D.
"Damn it, she smells horrible!" mumbled Murdoc.
"I am NOT dumping the body AGAIN!" groaned Russ.
Noodle looked at the other three members of the Gorillaz crew. "Am I missing something here"
"To make a long story short, I'm a member of the Paula Killaz which is a thingy which Amateur and Blueie are like
the top bananas of which is good cause they started it and I didn't I'm just member seventy something but anyways I
wrote last chapter that she came and you were asleep and then they fell from the sky and hurt 2D's back and then we
killed her and dumped her in the landfill and I made a stupid South Park joke which by the way I don't own south park
in case I forgot to mention it in the disclaimer but anyways the chapter ended and I said something which people might
know now and I got many reviews and now she's back and she's pissed," Aishi said, without pausing to take a breath.
"Bloody hell!" Murdoc said, jaw dropping. "That's the SHORT VERSION"
Noodle frowned. "Paula, you may once have held my position in this band, but I must say I disapprove of you greatly"
"Alright! We get to kill her again!" Blueie said cheerfully.
"Okay, I have a plan," Aishi said, pulling the other two into a football huddle. "First, we get ourselves locked into a
Wal-Mart or Big W for two to three days, and then we wait till Mai"
"Paula," corrected Amateur.
"Paula, whatever… is asleep, and then we all get supplies in the Wal-Mart, and one of us will have to glue her hand to
either her chest or her mouth… We'll also need about 35 other people, two of whom are a homosexual couple, and I'll
need to get pregnant, preferably with a redhead."©
Amateur and Blueie raised eyebrows skeptically.
"Or… we could use a bazooka."
"Not so fast!" called Paula, pointing a half-decomposed finger in the girls' direction. "I will not die so easily! I am the
living dead"
"Like a zombie or somefink?" 2D inquired.
"Before Murdoc makes some smartass comment, YES a zombie or something," Russel stated, clapping a hand over
Murdoc's mouth to keep him from interjecting.
"I dislike you, Paula, and I dislike zombies even more." Noodle growled.
"Damn, you're right Russ; this chapter IS fixated on zombies!" Aishi interrupted.
"And I don't like you, brat," Paula said, leaning her festering, fetid face towards Noodle. "To think my rightful spot in the
band was taken by some barely-out of diapers fortune-cookie chopstick chick"
Noodle tightened her fist by her side. "Then we must settle our dispute with an honorable duel"
Paula laughed: a horrible rasping sound that came from musty, putridly decomposed vocal cords held together with
Duct Tape.
"Bring it on, sushi sheila!" Paula shrieked. "I can take anything"
(The authoress would like to take a minute now to slam her head into the wall for using the word Sheila, despite her
adamant insisting that she will not use Australian slang, even if she does now live in Australia)
"We must use a weapon which we are both very familiar with," Noodle stated, grinning slightly. "We will have a battle
of the guitar"
"Told you last chapter that I'd do it," Aishi said smugly.
"Mmm mm mmm mm mmm mm mmm mm mmm mmm mm-mm!" Murdoc cried, still having Russel's hand clamped
over his mouth.
"Oh, oops," Russ mumbled, pulling his hand away from Murdoc's mouth and wiping it on his pants.
"So this whole thing was a bloody setup for that dumb Paula-killers thing you said last chapter"
"Yep!" Aishi said cheerfully.
"OVER HERE!" declared Noodle and Paula in chorus (which only caused them to growl at each other).
(The authoress would like to take another minute to apologize for all the digressions and detours, such as this one you
are reading right now. She'll try to stop, but they're so damn fun)
"Here's the rules!" Blueie declared, holding a hand in the air. "Each guitarist has to try and out-rock their opponent.
She who rocks hardest earns the spot of the Gorillaz guitarist"
"Who's the judge?" Amateur asked.
"To make it fair, we must choose an impartial judge, who will not feel stressed in choosing between Paula and me"
"Well, that puts everyone in this room out of the picture," sighed Russel.
"We'll get EDWARD!" squealed Aishi gleefully. She produced a top hat from some convenient place and pulled out a
protesting, blonde-haired guy, dressed in black clothed and an oversize red jacket.
"Who the hell is Edward?" asked Noodle, Russel, 2D, Murdoc, Paula, Amateur and Blueie in unison.
"He's the short protagonist of an anime called Full metal Alchemist"
"I'M NOT SHORT!" yelled Ed, swinging his arms wildly.
"Look at yourself you bloody midget!" laughed Murdoc.
Ed broke free of Aishi's grip and hit Murdoc with his right arm. There was a loud WHACk and Murdoc fell over.
"He also has a metal arm," continued Aishi. "And I have an icon of him on MSN messenger, which I stole from Blueie"
"Well, are we ready to do this thing or what?" Paula insisted, her half-decomposed stench wafting through the room.
Everyone gagged and Russel threw open a window, gasping for air.
"Choose your weapon!" Edward announced, holding open a trunk which had a soft glow and a singing choir of angels
emanating from it.
Inside were two guitars, perfect in every way, enough to make any sane guitarist drool a river. (I am no guitar expert,
so imagine the details yourself.) One was yellow, with a lone black stripe (kill-bill color scheme!) and the other was gray,
with black zigzag lines down it.
Predictably, Noodle grabbed the yellow guitar and Paula grabbed the gray one. The two snarled at each other.
Noodle tuned the strings and then strummed lightly across them, playing a single chord.
Paula strummed the same chord, but it came out rough and menacing, like some guy scraping a broken beer bottle over
a chalkboard. A malicious grin spread over her zombie face, showing the crooked buckteeth which everyone had come
to see as her trademark.
"Is anyone else reminded of 'The devil went down to Georgia'?" Murdoc asked.
Aishi's jaw dropped. "You know that hokey old song? Half the people who read this will have no idea what you're even
TALKING about"
Murdoc's face flushed. "I, uh, that is… I like the bit where the devil plays"
"I accept your challenge!" Noodle declared, and played a wild riff on her guitar, ending with a karate kick. If the
authoress had to use onomatopoeia to describe it, she'd stand on the table yelling
"Neeeow neeeow nah neeeeooowwwah"
Paula, in retort to this, began playing a hard heavy-metal guitar solo. Noodle imitated the solo and then added her own twist,
where she flipped in the air and landed perfectly balanced on her feet with a loud TWANG of her strings. (This all sounds
boring on paper, but trust the authoress when she says it is ten times better when she reads it aloud while standing on a
table)
Paula had nothing to say. She was nowhere near cool enough to compete with that. She knelt at Noodle's feet.
"This IS like that song!" Murdoc insisted, receiving stares from the others.
Suddenly, Paula sprang to her feet and swung the guitar like a baseball bat, aiming for Noodle's head.
Noodle picked up her guitar and blocked it. Suddenly the two were wielding their guitars like Jedi knights with light sabers.
WHACK, WHACK, WHACK went the musical instruments, suddenly changing to percussion instruments.
Noodle gave a mighty swing and it connected loudly with Paula's head. The duct tape ripped loose of the stinking flesh
and Paula's head was sent flying out of the window that Russ had conveniently opened earlier.
"HOME RUN!" declared Ed. "NOODLE WINS!"
"YAAY!" squealed Noodle, tackling Edward and squeezing him tightly.
"Mummy!" protested Edward, trying to squirm free of Noodle's arms.
"Hey! Noodle! Edward is MINE!" yelled Aishi, snatching him from noodle and hugging him like some oversized plushy.
"Well, I still wish WE had killed Paula," Amateur said.
"Yeah, with a machine gun and a flying army of leprechaun babies at our command!" Blueie added.
"Or if we re-enacted a story which is... the greatest story ever written"
"What, hop on Pop?" 2D asked, tilting his head.
"I want to hop on pop!" Amateur said, hopping on 2D.
"I'd endorse the story, but it's not on this site. Let's just say it's a tale of love and betrayal, of shopping cart races
and clandestine encounter s in the men's toilets. It's a story of being left in a certain store over the weekend, a story
called"
"CAN WE END THE CHAPTER NOW?" yelled Ed. "You're crushing my spine"
"Oh, right," Aishi said sheepishly. "The end!"
Well, here comes the part where I respond individually to each of the lovely reviewers who have reviewed me! Thank y'all; I will give you many more muffins.
To tell you the truth, I don't feel as though this chapter is very good. When I compare it to, say, the beginning, I see that it's really not as funny, and I have absolutely PACKED it with suggestion to other things, (songs, TV shows, anime, even unheard of fanfics) And this might be bad because inside jokes are often not funny to people who aren't in on them. What do y'all think? I mean, compare it to Chapter Two. That's the best chapter in this entire story, in my opinion. I don't know if I can top it. But anyways, I know that this is a bit of a ramble. Aren't all authors' notes? Thanks for reading and reviewing, guys, I would like to say, any suggestions you have are very welcome for plotlines… Flame away! Arrgh, well, hail Il Palazzo! And remember that there are no free bananas!