Disclaimer:
Fair is Fowl and Fowl is fairly late
My readers can rightly berate
But though you read as you scowl
I still do not own the rights to Artemis Fowl.
I wish firstly to start with an apology for the heinous length of time that I've allowed to pass before attempting to continue. I became very disillusioned with the character of Artemis Fowl after the third book and if I can admit it, started to actively dislike his self-serving, narrow-minded ethos. It seemed to me that his age was his only defence against universal derision, a man with his values (or lack thereof) would be classed as evil. I have since read the fourth book and with time my opinion has changed again. If Fowl is to be redeemed as a man he cannot be abandoned as a child. I will attempt to do his character justice even if this is a Sue-Mocking semi-humorous fic.
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Chapter Four: Shopping
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Juliet was highly irritated and close to taking physical action against the source of her irritation, namely, Susanna Marie. The girl talked non-stop, tossed her hair at least twice every minute and smiled at everybody. It went against Juliet's training as a Butler to allow such attention seeking behaviour from her charge. She was sure that that's what Artemis wanted, for her to baby-sit the prissy princess. She was such a girly girl though that it was getting too annoying to be nice. Sue was such an exhibitionist that she'd been getting looks all day. Those boys from the Pink Duck could almost qualify as stalkers. Juliet almost wished that they would approach. What she really wanted was to try a few wrestling moves ahead of her try-outs. She had a name all thought out and a few killer combos she wanted to practise but Arty was sure to want a report and she didn't really want to tell him that she'd started a fight in front of their guest, in public too. She was only hanging around until Dom came home and then she'd scarper. America and the untold joys of professional wrestling beckoned. Juliet didn't think that she was cut out for the whole defend-the-client-until-death-do-us-part-but-never-reveal-your-name-in-case-they-like-you-and-get-in-the-way-of-your-duty thing unless of course Arty wanted to retain her but that would be weird with both her and Dom being in his service.
They continued to shop, Sue looked like she was buying presents for everyone she'd ever met. They'd been to every clothes shop in the high street as well as bookstores and the perfumery. Juliet had made three trips to their parked car and didn't intend to make another. She looked around and smiled inwardly. Sue's looks were getting the wrong kind of attention and it looked like she'd definitely get the opportunity to try out a few moves. Juliet smiled to herself as boys approached. Perfect.
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JULIET'S REPORT
Arty, I wasn't too sure whether you wanted a written report or not but I thought it would probably be best if I put everything into writing. While shopping in Dublin, Susanna Marie and I were followed by four young males, about 19-22 years of age. They all looked slightly inebriated (is that the right word?) even though it was only early evening. In fact one of them actually looked like the Masked Marvel, obviously without the mask. I was hoping he'd actually put up a fight but he wasn't any good. Well, anyway, we had just come back from the car the third time when I noticed them coming out of the Pink Duck Pub, they looked totally doped and coz we'd be in the area for a while I kept my eye on them. They started approaching approximately ten minutes after first viewing Susanna Marie. They looked real soppy and everything. Well, anyway, they came up to us and just stared falling over themselves. One was on his knees and staring like he was, you know, love-struck or something. Idiot. Anyway, soon they were all in on the act, they were slurring their words which didn't make much sense anyway.
I didn't take physical action immediately since we were in public and they were keeping their distance, well about a metre anyway. But Susanna Marie forced my hand. She was concerned that they were hurt and just sat right down, endangering herself and putting herself in the reach of a potential assailant. There wasn't much else I could do so I knocked out the nearest one. She yelped like I'd kicked her or something but like I'd ever miss my target!
She got in the way when I moved to take out the others, she's actually quite fast. Well, she might have been fast but I got behind and knocked out the other two. You should have seen the moves I pulled. I guess they were a little flashy but in wrestling you have to make it look good. Just being effective isn't enough. Once I had the targets down I tried to move Susanna Marie out of the situation but she refused to budge. She wouldn't move and kept trying to go back. There was a bit of a crowd gathering and I really didn't want to get surrounded so I picked her up and dragged her away. She yelled at me the whole way back.
She's refusing to talk to me now on the grounds that I apparently behaved 'irresponsibly and recklessly, endangering the lives of innocent civilians through the means of grotesquely inappropriate force'. Her words not mine.
Just a note Arty, I'm not babysitting her for you again.
Juliet.
P.S
You wanted to know this other stuff right?
She ate a grilled cheese sandwich
She talks quite posh most of the time (a bit like you) except when she gets excited
She likes the colour blue, like your eyes, she said your eyes were nice but a little cool
She likes buying stuff for people, it's like her hobby or something
She has no knowledge whatsoever about wrestlers and she thinks it's all made up can you believe it? She doesn't give it any respect as an established form of entertainment. So what if it's choreographed?
She likes judo
Her shoe size is teensy
She always tips big
Her role model is some dead woman called Emily Panky-something who made women suffer or something… can you explain this?
I'm bored
I'm not writing anymore!
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SUE'S DIARY EXCERPT
Dear Diary,
I am so mad at Juliet, I can't believe the way she behaved, it was so awful. I can't believe that I thought I might have fun with the girl, she's mean, nasty and very, very violent. We were having fun at first I suppose but it was so obvious that she didn't like me. She was barely listening to a word I said, she just kept looking at everything else around, everything but me that is. I've always been taught to make eye contact with people I'm talking to, it's rude to avoid looking at people when they're talking to you but she didn't once look at me when I was talking. I tried so many times to engage her in conversation but she wasn't interested in the least. I can understand that she isn't a Fowl, she's the Help but the Butlers have always been made out to be like this super talented force or something. Those boys weren't hurting anyone, they were just trying to be friendly. Admittedly they were a little umm drunk but not overly so. Juliet did over-react and I suppose I did as well. It's so freeing writing like this Diary, it allows me to get all my negative feelings out of my system. I feel cleansed of bitterness and renewed with positivity. Reading my words again fills me with shame, I can't believe I said such harsh words. In retrospect Juliet was only trying to protect me, I should have realised that a situation as volatile as the one I was in could have turned ugly really quickly. I will definitely apologise to her as soon as I can. She was trying to be nice, I mean she totally went out of her way to take me shopping. Oh my God, how nasty my words sound. She carried bags to the car for me three times! I can't believe how quickly I forgot that! I called her the Help, I would scribble that out but I'll let it stand as a reminder to me not to be so judgemental. God made us all equal, there are no masters and servants, it's all the construct of our biased societies. I will go to Confession over this, I'll need it to soothe my soul. I'll talk to you later Diary, when I feel like a better person.
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ARTEMIS FOWL'S JOURNAL, DISK 2, ENCRYPTED. ENTRY 5
Juliet's report has left me with the distinct impression that her literary capabilities are notably inferior to her other skills. Leaving aside for now the numerous mistakes in grammar, punctuation, and spelling I still find myself slightly surprised at her inability to remain focused on a single subject, particularly in a written context. However juvenile her report may be, nonetheless, her findings have assisted in the profile that I am currently working on. I will document all articles of information regarding Sue into my database, this, I trust, will most definitely allow me to reach a decisive conclusion as to the root cause behind my weakness as concerns Susanna Marie.
I have been granted ample opportunity during Sue's excursion with Juliet to acquaint myself with her family history. I am confident that there is no longer any subject concerning her character or achievements that I am not fully informed about. Simultaneous to this process of data accumulation I have set into position a number of relatively small operations designed to augment the Fowl fortune, they should by all calculations prove to be suitably lucrative and will be initiated upon Butler's return. I find myself impatient for his arrival, his presence has rarely been lacking from my side and to be frank I miss him.
To myself I cannot be less than sincere; I am concerned by these recent events. My predilection for Susanna Marie should have been momentary. I had expected that once fully armed with all possible knowledge regarding Sue I would be protected from the curious insensibility which continues to affect my judgement. That I have failed to achieve my aims shows that my true adversary is none other than myself. As I have previously stipulated, my adolescent body is an immature vessel for my superior mind. Hormonal imbalances should never have superseded my considerable intellect and certainly never to the degree that I exhibited when I first read the findings of Juliet's report. I have learned from my initial mistake however and thus allowed myself time to reflect before I presumed to chronicle my reaction. It is a painful admission on my part that I have had to make allowances for my own unpredictable weaknesses.
Sue is the very definition of beauty but the superiority of the mind has always been my primary objective. She awakens feelings I never knew I possessed, I am overwhelmed by the urge to ensure that she remains at my side for eternity. She is so beautiful in body and soul, an angel sent down from Heaven. Her eyes have a depth in which I wish to immerse myself, to lose myself, yes, even to drown myself. She likes my eyes, I cannot believe she thinks they are cool, if only she could see the passion that even now fills them to the brim at the thought that she finds them lacking in love, if only. Her gaze sears me to my soul and makes me wish to better myself in her eyes. I know that she knows my history but even so I wish for her to accept my love. She is the very zenith of beauty and perfection. I cannot any longer keep myself from the presence of my beloved. I must be at her side…
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Author's Notes:
Poor Arty, the condition seems to be getting worse. Just thinking about Sue is making him poetic. Will he survive his next encounter with his mind intact?