Season's Change
Summer sighed as she applied her lipstick. It was warm and slightly melted and a color she bought six months ago that looked somehow wrong now, blurry and smudged across her pouting lips. Cherry Blossom .It used to be her favorite color, but now it didn't fit. She felt silly and overwhelmed by it and knew that her lack of sleep was making all things worse, making her replay the feeling again and again, the difference in Cohen's kiss, the things she'd learnt to forget. It was a warm morning for fall and she felt stifled, claustrophobic in the heat.
She wandered lazily over to her bedroom window and opened it just a crack, to find some small relief. She stood and watched for a while, the soft touch of a season's change making the air different. She couldn't not think about him and it was driving her mad. It made everything inside her rush again and twist and turn, it made her want to throw Lynn Asshat Craphorns book of crap as far as it would fly. But something had stopped her from staying in The Bait shop, from kissing him back. She knows it should be Zach but that doesn't feel right. The thing she'd been waiting for for three months was there, handed to her on a plate and she didn't take it. Maybe it was the song she wondered idly - What's in it for me? the emo geek front man had wailed again and again, the Seth Cohen mantra of Cohenish Cohenism, What's in it for me?. He didn't care about her as a person any more, just a thing he needed to have, a shiny toy that made him better, not a girlfriend who thought and felt and cried. She misses him, back when he was Prince Charming who stood on coffee carts and described her in words beginning with V. But now he's back, he seems younger strangely, like the sea swallowed him and held him down and back. She knows he sailed off into adventure or whatever but she feels older now. She stayed behind in Newport all summer, hiding Vodka from Coop and carrying Gloria to bed and smiling for Daddy and growing up while no one watched her.
She knows she shouldn't love him at all anymore, that its just the throws of silly teenage romance, that she should get dressed and go and have lunch with Daddy and Zach at the country club, like a good girl. It makes her smile wryly, she's become the good girl these days, something she would never have believed that time last year. She's the glue that holds people together, keeps their spirits up and doesn't cry about bitches on boats. So she gets dressed and straightens her hair and does her best not to think about it. The cool wind wafts into her room, billowing the sheer purple curtains, bringing a welcome relief.
There's a light knocking on the door, so gentle she's not sure its real. Zach walks in slowly, calming, smiling. He doesn't begin babbling like he's trying to compete in the worlds first talking Olympics; he doesn't starts talking about capture the flag or whiny music, he just smiles. She likes that. She could get used to it.
'You look great' he tells her, and it makes her feel steady, sturdier again.
'You too' she smiles back at him. And he does. He's wearing real shoes. It's the first thing she notices, real grown up shoes, not ratty converse. Shoes like the bankers who stared at her boobs at Mr. Nichol's birthday party last year, the thought flashes across her mind and she tries to stop it. This is a good thing, she tells her self. He's just the kind of guy Daddy would love, and today shouldn't be as hard as it was with Cohen. She's glad things don't have to be that hard anymore.
Zach pulls her in for a kiss, and its nice and gentle, caring almost, blotting the lipstick away. He smells edible, like sport and springtime. Cohen used to smell warm and musky, like autumn. Autumn always follows Summer, just like he did, following her around forever, like a lost puppy in need of reassurance, in need of knowledge that he's loved. But Spring, spring comes before Summer, guides it and welcomes it in, and she knows now that this is just what she needs, someone to gently lead her the way Zach does.
'So, you ready to go?' he asks.
'Sure, I'll just close the window' she says. She walks to it and slams it shut hard; the gust blows a photo from her wall. She knows exactly which photo it is without looking; she stared to hard at his face all summer long.
'You gonna pick that up?' Zach asks innocently.
'Nope, I'm good' she replies as she walks towards him and takes his hand, and marvels at how quickly things change.
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When Ryan gets back from school he lies down on the bed in the pool house, and replays the bickering over in his head. He doesn't know why, it makes him laugh. Maybe its because it's the first time he's enjoyed arguing with anyone. Maybe its because he can't really stop thinking about Lindsey. He's only felt that way once before. A year ago, staring back out of Sandy's BMW as the sun rose behind Marissa, and his chest felt heavy as the ray's hit her face, promising dreams unfulfilled, skin untouched.
She'd felt like some beautiful apparition, that if he touched her she'd fade away. She was a fairy tale, a princess waiting for her knight in shining armor. But all that was gone now, washed away in tears and booze and rows. Words that can't be taken back. And here he is all over again. New girl, same story. But somehow he knows this is different. He doesn't ache at the image of Lindsey, he smiles. She is not breakable, unreachable like Marissa. She mocks him, and teases and touches his arm without coy girly caution. She makes him think he could be a teenager, for real this time.
She is not overshadowed by the rising sun. He knows such things are false now. Like Dawn herself, all promises, no pay out. She is real, and seems to hate him, but that doesn't seem to matter.
He hears the doorknob of the poolhouse twist and he sits up.
'You ok in here, sweetie? I just…um..we haven't really talked about this summer and about Theresa and how your doing with it?' Kirsten asks shakily, rapidly, like she's been building up to it for days. He doesn't know what to say. He doesn't want to shake up thoughts and let himself go, so he thinks of Lindsey instead and the sparkle in her eyes when she glares at him and he swallows and wonders if he can bury the past.
'I'm fine' he tells Kirsten, sincerely, only thinking of today, taking one step at a time.
'Hmm' Kirsten makes an unhappy motherly noise and looks at him quizzically.
'Really' he assures her, doing his best to look her earnestly in the eye.
'Ok' she says sounding unconvinced.
'Is it ok, if I just have a bit of alone time ?' he asks feeling shy and silly about it. Kirsten looks hurt, a little rejected, but he doesn't like to dwell on it.
'Ok, I'm ordering dinner in about an hour' she informs him, before, turning to leave the poolhouse.
'Oh and Ryan' she turns back 'If there's anything else you want to do to make the poolhouse more your own, tell me…I'd like it for it to feel more like home… Now your back I want us to really make it work' she half whispers the last sentence, more to herself than him.
'Sure' he smiles and she leaves.
Make it work, he runs the words over in his head, as the breeze batters the glass paneled walls, questioning whether that's possible, trying not to wonder if things won't always go wrong when he's around. But then he thinks of Canadian spellings and science projects and thinks things seem brighter already, despite the incoming autumn, and that maybe, just maybe he can make it work.
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'I would' Marissa speaks after what feels like an eternity.
'What?' asks Seth
'I would believe you…that I'd be the loneliest person in Newport Beach' she mumbles embarrassed.
Seth just raises an eyebrow.
'I think..things are never quite what they seem here' she tries to explain.
'You sound like my Dad' Seth quips, and they sit in silence again.
'I miss him' Marissa tries.
'Me too' Seth comments, staring out to sea, unable to believe that he used to think it could help him escape, that he used to believe it would take him so far away from here that he'd finally feel happy. It makes him see his own limits now.
'What?' asks Marissa, looking at him properly for once.
'He's not the same since he left, its like he thinks we want him to be happy. Sometimes..its like he's not Ryan, anymore, just some guy doing a really bad Ryan impression' Seth admits warily.
Marissa doesn't know what to say, so she doesn't say anything. She feels a little guilty now, that she never asked if he was ok, that she'll never know what happened.
They sit in silence again and contemplate how everything went wrong.
'Summer with Zach..and her Dad..but you know that bothered me less because she didn't have her hand on her Dad's hand…although that would be weird and kinda creepy anyway' Seth suddenly blurted out.
'I know, that's why I tried to stop you' Marissa laughs gently.
'Great' Seth mutters sarcastically, and the silence resumes.
'I'm sorry about what I said…at the diner..the day your mom married grandpa, about Ryan, it wasn't true' Seth explains, proud of his own sudden self-knowledge.
'Thanks' Marissa smiles shyly. 'I think…I was wrong too' she admits.
'Wow, look at us bonding' Seth retorts sarcastically, but smiling.
The wind is whipping the waves faster now, and the air feels clearer, like this time has changed and moved them forward some how.
Marissa stands up 'Y'know, its getting cold, I think I should go' she smiles, wrapping her arms around herself
'Cool' Seth nods, as she starts to walk.
'Y'know' he calls after her and she turns around to face him 'if you ever get too lonely.. I'm around.. for assorted activities.. a little jenga, a little mah jong, a goonies screening maybe ..I mean Seth/Marissa time,. it could never quite be Seth/Ryan time..but I think its underrated!' he babbles.
'I'm honored' Marissa smiles wryly at him and begins to walk away.
Seth stares out to sea and wonders about the past and the future and knows new beginnings aren't as bad as they used to seem.