A/N: I got inspired to write about Ford's addiction and the conflict he is feeling while in the wraith hive ship's prison.

Title: Not Broken

Author: Lady Valmar

Genre: One Shot

Rating: T

Archive: SGAHC, FF

Spoilers: All of Season 2

Summary: A reflection of what might be going on through Aiden's mind while in the cell of the hive ship or just a reflection of how he feels about everything.

Warnings: WIP

Disclaimer: I don't own Stargate: Atlantis, or any of the novels mentioned in this fic or any of the characters, so everything else is mine and therefore please ask and do not infringe nor steal my original themes, concepts, ideas or characters please.

… .LV. …

Not Broken

By Lady Valmar

Song Inspiration: Going Under by Evanescence

They want to take me and try and fix me. But I'm not broken. There's nothing to fix. But they…Atlantis, Sheppard, Dr. Weir…they think otherwise.

I am stronger and more powerful then I have ever been. They think I've lost my senses. I tried to convince him, even McKay. I did. But all he had to say was that the enzyme was affecting my control.

He's the one who is disillusioned not me!

Now I'm being blamed for this capture.

Despite what they think of me, especially Sheppard, I did what I thought would work. It was suppose to work, capture the team, provide enzyme to everyone except Sheppard. Use the dart, invade a hive ship and come back.

Sheppard thinks he can take me back, I'd like to see him try.

I'm not like the Genii.

I'm not like the Wraith.

I know who my allies are, my friends but I do know when my friends are out of line. Sheppard, all of them, they are out of line. I'm fine. I've never felt more alive than I do now.

He keeps a distance when possible; he gives me those sympathetic eyes when he hears me speak. I don't need his pity.

I don't need anyone's pity!

I try to convince him that the plan will work. He doesn't believe me. He knows that I'm not in control, somehow I know it too but I can't believe it!

Then I find myself spilling my guts to him. Begging to go home. I 'm not sure if I meant it or if it was a moment of weakness in either case I regain my composure.

Then he tries one last time to dissuade me from going through with our plan, he brings it up. I have to think fast. I tell him did he really think I meant that. When deep down I know some part of me meant it and, the sick thing, is he knows it too.

He wants to save me. I want him too. But I won't let him. I can save myself.

I just don't know if I can stop. Stop taking it. It pulses in my veins and I cannot not distance myself from it. I know there is something wrong. But I can't see it. Maybe they can. It's taking over me, and I don't care. I do care but I don't.

Then we arrive, he killed my men. It's his payback at me for drugging his team, for taking him on this mission. He just can't stand that he's not in control for once. He doesn't want to acknowledge that maybe I can lead, and he doesn't want to relinquish command to me.

What does he think he is better than me?

I can't, the pain, the agony, my weakness it's taking over me. I can hear the whispering in me, my mind doesn't care what happens. I need more

It's like fire, teeming up my veins. I want it. I need it. I shouldn't.

I keep thinking about how I could have hurt them. I could have hurt Beckett, but I didn't. I wanted to. It felt good. To see the fear in his eyes. I never could stand the man. He is weak. He's as bad as McKay. He whines and he thinks he knows best.

Well I know when I'm okay and I'm not okay!

I don't need a doctor to tell me that.

I could have shot McKay, but I didn't.

Inside I'm screaming. My own darkness has control of me. He doesn't care if his friends die, if he hurts them. He just needs the enzyme. That's all he needs. That all he cares about or wants. I am helpless.

I've managed to maintain some of my self. I think that is the only reason Sheppard still tries.

I need someone to rescue me, but I can't cry out, it won't let me. It is my blood, it is my life, and it is everything to me.

Soon I know I will wake from this dream, don't try to fix me, and I'm not broken.

I repeat it inside my head, pacing anger throbbing in me. I want to kill him, I want to tear him from limb to limb.

Some part of me knows that this is all wrong. I can't pay it heed. I just need more. Just one more dose, and I will be fine.

It's all Sheppard's fault. He did this to me.

No..no…the wraith did it to me.

But I'm convincing myself it was, is Sheppard's fault.

He will pay for this. I won't…I can't turn back to Atlantis. Then it will mean I'm afraid that I can't save myself. I've never been one for asking for help, sometimes even when I need.

Yet I don't understand why I begged for help back there.

God, I need more. All I need is one more dose. One more fix, my concentration is waning and I feel so angry.

Did I always feel this angry? I want to kill him, kill them all.

The dose it's just within reach, please…

I want it!

No, I need it. I'm going to die like this. I can save myself.

Why does he look at me like that. Like I've betrayed him. I've only made myself stronger. He'll see, I'll show him, that there's much more to me than what he thinks he knows.

I'll show them all. I can stop this pain if I just will it all away.

Sheppard is just jealous. He wants to have power like I do. Well he is not getting it. He still trails me. He stares at me.

Some part of me knows he only does it cause he cares about me. How could he not? I am one of his men. His teammate, his comrade in arms if I want to get poetic about it. But Most of me feels he is only doing it to spite me.

Why do they turn from me?

I only did what I thought would work. I hear it the voice in my head again, begging me to get more enzyme.

They call it an addiction. It's not. I'm not sick! They don't understand and they won't. Soon, just they wait, I will find a way. I'll get more and I'll be fine.