Title: Only When You Dream
Author: Xanderschick AKA Sarah
Disclaimer: I own nothing. Joss owns the park; I'm just playing in the sandpit til my hands get dirty.
Rating: M rated action. Children avert your eyes!
Spoilers: BtVS seasons 1-3
Distribution: Take it; just make sure you let me know when you review (hint, hint!).
Plot: After Graduation Angel didn't leave. He's been visiting Buffy every night since then because he can't bear to be away from her. But now she's moved to college and his nightly visits aren't an option anymore, so after a visit to a local demon/warlock he's found a spell that allows him to enter and manipulate his girls dream to his every will. If only I could do that to David Boreanaz. All I can say is: WOW!
A/N: Yes, I got the whole dream walking idea from AtS S2 but I thought to myself, "Self, wouldn't this be much more fun if it was Buffy instead of the ex-vamp ho?" Answer: "Yup!"
A/N 2: This chapter is Buffys POV. Got the Chapter title from the Kelly Clarkson song. Think it fits. If you've heard it you'll get it but I'm not writing it down coz this isn't a songfic. Yet… (there's a song I'm contemplating using, depending on which way the fic goes.)
A/N 3: This story is 100 Blondie Bear free so don't even ask. Ever. I mean it.
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Chapter Four - Behind These Hazel Eyes"I wish this would stop happening to me. I wish he would just stay out of my head. I feel like he's haunting me. I just wanna get on with my life. He's gone. I get it. For a while I thought he might be taking it as hard as me. I thought he might come back. He didn't. Now he's living in my dreams. REALLY living, like, 'lets go picnic on the beach and I won't be able to light the barbecue using my handy self-combusting skills' living. I can't believe the dream I had last night. I dream about him every night but my imagination was running way overtime. His sister? That's just weird. We take psych 101 now. Let's play a game of analyse me."
I'm ranting again. Dammit jeans, fit! I think I'm losing weight. Must be all the dream sexercise.
"Buffy, calm down ok. It was just a dream. I have weird dreams too. Like, this one time, I had a dream about a band camp and there was this whole thing with a flute that…I really don't think we should get into and anyway you're having sexy funky dreams bout Angel again, huh? Must make the sleep less boring."
Willow stopped babbling, pulled on her "Don't Call Me Sabrina" tee and flopped back down onto her bed.
"It's just…this was so…I swear to god, I woke up and I could feel him. Like he was right there. I mean, even the dream. When we were…y'know…I could feel everything."
I stalked over to my bed and dropped onto the floor in front of it, crossing my legs and fiddling with my bracelet.
"Ok, number one: too much information. Number two: it was just a dream. Number three: when you say 'feel everything' what exactly do you mean." She sat up and grinned, staring at me attentively.
"I mean everything. I woke up a very happy Buffy."
"Very happy? Like…happy, happy?"
"If I was a boy I'd be making up lame excuses to wash my sheets."
"Oh. Wow. I mean I've had sexy dreams before but I've never got…sheet change happy. I tend to need a little more than a dream to do that. Was that too much information?" She sat up, scrunched up her nose and looked at me half enquiringly, half apologetic.
"No, the flute thing was too much information. Save that stuff for Xander."
I pushed myself up from the floor and walked over to my closet. Pulling on a white sweater over my yellow sports vest, I made my way over to Wills bed, sitting on the edge near her feet.
"I just…I miss him. I still miss him. Is that why I keep dreaming about him? I try not to talk about him coz it hurts. I try not to think about him but I can't stop. I don't wanna feel this way. I know I have to move on but why is it so hard? Like, take that guy, Parker. He asked me out. He's sweet and funny and good-looking in a 'Dawson's' sorta way. And I want nothing to do with him. I wanna get up, go to classes, slay, come home and mope myself into another Angel dream"
"No wonder! They sound pretty damn…bad. Really bad. We just need to get you into a different frame of mind. Get you a hobby or a job or something."
She knows as well as I do that she's pulling at straws here.
"I have a job. Which is kinda also my hobby. What I need is…I dunno. To see him again. Just once. He left without saying goodbye. Maybe I need closure or something. It ended so suddenly that perhaps I wasn't ready for it."
I slide down onto the floor, out of Willows view and pull the necklace out from underneath my top. I grip the ring hanging from the thin silver chain without looking at it. He said he loved me. I love him so much that I can't contemplate what it's like NOT to love him. Have I loved him all my life, because I can't remember a time when I didn't have these feelings coursing through me. Taking over my every thought. Controlling everything I do; how I act. I'm crazy about him. Why wasn't that enough for him?
I gaze down at the ring. That one thought keeps messing with my mind. Was it me? Was I not enough for him? Could I have done more? Even if I wasn't the perfect girlfriend, our relationship wasn't exactly conventional. But I was ok with that. He wasn't. He didn't want me. In the end that's all it was. He didn't want me. My stomach flips and I think I'm gonna be sick.
"Buff? You alright down there?" I sense Willow moving behind me and I try to shake the nausea off.
"Maybe I keep dreaming about him because I'm worried. I don't know where he is, what he's doing, if he's even ok. He left me with nothing Willow. Nothing but a bunch of memories. Not even a picture or a letter or anything that I can…"
And here it comes. I feel the lone warm drop glide down my right cheek. The floodgates behind my eyes start to open and I squeeze them shut, silently begging the tears to leave me alone for one day. Let me have twenty-four hours without breaking my heart again.
"Oh, Buffy!"
I'm aware of my best friends arms wrapping around me, pulling me towards her, grasping me as tight as she can.
"It's ok. If you need to cry, then cry, otherwise it's all bottled up and that's bad." She starts babbling again, unsure of what to do.
I let go. I can't help it. My body jerks as I sob, the tears running freely. I cling to her. I hear a faint click in the distance but I'm too far-gone to care. I need this. I need someone else to know about the weight I've been carrying around on my heart since the one person that I loved the most in my life left me. I never thought I could feel that way about anyone. I wanted to give up everything and leave him that day, but I didn't know where he went. I would have gone after him. My mom, my friends - I don't need them like I need him. I didn't think he would go. But I had to watch him walk away from me. He did this! He hurt me! Why can't I just hate him?
I feel a hand running across my hair. Too big to be Willow's. A second pair of arms go around me and I smell the familiar aroma of Cheetos and coffee. I lean into Xander and try to forget. Exhaustion takes over me and my crying slows. Invisible drums start to pound in my head. Great. I've bawled myself into an aneurysm.
"Come on Summers. I washed this shirt last night. It doesn't need another once over." "Yeah right, Xand. You stink of Cheetos." My friends' voices break my trance and I can't help but smile a little. Now that I don't have Angel, what would I do without these two?
"Was that a smile? Will, I think she's comin round. Cut the waterworks and I might even give you a preview of this years Christmas Snoopy Dance." Xander teases and I feel myself physically calming down.
"I'd rather see your dance routine from the fabulous 'Ladies Night Inn'"
"Yeah, now you're exploiting my friendship."
"Is that a yes?"
"No power on this earth, remember." I sit up and open my eyes for the first time since I started 'blubfest 99'. I look at my two closest friends, sitting right beside me wearing their sympathy faces, holding my hands when I need them. What the hell am I doing?
"You gonna be ok?" Will runs her fingers through my hair.
"Got my two best buds. Why wouldn't I be?" I sniff and she pulls me into an embrace.
Oh no.
"Sweetie, what's wrong?" She must feel my body stiffen as I push her away.
"We're gonna die." I say simply, panic rushing through me." She looks at me questioningly.
"We're late for Walsh's class!"
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June 1999I sit on the edge of my bed and stare at the floor. My whole body trembles but I can cry no longer. I can't believe he's gone. It's been four blurry days since he left. The bitter dark night seems so uninviting since he left me to brave it alone. Why go out into his world if he's not living there anymore? I glance out the window and the stars seem to beckon. The prospect of a whole new world seems inviting. Why is this so painful?
I went out on patrol tonight. The first time since graduation. This newbie vamp jumped me in Weatherly Park. And I let him. Somehow my body didn't have the strength to fight back.
If I was turned would he have me then? Could we be together? I wouldn't be able to have a marriage or a family or a tan or four golden retrievers running around my yard with the white picket fence. I'd be like him. He couldn't deny me. We could be together forever.
Forever. That's the whole point.
I don't know what happened to the vamp. Just as his fangs grazed my neck he disintegrated. Dust. It wasn't me. Mr Pointy was snuggled in my belt. I looked around. It wasn't anyone.
"Why can't you just let me be!" I screamed into the sky, my throat immediately hurting from the force of my voice. "You expect me to give and give but you can't let me be happy! You wouldn't make him stay! Why wouldn't you make him stay!" I fell to my knees and wept. I don't know how long I as there or how I managed to get home. Now I'm here, sitting on my bed, staring at the carpet as though it can give me all the answers I need.
I get up and shuffle into the bathroom. The coolness of the water hits me in the face and I rub my eyes before looking at myself in the mirror. I look good. My hair is perfect. My green tee complements my black cargo pants. But my eyes. Red and swollen, I see a sureness in them. I swing opened the mirrored medicine cabinet and reach for the aspirin to numb the pressure in my head. Then I saw them.
My mom had hurt her back at work. She said the pain was unbelievable so he gave her a prescription of the strongest painkillers he had. She took one and refused to take anymore on account of "the dancing pink elephants" that she saw for a week. They were powerful. I grab them off the shelf and twist open the cap before taking one out. I throw it back my throat and swallow, waiting for the pain to go. Nothing happens so I take another. And another. And another. I keep going til the bottle is empty. It still hurts. Why does it still…
My thoughts stray as my legs turn to jelly. I feel myself slump to the floor; my back against the wall beside the sink but my vision goes fuzzy until I can't make out where I am. But it still hurts.
"Buffy? Honey? Are you…" my moms voice penetrates the clouds around me, her shadow looming over me as I feel myself falling further.
"Oh God! Oh no! Buffy, what have you done?" I can just make out the panic in her voice.
She prises the little bottle out of my hand and cries out, a painful sharp sound that only a mother could make on finding her daughter dodging consciousness on the bathroom floor of the family home.
Her arms throw me over but everything seems to be happening in slow motion. I try to reason with her but the only word that comes out is "Angel."
She vanishes for a moment (I think it was a moment) before returning, only to jam open my mouth and pour a foul tasting liquid down my throat. I gag and try to spit it out but I have to swallow it. My mom picks me up and hangs me over the edge of the bathtub. I choke, half in surprise and half in pain as she pushes her fingers into my mouth and back my throat. A familiar urge goes through me and I feel the warm liquid slide up the inside of my neck. My moms other hand starts rubbing my back violently and I hear her talking, her voice broken and unsteady.
"It's ok baby, get it all out. You're gonna be fine. You're gonna be fine. You're gonna be fine."
I think I must have vomited up everything I've eaten since I was twelve. After a while, when I have nothing left in me, she drags me back down to the floor, holding me like it's the last time she'd ever see me.
"My beautiful baby girl." She's crying. Her heart's breaking just like mine. "Why? You should have talked to me. I could have helped you."
I owe her an answer. "It hurts so much. It won't go away. I just wanted the pain to go away." I sob into her jacket and she begins to rock me in her arms.
"This isn't the way. Time heals baby. I'm here for you. You never needed to do that. You'll never need to do that. I know the pain seems unbearable just now but give it time. You love him and he's gone but this isn't the way. Please be strong, honey." She's shaking. "Please be strong for me. I couldn't breathe if I didn't have you"
There on the bathroom floor, in my mothers' arms and a haze of drugs, I make a promise. I'll survive. I'll survive for my mom. I need to get through this. The strength to carry on is something that everyone has. I just have to dig down deep to find out if I have any strength left.
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"Suicidal thoughts." I regain focus as Walsh's voice echoes through the lecture hall. "A lot of people have them. Some will act on them. Some spend days, weeks even, planning their demise. Some people do it on a whim. Some people do it without even realising. Life becomes too much too quickly and they take one to many pills from the bottle. Be careful with your life. In the end, it's all you've got. Class dismissed."
The second Walsh started talking suicide my mind drifted back to my little accident at the start of the summer. When we got back from the hospital my mom was so good to me. She listened for once. The doctor wanted me to go see a shrink or something but neither of us wanted that. I knew what my problem was. Then one day last month, when I got a headache after a pretty nasty fight with some wannabe gangster vamp, I went to get some aspirin and the medicine cabinet was empty. Totally bare. I asked her if she had any and she broke down. We haven't talked about it since. I didn't tell any of the gang – they would just overreact. It was an accident. I didn't mean it. I think.
I wonder if it'll happen again tonight. The dreams. I honestly don't know how much more of this I can take. If they keep happening I'm gonna have to do something about them. For my own sake. Maybe Willow'll have a spell or something.
As I enter the Grotto a man walks right into me.
"Oh, sorry love. Didn't mean to get in your way." His strong Irish voice is the first thing I notice. The stench of whisky is the second.
"It's fine. I'm fine," I tell him backing away. He tilts his hat and walks – staggers – up the stairs. Maybe I need some of that in my coffee. Then I wouldn't sleep for a week. For now though, I guess I'll just have to settle for a mocha.
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To my wonderful reviewers: you all kick ass! Thanks for putting a smile on this young Scottish chicks face!
mysticallove – The Riley bashing is coming…hehehe!
deadbeatsoul – There's a problem. There's a big problem…"Remember, all magics have repercussions"
PunkRokPixie – I don't hate Spike. Or at least I didn't til he tried to rape our girl. I just have serious issues with the idea that she could love someone that tried to rape her. Conclusion: she didn't REALLY love him, as shown in the last few minutes of the final episode when she didn't object to him saying "No you don't." if I was in her position and I did love the guy I would make sure he knew it. REALLY knew it. Sorry, getting a little riled up here! Each to their own! Thanks for the question!
Next chapter we're heading back into dreamland with a Buffy POV!
Thanks for reading! X